Home is a place that does not dissipate
a place where ones safe and in peace
where you feel you belong
yet my mind falters to derive feelings from mine
the solidarity and serenity in your families company is joyous
but lately i sporadically ever feel that way
the significance of my home is long gone
i feel i am alone
since i grew old i have come to realize that a woman has no home
she belongs nowhere
she is just another human being, a stranger to her family
who comes in their lives and leaves, hopelessly and coaxed with words of love
alienated and distant by her own
a woman is regarded as only a caretaker and nothing more!

Everyone has this darkness within them waiting to be revealed
a darkness that no one can ever imagine
it takes a considerable time to trigger that feeling
for those who are away from it are lucky
but for those who know, always suffer
it is infused from the day you come to this world
and with you it exterminates
pain is what causes it to errupt
it chains all your feelings and extracts your emotions
you eventually become oblivious to pain
all you know is how your life is in shackles
how slowly, piece by piece you die out
like the incandescent light of a candle
it flickers in the darkness
and illuminates until someone blows it away
that is exactly how the life within you is blown away
your soul lifeless and you all alone

If only i had a chance to relive my past;
i would
i have a reputation of feeling worthless and not knowing what it really means to be loved
or does it eventually happen when you taste the true essence of life?
if i had a chance to undo my scars and heal from what i have experienced
i would start by conquering my fear and standing up for who i am
i let people overrun me
i let liars and my enemies manipulate me
and where has it left me?
nowhere!
if only there was still a way to remove all my sorrow or my pain
i know i would exultantly leap forward and take the step of erasing the wrongs i have done
and then making each moment precious by believing in who i am
also, rather than being told what to do
for once doing things my own way
i wanna be who i am and not lurk behind.

No matter what I do, what i become
I will still never be enough for you
deep down i know what runs in your mind
your expectations from me and what you want me to be
you know that and you think i will never deceive
i know you raised me and showed me the world
but where you're wrong is the fact that you taught me lessons
where were you when i was a victim to bullying?
where were you when i was scarred a gazillion times?
where were you once i was a victim of abuse?
i cried and slit my body so many times
i attempted a suicide
i nearly killed myself, but you were never there
and now if you say that you know me well, then i guess you're yourself living in delusions
you know nothing about me regardless of your control over me
you lost me halfway through my childhood because you never understood me
i just wish you knew me, guess its too late now you lost me!

What is life to me?
It was merely a speck of happiness to me
It came along bundled with expectations and mysteries
But ended with deception and pain,
I anticipated the world to be harmonious
I visioned peace and honesty
I believed and saw the good in everybody
But then discovered pretense personalities and hearts filled with hatred,
I believed that God entrusted everyone with integrity
I never judged another on the basis of their faith or character
To me all this didn't matter
But today I push back my thoughts and falter to state that this world is clustered with liars and envious people who earnestly indulge in despair.

Things have started to bug me
Conversations that were once vague
Now becoming understandable
Painful days are yet to come my way
For once again my depression will take over my emotions
My already poignant heart burdened
Why can't i remain exultant as i was before these hurtful days?
I confabulate with my brain
Trying to assemble the broken pieces
And containing my spilt tears
As these tears will forever shed
It is, but my lack of self esteem
My feeling of being sequestered that i fear
I can't lose more of my faith nor my sanity
Or I'll wither away with those who have already departed
Because frankly, from within I'm no more.