Darkness surrounds me with
voices emerging from the haze.
“Do you remember when we first did this?
She didn’t wake up for days."
There's laughter and the
clinking of glass on glass;
a sound that used to be melodic.
A lighter flicks on;
Inhale. Exhale.
I struggle to wake up,
my limbs pushing through tar;
I could barely breathe.
“Yeah, I remember. She learned her place real good then.
She'll never talk back to us again.”
Their laughter is in the distance,
followed by zippers being fixed and footsteps.
I fight through the tar, my eyes glued shut.
I break the surface, and my eyes spring open.
The curtains are drawn, and the room is dark;
It's nighttime.
There are 10 of them sitting on the couches;
drinking, laughing, doing drugs.
My fingers begin to move and
I can feel the air moving in and out of my lungs.
But the relief is short-lived,
cut short by a sharp pain in my ribs.
I could feel them creaking, sickeningly bruised.
Just count to 3.
1.
2.
3.
My body is upright, but I'm freezing;
my clothes are strewn around the room:
shorts, shirt, bra and underwear.
I'm naked.
I try to crawl and collect my things:
Bra, shirt, underwear, shorts.
Be steady, keep it steady.
“Looks like the ***** has decided to rejoin us.
Why don’t you come sit with us, baby?”
I turn my head as my hands tremble.
They’re watching me like hungry dogs.
Focus, clear your head, don’t be angry.
“O-okay.”
Put one foot in front of the other and walk
Eyes on my back, eyes on my front;
they're scanning, waiting, drooling.
I'm surrounded by monsters.
Pigs that are grinning and laughing.
“You were out for a few hours there, had us a bit worried.”
Nod your head and stare straight ahead.
Do not make eye contact.
“When I speak to you, you ******* look at me.”
Again comes the instant pain.
My hair yanked back while my eyes water.
I turn my head and create the eye contact he desired.
“I’m sorry.”
Mumble, act sorry, do not get angry.
“What was that?”
There's sweetness laced with poison in those words.
Walk away quickly and play it off.
“I said ‘sorry.’ Are you deaf?”
It's silent again,
I can hear my heart racing in my chest.
The floorboards creak,
and his footsteps echo in my head.
He's there, his hand wrapping around my arm;
Squeezing harder and harder.
I turn around and make eye contact.
What have I done?
“Don’t you understand?
Do you ever ******* listen?
What will it take for you to learn?"
His fist hits before I'm ready:
stomach, arms, legs and chest.
Close your eyes, it’ll be okay.
Pretend like it isn’t happening.
“Answer me, you *****, answer me!”
Everyone is advancing.
Stay quiet, don’t even breathe.
The cracked tile is cool against my skin,
but there's feet, kicking and stomping,
steel-toed boots hitting with exquisite accuracy.
Open your eyes for one last glance
The edges are blurring.
Keep conscious Ash, you don’t want to lose it right now.
Just breathe and ignore the pain, it’ll be done soon.
And as I succumb to the darkness,
one voice rises above the rest:
“Do whatever you want to her, I don’t care.”
Zippers come undone and pants hit the floor.
Their laughter rattles in my chest.
Their hands are everywhere.
Struggle, fight back Ashleigh.
Do something.
They are everywhere,
touching, grabbing, biting;
****** me.
Just go to sleep now. It’s just a dream.
**It’ll all be over soon.
Fall to sleep at 10, wake up at midnight, a flashback still in your mind.
This is what i do every night. This is what I relive, every night. And most nights I can handle it, but tonight I couldn't.
Writing is my saving grace.