there are so many thing i want to tell you
it's like i'm an open sky and i'm just waiting to spill constellations of light and explode ever so gently and politely into your eyes
it isn't fair you know
my life has always been a room of stark white black and grey
then you walk in and splatter colors onto my wall
then walk away
so i stare day and night at the brightness on my wall
i've never let anyone desecrate my mind in such a way
i'd always let people know to take off their shoes and remember their coats
that they were only visiting
and what's more
you never came back,
though i left rsvvp apologies and wantings at your door
most guests wouldn't dare leave a crumb
but there's a splatter of hues on my wall
and try as i might
i can't bring myself to clean it up
and it's crazy
how you never know your were living in a colorblind cell
until someone opens your eys
and then you see
the whole world's in color
and your life of rights and wrongs suddenly goes out the window
but you never came back to teach me how to walk in the light
so i'm stumbling into my own shadows and it's bright
and i'm frightened
come back
i've started dreaming in blues
come back
i'm a white canvas with a black scribble down my spine
come back
i've started bleeding in reds
come back
i'm tired of feeling in shades of you

little girl blue in a house of tea kettles strewn across the mantel
they sputtered and shrieked
while she whispered soft promises into the sheets but had fists
that had been bitten by her teeth
as she choked back all the things she used to call
perfect
she wanted to fly into the sun
she was a moth caught in a web that she could fight out of
but her eyes saw the flickering of a bulb and it blinded her
she thought the was the best it could ever be
she has tied her ankles into the darkest spot of her mind
while trying to reach out to the brightest place in her heart
maybe she could run so fast that every mistake she's ever made
will blur into every memory that's ever made her feel beautiful
so she can laugh at herself and think she's beaten death
maybe one day when she mumbles how this is not real, she'll wake up
she'll find that she's five years old again
and that she's home
and she'll no longer be afraid of the mirror
she'll have the strenght to say
no

i'm so alone
the sun is this big orb and the moon is a big bore
take your peer-pressured practicalities into the closet
and lie awake thinking why you never go out alone
we're all clining to each other because we are afraid
the other side is probbaly a long list of forms
and we're here hoping that it holds everything that will make things right with ourselves
we're so afraid
it's because we don't know how to live
we don't know how to love
we tear each other apart trying to figure out what's inside ourselves
but when the sun goes down
and the stars glare at us
from what is a delayed constellation of graveyards
we forget our names
and our lives become black and white photographs in the attic
we feel forgotten if we don't hear our flaws on someone else's lips
we are so alone
because  we do't know how to be together
we scream and hold and ****
but what we want is to have enough silence in our heads to feel peace
we want to be free
but skip into prisons of our own making
we're so broken
we're so imperfect
but light candles for gods that promise they'll love us into the next life,
perhaps hoping they'll remember us when no one else will
remember me

it seemed like you were always waiting
for what,
i don't know
to be found i guess
because your voice was so sad
as you made it dance for the
delight of others
you had your words carry
the weight of others' ***** feet and
slick judgement
it was embarrassing seeing your
silver tongue dip its form
into the sooty ink of
your fear and have it
sign someone else's dreams
on the dotted line
you're a degenerate angel without
wings
you'd jump off bridges to have
her scream your name
just once
have her say your name

traipsing w/soft-handed monsters
into strange apartments
crying,
thinking about ghost cinema
and pseudo coffee
broken echoes of sharp nights,
harsh glass,
and sad eyes
this is millennium
this is for the crimes in dreams
that we write our crooked names on
street corners and label our belongings
in his or her's
we are trapped on the other side of the
wall
we have shut our own doors
to the howling void
to the hungry children
to the starving hordes
this is why we create
because amidst the spiraling mindsets
of
now-forgottens,
we want to be the light
we want to swallow the dark
peer into our belly,
beast of tomorrow
we've collected our debts to you
we have scattered our soul
behind every painting,
inside every word
catch us if you can

it was my little heart that could not give
to the brittle hands that could not hold
you were so thin, i couldn't get my arms around you
with your shiny and your new
and your little stick with the loud bark
i could almost hear my tears,
taking tiny steps in the big house
you're a monster- my abuse
i'm your garden- that's my use
you used to love me-
my excuse

Why will this not break?
Why will this not fade into
awry little women muttering apologies?
Why will this not heal,
soften, dampen like the eyes of an innocent
This vex, this folly, a mistake to be erased
Instead it's morphing into a wrinkled excuse,
an overplayed scar
Stubborn, unsatisfied with only bothering me in dreams,
it swims around my consience
But isn't it my privilage to awaken from nightmares?
Don't I have the right to forget?

Pain is not weakness leaving the body,
but the slow dying of a will