for hours
i could lay here
staring at your structure
high cheekbones
that only the gentlest of hands
could caress and not get cut
you could lay here
for hours

my defense mechanisms
have not defended anything
they have only hurt others
and led me astray

i feel like i have to justify
everything about me
to anyone who questions
and its getting obstructive

you seem so far from this
cause ive shut you out
and now youre hurting
as i sequester myself

Feel my body failing
Look at my hands and
They aren't even mine
Writing all these words
Stare at the paper and
They aren't even mine

I would douse myself in kerosene
Just for you to look my way
I would jump off a building
Just so you see how I'm falling for you
I would lose everything I own
Just to show I need nothing else

If I had less time
Could you or would you
Love me for the rest of it

If I met you in the afterlife
Could you or would you
Even try to find me

And deep down I know
You could but wouldn't
But I have to ask what if

They say you put your partner first
I say I could never
Not because I'm selfish
But because I don't need a servant
Everything should be done together
Done in harmony
Not give and take
I don't want to cause strain
On what we built
Thats how most of those stories
End in collapse and crumbles

A jar of tears
A handful of sorrowful years

Cried so many rivers
Body chock full of slivers

I can't stop the weeping
I can't stop the bleeding

A scratch never finds the itch
A cry never finds the reason

Haven't been myself
But who am I kidding
I don't even know who I am
I want you to stay
Want you to leave
I'm hoping I'm forever
And hoping you realize I'm not it
You call it sabotage
I call it suicide
Is it honesty do you think?
Depression or regression
Either way I don't like this
Don't pick me up
You wouldn't understand
Please I just want to bleed
Don't let me drown
Please I just want to breathe
You know this need
I know I'm ****** up
Won't even deny it
Do what you have to
Say what you want
I can't believe it nor want to
I love you coming off your lip
Fifty fifty but please
No coin flip

I just want to bargain
                                       with the devil
To make everything
                                    better forever
But even he won't
                                answer my pleas
****** even before
                                     hell can greet me

A drunk without a drink
A river with no beginning
A street with no cars or pedestrians
A bar with no patrons
A mountain with no peak
A bustling city with no noise
A fiend without a drug
A valley with no bottom
A beggar with no cardboard sign

I am a -