i'm back to this weird state of mind
this "notice me, notice me,"
"love me, love me," desire-
it burns my throat, makes my heart sink,
because you don't and you won't.
and i'd hope that one day
you'll realize what i've been trying to tell you,
put together the puzzle i made for you
and read my thoughts line for line,
understand what i've been trying to tell you
for so many days, so many weeks, so many months.

isn't it obvious, dear?

i thought i'd made myself clear enough
without using the words explicitly.
i hoped that i came off subtle
because i don't want to overwhelm you,
but i've found that i'm quite good at that
and i don't mean to be, not at all.

i've tried to construct the words
to tell you what you mean to me,
to tell you how much i need you,
show you what you've done for me,
prove your worth and your value,
but there's no combination,
no pretty little string of letters
that could ever do my thoughts justice,
and it'd all go over your head anyway.

and i'm caught in this weird funk
where my emotions override all thought
and my thoughts take over everything else,
and i'm torn inside out, listening to that little voice
scream and shout -- why don't these words just come about?
and i'd like them to, i'd like them out in the open,
but it'd be weird, right? things already are to begin with.

so why worry, right?

i'd hate to mess things up further.
so i'll keep it all to myself,
let it fester within until
i can no longer bear it
and i've no other choice
but to come right out and share it.

again and again,
you well up in the pits of my chest,
carve holes where my heart should be
and leave me hollow, empty.

you leave me and make me believe
that for once, i'll be okay
and it'll last for days, weeks,
and if i'm lucky, a month.
but unknown to me,
you're simply hiding around the corner,
taking little peeks and snickering to yourself,
laughing at my spurts of optimism
and as soon as you rear that ugly head,
you put me right back where i started.

i can't sleep.
i don't want to eat.
i can't bring myself to speak,
and i spend my nights alone,
all by myself, just me as i weep.

that's four nights now,
four this week that i've cried myself to sleep.
my eyes still burn from tonight,
a mere fifteen minutes ago, or so.
i hope you enjoyed the show.
i hope you gain some sort of satisfaction,
watching me struggle and deal with
all of this unnecessary pain,
these torturous aches and
the loose wires in my brain.

i just want to know why,
why me of all people?
have i done some wrong,
have i been unpleasant?
any answer will do.

but it's funny to me
because i hate you so,
yet, as of late, you're all i have.
i've no longer have anyone to talk to,
no one to listen, no one who cares.
as pesky as you are, you're always there.

isn't it funny,
the way your enemies stay close,
while those presumed 'best' leave?
like my demons love me more than those who say they love me,
and not many love me to begin with.

and i try to stay out of that deep old hole
that i'd dug myself into all those years ago,
as it'd only deepened more and more
in recent months - i'm surprised i haven't reached the earths core.
but i think i'm close.
i might be close.

but I don't want to be.