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I wish you could see me now
how much happier I've become
I wish you could see the time
Tony and I drunkenly fire extinguished
the whole third floor
or when I hiked Bishops
and smiled over the world
I wish you could see every day
as I experience flow in the work place
running to and fro
busy but enjoyment spread over my face
I wish you could see me working out
with Kyle and Brian
pushing eachother to our limits
I wish you could see all this
so you'd know
all the things you could
have lived
but instead
you
missed
Daniel Magner 2014
Blameworthy,
That's me.
Bound by judgment
And childhood nightmares.
Did I mention sleepless nights?
Even though my eating disorder has dissipated
I still forget to eat at times.

What's wrong, darling?
Who told you that
You're not good enough?
That no one wants you?
Who would lie to you and say that you aren't beautiful?

Look at yourself.
Attractive and thin
Friendly and loved
By everyone.
Have you looked at me recently
Or ever?

I am your antithesis.
Grotesque and bloated
Introverted and lonely.
I wish I could be like you
But I will not try to let that happen.
I need to somehow embrace
This unsightliness
This passiveness
How I let people walk all over me.
But do I accept it
Or do I change it?

In essence,
You are nearly sublime
And all I am
Is one mess of a life.
For Mo
 Feb 2014 Ariel Leann
Ashley
Some blades sting
as they slice through skin;
laced with backhanded
compliments, a withering glance,
and the steady hand of
an executioner, they aim
to demolish, stick by stick
of explosive hatred.

Some blades have poisoned tips,
dipped in a brew so wicked
that it lurks from vein to vein
and blacks you out, strikes you
from existence by hijacking your senses
and drowning them with intense,
heady emotions like loneliness, and fear,
and fiery anger.

Some blades are disguised as a handshake,
one that grips and cracks your bones into splinters,
shards of what once was dignity
and pride. A grip that convinces you
to admit that you are nothing, that you are
less than, that you are inferior.

And then there is the blade,
tipped like a pen,
upon which I ****** myself. This
blade, unlike the others,
is choice and stupidity and release.
It is a forfeit, a crushing defeat
that the writers succumb to. It is this
blade, ink pouring from our pumping aortas
to our gnarled, stained fingertips
that dance across a page, that charm
our own minds with the drowsy lullabies
and delusions of omnipotence so that
we can spill the deepest, blackest pits
of our shriveled peach hearts
and spit them out into the universe.
A million voices collide and create the void
where we all end, where we all begin, and
forge the path of self-destruction it takes
to fish out a handful of temperate words,
biblical verses, even historic epics
to release ourselves of our woes
and of every singular thought.

Some blades are caused by the average,
the ones who would not ****** a dagger
through their chest, not even
for the truth.
But our blade, the wicked fiend,
sweeps through every bone and ligament
until she reaps what is due;
the words you're reading,
my thoughts scattered out
for you.
Can I numb my body one last time?
You say you'll haunt me if
I overdose
I bleed out
I keep my food from digesting
I **** myself
Whether it is intentional or not.

Quitting cold turkey
Is a ***** and a half
But when you quit three things at once
When your life is still a living hell
You find yourself moody
And depressed
And angry.

How is it possible
That when I decide to stop cutting
Stop purging
Stop hurting my body
Stop denying myself
That I start to have those
Suicidal and foreboding thoughts
Enter my brain again?
Not that I'll act on them.

Obsessive thoughts
Lead to compulsive behaviors
I know this far too well.
The bleak practice of picking my skin
Will all but disappear from my routine.
But hey, at least it can't **** me.

Smoking some tobacco
As well as other assorted chemicals
Could send me to my grave.
It's a little bit of a longer flight, however.
And stress is a more direct route.
I guess you have to pick your battles.

People say they hate to be numbed
I guess that's why people abuse painkillers?
Sorry, I'm feeling distastefully sarcastic today.
But my point is
I don't mind it
Because take away the medicine
And you're forced to deal with whatever reality
Brought you to that point.
Might as well procrastinate while you can get away with it.
But it's a dangerous wire to dance on.
Say nothing but good of the dead
As they were once your friends,
Or enemies, it doesn't matter.
In death lies no dishonor.

Say nothing but good of the dead
As they were once fellow workers,
Or leaders, it doesn't matter.
In death lies no classes.

Say nothing but good of the dead
As they were once our slaves,
Or masters, it doesn't matter.
In death lies no races.

Say nothing but good of the dead
Because they were once living people,
People like you and me.
In death they are beloved.

De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bonum
De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bonum (Latin for "Say nothing but good of the dead.")
This house used to be alive
Laughter, love, family, hope, blissful ignorance of what'd come to be.
But now it's just me.
Alone.
The silence of this house is a shadowed memory of the love of a home.

The pills got what they wanted, and took pops away. My cat was older than me, and just left us one day.

I miss being asked what I wanted for dinner. I miss football in the street, with dad, or him pulling out my splinters.

What about running home from the bus stop to grandma's donuts? Or watching the fireworks on our blankets, I miss this **** so much.

Isn't there someone who wants me to feel alright?
Can't God just help me sleep all night?
Cant we just have one more snowball fight?
Couldn't dad watch me enlist? And teach me how to low crawl right?

Cause if I go to Afghanistan, I'd want him to see, everything I became, and send me letters overseas, saying how proud he is, and how much he loves me. And cry and hug me in the airport when he sees me in greens.


Cause that year would've felt like forever. But now it's been eight, and I know that we'll never.
 Feb 2014 Ariel Leann
Emilie Pece
Sometimes my wrists ache to be cut
My body begs me to give it the feelings it craves
I am not allowed to explore that part of myself
I am not allowed to scratch up my skin
My body is screaming now
I can not keep it at bay much longer
I can not control myself
I will slip up
I will bruise my own skull
It will be beautiful
I know she hurt you.
She took all your love and then she left. And now, here I am, ready to pick up the pieces. Even when the pieces of myself are still untouched, still sting by the one who hurt me. I know about the nights you cry yourself to sleep, tell me it’ll pass soon. I know how it hurts. Because I’ve been there. I’ve hurt like you have. I want to hold you in the most innocent, yet intimate way. And let my endless love seep through me and into you, to dry your tears, steal your sadness. I want you to smile at me the way you smiled at her. I want you to feel my love. I want you to know of my love. But how can I say what it is that I feel, when you are the thunder before the storm and I am the puddle after? When I am not worthy of your sunshine? How then, can you love the girl, who cannot truly trust her own love?
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