There you go, again
******* your hand because you don't know how to love.

There you go, again
making poetry out of feelings you cannot bring yourself to understand.

There you go, again
getting upset over nothing, falling apart over everything,
getting upset over her heart.

Is the moon dead
or is she alive
or is she, said moon, really a man
and does he have hands
and does she have teeth
and do they wonder
as they look down
what kind of star I am
if I am even a star at all
perhaps I am a meteoroid
I seem to be small enough
or perhaps I am a comet
pale, cold, and *****
constantly shying away from the sun
leftover from the beginning of time
~ ~ ~
Dear Cascabelera,
I am writing to you because
I've grown lazy in my heart
less patient in my mind
and my eyes, wide and salty as the sea,
foam with fear of depths

As you stand there, brilliant and luminous in all your ways
I lay here faithfully underneath you
as I have for the past twenty-one years
there is no greater devotion than ours, I know

Yet as I lay here, still,
underneath your gloaming
with nothing to feel
and no one to hold
but my sadness
I cannot help but wonder
are you dead
are you alive
are you here by choice
have you any tears to cry?

Cascabelera,
I want to embrace you sweetly in the early morning
lunita, lunera
I want you to lay with me in the dark

It was in that night /
The night we lied in that vacant parking lot a few miles away from town
Just you and I, and the half-a-moon and glistening stars above us
Everything still, so still
Everything rapid, never-resting
Just you and I, arm length to arm length,
You and I, two straight lines in a crooked world

I wondered aloud:
What do stars think of us whenever they glance down?
And you replied, lovely and ever desolately:
They wonder what we think of them whenever we glance up

It was in that night /

I sought you
I knew you
You burnt through
The college-ruled lines of my delicate paper skin

I was so young then
I could have known better
I could have a lot of things
You could have been a boy

Do I miss you?
It could be
I’m too ******-up to process thoughts thoroughly
People fall in-love much too easily
The look in your eyes is all too promising

There was a place and time of
Beckoned curiosity, loss of dignity
Tainted sanity, your fingers inside of me

In and out, out and in
The pale of my limbs
Past the garden and villas of my soul
Through the thick of my skull
In and out, out and in
The beating of my lukewarm heart

There was a night when
We let love in
For the first time

From that moment on
We could never be the same
For your fault, I’d take the blame
You’d soon despise me all the same

The presence of your memory
Abandoned in my mind

It was in that night.

maybe I'm not sad
maybe I'm just bored
maybe I'm not bored
maybe I'm just tired

I think you may think I’m pretty
I also think that’s not enough
To make me want to know beyond your name
Or hold the different layers of warmth between your fingers

The walls stand against me tonight
There is feral love within the unseen of our dreams
Why do you croon so insolently, child?
The forces of gravity are in your favor, be keen

I want to taste your pain and insecurities
I want the exposure of your body to melt in my mouth
Cherry blossoms spring forth from desolate hymns
Autumn leaves spur foolishly among the skies

Press your throat against my earlobe
I want to hear you louder

I want to hear you clear
Your every sigh, a memory left for me to dwell on
Your every moan, an undoing, my ******’s suicide

These are the things that matter, the more you get the less you are
The higher you are, the more you fall
The more you fall apart

These are the words that hold my youth
These are the words that hold my heart

These are the words that will never be enough, no never be enough
To make you less you and make you more mine
Yet I hope for your life, I hope for you, I do

There are subliminal messages on my birthday cake
The candle lit itself on fire cause it did not know
No, it did not know how to feel about time

Glow in the darkness with me, monsieur
There are secret worlds in your mind
That you yourself are not aware of

Let the strum of vision put you to sleep

f-f-feel it, again and again
In your bones, on my bed

You've got to close your eyes to see me better
There are ghosts in the back of my head
They want to know
Don’t tell them why

Neither one
Neither one of us
Will make it down this hill alive

Gila, Gila, Gila
They will teach us everything
Except how to mourn, except how to die

Maybe I will change
Maybe things will change
Maybe you will change your mind

Madame, I meant it when I called you pretty
Madame, I meant it when I held your hand

Piano tuner vibrations at one-hundred-fifty decibels form inside my chest
Yet, it's not enough
No, it's never enough

To hurt the soft smoldering of my insides
With the conditioned paradise of your pain.

and turn me on instead
the night is not as young as they say
our bones are a thousand years old
/
make poetry
of me
while our flesh is still juvenile

we stayed up all night
drinking wine   listening to nirvana
until we both got so tired and fell to the floor
you took my hand and I closed my eyes while
you traced the outline of my lifeline with your tongue
I'd never felt so dead before, so careless and at ease
my lips met your lips like it was the first time
your lips met my ******* like it was the last
my hollow bones filled sweetly with your breathless moans
your fingertips vigorously stroke my delicate skin until our feverish bodies became one
and burnt a hole deep through the ground
all coherence lost in the shadow pits of darkness
our lust scattered lovely all the same
your hidden demons exposed through euphoric thrusts
my soft murmurs like whispered prayers in your ears

when I opened my eyes and saw into yours
I knew for a moment that heaven still exists

the seconds and hours of life have wistfully aligned and
it is your birthday
and although I wish most sincere it be happy
I myself cannot help but feel terribly, terribly sad
so I am sitting here fourteen minutes past midnight
eating fruit in silence at the tiny desk of my tiny room
trying to sort myself out, trying to snap myself out of it
I know death has no preference of age
the young and the old flee indistinctly alike
but it's been two years since I noted your first bald spot
and a few months ago while we were eating breakfast at the kitchen table,
a flashback of abuelito came to mind while I observed a faint milky layer visibly
taking form around the lens of your charcoal eye
and the other day you forgot to turn off the bathrooms light and it wasn't the first time
and last night you had the televisions volume past fifty all the while sleeping
and those favorite pair of jeans you've worn for years no longer fit you like they used to
and the skin under your chin and arms are starting to stretch
and I can't help but want to cry
because here I am at the tiny desk of my tiny room
while you are sleeping alongside mom two bedrooms away
and this is how it's always been since I was a child
and the days will go by until it is not
and I can't help but want to cry
because you have always been my hero
because up until college you were by my side for every single first day of school
because the first time I had my heart broken by a boy,
you held me in your arms until I felt better
because you know what condiments I do and don't like in my food
because you give me encouraging words without even realizing it
because you never call me stupid,
even when I do stupid things like accidentally locking your keys in your car
because you care enough to take away my internet connection when I'm *******-up
because you still tell me that I'm pretty even after all these years
because if it weren't for you, I don't know what would be of me
because my love for you is infinite,
but our flesh and bones are not


father, words can go farther than you and I both
and on this tenth of july, I leave such fate in poem
the seconds and hours of life have wistfully aligned and
it is your birthday
and although I wish most sincere it be happy
I myself cannot help but feel terribly, terribly sad
because sixty-five years ago today God gave just one like you
and this world so large, it will never have the feeling that I do

I feel as though I am drowning in a song with no sound
Faceless voices echo the anxiety reflected on my keyboard
The mirrored image in your midnight gaze is that of my own
After life, oh my god, what an awful word
You should have held my hand
You should have kissed my *******
You should have busted my lip raw and tender
Perhaps then would spill the poetry lost and forlorn inside of me
Inside of me, you want within?
Your ears pressed softly against my chest
My thighs pressed tight against your hips
Mezzo forte, pianissimo, fortissimo
....

*Do you want to step outside, or do you want it right ?
I don't know just what I feel, but I feel it all tonight .

I hate the way I allow myself to feel for you
I hate that I'd still feel this way even if I had a choice

i don't think I'll love you forever
forever could never be long enough

last I checked it was 3 06 AM
the foggy window displayed scene to a rainy night of a
small town near the city of Chicago
your dim apartment filled sweetly with vanilla lavender aroma and the
delicate croon of Billie Holiday transcended from the living-room phonograph
a blue tin coffee *** pictorially placed upon faint orange flames
overdue library books and half-written notepads stacked symmetrically
within the oven of La Cornue Albertine ivory stove
you sat me atop the wooden counter of your tiny marble kitchen and
gently tucked at my stockings until they gracefully
renounced to the tile patterned floor
with your hands placed on either side of my thighs
you gradually - - -
kissed me softly on my knees

I feel
Yes, I feel
That sometimes it is necessary to be cynical
There just comes that breaking point
Where you have to get out of your maddening mind
Face your own reflecting image in a mirror
And say those few words
Those few words that hold the truth
To your million faulting thoughts

"You're not as bad as you think you are, Gladys"

It makes me sad
How often you think about dying
When you are the reason
I look forward to being alive

I see you in places you've never been to
I feel you in places you've never touched