He made me feel trapped
My mother said in a tone that made me check under my bed twice at night
I never understood why my mom  referred  to her husband as he or him
Maybe she didn't want to take ownership of her mistakes?
My mother has never been the type of person to let her emotions break levees
I guess that's why I always thought she was so strong

I wondered if some nights she was terrified
Lying next to a man that made her heart feel like a needle to ballon
Their marriage like a torpedo to a boat

I wondered if some nights she wanted to run
If she could just slip between the wall and the lock close the door quietly she could be worry free
I wondered why my mom never cried or
If she waited for the two baby girls in the room across from her to close their eyes?
Or when she sinks beneath the bubbles in the bathroom she handcrafted with her fingertips


My mother went on like this for too long.
I wondered many nights if my mom was ever really in love
I wondered why mom kept holding on  
I wondered if mom could sleep

Cause I know when her eyes saw her eye lids pictures of dad with another woman would be painted
I wondered when my father wrapped his arms around my mother he was wishing it was the one he slept with the night before
I wondered if when my father kissed my mother she would hold her breath
Holding on to the next time she could exhale exhale

My mothers foundation never cracked nor dripped anything but love
My mother never let sleepless nights get the best of her
My mother still smiled as if her wedding vows were still sitting on her tongue

10 years later my moms eyes still water like the night she shoved me and my big sister in the car and drove away

My mother still loves like her heart has never been ripped and slashed from her chest  

My mothers levee will never see a flood

You wrote about me , and it hurts. I've never been so lonesome in my life as I am now. Its eternal despair, and the pain rumbles in my lungs and I soon lose feeling of my knuckles and finger tips. Youre gone, but your friends say you're at home watching Netflix and lounging in your lazy underwear and bra
I know you've always been the one to let go
And for some reason that fear stood up close by
I pray to the moon
And I begged cupid to go pay you a visit
And begged the stars to die out so I could say something cheesy like "your eyes are brighter than any substance the stars may produce"
Slowly my heart breaks more and more each and every hour, every minute of my day, every drum and every 80s break up song slowly starts to sting
Darling I'm in despair and random thoughts that pop up in my head like a tour bus and really bright Vegas lights, or a Scottish Coffee shop, or like the coupons in your favorite cigarette, or the nights my friends saw me kissing you and they started to cheer, they screamed and I slightly looked away, but you grabbed me by plain black T-shirts and kissed me harder, until your lip scabbed up and my lips became sore

' Hold onto my hands, I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking, stinking without you '

' And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you. and in the day, everything's complex, There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.

My darling

she's always depressed
and for one reason
he's not here
and never will be
so her tears fall
smudging her mascara
and blinding her eyes

Snowcat,
Robotic heart beats turned into an unforgettable flatline
Growing up with a bestfried that silenced every bit of fear you've ever felt does something to you

The past 4 years I've wondered what my life would look like if your heart was still pumping.
For 54 hours I watched you lay there lifeless
As machines turned you into a puppet because your lungs couldn't preform the task alone

Your body swollen and beaten by a flipping car and an intense impact that killed your father instantly

I can imagine your head hitting the windshield
As my head pounds from the thought of you being in pain

I can imagine you screaming "DADDY!!!"
As my heart breaks just as easily as every window in the car did

So as I write this eulogy
My hands shake and my paper becomes the pool we swam through the week before the accident

C.A.L
Lover of outdoors, perfect hand holder, and dream catcher
Your heart was more beautiful than the moon that I gaze at every night
238,900 miles away ( something only you would know )
Which is how far I feel from you as they lay your coffin 6 feet below the ground I'm standing on.

Your dimples could steal anyone's heart.
Your eyes. Oh your eyes I would **** for
I miss the laugh that made me laugh harder and the hugs that made me hug tighter.

You Snowcat were the love I never got to feel

As your heart stops mine does too because living a life without you doesn't seem like much of a life at all

She’s been fighting
a world war
with herself
for a long time now.
 
And her mind is trying to create
an atomic bomb
for her heart.
While her heart raises an army
for her mind
 
And the war, like them all,
Tears her apart from the
Inside,
Out.
 
And all the old people ask
What she wants to be
When she grows up
 
And she responds
"happy"
With a smirk.
 
Because she knows she won't be
And the old people know it too
Because war is never truly won,
It is merely deferred
to the advantageous
 
So as her heart
And her mind
Play tug of war
With high strung emotions
The balance is tipped
And the battle is won
But the war is far from over.
 

I remember the way his voice melted my heart like a paper plate melts in the microwave when u heat it for more than 6 seconds

I remember the way holding you at night was such a privilege because for those few fast moving moments I had the world and every star ever spoken into creation lying in the crease of my elbows

I once asked someone why love hurt so bad  his response was a cliche john green quote that sounded a little something like
"pain demands to be felt"
Which in my response sounded a little something like
"pain is a pain in the ***"
But it's quite true
What would love feel like without pain.

Perfect?
Because perfect seems to pleasing

I want the 3am fights about how you didn't kiss me sweet enough or the moments when I felt like loving you was too hard for me

You see you were the john to my green you were the fault in every star that the galaxy birthed because your flaws we're more beautiful than any constellation

Please don't forget the way my lips pressed gently to yours
And please don't forget that the same moon that You see at night is the same moon that I look up to praying God will save us .

And I hope it's some day soon

1** ~   Figure out what you want,
                      learn to ask for it. Nobody
                      can read your mind.

2 ~    Nobody will love you the
                      way you imagined.

3 ~     Life does not come
                       with a reboot option.

4 ~     People are not covered
                       under manufacturer's warranty.

5 ~     Everything comes with a
                       shelf life, including
                       relationships.

6 ~    Nothing is permanent.
                       Nothing comes free.
                       Why pay for temporary
                        illusions.

7 ~      Even if they hate you.
                        At least they tried.

8 ~      You only live once
                         till you die once.

9 ~       Make happiness a
                         compulsion. Don't let
                         sorrow choose you.

10 ~    Sometimes lose everything.
                         You realize your worth.