i carry my heart around, heavy and broken
and think of all the things left unspoken
how you'll never get the chance to grow
so much i wanted you to know
and my body felt like an anchor, sinking
time alone, too much time spent thinking
of all the things that could've, should've been
i just wanted that moment, to see you again
never knew sorrow, how a person could be so sad
you were the best thing that i never had
because you were gone before we ever met
the sweet baby that i'll never forget
the one that i carried inside of me
who lies sleeping in my memory
and i'd give up everything i know
to watch you laugh, watch you grow
my soul so wounded and covered in scars
but i imagine you're out there among the stars
and every night i kneel and pray
that there will come a day
when you're back in mama's arms

the world fell away - poem by me

his head was pounding, feeling sick
fog like a blanket, heavy & thick
he saw a girl standing in the curve
& he tried his best to swerve
tires squealing, rubber burning
all at once the world stopped turning
she was running, she came out too fast
and it was his face that she'd see last
drunken, disoriented, completely unaware
he stumbled, slipping in the blood everywhere
and she reached for his hand, in the dark
it was so loud... the breaking of his heart
he watched her die, watched her go
he realized this was a girl he used to know
they'd hold hands down by the swings
and she would talk of such pretty things
while he drank liquor straight
and she'd always beg him to wait
sober up, before he had to drive
if he would've listened she'd be alive
but that was years ago, time slipped away
he'd never forget the way she looked that day
when she said it was over, they were through
because with him her world was too many shades of blue
and the quiet was overwhelming, the alcohol too strong
it all felt like a burden, everything seemed wrong
there were tears in her eyes
as she listened to his lies
that it wouldn't be like before
she told him she couldn't do it anymore
and they parted ways, like lovers sometimes do
each day his addiction just grew and grew
there were more drunken moments than any other
he'd leave one bar just to hit up another
she was looking for him that night, heard how far he'd gone
and all she wanted was for him to be safe, to bring him home
and there was so much that she wanted to say
but she was blinded by the lights, the world fell away

they dont know her, not like i do
behind the eyes turned black and blue
they don't see her, the way that i see
a caged bird that wants to be free
they see weakness, the unknown
who can't hide secrets in her home
and it's the fear of what they don't understand
that makes them unwilling to take her hand
offer words of comfort, support or hope
they might as well string up her rope
it's the indifference, how no one seems to care
they see an empty shell, but someone is in there!
i will always know her as the girl who hid among the flowers
who shared my secrets and we'd talk for hours
who saved every injured animal she ever met
is she really that easy to forget?
she baked cookies for those left old and alone
because she knew what it was like to not feel at home
to wander the streets, day after day
always seeking better, determined to find a way
she truly was good at heart
this is why it tears me apart
to know she deserved so much more
and never found what she was searching for
weeks pass and i'm still holding on
it hurts too much to think that she's gone
the girl who sang when the world was sad
a hard and dark life was all she had
but she hung on, longer than anyone expected
the girl who should've been protected
because she saw good everywhere
so tonight i'm going to say a prayer
and find faith that she's in a better place
where tears and bruises won't touch her pretty face

this is not a fairy tale

somewhere in a lonely castle tower
she's weeping past the midnight hour
long golden locks hang down the wall
and she's waiting for her prince to call
and take her from this place
how she longs to see his face
and they will ride off together
& live happily always and forever
she's been a prisoner far too long
he found her by following a song
that only his heart could hear
it was like she whispered in his ear
"save me, if you think I should be free"
never had he been so enchanted by beauty
she needed a hero, it had to be this man
it was then these two formed their plan
and he promised he'd be there
he'd climb the rope made from hair
of his beloved and they would run away
tomorrow would be a brand new day
a brand new life
she would be his wife
he's lying in ice and snow
and she has no way to know
that her prince has fallen from his horse

close your eyes and count to ten
and you'll see where to begin
this is your life, this moment, right now
nevermind the why, forget about the how
the answers are already there
there's so much beauty for you to share
in your smile, in your laughter
don't chase happily ever after
make it happen, it's a choice
in this life we're meant to rejoice
whether you're a sinner or saint
the canvas is there for you to paint
so spread your colors, spread them bright
let your words fill up the night
be yourself because you shine
know that you're gonna be just fine
when your spirits need that lift
remember that you were a gift

inches of ice, feet of snow
she begged him not to go
"stay here, keep me warm
don't try to brave this winter storm"
but his mind was set, the journey long
he promised to bring her back a song
when he travels like this to places unknown
she always waits patiently for him to come home
each time is different, yet the same
and he comes back singing her name
guitar in hand and treasures in pack
he always finds his way back
she knows he defies time and space
and everywhere she goes she sees his face
he shouldn't be here, shouldn't exist
she knew that the moment they kissed
that he was something greater, unknown
but it was as close as she'd felt to home
these journeys weren't his choice at first
he often wondered if he was blessed or cursed
but he came to embrace this life
found a woman to call his wife
she was his only one
shining like the sun
and her face reminded him of summer flowers
it was her voice that got him through the lonely hours
between journeys from here to there
getting by on hope & prayer
because this was the life he was destined to live
to go back and undo the wrongs, finding gifts to give
changing things that made the world seem wrong
but he always came back smiling, singing a song
of other times, other places
distant lands, strange faces
sometimes it hurt to fix a world that unravels
so they love so passionately in between his travels
and she knows that he will always find her
and always come home

to dream is like a dance
and we all have a chance
to go out & make our mark
be the light in the dark
the hope behind the pain
the sun chasing the rain
we are everything, we are one
the peace when the day is done
if we give ourselves up to each other
our family, our friends, our lovers
but we have to reach down deep
to the place where the mind sleeps
and realize we're more than we think
that we are evolving, always on the brink
of something bigger, something bright
stars burning across the night
it's within us all
to rise or fall
to hope, to love, to give
we can die or we can live
to dream is like a dance
and we all have a chance

she likes her music loud
& to read long books
she likes good movies
with twisted plots
and she likes to hear
the sound of your laughter
or whispers at 3 am
when you can't hold
your secrets anymore
and she likes to stand
in the shadows and observe
or listen to people when
they talk and you can feel
their emotions rolling into yours
and she feels so much in those moments
that you may not understand
but if you watch her long enough
you'll wonder how she never broke
she likes rich desserts
and really lame jokes
and shopping for things second hand
she has so many quirks
and admits she's a nerd
but she's come to feel
like she really doesn't care
she doesn't want everything
just a few simple things
and to know that she really
isn't too much
but just enough

when you see the world in black and white
you can't see the difference between wrong or right
clouded eyes seen so much deception
but really it's all about perception
and how the world will spin & turn
will you drown or will you burn?
in your sorrows or fueled by fire
life is half battles, half desire
will you choose to stand and fight
behind every darkness there's a light
if it's worth it in the end
you won't break, maybe bend
this world has tears that are not yours to cry
so will you crumble or will you fly?
is your cup half full or becoming empty
seek the beauty because there's plenty
if you can see it in your mind
there's always truth that you will find
and you can hold it in your hand
if you take the time to understand
that you hold the key to everything

Rainy days make her manic
& certain sounds make her panic
wild eyes and long dark hair
dancing around without a care
to chase the demons, fight the dark
just calm the racing of her heart
when she can't get a grip
& can feel it all slip
she feels like screaming
to stop this dreaming
and let go of this disease
that brings her to her knees
she'll fold her hands and pray
that she makes it through another day
and that she escapes this prison she built
like a flower you can watch her wilt
her moods go from happy to sad
and people say it's not that bad
but they don't know, they don't see
how she's fighting to be free
from herself, her worries, her fears
she spent so long hiding the tears
and she hides the sickness, the scars
that cover her body like stars
and she just wants that chance
to be normal, so she'll dance

You can't touch me
unless you're so full of intention
& I can see where you've written
promises all over my skin
you can't hold me
unless I know
that there are better days ahead
because i've had quite enough
of people trying to break me
because they can't handle
the way I shine sometimes
and you can't love me
if you don't know me
which is the good and the bad
the secrets I hold inside my heart
all the darkness that I used to know
you can't want me
if you don't try
to keep me
which means never
making me feel
like i'm second best
because i'm not one
to play games
when I know
how short
this life is

Once upon a time
I was weak
I let other people
lead me, break me
make up what I should be
but those days
are behind me
i'm not that weak
little women
who flinches at words
or fears hard hands
that's not me
and never again will it be
I mostly feel like I was sleeping
that the life I was living
was just a dream
that I was not that girl
because how could I let it happen
but now i'm awake
rising from the fire
my skin smeared with ashes
from burning down
the image of what
people thought of me
i'm like a lion
& when I roar
it will shake mountains
and it will instill fear
so just because i'm quiet
and I try to be sweet
doesn't mean that there's not
a beast rolled up inside me
and she will f*ing bite

He started out, just a young man
with big dreams and a spot of land
he worked his fingers to the bone
determined to do this on his own
all the people in the town
knew he worked from sun up to sun down
they'd shake their heads with worry
because he never seemed in a hurry
to build a family, find a wife
he seemed content with a simple life
then it happened without much warning
as he was sitting in church on Sunday morning
and he heard her voice, it was honey-sweet
he couldn't calm his heart beat
and when she caught his eye
he didn't stop to question why
no one had ever made him feel this way
gave him so much beauty, reasons to pray
they started courting, falling fast
his first love would be his last
because he was a serious man
who loved his woman, loved his land
and he wanted to build a life
with the lady he asked to be his wife
they were blessed for many years
struggled through laughter & tears
grew together, made a home
she never made him feel alone
she put the song in his heart
put him together when he fell apart
and he loved her, like the sun loves the sky
but now he sits and wonders why
death came slipping like a thief
left him alone in his grief
she was his world, his queen
and he still finds her in a dream
dancing among the silky grass
and he wants those moments to last
how he is so full of life, of love
but then he wakes up
and she's gone, she's really gone

Bring us your dead
your empty caskets
and wilted flowers
bring us your lost hope
and forgotten dreams
because these nightmares
never rest
bring us your despair
your beautiful
little disasters
and we'll close them
all up
in little boxes
bury them
at the foot
of long lost mountains
bring us your sins
and your secrets
and we'll burn them up
and you can be reborn
because all those dead
things are taking up room
and crushing your insides

She’ll lick the ashes
Break the bones
Girls like her
Don’t follow you home
Fire in pockets
Stars in hair
Chaos and storms
You’ll find her there
Beneath the trees
Under the moon
She’ll dance, swaying
To a forbidden tune
Her heart was heavy
Full of ache
Weight of the world
Enough to break
& all those bruises
Where tears would stain
She was half the joy
And half the pain
All the things blended
Becoming one
She’s burning bright
Like the sun
Not knowing
Who she should be
But the chains will rattle
When the prisoner is free

she had to be everything to everyone
time to loosen up, have a little fun
up too late, hitting the bottle hard
never should've got in that car
music loud, windows down
just trying to get out of this town
and be someone else, not the girl they all know
the one that's meant to shine, born to glow
and this has been happening for quite some time
how she drinks so often, to ease her mind
and she cries, tears clouding up her vision
not thinking about the outcome of her decision
when she's doing 80 and the night is too dark
she can't hear anything save the breaking of her heart
suddenly lights up ahead
numbness, is she dead?
broken glass, windshield shattered
metal and blood, everything scattered
this can't be real
this sorrow that she feels
when she sees the hand fall away
that will never see another day
this is what it's like to feel alone
when realizes it isn't her own
as she lays there, slowly dying
drifting in and out she hears a baby crying
and uses her last breath to mutter a prayer
that someone will come soon and find him there
she hopes it isn't too late
and that he will be alive & safe

this road we travel is full of twists, turns and bends
and we find ourselves among lovers, enemies and friends
at times we lose hope, we lose faith
and wonder if anything is worth the wait
and the tears fall, there are plenty
that leave us feeling lost and empty
so when you think it's hard to hold on
just take a deep breath and try to be strong
because this life was a gift to you
and it's your duty to see it through
the skies may crumble, the earth may crack
but you can't get a single moment back
so live it up, all in the now
know that you will make it somehow
there will be joy, there will be pain
there will be sun shining through the heaviest rain
it is hope, it is faith
and everything is worth the wait

Wherever you go
I'd follow you through time
taste the words on your lips
sweeter than wine
I always find myself
returning to you
And it feels like floating
caught in eyes so blue
sometimes I get lost
feel far from home
but your voice saves me
and I'm not alone
I wish I could give you back
all you've gave to me
but sometimes it's a mystery
these things that I see
I dance around inside your head
leave my fingerprints on your heart
everytime we touch
it's like music or like art
you bring out the best
that I have

they shut her eyes, sewed them up
told her the truth was never love
wove dreams in her hair, such pretty little lies
that blossomed into flowers, under summer skies
taught her to walk in the straightest line
and that being obedient would make her fine
to never think, no thoughts of her own
the greatest failure would be being alone
so she steps quiety and quickly, into the night
walking and walking until it's light
free, so free, alive at last
trying to outrun the past
and be who she was meant to be
the girl that they never chose to see
the one with passion in her heart, fire in her soul
all the feelings that made her whole
and she laughs and laughs, her life misspent
and then cries for all it ever meant
she is alone and running, falling, afraid
but never looking back on the decision she made
she is quick and beautiful, never again to be tame
because she knows this, from where she came

trust me he says
my demons can play nice
but i could see
snakes slithering under his skin
and i tried to look past that
and see the stars in his eyes
and it would burn when we touched
leaving scars all over
and i was drinking in
memories and hope
night time sounds so loud
when you're alone
sleeping next to someone
you'll never know
and he would laugh
about hateful things
and make me cringe
because the sweet words
were wrapped in lies
leaving me so empty
it's like playing with matches
when you're standing in the ashes

you said you wanted the truth
the ramblings of a misspent youth
as if it'd set us free
there was always more to me
than anyone gave me credit for
how i always wanted more
is it bittersweet?
when two worlds meet
how i longed for a simple life
to be a mother, to be a wife
days pass by and i'm too tired to sleep
and i feel a fire burning way down deep
i close my eyes and try to see
is this really the best of me?
somedays the world seems strange
living a life where things don't change
i know i wouldn't change a thing
little hands in mine, my wedding ring
somedays i know you feel it too
and it never was about you
it's me, this wild and new desire
to light the night, set the world on fire
be the change i want the world to see
all these dreams that make up me

i pray these feelings will pass
sometimes your words cut like glass
and leave me so broken, so alone
in this place i try to call home
and i wanted more than this
how it hurts with every kiss
and sometimes i just feel afraid
picking apart all the decisions i've made
because is this me
who i wanted to be
or did i fall short, full of mistake
pain in every breath i take
when i feel worthless, empty
and the tears fall plenty
and i just wanna sleep
fall into the dark & deep
or grow wings and fly away
why even bother to pray
when it doesn't change
everything looks strange
it all starts to shatter
i just wanted to matter

he can't remember where he got the knife
now he's behind bars, sentenced for life
was this the hand that he had been dealt?
didn't anyone understand just how he felt?
how days turned to endless night
was he wrong, or was he right?
the need to protect, his job as a father
that man never should've touched his daughter
and he still sees eyes so big, happy and brown
he screamed as they lowered her into the ground
she was so young, still had the world at her feet
she was so innocent, pure and sweet
and he took that, took everything away
and justice wasn't served, he had to pay
so the father watched, he would wait
fueled by anger, consumed by hate
he watched as the life left the man's eyes
and imagined the screams, his daughters cries
he thought he'd feel relief
something other than grief
but the hole grew bigger, too deep
and in this cell he starts to weep
for the whole world and it's people

i pray these feelings will pass
sometimes your words cut like glass
and leave me so broken, so alone
in this place i try to call home
and i wanted more than this
how it hurts with every kiss
and sometimes i just feel afraid
picking apart all the decisions i've made
because is this me
who i wanted to be
or did i fall short, full of mistake
pain in every breath i take
when i feel worthless, empty
and the tears fall plenty
and i just wanna sleep
fall into the dark & deep
or grow wings and fly away
why even bother to pray
when it doesn't change
everything looks strange
it all starts to shatter
i just wanted to matter

i see colors that i have never seen
and it's like falling from a dream
when i can't help but feel
that all of this is real
no longer lost and empty
hope is here, i have plenty
i am flying, being lifted up
full of faith, knowing love
and it's these moments i truly live
i want to dance and laugh and give
the seeds of kindness i want to plant and grow
it's the love for each other that i pray we all know
i wish we could have more faith in each other
and feel comfort among each sister and brother
but until then i won't give up on me
and the world won't tell me who to be
and how to act and how to speak
i know strength because i was weak
each moment is a gift, the joy and the sorrow
appreciate it, we're never promised a tomorrow

on a broken pedestal she sits
she likes the way the night fits
and the way the silence surrounds
she can think without those sounds
how this world has grown so gray
fading in from day to day
but she imagines a better world
where she's not just another girl
but she's somebody, someone
who ropes the moon, hangs the sun
her footprints make a trail of stars
burning beneath her becoming scars
upon this world she's made her own
she can't remember what it's like to be alone
and it all becomes so still
in this moment she can feel
everything she's ever had
the fear, the hope, the good, the bad
crashing together like an ocean
she feels sick from the motion
time, the greatest thief
and she feels relief
she will make it, she always has

bury your secrets in a shallow grave
sit quietly and try to behave
but what's life if you're not living?
promises kept and promises given
it's you, in the moment, all that's real
and no one can tell you how you should feel
it's only once, this world you know
and you can shatter or you can grow
sometimes we all get lost, falling off track
you can't get these days or memories back
so just do it, give it your all
the strongest people learn to fall
and get back up and learn to fight
for all that's good, all that's right
your decisions, it's all about choice
learn to find that strength, use your voice
because sometimes it's all you have

i know that when the time comes
i'll greet you like the morning sun
i'll be waiting in a white room
behind a garden, always in bloom
we'll dance and the tears won't flow
in this land where everything can grow
where there's no pain, no fear
music only you and i can hear
and we won't need to try and find
the life we thought we left behind
because here there's no time
the water tastes sweet like wine
the grass so soft beneath our feet
gold & silver pave every street
there will always be love and laughter
waiting for us in the sweet here after

when things feel like they're spinning out of control
you'll find faith in the darkest corners of your soul
when it feels like hard times are never ending
you'll find strength, hope in new beginnings
because you're so much greater than you believe
and there's nothing in life you can't achieve
find the time to dream, to love, to pray
because tomorrow is another day
you can always be better than you are
to light up the night, shine like a star
find your purpose, leave your mark
you never know when you'll touch a heart
or change a life without even knowing
seeds of kindness are always growing
seek out the good in a difficult situation
realize we are all part of a beautiful creation
look for the blessings, find the smile
because sadness only lasts a little while

sometimes my words sound hollow
like a plot i just can't follow
and i wonder if this is me
or am i just trying to be
whatever makes things right
i wanna paint my words across the night
sew up wounds that never heal
just for once be okay to feel
i've locked my demons up inside
all these scars i tried to hide
and now i feel them bleeding through
so many things i want to do
but i've been holding back
in the shadows, in the black
the darkest night i had no calm
holding my dreams in my palm
feeling them slip between each finger
heart beats slowly, thoughts still linger
is this it? all that i have to give?
is this the life i choose to live?
everything here is a choice
i just have to find my voice
and scream
if you have a dream
you should go for it
whether you miss or hit
and there is so much more to me
than you can imagine, than you can see
but i have to believe it first

your laugh was like a sad song
one i would've played all night long
if it meant you were still here
and that i would have you near
but life doesn't work out that way
praying for a better day
when it all falls back into place
and i can see your face
forget all the tears i've cried
when i meet you on the other side
i know i have to keep living, continue on
even though it hurts, knowing you're gone
someday i know we'll meet again

speak softly and whisper me truths
the adventures of a misspent youth
and we will laugh about those days gone by
and when the sadness comes it's okay to cry
you're here now, you made it this far
burning brightly, shining like a star
when so many people tried to hold you back
you kept on pushing, right on track
never giving in, never giving up
having faith and believing in love
and knowing that the world will always go 'round
it was in these quiet moments that you finally found
all the good you had inside
the "you" that you were trying to hide
looking back, you finally see
the person that you wanted to be
is the one you have become

when you found me
little was left of my heart
just parts pieced together
bruised and battered
and i thought you were
going to save me
but little by little
you just
chip, chip, chip
until there's barely
anything left
and it would hurt
if i could feel
but i'm empty
and your words
they burn, they sting
in those brief moments
when i can feel anything
it's the pain, the realization
that i'll never be
much of anything

you hold on to your tears
like souvenirs
you won't let them flow
because you can't let go
memories and pain
wash over you like rain
and you're walking the same old path
afraid to smile, afraid to laugh
it doesn't hurt to frown
and no one will let you down
if you're always prepared
to distrust those who've cared
when you're ready, you'll move on
find the road that will lead you home
arms that welcome you
hearts that love you true
and never give up
because you're worth it

you fill your pockets full of sorrow
and hope things look better tomorrow
words won't come and tears can't wait
in the back of your mind it's already too late
there's no hope here, no light
can't get through the darkest night
there's no future, no faith that you can find
so you push those words to the back of your mind
"tumor...inoperable... 6 months to live."
it's not fair, all the things you were ready to give
the joy, the love, feels like it's been ripped away
how can you go on another day
when it's all been in vain
and you know nothing but pain
and you pray, every night
that there is a light
and more to life than what you know
a place where you can go
when it's all said and done
somewhere beyond the sun

you tell me i'm a *****
that i nag and whine
that i'm stupid
and useless
and you make me feel
so empty
so ugly
so crazy
when i tell you it hurts
so bad
too bad to keep going
you offer me a rusty razor
and tell me to just do it
because you're tired of hearing
my voice

she was perfect in the beginning
before the botox and hair extensions
the adding to and taking from
her body endured
the smile that she faked
with teeth that weren't hers
but they were perfect
just like you expected her to be
and i watched her fade away
no longer the person she used to be
but she had to be perfect
for you
because you couldn't stomach
the thought of being with someone
who wasn't, could never be
a model of the things you desired
in the flesh, yours to hold
but her heart was no longer
the one you used to know
the one you fell in love with
because this one was empty
just like you wanted her to be
because if she had to be perfect
she could never be herself

sometimes i think that
you are under the impression
that i'll always be around
because with me it was about
safe & warm
the calm from the storm
and you knew you had that
with me
i think you took me for granted
i think you didn't realize what you had
but i'm slowly, slowly, slowly
seeing my worth
and i'm more valuable than
you gave me credit for
maybe you'll never understand this
that if i'm alone
it's really by choice
& because i know
i'm not settling for less
than magic
if that means waiting i'm okay with that
it has nothing to do with you
because i don't think it will ever change
i don't think you will ever truly see me
you see what you want
when you want
need me when it's convienent
but that's not for me
you can't love me sometimes
if it's not all the time
then there's not much of a point

stars shining against inky skies
and you can't find the truth in my eyes
all the lives i've known before
always seeking something more
than this
steal a kiss
seal it with your word
sweetest thing i ever heard
i always liked pretty things
try to distract you from my wings
that have turned dark as coal
something stirs inside my soul
passion? hope?
where's the rope?
i'll lasso it in
so i can live again
across foreign sands
searching for your hands
to bring me back home
the only place i belong
if you taste the pain
you'll know that tears stain
and you can't outrun the past
sometimes memories last

i was locked in a little box
sometimes it was hard to breathe
and i just wanted some warmth
some comfort, some care
but your touch was always cold
and there was always loneliness there
from your inability to love anyone
or anything
and you just left so many broken
in your path
i spent so long trying to help you
trying to mold you into something better
because i really thought it was possible
because why wouldn't someone want
to just be good and do good
but it was always lies, betrayal
it was long nights and so many tears
it was losing myself, my friends
anyone who cared about me
would be pushed away
or would look sad when they seen me
because i became so empty
because what was the point in being me
when i was always told how
wrong & worthless i was
and it hurt, it hurt a lot
to be treated that way
when i never tried to make you feel
less than or unimportant
and i believed in you
when the whole world could see
right through you
but one day it was like an awakening
and i knew that my heart couldn't
stand another minute of this
and i left, broke those chains
and you didn't see it coming
because you thought i'd always be
whatever you told me i should be
well... ******* man

in the darkness, in the night
she slips quietly, ready to fight
she feels the pain from where she landed
curses the broken wings that left her stranded
into a world that wasn't her own
too far away from the place called home
and she cries until her tears run black
knowing there's never any going back
longing to be a saint, but always the sinner
a hopeful loser, trying to be a winner
but it's cold, so cold where the wind blows
in this land of steal and stone, nothing grows
no hope, no love, no sunny skies
just the fear and pain, dark as her eyes
in the midst of her blackest hour
she finds the promise in a flower
a tiny bud rising up
maybe this will be enough
to give her hope, to get her through
until she can turn the gray skies blue
make grass grow in this land of stone
for this world will be her home

i watched the way the stars
hung in the night
and landed softly in your eyes
and it made me feel
something new
something different
i wanted to hold on to that moment
because i knew it wouldn't last
i guess nothing is forever
but i kept that moment
held it too tightly for a while
before i realized the only way
i could really love you
is to let you go
because it was you
at the end of the day
that made that decision
and i hope you never regret it
i hope you find whatever makes
you happy
because i've never been
very good at waiting
for something i'm not sure of
maybe you'll understand that
or maybe you won't
but i have so much life to live
with or without someone

you can't randomly tell me
that you love me
but that it'll never change
whatever this "situation" is
but i know it isn't right for me
because it caused me pain
and i'm so over that
i remember green eyes
& long talks
& laughing about everything
and those moments when
i actually felt safe for a little while
but what happened?
when did those sweet words
turn to doubt
and you wanted to
turn the world inside out
maybe that's not for me to
understand or even question
and i'm okay with that
i wish you well because you
were such a dear friend to me
and we can't take those things back
we can't undo it all
or just pretend it didn't happen
and maybe i'll always love you a little
but that wasn't enough
for me

Ernest Hemingway once said
write hard and clear about what hurts
what he didn't say was that sometimes
it'll feel like needles against your skin
like swallowing ashes
and your heart is racing
he didn't tell you that
sometimes writing
about what hurts isn't always so clear
you can write it out
you can mix your words
make them sound beautiful even if they are
so full of pain and shame
so you can write hard and clear
about what hurts
but just know that the after effects
aren't always as beautiful
& poetic as you'd like
sometimes it leaves a burn
a scar in places no one sees

my life was literally
falling down all around me
and you were my friend
the only friend i really had
and i talked to you all hours of the night
about what went wrong in life
and why people turn out the way they do
i found comfort in your voice
words that seemed to soothe me
give me that peace i so desperately needed
five years of not being "allowed" to be emotional
to be thoughtful or loving
because it was "inconvienent"
and i was too much and so tiresome
and i knew that and i tried to change
i tried to fit the needs of others
and it left me so empty
walking around like a shell, a ghost
of who i used to be
and i hurt inside all the time
but you gave me that brief glimpse of hope
and you whispered sweet words
that became empty promises
and that part hurt, i'm not going to lie
it bothered me so much because
really it was pointless
and it never should've happened
because we can't just be friends
i was never wired that way
and i'm sorry for you
because i could've been
the best friend you ever had

she's more honest than she should be
and sometimes it gets her in trouble
she wants to make the world
better, bigger, brighter
and people can't understand
how important that is to her
& she tries to put it out there
over and over again
look i'm awkward
i'm made of flaws and scars
sometimes i think too much
i feel too much, i want too much
and they push it aside like it's
just more of her ramblings
and it doesn't matter
but really it does
because at the end of the day
she doesn't change
& they say intelligent people
are usually more lonely because
they know what "settling" means
and they're not fit for that
sometimes they settle with something
for so long that
it partly crushes everything
they're made of
and she's been there
walked that hard road
that broken path
and she knows she never will again
she tells you that she's a dangerous
thing to love, not something to be taken
so lightly (like people always do)
it's a warning, it's giving you that freedom
(because isn't that what everyone wants)
so don't get trapped inside her head
her heart because she may not
be able to keep you
and it hurts her to see that
so don't get too close
please, she asks so nicely
because it rarely ever ends well

He reminded me of a perfect storm
ocean waves taking form
with his hand in mine
kisses sweet like wine
no longer just trying to survive
I felt awake, free and alive
deep brown eyes, lovely crooked grin
I was ready for this adventure to begin
I waited for so long
played my life like a song
waiting for someone to hear
understand what I held dear
every word he spoke became part
I felt it vibrate straight to my heart
running deep into my soul
feelings running out of control
and every time he touched my face
it felt like magic, a happy place
it felt right, fitting so well together
I want this to last forever
but I know it's too soon
to promise the stars & moon
but the way I feel, so very deep
felt just like falling asleep
and waking into a dream
and it was him

in the dark, in the deep
where she doesn't sleep
she smiles a smile that's just a mask
hiding all the questions she's afraid to ask
because life was too dangerous, too cold
always too fragile for her to hold
there were monsters among men
always about, inviting her in
but she was too afraid
too many mistakes already made
and that was what landed her here
in a place built upon fear
tears and regret made up the walls
bones for the floors, blood for halls
all that's left is loneliness and doubt
she gave up on ever getting out

I saw flowers floating
in the water
ripple, ripple
making little waves
and her hand caressed the water
thinking, thinking
should I?
“What's left for me here”
and she closes her eyes
she remembers dreams
and the life she had
before the darkness
came and took her over
and the days faded into gray
she hums a sad little song
and lets the tears fall
wondering if anyone
could ever hear her
if she screamed loud enough
she let rain fall softly on her skin
and emotions felt like they
were burning into her flesh
and she just wants to feel... whole
and not so empty
she's close, so close to the edge
of the boat, that could save her
if she's willing to just give up
roll her body into the water
and just say goodbye
to this world
and all it's weight
but she takes a deep breath
looks at the sky & sees
the promise
sunshine in the sky
so she smiles
and floats back to shore