You only realize
you need company
when you're alone.

I'm independent.

I've never been independent.

Leave me alone.

I'm lonely.

I'd rather look out for you
than look at you.

You were hard
like sun-warmed
stone, your
eyelashes were
feathers – these
are things I can't
forget; I'll write
you poems forever.

I’ll love you as long as the sea is blue
I remember smiling and leaning into his arms
They anchored me to the world as we watched the waves crash on the shore
Ignoring the calls of the gulls and itch of the sand between my toes
I replied without thinking, just sure of the bond between us in a way
I’d never been sure of anything
Then I’ll love you as deep as the sea*
He smiled and hugged me a little tighter in reply
And I thought that I had found it
On the beach of my childhood, my true home
I started to believe in true love

The day we said good bye I drove to the beach
As my chest cracked itself open to pour out
Everything we had been
Into the storm of my tears and the wild wind that battered my car
When I got there the wind had whipped even the sand into a frothy fury
I found our place, by the little cove and fallen tree
It wasn't home without his arms around me

I watched the angry grey waves batter the sand
Overwhelmed by the complete expanse of churning water before me
The depths in the distance were nearly black and capped in lacy foam
As the brewing storm incited the sea
The ever deep stormy grey sea

I thought my heart broke then
but I couldn't be sure, it was with him
Instead, I drove home alone
Knowing only fools thought love could last

today i learned that your favourite
colour is red.
(i also happened to be wearing it.)
today i learned that everything i’ve ever wanted to happen
will eventually happen,
but not in the ways i imagined they would.
today i learned that i can love you from a distance,
that i can say it with my eyes and maybe you will
hear me.
(or maybe you won’t but
either way i’m going to keep looking at you.)
today i learned that you care about me because
you told me to put on my scarf so that i wouldn't get cold.
today i learned that love is a language all on its own,
full
of laughter and long embraces and jokes and
spur of the moment decisions and unrequited heartache
and other things
i cannot find words for.
today i learned that instead of being a fool for
not being able to control my heart i might in fact
just be human.
today i learned that every solid foundation was once
a battleground.
today i learned that i could one day maybe trust again but
i am still not ready yet.
today i learned that black friday
is now a thing in Canada.
today i don’t feel so afraid.
today my mother let me read her journal from 1988
(when she was the age that i am right now)
and i learned that i am more like her than i ever
thought i was,
i learned that that might be more of a blessing
than a curse.
today i learned how to use my mind as a camera, that it might
be okay to let so many precious moments remain
undeveloped.
today i learned that i cannot force you to be enamoured with me.
today i learned that i might just have to settle on the fact that my inability to express myself with words has no bearing on how nervous i get when i am around you.
today i learned that there is so much love everywhere.
today i learned that everyone is stunning.
today i learned that there is no such thing as having too big
of a heart.

You
          walked me
          to my car,
          tucked me
          into your
          arms, let
          me take
          a second
          to breathe
          in the scent
          of laundry
          and leaves
          hanging
          heavily on
          your coat
          one last time.
          I wanted to
          dissolve into
          the fabric. I
          wish we could
          have ended
          up differently.