Everybody says that they love me
That they've got my back
But I don't feel it so
I simply can't believe that

So lonely and cold
So drunk and so bold
Been so long since I've felt something
But I know this moment is everything

I'm so far from anything
So close to finding me
Breaking down and growing up
Let me sleep or fill my cup

You tell me to go
Say we weren't nothing
I should see what else is out there
Decisions based off imbalance
Yet I can't find the door
Pray that you'll love me some more.

Turn the page
Or burn the book

Re-cast the movie
Or become the villain

Sell my soul
Or live with who I am

Climb the mountain
Or beg at the bottom

Watch the sunrise
Or die in the dark

I used to think
The world outside my mind
Loved me more
Now I think
The world inside my mind
Just hates me more.

Being open
Has only brought judgement
Has only brought pity
Has only brought misunderstanding

Being closed
Has only brought silence
Has only brought loathing
Has only brought cynicism

Oh what to do...

I want to swallow pills
Put me to sleep yet
I can't even swallow the guilt

I want to hang from some rope
Couldn't tie the knot
Just to keep you close

I want to inhale car exhaust
I'm still choking on you
And your perfumes

I want to jump off a bridge
Just fall so slowly
But I fell so long ago

I may be a hopeless romantic
But you know that better than I do
You make me a cliché
And you do it just so easily
I don't know if I'm doing this right
But you know I simply cannot hide

Sometimes it's hard to be alive
I imagine somebody knows that more
Than I do

Looking out windows for answers
Only to be greeted by suicide
What is the point

Somehow the secret must be
To remember that somebody knows
More than I do

Don't say this is the last time

Don't let me become just a thread
In your ****** up tapestry

Don't send me into the wind
To become the ash of an old flame

Don't make this the last time

Up and down
Thrown around
Left and right
No sleep tonight

Side to side
I have to turn this tide
There and back
Its the strength I lack

I hate when you judge me
You were once in this hell
When the water was muddy
And it seems you've forgotten.

We swam in the clouds
You were once in this heaven
When you were so proud
And it seems you've forgotten.

Now you've forgotten
Now I'm so toxic
Now nobody wants me
Now I'm ******* rotten.

I wisheth to perish
To spareth mine own legacy
I wisheth to beest f'rgotten
F'r who is't I once wast
And not beest remembered f'r
The ghastly thing I've becometh

If you say
You mean it
Then I'll say
I understand

If I say
It was my fault
Then you just
Let go of my hand

I want to undo everything I've done
The triumphs and love
The sins and the downfalls
I want to have never been
I want to never be
You can't be forgotten easily
At least not from others memories
But with these suicidal thoughts
I know I want to be forgotten quicker

**** getting anything off my chest
This pressure to be anything
Is enough compression
**** trying to be like the rest
This normalization
Is enough suppression

I'll never be everything you expect
I'll always be anxious
I'll always have bouts of depression
I'll always feel that I'm not enough
I'll always want to give up
I'll always want the easy way out
I'll never get this off my chest

Pulling strings better than a puppeteer
Baby you know there's no way
Not any way out of here

You have me caught in this twilight
And you know there's no way
Not any way I can continue to fight

How didst I turneth
To this monstrosity
I am ev'rything
Yond makes me sick
I won't receiveth holp
So it shall beest up to me
To just p'rfect
This disease

Give me your praise
                                 I'll give you my days
Give me your demands
                               I'll give you my hands
Give me your sickness
                            I'll give you forgiveness
Give me your best
                           I'll give you nothing less
Give me your everything
                                I'll give you anything

Haven't been myself
But who am I kidding
I don't even know who I am
I want you to stay
Want you to leave
I'm hoping I'm forever
And hoping you realize I'm not it
You call it sabotage
I call it suicide
Is it honesty do you think?
Depression or regression
Either way I don't like this
Don't pick me up
You wouldn't understand
Please I just want to bleed
Don't let me drown
Please I just want to breathe
You know this need
I know I'm ****** up
Won't even deny it
Do what you have to
Say what you want
I can't believe it nor want to
I love you coming off your lip
Fifty fifty but please
No coin flip

A drunk without a drink
A river with no beginning
A street with no cars or pedestrians
A bar with no patrons
A mountain with no peak
A bustling city with no noise
A fiend without a drug
A valley with no bottom
A beggar with no cardboard sign

I am A

I'm no saint
I cannot capture it
Like a photo
I cannot describe it
Like a novel
I cannot draw it
Because I cannot paint

I have reached the bottom of my soul
And seen the peak of my ability

The wasteland of trauma
Aided by my vices
Has led me to fear what is inside

I have climbed on broken glass
And seen the blood dripping
Only to not have moved an inch
And to have only hurt myself

I now have the wisdom
"Why am I climbing on broken glass?"
"This cannot be the only path."
I have turned around
Maybe I'll find flowery meadows