i.
I live too close to the ground to want to fall
on the front porch steps of reality,
there isn't much jumping
just as well
you pull me up on my tiptoes
and I feel like I'm teetering
forgetting the distinction
between your heartbeat and mine

ii.
please come down
your voice is soft
and mine is loud but
I can't hear you from the clouds

iii.
I should have known better than
to love the boy who towered over me
your life is dancing on rooftops
and climbing up staircases
and

iv.
I was the ground you barely even walked on

some people are loved so deeply
some people hear those words
everyday
some people know they're never alone

how did god decide
the division of souls
and destinies, and which hearts
were to break, and which hearts
were to shatter

some people have broken families
some people know
everyone's too busy to wipe away these tears
too busy to care
to be there
some people feel so small

how did god decide some of us
would have to find comfort in the stars'
tiny lights, some of us
are hugged as if they'd never be
let go
and some of us aren't

and I know, I know
that everyone cries
but not everyone cries every
night

and why isn't everyone loved?
****
why isn't everyone loved?

nothing's fine
I am physically sick.
add that to how tired I am
of glaring into this laptop screen.
sick.
I've been blowing my
brains out
onto tissue paper
it's amazing how many rolls I've gone through
for someone so dumb.
the rain outside
is bringing mud water all over the news
drilling holes into my skull
the deluge of raindrops,
bullets,
sick.
maybe if I keep screaming,
the pounding,
my mom is ranting,
maybe everything will cancel out.

"love? I don't
believe in love"
I say this a hundred times,
hoping it gets stuck like
the stain on your favorite shirt
you just can't remove
you eventually learn to look good
in it, to wear it
like it could only belong to you

that people would believe that.
that you could just leave
old selves behind.
that the moon and the stars will
be rocks and fire and gases
instead of a promise
instead of a dream
and a life built on a dream
and a whispered "it's okay"
the stars say "what is a stain on a shirt,
when love is love?"

"love? I don't
believe in love"
I say this a thousand times
because I need
more convincing

*"pain, pain, pain."

having breathed secondhand
smoke all my life, and
having never taken
a liking to veggies,
I can hardly be blamed
for being a bit
dull, a bit of a numbskull.
and having seen
too much greatness in others
having known
too little in myself, I can't help
but cut myself up
trying to be better.

if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere no one
knows my name, I would cry out
exclamations about loving you
if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere i'd be
lost like a wildflower in a sea
of wildflowers, I would
close my eyes and
dance. and if i
could go to
somewhere
anywhere at all
that would mean forgetting
that would be freedom
laughing
and a chance at life,

but in this town
surrounded
by these people
I just
want to disappear

if your heart is filling up
like cherry blossoms would
litter up streets,
if you're smiling so wide
and laughing so big,
don't do it

if you're floating and flying and
cartwheeling through
days in a daze,
if you're grinning at the mirror
while putting your hair in place,
don't do it

if the stars are shining for you and
your love,
if your heart is a song and
the breeze is filled with
melodies, wait

wait for all of it to settle down and
well, don't do it
(when I told him I liked
him, we never spoke again)