i was born incorrectly and never had a chance at all.

I interact with others wrong,
i don’t understand social situations,
i cannot bring myself to be around more than a few people at a time.

i feel the urge to melt into the ground,
escape the gaze and attention of many,
. the physical discomfort of socializing,
skin crawling and stomaching hurling,
threatens to spill its contents back up your throat

vulnerable.
a wounded rabbit spotted by a predator,
try to freeze, or flee, or blend in,
regardless an easy target.

the weight of perception.
I bend with purpose,
each finger extending routinely,
with emphasis on normality.

i  cannot relax,
subjected to putting on my best performance
acting regular.
“typical”,
“normal”,
  hard roles to play.

blend in amongst the heard,
be accepted as one of them,
near impossible.
you’re not biologically one of them.
you smell different,
you move different,
you’re just  DIFFERENT.

I dress clean,
put one foot in-front of the other,
smile when i’m not happy.
I wave to strangers,
i don’t know or want to know them,
trying to ensure my feet are facing forward.

I pretend my head isn’t stuck on tragedy,
  I tell myself “today’s going to be a good day.”,
I never believe it,
i always say it.

the days over,
i collapse in bed after my performance,
allow myself to indulge in escapism.
smoke myself numb,
try not to let the tears choke me,
drift into a deep sleep.

Is it normal to desire to be torn to shreds?

I carry the sins of myself ,
my mother,
my father,
I am full to the brim of shame,
horror,
regret.

As a hollow shell I find myself repulsive,
an evil I radiate.
  pain and malice seep from my fingertips.

I am not good.
was i I created yet doomed to damage?
To self destruct?
Can I not exist?

I wish to regurgitate my spine,
scrape my skin raw.

deserved ,deserved , deserved.

When did the devil begin to reside in my bones?

why do i wanna crash and burn?
to quiet the noise in my head,
to turn it up and drown in it?

to walk an endless night,
to be free ?
to enjoy the safety of the ground?

i want to be on the ground,
at least most of the time.

why do i wanna crash and burn?
to escape,
to take a vow of silence and never speak again,
combat the voices constantly bouncing around.

to clear up the haze,
did i wanna get better today?
or tomorrow?
certainly not today,
while the sky falls before my eyes.

why do i wanna crash and burn?
to look at my reflection,
rather the puzzle,
unfinished,
nothing really fits.

my head is overgrown with moss

“if you ripped out all my teeth,
you know there’d be no overlap?
no crooked and mushy smile.
wouldn’t that be nice?”

…

“the fat under my chin,
the way my cheeks become apples,
that won’t do.
that’d be removed  as well.”

…

“we might as well break my feet to point inwards instead of out, while at it”
-
please! hurt me?
Honey, take a carving knife to my thighs and do better than myself” she asks
…

“please make them thinner.”
…

“and don’t mind the stretch marks you find! ah you know , you know”
..

“i’m sorry.
it’s been a tough month.”
..
…

“and while your at it,
if it’s not too much trouble,
might you remove my tongue and eyes?
much like those rigged edges?”

“i wish not to talk anymore,
and to see is a chore.
my humanity has become quite a burden you see. “

a tear fell down her face,
making her features make all the more sense .

“take it.
take me .”

approval, a mutt,
heeling before you.
in suspense, apprehension,
perhaos admiration.

pawing at your pant leg,
unclaimed before it’s owner,
barking attention is the purest form of kindness

in the night,
hidden thoroughly with greedy intent,
i’ll remember basking in the sun.

an apprehensive & insecure turn,
when i was revered to the heavens,
feet spinning around,
safely, freely, almost honestly adored.

unable to tell,
perhaps just unwilling to accept,
the suns true temporary identity,
a fleeting flicker of electrical current.

and in the night,
the light looked reflective enough to keep.

i feel safest under the knife,
blade inches from my skin.

safest while drowning in the waves,
content in the silence underneath,
only cursing the bitter wind for crashing against wet skin

i accept scraps greedily,
ignore the deep hole that has hollowed out my chest

empty cavity aches from inside,
unable to get close enough to be whole again.
underneath the obsession,
a girl remains.
drowning, finding safety in the inevitable