Once again, I find myself at a weak moment.
A moment of wondering what now?
What do I do; where do I go from here?
Why do I place all my hope into  
something that appears so encouraging
on the outside, to only turn out to be a façade?

Is it my internal optimism that allows me
to hope, despite all of the prior pain
I have endured? What else can it be?
Is it my continual bad choices, or is it
still God’s will for me to continue learning?  
Regardless of the questions, I am slowly
losing faith that I will ever find what I am
truly looking for.  

I do not believe in faerie tales.  
Reality is what we make of it.  
I try not to force my own destiny,
but allow it to follow course,
as it is meant to do.  
But, somehow, I still dream that there  
is someone out there for me.
Someone to hold my hand  
through life’s numerous journeys.  

Is it better to not try to find love,
yet instead, allow it to find you?
Only then, will it be genuine?  
I do not know anymore.  
Others seem to find it so easily,
while I am one who often struggles
for even a chance to show
my self-worth, my devotion, my love.

I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore.  
I cannot feel this loss anymore.  
Maybe I am meant to be alone.  
I suppose there is only one person
that truly has the answers to my questions.
I guess I am just to believe that he
knows what is best for me right now.    

I feel the path I am walking is the
right one, but I am just as human
as others who crave the touch
of another’s skin to theirs;  
who long for a kiss to their lips as
as a sign of adoration.    
Yearning to be someone that
another wants to share their
thoughts, aspirations, and dreams with.  

Even I tell others to concentrate
on what is good in their lives -
to try not to allow the emptiness
they are feeling to consume them whole.
Am I not a hypocrite to be giving such advice
when I, myself, do not take it?
Somehow, I have to believe in the words I say.
I wonder if my solution is rather simple?  
Maybe it will take years for the answer
to surface, instead of, in days I hoped it would take?  

Regardless, I want to trust again.  I want to believe in
another’s words to me.  I want to feel their embrace,
instead of each night going to sleep untouched.  
Besides all of the roles I play in my life,  
I just want to feel alive again.  
God, is any of this too much to ask?  

Vicki A. Zinn
September 29, 2013

How do I learn to truly forgive myself?
How do I stop blaming myself
for the mistakes I have made?
How do I find peace within
myself to move forward,
instead of always looking backwards?  
How do I turn this around,
before I totally lose myself again?

These questions haunt me
each and every day.
Just when I think I am making
even the smallest of steps forward,
there is something, or someone,
who pulls me back –
back down into the abyss
of pure sorrow and shame.  
Sorrow of love gone wrong, or lost;
shame for allowing it to
consume such a beautiful heart, and mind.

I know that I must learn to forgive myself
for all of my errors of judgment,
which is one of the hardest things
I have ever had to face.
Being one’s own worst enemy,
while facing the deepest of all criticisms,
is very hard to overcome,
especially, when you lose sight of
the light at the end of the tunnel.  
My faith deserts me when
I need it the most.  
I am solely living on the outside,
while slowly dying in the inside.  

I see, nor feel, any real purpose.  
Am I always meant to loom
in another’s shadow?  
Never to reap the benefits
of all that I have invested?
Never to be acknowledged
for having a good heart?
Never feeling like I will
ever be truly loved,
or cherished, for the
person that I am?  
What does it truly take
for someone to see
the worth in me?  

All these questions,
while not having the answers
makes it hard to believe
that you matter that much
to all those around you.  
Am I just going to always be
an afterthought,
instead of, a forethought?

What more can I do to
prove my own worthiness?
Will I perpetually be stuck
in uncertainties of my own
self-doubt?  
Will I ever truly find my
place in this world?

All these questions constantly
swirl in my mind, as I try
to figure out the answers.
The pressure of finding
these answers lies
heavily on my shoulders.
I am a strong woman, indeed,
but when I face one
challenge after another,
without truly healing,
I tend to find myself
questioning my own existence.

I do not want to be remembered
as a woman who was always in pain.
I want my self-description to be of
a woman, who despite her
many adversities,  found her
sense of being, as an example to others.
Life is exactly what we make of it.
If I continue to allow myself to
wallow in these fears,
then I have truly succumbed to
own my demise.

Even with the most clouded
of mind, I know I can not
allow this anymore.  
I know that my heart
cannot endure the pain
and disappointment that it bears.  
So, I must learn to recognize
that I am human, and that
I will make mistakes.  
How I learn from these mistakes
is what separates me from another -
it is what defines my uniqueness.  
Regardless of the loneliness
that surrounds me constantly,
I must remember that I am
needed, and wanted, by others.

The only way to do this
is to try to forgive myself,
while realizing,
that those who also recognize
my true beauty are the ones
that deserve to be part of my life.  
As the haze lifts more and more each day,
I do believe I will find my way again.
Just some more bumps along this
road that they call life.  

Vicki A. Zinn
May 27, 2013

A year of my life has come and gone,
as though it passed
in just a second’s time.  
I had lived many days
filled with so much regret;
continually asking myself
what if I had been
the person I am now,
would it had made
a difference in our outcome?

I realize now that
we are two different people.  
But, does it really matter
that we grew up differently,
or one has more than the other?  
Because I know, and believe,
that true love stems
from an internal understanding
of one another, and is
not based on materialism,
or circumstance.  

Letting go of the regrets
has freed me from a life of guilt,
and “what if’s.”  
I am proud of the woman I am now.  
I know that I could not have done
anything differently,
or I could not have
loved you more than I did,
not only with my words,
but, with my actions, also.  

I am now free to find a new start,
a new direction.  
Without this burden,
I can clearly discover
what the world
has in store for me now -
whether that means a new love,
or a new dream.
Whatever it is,
I am not so sure, right now.
But, with each day,
the path will become
much clearer in my mind;
as this haze of uncertainty,
which is like the early morning fog,
that envelopes the countryside,
will begin to dissipate
little by little, with time.  

At least now I am not
so scared of failure,
as I have been taught a very
valuable lesson.
I have learned,
in a very hard way
that letting go
is not as simple as
one thinks it should be.
However, it is
truly necessary
in order to proceed
through the new door
that has just opened
before your eyes.    

Vicki A. Zinn

May 4th, 2013

There you are,
once more,
in my dreams.
We talk as though
we are starting anew.
We touch like not one
day has passed since
our last intimate embrace.  
With your word,
and your grasp,
you assure me that
we were meant for
each other, and that,
nothing will ever tear
us apart, again.  

When I awake,
I often sit and then wonder,
what is the meaning of this?
I fear it is my subconscious
speaking to me;
trying to show me
that I still think of you,
when I should not be.
I fear it is my heart
playing out the emotions
that I try to keep well hidden,
deep within.  
However, my thoughts seem
clearer to me than they
have in many, many months.
In actuality, this fantasy
has not crossed
my mind in quite some time.  

So, the real reason for these
dreams remains a mystery.
Perhaps, it is a vision sent
from God to show me
our reconciliation one day;
or maybe, it is a sign
of something else?
I do not know the answer, really.
But, I suppose that whatever
these dreams symbolize,
I will one day realize
what needs to be done
when I stumble upon
the bridge that needs
to be crossed.  

Vicki A. Zinn

April 7, 2013

As the fog that
has surrounded me,
for so long now,
has finally dissipated,
I can clearly now see
my future lying before me.  
Forever it seemed,
it was like looking
at a glass half empty,
instead of half full.  
Such a dismal outlook to have
on a life with so much potential.  

The clarity that I have sought
has finally been attained –
it is like finally seeing
the light at the end of
a very dark tunnel.  
Instead of ambling around
aimlessly in a haze of
uncertainty and loneliness,
I am now walking
a clearly marked path.  

This journey has never been
more readily apparent to me,
than it is now.  
Confidence beams from my being,
as a fountain of purpose
showering the world.  
I have never been so ready
to finally fulfill, and achieve,
my greatest dreams and aspirations.

The clarity I have sought,
has been a rather difficult,
and painful, internal battle.
But, with much strength,
patience, and determination,
I am now well on my way
to transforming into the
person that I was
designed to be.

Vicki A. Zinn

March 22, 2013

The broken glass lies on the floor
in front of me.
It has shattered into many pieces,
just as my spirit has done so
many times before.  
I have struggled for a long time
to find my place in this world,
but, one thing I have never questioned,
is my identity.

Beneath the surface,
God has bestowed upon me the
greatest beauty of all – my heart.
Not in its physical form,
but, in its spiritual one,
is what defines my identity.  
Simply known as character,
it is how one is seen
leading their life,
each and every day.  

With pride, my identity
can shine onto others,
as an example of how
a heart can be so loving,
so caring, so understanding,
so compassionate, so kind.  
All of these traits are
what comprise my identity.

Forever, I will personify these traits,
like one who proudly wears
a badge of courage;
a badge to show that
I have weathered the
toughest of battles,
and have come out
stronger than ever .  
Along the way,
with each challenge presented,
not once has my identity faltered.  

As I pick up the pieces
of the broken glass,
I place them all together
on the surface in front of me.  
The cracked glass outline
reminds me of my many failures;
however, I look past the
fissures that are apparent on the surface,
and see my identity staring back at me.  
It is complete, and reflective,
not fragmented and dull.  

Even though certain facets
of my life remain unclear to me now,
my identity is something
that I am most certain of.
With pride, I carry it with
me every day; with honor,
I display it courageously.  

Vicki A. Zinn

March 12, 2013

This pain encompasses me;
it envelopes me; it surrounds me.
It follows me with each step
that my foot it does make;
it belabors me with each beat
of my heart it does take.
It shadows me even on
the cloudiest of days;
it reminds me with each memory
that my mind recreates.  

Your face exists
in my dreams now.
It haunts my thoughts,
each passing day.
Memories of our love
still linger in my heart.  
The feelings we once shared
are now only one-sided.  

I don’t know how to forget you,
even though I know I should.  
This mental anguish, alone,
causes me indescribable hurt.  
This hurt torments me,  
as flashbacks of our
times together continually taunt me –
constantly reminding me of how
truly happy we once were.  
I begin to lose control of my emotions –
sobbing, shaking uncontrollably.  

Each night before I slumber,
I pray to God that he grant
me some hours of peace,
as all parts of my being
are so exhausted, anymore.  
But, this pain finds me,
even while I try to rest.  
My once safe haven,
now discovered,
is only filled with nightmares.

I barely survive each day.  
I feel like an empty shell;
a lost soul walking around,
in circles, with no end in sight.  
Circles with no meaning, nor purpose,
in life, other than to
repeat the same cycle,
over and over again.  
How do I break free of this insanity?  

Even though my judgment is clouded,
the only thing I can be certain of,
is that I must find a way to survive this.
I must take the time to heal;
I must not give into the temptations
of loneliness, as misery
tends to love company.  
I need to realize that
true mending of my spirit
must be done on my own.  
This is when I truly learn
my own strengths, and weaknesses.  

I have been in this place before,
and I found my way out of the abyss.
Even though the path was dark,
at first, the longer I climbed ,
the closer to the surface I got.
At times, I slipped and fell downwards,
but, my desire to desperately
depart this darkness,
burnt so intensely within.
This fire, of true conviction,
was the only light that
helped me reach the surface.  

This pain will ease one day.  
I know I must believe,
as hard as it may be to do so.  
This pain will have no control
over me, unless I give it thee.  
One day, the source of the pain
will be forgiven by me;
however, this pain will never
be truly forgotten, indeed.
But, instead, it will become
another lesson learned
along this journey called life.  


Vicki A. Zinn

March 8, 2013