I'm back to the time
Of writing myself letters
Bargaining with myself
Reasoning with myself

Reminding me of all the things
I am
And all of the things I am not

My biggest critic has always been me
I just know I can't live in make believe

Just wishing I could see someone else.

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

Why would I lie
I feel nothing
No reason to try
And I'm sorry
I just want to die
What led to this
And who knows why

Oh maybe it's the childhood abuse
The heartbreak
The drug addictions
The ****** the coke the oxy
The **** and the trauma
The attempts on my life
The PTSD
Anxiety
Depression
I was just a kid
And I still raised myself
More than my parents ever did
So many different gods
And I'm still going to hell
Maybe I was once an angel
But **** look how far I fell

Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.