Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.

Knowing it hurts but staying close to the flame
My eyes continue to bleed
Little red teardrops
Hurting myself the same way
I put on disguises
Just to watch myself suffer
The mirror is just the devil
And I don't know where I am right now
I never change myself
Maybe I'm the problem.

Why would I lie
I feel nothing
No reason to try
And I'm sorry
I just want to die
What led to this
And who knows why

Oh maybe it's the childhood abuse
The heartbreak
The drug addictions
The ****** the coke the oxy
The **** and the trauma
The attempts on my life
The PTSD
Anxiety
Depression
I was just a kid
And I still raised myself
More than my parents ever did
So many different gods
And I'm still going to hell
Maybe I was once an angel
But **** look how far I fell

Let me tell you a story
Spin you a tale
It's just you and me
And my cigarette

That I wouldn't make it out alive
Make it to twenty five
Cause all I think about is hitting death row
Killing somebody with a knife
Or put that gun to my head and let it blow
Brain matter on the wall
Splatter and that's all
I have homicidal thoughts
Just dispatch somebody so quick
Who knew death could be bought
Let em ******* pain, just a lick
I guess I'm messed up
I guess I'm sick
I don't know what cause this
I don't know why this is in my head
And all the tears I shed
All I want in my face is lead
Elevating, delegating, and debating
Out of myself, leaving instructions, and deciding if I want to do this
But there wasn't any doubt
Cause all I want from this life is out
And yet I'm still here
But I still killed myself last year

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I'm no saint
I cannot capture it
Like a photo
I cannot describe it
Like a novel
I cannot draw it
Because I cannot paint

I shed the stress of my day
Off at the door
I shed my tears in private
So you don't see
I don't hide my emotions
Just for the sake of it
I don't tell you what is eating away
At my mind and heart
You try to see through the curtains
I don't like Hide and Seek
But if I even gave you a peek
I cannot let you see me when
What I see as me being weak
All these little things
I hope you never see
So you and I can focus
On just being we

Holding my little boy
I want to be everything
I want to be anything
He will ever need
He will ever want
I want to break the cycle
That I grew to know
That I knew was okay
I know better now
That what my parents were
Was not what my boy will get
I will not forget
And I do not regret
The ways I was raised
I will be better
And I stuck it in this poem
That is more of a letter.