I was broken, I was severely unafraid
Nothing mattered anymore
Because I had already lost
My family and my friends

And my depression was kicking in too hard
I wasn't trying, I wasn't caring enough
Love was never enough
Though there it was in overwhelming amounts

I never belonged to anyone
No one ever lived for me
And life was being suffocated from me
That emptiness within me was bruising me

How polite, how unapologetic
How fast, hurdling down, my decisiveness
I started tumbling down, without fear
Shameless, without nerves or apathy

I was brilliant in the limelight
But behind the shadows I was being swallowed
By anonymity and solitary confinement
The darkness was strangling me

I left everything I was, to reach everything
I thought I could be
Didn't I get everything I wanted?
Yeah, I thought this was the plan

But I became someone else
Other desires became attached to me
My heart changed, my mind bent, my thoughts evolved
I lost focus, in sight of love and desire

I never bothered to figure
What it meant to be happy, within me
The work was tedious, but only on the exterior
No time allotted to the dwindling interior

I was broken, I was severely unafraid
Nothing mattered anymore
I could be starving a thousand times more
I've been disillusioned many times more by banquets of contempt

Could someone point the way
to salvation please or even
just a full night's sleep,
without being bone-tired?
Kind people, could you
please tell me
a way to feel again?
If not, could you just
tell me how to trust again?

You see, as of now,
I'm in this ugly space where nothing is
non-existent and something is just a warning
that I am going to be doing something
irredeemably dumb.

Did you hear, kind madam, that yesterday
a girl, barely four months old,
was killed because she was lesser?
Did you know that her older brother
burnt her hand intentionally, and her
father only laughed? Her mother
killed herself, you know.

Rumours say, her mother-in-law hated her
and after the girl was born, she only hated
the woman more. The father, as rumours go,
made her sleep on the floor in the kitchen,
after she birthed a female. The mother hated
the girl so much, but she knew the greatest
punishment would be to make the little girl
live out her life with her father and brother.

The mother couldn't tolerate looking after the
little girl any more, they whisper, let alone,
look at her every day to see a sign of her failure

The police verified the woman died due to rat poison.
Whether she drank freely or due to someone else's
Persuasion and other such insignificant details have
been carefully lost and burnt. The little girl, with no
One to look after her, died. Markings that suspiciously
looked like hands were found around her neck.  
They covered it with a dear little scarf and ignored it.

They say I've been here for three days
These young folk in white coats
Telling me that this is serious, but treatable
I have lived three even four of their lifetimes

Two weeks have past, I feel more pain
I have not felt grass or the sun since I walked through the doors of this horrid place
With the tile floors, white walls
Scrubs constantly walking through the halls

Beeping machines
Vegetables, con-artists, and bad misfortunes on good people
rest in cold rooms
on terrible beds

I couldn't pronounce the name of it
A strange elixir probably made in a lab
Some young coat said it will cure me
However the side effects are grueling

The white coat was right
I have lost all time and clarity
A state of consciousness no more
Sifting through this waist deep puzzle

Now I am floating, no longer stuck in my bed
No needles and machines surrounding me
Down below I see a beach
I know of this place

This moment is surreal, below is my brother and I
We are running on the sand
It is a warm August day
I will always remember this

Familiar faces surround me
Yet the room is so slow
These are my friends
“You'll pull through” they say

A bonfire in the woods
Beer and smokes in every adolescent hand
Attempts to fit in I walk around
Then I saw her, she was so beautiful

Why have the walls changed
The window no longer faces my right
I can now see the tops of the trees
“Intensive Care Unit” written on the door

Evening stroll with the girl from the party
The dress how could I forget about the dress

There is a tray of food in front of me
**** excuse of a meal
No familiar faces today, only white coats and needles pricking and poking
Another machine “This will help sir”

The saw mill, my first job
The sounds of the mill grow louder
Metal slicing wood, screaming and yelling in agony
Ear piercing pain

A new face in a chair, my daughter
She looks weary two three tissues in hand
A hug and a forehead kiss “to help pass the time”
Deck of cards presented on my lap, I forgot my love for them

The air is tense, my daughter yelling
New white coated men take her hand
She cries and the air thins
I cannot read their lips, she is her mother

Full suitcases and an empty room
Happy tears run down my mothers face
Acceptance letter hung on the fridge
“Proud of you son” the first and last time

Who's hands are these
Hands worn by time and the sun, such difficulty to form a fist
Texture of a tree, cut me open
Count the rings to know my age

On the stage receiving my master's
The hours spent studying
Sacrificed Friday nights deep in a textbook
This is my proudest moment

Satisfying an itch sudden pain
Down at my chest lies a new wound
Perhaps they took my soul
Destined to live as an ever growing bed sore

Rows of cubicles
The days of emails and brown nosing higher-ups
Late nights drowned in beer
Slowly drifting from my family

Oxygen mask around my mouth
Bored grandchildren begging parents to go home
Go ahead. Leave
Let me enjoy my final days alone

Beer bottles shattered across the floor
My family walking out the door
My demons caused my family to leave
I never saw the girl from the party again

In my dying moments I realized a truth
We spend our lives wanting more
Only to be kept alive in a pitiful state
Having friends and family surround your semi-lifeless corpse

I no longer wish to be imprisoned in this
Old, weak, and cancerous cadaver
I have become what I feared
Forever waiting for tomorrow’s applesauce

This time falling from high distance
Finally clarity, a want for freedom no more
Reflecting regrets and mistakes of the past no more
Suddenly stopping I awake in the white walls

In my final spring of energy I rose my arm
“On my own terms” I whisper and I begin to break my shackles
Fail safe alarms from my prison, no chance of survival
White coats rushing in. Wasted effort

and alas, eternal sleep

If you don't afford me the same respect
That I afford you
How dare you expect me to hold my tongue
Keep my silence
Look down, look away, so as not to offend
your darling pride
How dare you pretend that you're all
Supreme
Though you are almost hypocritical
You might delude
Yourself into believing yourself fair
But you're anything
But fair in your dealings, anything
but respectful
How dare you tell us that we have to keep
Shut and follow
When you barely set the brightest example
No one expects
You to be a perfect idol, but you're just vile
In your treatment
We might be below you for now, but one
Day we'll go on
To become the future generation, the leaders,
The pioneers
So lady, please talk nicely because even though
I avert my eyes
Try and keep my tone flat, even I have a threshold
When I break
And look at you finally, with the eyes that scream
'Anger! Hate!'
Be careful. I might not make the best grades, and I
Certainly don't
Believe I do. It isn't even my first priority but I am
Still your student
Still obliged to you but even I won't back off if you
Start talking down
Like I am a pesky bug that needs wiping away
I am not
Going to simply avert my eyes then and look away
I will stand
Scream out the truth I believe, I see, the truth of you
Being totally unfit
For such a holy profession as teaching

from dusk to dawn,
I wish I'd catch a wink of sleep
it certainly isn't pleasant to be going to sleep
when the rest of the household starts to rouse themselves
but such is the life of a closet insomniac
such is the life of one who lives in paranoia
such is, after all, the life of one who only ever comes alive
with the Night City, my Night City,
identified by the purplish-black clouds that blanket the city
and it's neon lights, for once again letting
us insomniacs become ourselves,
the ones who laugh and dance
and live and breathe when the world sleeps
the ones that return to existing as mere
shadows with the dawn of the sun
for us though, the awakening of the world is
with the appearance of starlight
with the quietening of most of
the sounds that plague daylight
random fires on streets are put out and we are left
to delight in the firey-orange neon lights.

aah. but what a sad time for us
when we become shadows
unable to do anything, with heavy weighted limbs
that refuse to obey any command,
with woolly heads and sleep deprivation,
almost-vampires for we don't sparkle
bruises under our eyes are barely noticed
for they are always there
during the day, shadows we become.
brushed aside and barely noticed, yet
in silence we choose to remain,
reveling in the knowledge that
night will return again.

I've got a confession.
No matter how much you love me,
Care ,
And swear to never leave.
I'll always think of going back to him
That guy who uses me.
Why? Hell if I know. 
Though, Id go if he'd take me,
And stay, if he'd break me.
Even though I KNOW in a month or less
I'd be no more than another ex.
I hate to say this...
Because I do like you,
But I can't stay away from him,
Like I could to you.