Ernest Hemingway once said
write hard and clear about what hurts
what he didn't say was that sometimes
it'll feel like needles against your skin
like swallowing ashes
and your heart is racing
he didn't tell you that
sometimes writing
about what hurts isn't always so clear
you can write it out
you can mix your words
make them sound beautiful even if they are
so full of pain and shame
so you can write hard and clear
about what hurts
but just know that the after effects
aren't always as beautiful
& poetic as you'd like
sometimes it leaves a burn
a scar in places no one sees

my life was literally
falling down all around me
and you were my friend
the only friend i really had
and i talked to you all hours of the night
about what went wrong in life
and why people turn out the way they do
i found comfort in your voice
words that seemed to soothe me
give me that peace i so desperately needed
five years of not being "allowed" to be emotional
to be thoughtful or loving
because it was "inconvienent"
and i was too much and so tiresome
and i knew that and i tried to change
i tried to fit the needs of others
and it left me so empty
walking around like a shell, a ghost
of who i used to be
and i hurt inside all the time
but you gave me that brief glimpse of hope
and you whispered sweet words
that became empty promises
and that part hurt, i'm not going to lie
it bothered me so much because
really it was pointless
and it never should've happened
because we can't just be friends
i was never wired that way
and i'm sorry for you
because i could've been
the best friend you ever had

i was locked in a little box
sometimes it was hard to breathe
and i just wanted some warmth
some comfort, some care
but your touch was always cold
and there was always loneliness there
from your inability to love anyone
or anything
and you just left so many broken
in your path
i spent so long trying to help you
trying to mold you into something better
because i really thought it was possible
because why wouldn't someone want
to just be good and do good
but it was always lies, betrayal
it was long nights and so many tears
it was losing myself, my friends
anyone who cared about me
would be pushed away
or would look sad when they seen me
because i became so empty
because what was the point in being me
when i was always told how
wrong & worthless i was
and it hurt, it hurt a lot
to be treated that way
when i never tried to make you feel
less than or unimportant
and i believed in you
when the whole world could see
right through you
but one day it was like an awakening
and i knew that my heart couldn't
stand another minute of this
and i left, broke those chains
and you didn't see it coming
because you thought i'd always be
whatever you told me i should be
well... ******* man

she likes her music loud
& to read long books
she likes good movies
with twisted plots
and she likes to hear
the sound of your laughter
or whispers at 3 am
when you can't hold
your secrets anymore
and she likes to stand
in the shadows and observe
or listen to people when
they talk and you can feel
their emotions rolling into yours
and she feels so much in those moments
that you may not understand
but if you watch her long enough
you'll wonder how she never broke
she likes rich desserts
and really lame jokes
and shopping for things second hand
she has so many quirks
and admits she's a nerd
but she's come to feel
like she really doesn't care
she doesn't want everything
just a few simple things
and to know that she really
isn't too much
but just enough

you can't randomly tell me
that you love me
but that it'll never change
whatever this "situation" is
but i know it isn't right for me
because it caused me pain
and i'm so over that
i remember green eyes
& long talks
& laughing about everything
and those moments when
i actually felt safe for a little while
but what happened?
when did those sweet words
turn to doubt
and you wanted to
turn the world inside out
maybe that's not for me to
understand or even question
and i'm okay with that
i wish you well because you
were such a dear friend to me
and we can't take those things back
we can't undo it all
or just pretend it didn't happen
and maybe i'll always love you a little
but that wasn't enough
for me

i watched the way the stars
hung in the night
and landed softly in your eyes
and it made me feel
something new
something different
i wanted to hold on to that moment
because i knew it wouldn't last
i guess nothing is forever
but i kept that moment
held it too tightly for a while
before i realized the only way
i could really love you
is to let you go
because it was you
at the end of the day
that made that decision
and i hope you never regret it
i hope you find whatever makes
you happy
because i've never been
very good at waiting
for something i'm not sure of
maybe you'll understand that
or maybe you won't
but i have so much life to live
with or without someone

sometimes i think that
you are under the impression
that i'll always be around
because with me it was about
safe & warm
the calm from the storm
and you knew you had that
with me
i think you took me for granted
i think you didn't realize what you had
but i'm slowly, slowly, slowly
seeing my worth
and i'm more valuable than
you gave me credit for
maybe you'll never understand this
that if i'm alone
it's really by choice
& because i know
i'm not settling for less
than magic
if that means waiting i'm okay with that
it has nothing to do with you
because i don't think it will ever change
i don't think you will ever truly see me
you see what you want
when you want
need me when it's convienent
but that's not for me
you can't love me sometimes
if it's not all the time
then there's not much of a point