When I was younger,
I wanted to be an artist.
I aspired to be someone
who made a difference,
like
Picaso or Vincent Van Gogh.
Someone who was remembered.

So like every little kid who has a dream,
I pursued it.
Saving up all the allowence I earned
In just 3 weeks
I had a total of $12.80.
Enough to fund the dream of a child.

I realized,
I loved drawing.
From the minute I picked up my
$2.50 pencil,
I knew my dream was going to come true;
Even if it started with doodles...
of flowers and stick people.

So eventually I grew up and I gave up that dream
of being an artist that makes a difference.
I gave up,
because I couldn't master drawing the perfect person.
I couldn't draw
how the persons eyes shinned when they saw the love of their life,
I couldn't capture
the beauty in the young girls smile
as she ran through the field of daisys towards her father,
who was coming home from war.

I realized that you can't capture the beauty and the memories
that someone holds
with a dream and a $2.50 pencil.
drawing // a.s.

As your bestfriend
of 24 years,
I am required to know
everything.

So when you broke your arm,
due to a baby tree
and a few too many cupcakes
I was the first to know.

We sat alone in your basement,
high on soda and frozen pizzas
and the highscore to your ridiculious video game
was finally beat,
I was there with you;
The first one to know.

On your birthday
you were finally,legally,
allowed to drink.
You got so drunk
you called
"the love of your life",
also known as your mother;
I was the only one to know.

And,
When you fell in love,
Everyone knew.

I sat up all night and wondered,
wondered how I hadn't seen it.

How had I not seen that
all along
I loved you,
and you loved me.
all along // a.s.

If I told you,
"I love you."
Would you run?
Would you laugh in my face?
Would all my fears come true?

If I told you,
"I love you."
Would you kiss me?
Would you say it back?
Would all my dreams come true?

If I told you,
"I love you."

The catch is
If;
Because I know, I won't,
The risk of me loosing you is too much to bear.
the catch is if // a.s.

When I was 5,
I laid bed
and awoke screaming in fear.
You held  me until I was calm
looking at me with your brilliantly green eyes;
you smiled
and told me,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

When I was 9,
I laid in the dentist chair.
The silly man said
I had a cavity.
So you walked up to me,
and put my tiny hand inside yours
and you said,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

And when I was 15,
I laid in bed and cried
because I was bullied on the first day of highschool.
You walked in holding a box of tissues,
and you sang to me with your beautiful voice,
until I felt okay.

For a second I believed you,
thinking everything would be okay.

At age 17,
someone broke into our house.
As we hid in the closet
I laid frozen in fear.
The only thing keeping me calm
was the smell of your perfume.
As the smell started to fade,
you whispered,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

Now, I'm 23,
and you're the one laying down,
but this time,
you're in an old white hospital room
eating stale bread and mashed potatos.
As you ate I watched you
and noticed;
the way the smell of mildew over powers your perfume,
the way your sparkling green eyes sunk into your skull,
the way your fragile hands held my own.

Finally you glanced up at me,
smiling,
you said,
"I'll be okay -
believe me."
you'll be okay // a.s.