Once upon a time
I was weak
I let other people
lead me, break me
make up what I should be
but those days
are behind me
i'm not that weak
little women
who flinches at words
or fears hard hands
that's not me
and never again will it be
I mostly feel like I was sleeping
that the life I was living
was just a dream
that I was not that girl
because how could I let it happen
but now i'm awake
rising from the fire
my skin smeared with ashes
from burning down
the image of what
people thought of me
i'm like a lion
& when I roar
it will shake mountains
and it will instill fear
so just because i'm quiet
and I try to be sweet
doesn't mean that there's not
a beast rolled up inside me
and she will f*ing bite

I saw flowers floating
in the water
ripple, ripple
making little waves
and her hand caressed the water
thinking, thinking
should I?
“What's left for me here”
and she closes her eyes
she remembers dreams
and the life she had
before the darkness
came and took her over
and the days faded into gray
she hums a sad little song
and lets the tears fall
wondering if anyone
could ever hear her
if she screamed loud enough
she let rain fall softly on her skin
and emotions felt like they
were burning into her flesh
and she just wants to feel... whole
and not so empty
she's close, so close to the edge
of the boat, that could save her
if she's willing to just give up
roll her body into the water
and just say goodbye
to this world
and all it's weight
but she takes a deep breath
looks at the sky & sees
the promise
sunshine in the sky
so she smiles
and floats back to shore

He reminded me of a perfect storm
ocean waves taking form
with his hand in mine
kisses sweet like wine
no longer just trying to survive
I felt awake, free and alive
deep brown eyes, lovely crooked grin
I was ready for this adventure to begin
I waited for so long
played my life like a song
waiting for someone to hear
understand what I held dear
every word he spoke became part
I felt it vibrate straight to my heart
running deep into my soul
feelings running out of control
and every time he touched my face
it felt like magic, a happy place
it felt right, fitting so well together
I want this to last forever
but I know it's too soon
to promise the stars & moon
but the way I feel, so very deep
felt just like falling asleep
and waking into a dream
and it was him

Rainy days make her manic
& certain sounds make her panic
wild eyes and long dark hair
dancing around without a care
to chase the demons, fight the dark
just calm the racing of her heart
when she can't get a grip
& can feel it all slip
she feels like screaming
to stop this dreaming
and let go of this disease
that brings her to her knees
she'll fold her hands and pray
that she makes it through another day
and that she escapes this prison she built
like a flower you can watch her wilt
her moods go from happy to sad
and people say it's not that bad
but they don't know, they don't see
how she's fighting to be free
from herself, her worries, her fears
she spent so long hiding the tears
and she hides the sickness, the scars
that cover her body like stars
and she just wants that chance
to be normal, so she'll dance

two days before Thanksgiving
you asked me to leave our house
because you were "tired"
and "unhappy" and "overwhelmed"
knowing i had no job, no car
& we would've been homeless
i couldn't make sense of it
and usually it was you who did
the leaving and i had to clean up the mess
every few months when you were "tired"
what you didn't tell me
came to light after you begged me
to come home
making promises you never
intended to keep
until she showed up at my house
in front of our daughter
playing messages where you
were telling her that you loved her
after knowing her maybe 3 weeks?
she wanted you to pay
for hurting her
not giving a ****
that i was someone's wife
& there was a child
within ear shot having to hear these things
she cried because you "broke her heart"
and i cried because nobody should've been hurt
i hugged her because i'm an idiot
for taking on a pain that wasn't mine
but i felt so guilty for all this
because i was so used to carrying your guilt
& you told me after we were evicted
that it was all about the money
that you were laying with the farmers daughter
because you somehow felt entitled to a better life
you should've told me these things
you should've been honest
but i've never been allowed that
and i thought i was strong enough
to make things work
but some things are so broken
that there's no mending
& it's useless pretending
& i'm sure there were so many others
because nothing about our "marriage"
was ever solid, or loving, or whole
it was just me being drug back and forth
promises, promises, promises
lies, lies, lies
and i never really knew you
because no one really does
you become whatever you need to
if it'll make your life "easy"
you were still doing terrible things
things that i will never tell anyone about
when i decided that i couldn't stay
because i was so close to breaking
and completely losing myself
and i honestly felt like i would die
had i stayed
and i wanted what was best
for everyone
& sometimes the best
is freedom

she's more honest than she should be
and sometimes it gets her in trouble
she wants to make the world
better, bigger, brighter
and people can't understand
how important that is to her
& she tries to put it out there
over and over again
look i'm awkward
i'm made of flaws and scars
sometimes i think too much
i feel too much, i want too much
and they push it aside like it's
just more of her ramblings
and it doesn't matter
but really it does
because at the end of the day
she doesn't change
& they say intelligent people
are usually more lonely because
they know what "settling" means
and they're not fit for that
sometimes they settle with something
for so long that
it partly crushes everything
they're made of
and she's been there
walked that hard road
that broken path
and she knows she never will again
she tells you that she's a dangerous
thing to love, not something to be taken
so lightly (like people always do)
it's a warning, it's giving you that freedom
(because isn't that what everyone wants)
so don't get trapped inside her head
her heart because she may not
be able to keep you
and it hurts her to see that
so don't get too close
please, she asks so nicely
because it rarely ever ends well

she likes to tell him that
his eyelashes remind her
of feathers, black feathers
like a crow
and he laughs
it vibrates against her skin
she tells him that
his lips taste like gumdrops
and his skin smells like
pine needles
and he doesn't know
what to make of her words
& how they're beautiful
& crazy all at once
she likes to breathe him in
little by little
to make sure memories
are gonna last
& there's an ocean in his eyes
she feels waves rocking
and she wants to float
and not drown
sometimes she's afraid
of her heart and all that she can feel
but this is the part
when they grow silent
and he traces his fingers down her back
because sometimes silence
is the best response