I am so afraid
nobody can love me
as deep
as profuse
as so gut wrenchingly massive
as I love them

I am so scared
you are going to stop loving me
because I’ve fallen out of love
and I thought love was a choice
I didn’t want to fall
I fell so hard my chest burst open
and maybe I felt free
maybe he wasn’t the one for me
what even is the “one”
I believe there are many ones
for many people
and I want to be your last one

I know a cloud means precipitation,
       male seahorses give birth
a bear goes into hibernation,
       and a train can reach 150mph

But how do I know if I still love you?

I’m not sure how we arrived here.
Nothing feels right.
The whole Universe is screaming.
I’m pleading your love
And I am empty.
I have nothing else to give but my love for you.
You’ve made promises to me, promises for a new life, a house, a marriage.
But we aren’t ready yet.
Will we ever be ready?
There are consequences to every choice.
I know the choice I’ve made, do you?
I chose you.
                                  You.

I want that You. to turn into Us.
I want you to want me the same.
When your fingertips trace my skin I lose all inhibition. Nothing matters in that moment but 
                                   You.

This is Us, and I’m pleading.

I'd melt into you if I could
Completely dissolve into your chest
Pass through your skin
Glide past your ribs
Reach your warm heart
Find myself a chasm
Between your tendinous chords
Where I would stay
Safe

every time our bodies become one
         I fall deeper into you
I wonder if I'll have anything left
         if you ever decide to leave
but for now I will melt into your organs
         and hope you'll stay

I hate that
no matter what you'd do to me,
I wouldn't have the will to leave.
I hate that
your touch scorches my skin
and leaves me aching for more.
I hate that
I'd give everything up for you
because I couldn't handle myself without you.
I hate that
you are welded into my heart
and I'd never be able to pry all of you out.
I hate that
I'm completely vulnerable to you
like a half dead animal in sight of a vulture.
I hate that
every fiber of my being screams,
"I love you".
I hate it because I am at your mercy,
and you can choose to stop loving me.
You're capable of leaving, I am not.

It's a strange feeling not wanting to be alive
But not wanting to be dead either.
Nothing matters,
Yet everything matters.
So you keep living.

I've given every part of me.
I've given my body to those who didn't deserve it.
I've given my time and energy just to be wasted.
I've given every ounce of love I could muster.

You may have set me on fire and burned me to ash, but I have come back stronger than I ever was before.

You're living on this earth
with 7 billion other people
Yet you still feel helplessly

                 alone

I once told my boyfriend that laying on his
   chest made me feel like I was laying in grass.
He thought I was making fun of his chest hair
   but what he didn't realize was that his arms
warm me as if I'm under the sun and his chest
   takes me to a place where everything is okay.

The moment I realized
        that love was a choice
And not a feeling
        I became afraid
That you wouldn't continue
         to choose me

You can’t light me up and
quickly burn me out
like I’m your first morning cigarette.

I let you inhale and exhale me,
leaving me half smoked
with the cherry still burning.

You asked, and I told you
all I wanted was to be good enough.
But you said you just wanted to be happy.

And that’s the difference between you and I.
Because all I want is to please you,
and feel like I’m worth your time.

While all you want
is that false state of euphoria
where you pretend to feel nothing.

And that’s why you turned to drugs,
and I let my loneliness consume me
and came back to you.

You have demons as well as I, but I don't notice mine when I'm with you. The only voice in my head is you whispering silly things in my ear.
    
My heart is pounding?

I'm not scared, I'm excitedly anticipating your touch. So much energy moves through you it makes me feel as if I'm underwater sensing the hum of electrical currents.

I'm not scared,
I'm finally feeling.

i'd let you
      cut me clean open
           with a dissecting knife
                    and trace my insides
                           with your fingertips

if i knew it meant you'd stay

it confounds me how you can
love me, when it’s hard to even
love myself.
you deserve the best;
sometimes i feel inadequate.
i look at (you), your body, the
skin and bones that compose you,
every feature, and i am astounded.
            your features, (are) the
definition of (beauty), artistry.
             (in) everything that composes
you, i find solace.
               i could search (all) the world,
and would not find anyone with
your skin and bones, your body and
all (its) features.
               for the (entirety), length, of
my life, i will ache to always be by
your side.


(you) (are) (beauty) (in) (all) (its) (entirety)

I’ve heard, “stay away from people
who make you feel you are hard to love”.

I tell myself that, bringing to light the
things you did to make me feel that way.
It’s almost like I never knew you,
and I don’t know if I’m okay with that.
It was hard for me to write for you,
but now that you’re gone it comes so easily.

You asked me why I didn’t spill my guts
on pages for you,

and I have to ask myself
the same question. I’ve questioned everything
that has happened in the past year.
I tried to pick up the pieces, make it whole,
but it failed. What was I supposed to do?

I don’t love you anymore.