With every fickle flaw my life is a technicality
I'm an outlaw of my own society
The death of me will be my impending reality
The underlying doom resides inside my devastating mentality
My heart's been beaten up with every kind of brutality
I've lost my mind so many times
I'm becoming a fatality
Of my own disaster of a dangerous insanity
With every word and every rhyme
I can rewrite my own vanity
I've reanimated my anatomy
With the power of lines and phrases
My bones are made of paper
And my veins the ink that stains it
I can cut my brain in pieces
And use my mind to rearrange it.
I've learned to **** on an idea
To taste and entertain it
Never just throw it to waste
Without debating on a reason to sustain it
I stay up and lie awake at night questioning my own morality
I've been exorcising my mind
But losing focus on my body
I fear my own mortality
With every unforgiving calorie
And memory of a past time
In an artificial gallery
I put up pictures in my head
Making memories everlasting
I could paint over every one of them
But it wouldn't stop them from happening
They haunt me in my sleep
And your face invades my dreams
You penetrate my wounds
And I'm coming undone at all the seams
Of every stitch and broken wing
I'm falling from the sun
And hanging by a string
That's tight around my neck like my never ceasing obsession
I'm not talking to a priest but this is my confession
I carry everything like a noose
My weaknesses eat at me like an overwhelming rejection
I can be the judge of myself and I have no objections
This is all coming together in sections
My depression killing me like a lethal infection
Forget the **** pills and give me an injection
I'm dying for a little affection from you
All I want is your attention
I may sound cynical at times but I only have good intentions
I'm coming through in waves
Always thinking one thought then feeling in different ways
I'm stuck inside this daze
You are second hand smoke and I can't see past the haze.

You fire your questions at me like a loaded gun.
Are my answers written in blood?
They're thicker than the air we breathe.
Does my silence weigh on your fragile fingers
like the decision to pull the trigger?
You think your words are bullets,
but mine
have the power
to ****.

I am not a whimsical snowflake amidst the wind's wintry voyage.
I am not the drop of dew on a morning's budding flower.
I am the pebble that sits at the bottom of the pond that got skipped a long time ago.
I am the lonely owl that cries out in the night and holds the darkness upon its wings.
I am not the nostalgic initials carved in the tree between two lovers,
But the knife that put them there.
I am the memory of what's lost and the conclusion that it's time to go.
I am not the pen but I'm black as it's ink and I write what I am.
I am not a summer's day,
I am an autumn's evening.
I am the bleak December.
I am the crunch of snow under your boots.
I am not the smell of rain but I am the hole in the ground that forms a puddle.
I am not the silvery glimpse of a spider web caught in the sunlight shining through an attic window.
I am the dust.
I am the broken mirror and the trunk of old photos of happier times.
I am not the caffeinated warm smell of coffee in the morning.
I am the ***** newspaper that got left in the ditch no one cared to pick up.
I am not the fresh baked bread.
I am not even the wine, just the stains left on the sheets.
I am the taste of blood on chapped lips.
I am not the dim glow of candle light.
I am not the waves of the canal refracting the city lights.
I am not the butterfly.
I am the cocoon.
I am not the poem.
I am the poet.

I can sit here and try to calculate every encounter
I've ever had with you
and subtract the pros from each passionate kiss
and multiply the cons by your silence
squaring it all by the outcome
and still be left
with nothing.

I divided you by zero
and created an error in the equation.
Math has never been
my strong point.

Even if I'm not supposed to love you,
I still love the little things,
The memories you leave me with,
Soft unsure kissing
Becoming passionate, I missed this,
lips crashing
Into waves of ecstasy,
You're a volcano erupting
And I stand in the red hot heat of you,
Your sweat,
My longing,
I melt,
As we caress each other
Absorbing every touch and taste,
Knowing it won't last,
So sweet,
So fond,
I am just a little fish in your big pond,
And you,
A shark in my small one,
But I realize
I am also the rain
That fills it.

I became air.

I always feel so strange returning from that place. It takes me a while to bring myself back....

The chaos is static.
White noise stretching
Throughout the world.
We are the silent moments
Between the chaos.
This is why being with you
Is so precious to me.
I cling to the hope of you
Stopping the noise
Stopping the world
Stopping me
And I love
The silence....

I always feel so strange coming back from that place. It takes me a while to get reacquainted with the chaos.

Missing you to death is chaos.

I miss you so much it hurts my soul.
I miss you so much
I cease to exist some days.
I miss you so much I can't focus.
I'm not really here.
I breathed you in
And I became air.

I watch the dust scatter in the sun
How it shines in the light
And disappears in the dark
I see my grandmother
Approaching death like a burnt out star
We touch hands
Her grip strong for someone so feeble
Always fighting
So tired
I kiss her warn out flesh
And nuzzle my warmth into her bones
I watch her smile softly and close her eyes
Death is approaching like a runaway train
Unpredictable
Unavoidable
Undeniably doomed by what we all fear
I am reminded yet again to live
Before I die