My back slides down the lockers until I hit the floor. I look at the girl across the narrow hallway from me. My feet are almost touching hers. When I noticed i swiftly folded my legs in. She read the script, her voice soft and somewhat silky, matching the long light brown hair falling over her shoulders onto her chest. She continued reading, laughing as she tried to do a British accent. I smiled with her, forgetting the rest of our group was there. Lost in the beam of light floating down through the window to caress her cheek. I could see myself dating her. She is beautiful. Theres no chance I thought, yet she is talking to me, we are in a group. I blushed when I realized i had zoned out to the thought. They had said it was my turn to read. I didn’t want to try and make my tongue work, not in front of her. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the swirls in the ray of light, so gracefully lighting up her ivory skin. Maybe I like her. Its been months since I have actually liked someone. She would never though... Still I enjoyed the moment and began to read.

All around us is silent. Nothing moves. It's just you and I locked in our own world. I can feel my heart pounding. Wondering if yours does as well. Looking into your eyes I see anxious excitement. We are about to break into something new... Suddenly I realize how close you are to me.. Only a couple inches stand between us. Still my eyes are locked on to yours, drawn into your smile. Nervously I step closer, closing the slight distance. You move your toes to stand on mine. My heart drums faster, harder as your hair brushes my face. So close... It's the hardest part. My palms are sweaty as I take your hands, through them I can feel your blood pulse through you veins, in sync with mine. Your chest presses up against me. Slowly, unbearably slowly I caress your cheek, sliding my hand behind your head. Our lip brush. Gently at first. My other hand rests on you back, Pulling you closer.. My heart skips a beat as our lips touch again, pressing together harder this time. The rush of blood making me dizzy as all I know is the feel of your soft mouth. Lost in the moment, filled with want. I can't get enough of you.

3•15•12
Alaska

Canyons chiseled by rivers old
Morning sun bathing mountains in gold
Their peaks hit the sky
Stirring the clouds ever so high
Standing on the summit
Dreaming I could fly
Gazing down upon the rest of the world
Trees with their branches
Distorted and curled
Cover the ground laying below me
Seeming a carpet of moss
All the way to the edge
Of the ocean, it's water half frozen
And a solid white
I wish you could see
This magnificent sight
Sending shivers, almost of fright
I'll always remember
The end of this Alaskan night.

Through my ears, through my mind,
Buzzing music takes its time.
Slipping through, flowing by,
All of the lyrics, hanging in the sky.
Musical fog, fills my ears, fills my mind.
Cascading memories,
Changing into jumbled fears,
Filling my eyes with humble tears,
Dripping down my cold cheek.
All the words. My knees go weak.
Quiet sobs fill my ears,
Overwhelm my mind.
The dancing flames look so kind,
The touch of metal, so hot I find,
Painless burns, halting time,
And the bitter thoughts vanish so quick.
My body aches, feels sick,
My eyes shut
Until buzzing music takes its time,
through my ears and through my mind.

October 3rd, 2013

Warm bodies intertwined
Closeness between them
The sheets hold in the heat
Keeping out the winter chill

The music drifts over them
Washing away whatever doubt
Has creeped into their heads
Comforting them in the night

Candlelight crawls to the corners
Casting shadows across the room
Dimly lit they lay and kiss
As the light flickers around them

I bed down with chocolate thoughts. Rich and silky -like the sheets that caress me- deep and indulgent of tonight's fire. They sooth the ache of a long day - sweet and fragrant - turning my smile and lavishly seeping into my heart. I dream candy coated dreams filled with carmel centers - stretching my imagination -pulled taffy on a candy shop counter.
Sleep is so wonderful when it seems to reach -melting like chocolate - into my soul.

The door was shut by your command 
Lights turned off without a chance
Your body presses against my hand
Slow music starts and we begin to dance

Our feet shuffle around the room
Our eyes are closed to the dimmed light
Intimately close I  smell your perfume
Sweet and flowery scents fill me with delight

My heart pounds faster to immoral thoughts
Ideas of romance rush through my head
Our lips brush tying my stomach in knots
Our feet stop and we fall onto my bed 

I caress your body and give in to the pleasure
Overwhelmed by a moment beyond measure.

Oct. 23rd, 2013

In the slowness of the night..
I breath and I feel.
My thoughts run wild
Through forests of wonder
Of memory and futures.
My eyes wander
Through time and in life.

But as the sun begins to rise
Reaching through my blinds
To gently caress my face..
My skin goes numb
And my heart does race
My thoughts choked off
Like there's no air, no space.

I wander the day and I tell myself
To breath
I stumble through the barren streets
Devoid of trees.
I feel the night so long ago
Slip through my fingers
Taking with it my ease.
And while I'm waiting
For the moon to free me
I am only skating
On thin ice slowly melting
Under the sky.

Then as the sun dips
Below the mountains high..
My blood runs fast
Every breath
Again begins to last.
The darkness keeps me
In tender embrace

I breath and I feel
The slowness of the night
My thoughts bound
Leaping about
And my eyes can see
Without a doubt.

Peaceful trees, covered in swarming bees
Dot the coast of a rugged land.

Every spot on a leopard's coat
Gets reflected in the words I wrote.

Padded paws pleasantlfy plod
Through the countryside.

Bounding through beaches of yellow sand,
Blaring trumpets from every band.

Herds of elephants marching across my page
Of journal entries lost in grasses so high.

Frightened by yips of hyena sentries
Guarding the thoughts poured n m this ink.

Tickling birds crowding the sky
Singing so loud, barely able to fly.

Crocodiles sink back into drying mud,
Swimming towards the forsaken, stuck in crud

Of filler words
Cramming into my mind.

A rugged land filled
With creatures of every kind.

Lost among the peaceful trees,
Drowned in the sound of buzzing bees.

12.5.11

Better than me
Is that what you are?
Better than me,
Is what you should be.

Your knees wobble, it’s all I see.
Your voice quivers, giving me shivers.
As I cringe,
I need you to be, better then me.

My walls are crumbled
As your words grow jumbled,
I stand there with you,
In front of the crowd.

Every noise
Seems so loud
As you face
My fear with grace.

WE are the dear
Caught in a headlight,
I feel the cold
Of the lonesome night.

I feel the sweat drip
Down my face,
I feel a disgrace
As I quicken my pace.

But i need you to see
You are better than me.

___________________­____


This is inspired by the bravery that it takes to stand infront of a crowd and show something you have created. It highlights that public speaking, at least infront of highschoolers, is a big fear and weakness of mine. It also highlights the empathy and solidarity I feel with people who feel the same way as I do when they stand up there, next to that microphone.

Fireflies flit across the evening sky
For every dawn the must die
Lighting the air and flowing with the breaze
Everywhere they float, living in ease
They bring me peace on the cobblestone path
And company from loneliness as I walk
Buzzing around filling the air
Unabashed as I lovingly stare
Slowly wandering without a care
Wondering if ever I will find
A place to rest and settle my mind
Hoping and dreaming 
With all my heart 
Still the fireflies endlessly streaming 
Never apart.

Rhyming schemes
Muddled by smokey dreams
Control the thoughts I breath

Sinking through porous veins
And blocking out forgotten pains
As the night takes me away

Into worlds beyond my life
Separated by the blade of my knife
Dragging through the chills

Shadows rest upon this page
Mocking works of others
Stale and empty, a product of age

They sound so smooth and right
Twisting your feelings
Like ropes of pleasure, delight

But I dare not call them mine
I stole their ideas from another
From other authors with skills so fine

An imitation you might say
Striving to learn your craft
This but only one more way.

Gentle puffs on a clove cigar
Away from the icy chill
And outside in the snow
Icicles hang from the windowsill.

Curls of smoke twisting up
Into the rafters high
Snow flakes drift breaths away
Out under the clouded sky.

Tomorrow waits for us
But the night still has it's claim
Warm milk to help me sleep
For there are wild dreams to tame.

The wind whipped around my face,
Blowing your hair into your eyes.
The corner of your mouth curved
Into a slight smile as I grasp your hand.
Lush pine trees bow down torwards us,
As if intensely interested
In how this single moment will happen.
I tenderly take hold of your hand,
Looking into your eyes.
The world dims around me
As my fingers are intertwined with yours.
I can feel the blood flowing in you
As the world slows down.

Dark jeans. Deep blue.
Blue V neck. Light hue.
Silver chain. Curling too.
Golfing hat. Grey as you.

This is how I dress tonight.  
Not who I am.

So ponder your words
Before you slam
The doors that could
Lead to something new.
It could last a night
Maybe even two.

Who knows what happens
After I simple smile
Or a quick hello
Or it's been a while.

Take the chance
While it's here
And hold this moment.
It is very dear.

After tonight it is gone.
Like the things I wear
Left on the floor.

Do not disregard my kindness.
It's not a chore.

You tear me apart
Wear me down
Pull me closer.       
Drag me out
Filled with wonder
Full of doubt     
You bring me round
Can you hear me shout 
I loved you then
And now and always.  
How did you manage
To break open my heart
How did we start.   
Did we really end 
You tear me apart
Drag me together 
Wear me out.      
Like a puzzle 
Missing it's pieces 
Scattered around 
The world so wide
Please help me 
Be my guide
Put me together    
Love me well
God I hate this
It's a living hell.

October 22nd, 2013

I was all a grin when a saw your face
At last!
No longer would I give chase.
I had followed you
Through alleys and corners of despair
Into darkness and light so fair
But never had I seen more of you
But only
The backs of your feet two
Always breathless
Miles had passed in my mind
You had me
My heart you did bind
As I raced along your path
In pain
Along the streets my feet tore
Hoping always
I just wanted but a little more
Then glimpses
Of your golden hair
And now!
It's a wonder I don't not stare!
A sight to see,
You are to me
Like a shy bird feathers and plumes
Finally
You run no more.

When I was little, I used to draw maps. Maps of everything. The world. Fairy tale lands. My elementary school. They were detailed, beautiful, had keys and compasses and everything.
Looking back, through out the years I wish my life had a map as fine as that. One that would guide me. Tell me which turns were the wrong ones.
I realized that it does. I draw it everyday. I draw it onto the pages of this earth. Each trail, mountain, stream and bridge gets added as I come across it. When I grow up, I will be able to look back upon this map, smiling at all the places I have been. I will be able to turn around, and walk off of it. Into the uncharted, with the knowledge that there will always be part of my map that I will never know.

Life drifts past us as a melting iceberg, shrinking and dissolving into the sea of everything the farther away it gets.

I remember before I was born
And everything was black
Before any clothes were worn
And the world gave me slack

I remember playing in the stars
Wandering in the sky
Before I knew about cars
I never knew I would die

My bliss was as large as space
I dreamed in waking and in sleep
There was no time there was no race
And in that peace never did I weep.

As I stepped out of the space sheltered between them, my feet crunched on the shattered bones of ancient stars. They lay scattered across the nothingness stretched out before me.
I saw life and light glimmering in the cracks and fragments of these bones. As I drew closer to a pool of it, glittering and shifting, I reached out and took hold.
As a dream evades hold when grasped so did this light slip through my fingers, dissolving into the nothing along with the rest of the stars.

May3rd 2013
Stream of consciousness may 3rd
I am so bored. I'm sitting at work on my break. The atrium windows cast light all around me. I sat in the shadows though. The sun heats up the whole building. It's not summer so it isn't to hot yet, but just warm. I hate breaks. They are never long enough. Or short enough. The go by like a small piece of candy. Or a chunk of cookie. It's enough to wet your appetite, but not enough to stay it.
That's how I feel about sleep to. There's never enough, and when you can sleep as much as you want, it's never over quick enough. What is it with our minds? Why are they wired to be like this? Or is it just me? Am I the only one who is discontent? Unsatisfied with what I have? I know I should be. I try to be. I always want more. Or something else. Or something different.
Only on rare occasions can I sit down. With only the things I have. Or the people I know, and smile. Be content. Be happy. It's so strange. I'm not even focusing my eyes as I type any more. I'm typing on pure muscle memory. I don't even know what I'm typing really. Just going on and on and on like my breaks. It's kind of pitiful. I love writing stream of consciousnesses. They are like a little window into the thoughts and insights I don't know I have. They keep me entertained and they keep me going.
I'm just sorta rambling as usual. How many words can one kid put on a piece of paper without simply copying out of a dictionary? How many lines can I fill? It's like one of those video games where the levels never end. It just get harder and harder, but you can never win. It's just about how long you are willing to go before you give up. Isn't that the same as what life's about though? How far are you willing to go before you give up? How many lines will you fill? I don't know how many I will, but I want the content of each line to be bold. To mean something. When I look back on the lines of my life I want to see all the spelling mistakes. See how I've learned as they change and decrease. I don't care if it all makes sense, but I want it to mean something. I want it to be read by others who are just beginning to fill in their own lines. Maybe then the jumble of letters and lines and scwigglies will make sense. Maybe they will mean something. Or maybe not. Who cares though. We are all gunna die so let's have some fun.
See this is what I'm talking about, now that I'm on a roll. Now the the words and ideas are flowing out of me as easily as light from the sun, my break is over. Now I don't want to move. I don't wanna work any more. I have to though. Which *****. Even that will be over too soon though. Why should I want time to move faster? Shouldn't I relish in it all? Before its gone? Shouldn't I treasure every moment I work, every moment I'm on break, or laying down? I think I should. Should isn't though. I have to. I will. Maybe. Who knows, except that ill miss it when I'm gone. Woohhhhoooooo skiing sounds like fun. I love the Cookie Monster. He is kinda awesome. There goes Monica again. Hmmm there's a guy cleaning the atrium windows. Monica kinda freaked out. Not even in my words do I find solace now. No safety. They are not private, but what in my mind do I have to be ashamed of? I am a gift, as is everything in the world and we treasure it all, even if some of it may seem abrasive to our eyes. Godammit. Back to work I gues. Or maybe one more line to fill first. One more spelling error. One more string of useless, meaningless **** out of my head, into this note? I think that should be about enough though? Right? I miss you. Still love you. ****. Your still on my mind. Get out. Duck. Lol

May 20th, 2013

Water falls down around me drenching everything. Spraying my back as it's turned up from the ground by the tires of my bike. They race across the pavement as fast as my legs pump. Sweat drips down my face. It's promptly washed away by the rain hailing in on me. Cars zip by. Passing by, leaving pockets of dryness in their wake. Heat curls off my skin, banished by the cool wind threatening to rip off my hat. Wind outmatched by the racing of my heart. The heaving of my lungs. The pumping of my blood. My legs spin faster as I push harder and harder. I have nowhere to go. I only focus on my exertion. My energy. I only focus on the going. The destination is lost in the drive. I push harder still. Then I get there. The world crashed up from behind me. Suddenly catching up. The rain drumming down. The dizziness in my head. My legs shake as I step off my bike. I'm home.

August 15, 2013
Loneliness is a heavy burden. Like an elaborate hoop earring; weighed down with to many beads; attached to my heart. It pulls me down. Stretches me as far as I can go. Always there, my most faithful companion, insistent. Shadowing my every step. I crave touch. Love. Something other then this solitude I have been drowning in. A wet cloth gagging me. Suffocating me.
Everyone seems more beautiful. Yet more distant. Every touch, a little sweeter. More welcome. I see the potential everyone has as they touch my life. I watch it as it builds, and rises, and breaks like a wave on the emptiest of beaches. I can feel their arms around me. Their lips on mine for the briefest of thoughts as our eyes connect.
These fleeting day dreams serve only to again remind me of the hoop earring piercing my heart. They vividly highlight it. As if it were a splinter in my hand that I could remove. Except, only with the help of another, could I manage to rid myself of it and its persistent, prodding pain.

Like a new river forging it's first steps, or a flower first taking bud, the end result is never clear.
It cuts through you. Carving out canyons, gorges, through what is you.
This thing will start to erode you, and it will create eddies. Stagnant moments of spinning in pointless circles surrounded by all the **** emotions bring. The drift wood of the heart.
Soon you will escape and see the new petals of flowers uncurling, nurtured by the Sun and the eddies you were so sure you would drown in.
These flowers will line the shore of your river. Of the canyons chiseled into the corners of your smile. The paths of this river will twine and twirl through everything. Breaking apart and spreading like the roots of a tree. Endlessly growing and flowing. Reconnecting in days. Years. Feet or miles. Only to trickle apart once more.
As all rivers must, so will this flower lined flow have rapids. Small ones. Large ones. Waterfalls too. Tossing and turning up the water in white froth. Dropping off the edge of cliffs. Falls you never though you could survive. But you will.

And eventually your flowers will die. Your river will end. In fruit, or nectar turned to honey. In dried petals on the shore. Or maybe a pond. A lake or reservoir. You will be swirling in pointless patterns again. Stuck. Hoping to finally be washed ashore. To dry off, laying on the thistles and dandy lions and cattails surrounding your lake.
You will not though. You will keep swirling and swirling and then you will come to understand that these weeds, these thistles and dandelions and cattails may not be the pretty flowers on the banks of your river, but the have beauty all their own.

And as is the nature of water. Of lakes and ponds; of flowers and trees, as is the nature of love; a new river will break free and spill from your sullen body of water. It will begin again. Carving new canyons. Following old. And it will grow new flowers on its shores.

Among them will be thistles.

I don't know where I'm going.
I've stopped caring where I've been.
All I know.
All that matters.
Is where I am now.
And it is wonderful.

To those who may ask, how are you? My answer is none to simple. Like an ocean I may say. For I too am filled with currents. Waves flow freely upon my surface. Underneath I have icy depths and the warm inviting shallows. I too am ruled by tides. The pull me back and forth between extremes. Dragging me to the whim of the earth and fate. Flashing between sadness and depression. Loneliness. Anger, to the other end, gods euphoria. Joy, happiness and optimism. And as any ocean does, it too carves out parts of me. Chiseling away at my edges. Wearing me down. Only to bring new sands to my shore and once again rebuild. That is how I am.