why do i wanna crash and burn?
to quiet the noise in my head,
to turn it up and drown in it?

to walk an endless night,
to be free ?
to enjoy the safety of the ground?

i want to be on the ground,
at least most of the time.

why do i wanna crash and burn?
to escape,
to take a vow of silence and never speak again,
combat the voices constantly bouncing around.

to clear up the haze,
did i wanna get better today?
or tomorrow?
certainly not today,
while the sky falls before my eyes.

why do i wanna crash and burn?
to look at my reflection,
rather the puzzle,
unfinished,
nothing really fits.

my head is overgrown with moss

“if you ripped out all my teeth,
you know there’d be no overlap?
no crooked and mushy smile.
wouldn’t that be nice?”

…

“the fat under my chin,
the way my cheeks become apples,
that won’t do.
that’d be removed  as well.”

…

“we might as well break my feet to point inwards instead of out, while at it”
-
please! hurt me?
Honey, take a carving knife to my thighs and do better than myself” she asks
…

“please make them thinner.”
…

“and don’t mind the stretch marks you find! ah you know , you know”
..

“i’m sorry.
it’s been a tough month.”
..
…

“and while your at it,
if it’s not too much trouble,
might you remove my tongue and eyes?
much like those rigged edges?”

“i wish not to talk anymore,
and to see is a chore.
my humanity has become quite a burden you see. “

a tear fell down her face,
making her features make all the more sense .

“take it.
take me .”

approval, a mutt,
heeling before you.
in suspense, apprehension,
perhaos admiration.

pawing at your pant leg,
unclaimed before it’s owner,
barking attention is the purest form of kindness

in the night,
hidden thoroughly with greedy intent,
i’ll remember basking in the sun.

an apprehensive & insecure turn,
when i was revered to the heavens,
feet spinning around,
safely, freely, almost honestly adored.

unable to tell,
perhaps just unwilling to accept,
the suns true temporary identity,
a fleeting flicker of electrical current.

and in the night,
the light looked reflective enough to keep.

i feel safest under the knife,
blade inches from my skin.

safest while drowning in the waves,
content in the silence underneath,
only cursing the bitter wind for crashing against wet skin

i accept scraps greedily,
ignore the deep hole that has hollowed out my chest

empty cavity aches from inside,
unable to get close enough to be whole again.
underneath the obsession,
a girl remains.
drowning, finding safety in the inevitable

you kicked gravel,
uprooted earth in my mouth.
growing on my tongue,
developing consciousness

yet i swallow my city,
stick out my tongue to the earth,
and taste your cruelty so strongly

i’m not her.
she may be me,
but i am not her.

i couldn’t have been,
the one so desperately foolish,
yet brazenly confident,
in the act of ruining my foundation.

she did tear up the floorboards,
and she blazed the wood to ash,
silent before the flame.

and me,
left with soot in my palms,
have to yet again explain.

she is not me,
but i cannot escape being her.