up and down the east coast
in a cheap used Honda
sunshine, clear sky
fuzzy AM radio
windows down, cool breeze
no sense of direction
road signs and carelessness
take place of a gps
no contact with the rest of the world
empty highway
scenery all around
laughter
an adventure?
nothing matters but this moment anyhow
not the next minute
nor the next hour
nor tomorrow
we're not in New York anymore
"Are we there yet?"
there is no "there", yet
no pictures
only memories
make it last
Rest up sleepyhead
You'll need it

"god, i hate everyone. i cant stand being around people"
"same here, they repulse me. lets hang out some time"
seems...contradictory
why would i want to better know someone who hates people
when i hate people?
isnt that a recipe for disaster?
sure its a commonality but...

i still dont know what the allure is
i feel like an audience member
my voice drowned out by the crowd around
is it lonliness?
cant be.
when im around people i look for that.
but when im alone i search for company
not even sure what i want anymore
bouncing around from different states of mind
wants and needs constantly changing...
accepting that i can never have a normal relationship or interaction with other people
acceptance is much easier than fighting
the makings of an antisocial

in between awake and dream
is when my mind for the first time decides to go aflutter
wandering the endless plains of "what ifs"
reenactments
possible regrets
maybe?
nah, never that
on one hand
i want to sleep
yet my brain is awake
never stopping now, fifth gear
on the other hand i dont want to forget it
i could never live with that, after all
what if its the best idea i ever had?

Peaceful at last
it is already dark out
1AM in the diner, just me
Should I invite someone?
Nah, too much trouble.
Yourself is the best company anyway, you know
It's a fact
Sure, it might be "odd" sitting eating by yourself
In the diner, at this time of morning
What do we need company for anyway?
Other people, what purpose do they serve?
I could just write a letter to myself
Bury it under the sand, dig it up in a year
I might be a totally different person by then anyway
Who knows?
It may be the craziest thing I've ever done
Considering all the spontaneity is drained out of me
All those risks never taken
The vacations never cashed in
Those girls who were never asked out
This early morning waffle with milkshake
May as well be the craziest **** thing I've done my whole life
And it may be one of the best meals I've ever had

Sleeplessness
Brought to you by sparkling espresso in a can
I have underestimated you yet again, oh humble coffee bean
But back to work
Eight tabs open, going back and forth
It's nothing short of a miracle if any given task is given more than a minute of attention at a time
Muscle spasms, trembling, fascinating
Overwhelming urge to mindlessly flex the muscles I don't have
Fake machissimo brought about by exhauation?
Or the exhileration of having to complete 8 projects in a day
While simultaneously trying to grasp a breaking down of my mind which hasn't happened since...forever
Hmm
These are the prime conditions to breed a taxing marathon of productivity
Or a chain of costly impulsive decisions to perpetuate procrastination.
Signs that someone is going crazy range from ****** to inability to stick to a single topic to excessive use of run on sentences
"How meta, acknowledging your insanity deconstructs the very notion of it if you normalize it within yourself and just look as everyone else as crazy! Ha.ha."
That made no sense, i don't think.
I like using big words to make myself sound smart you can make anyone believe anything if you use big words also it scares those
Hippopotomonstroesquipedaliophobixlcs
Grumble grumble
Good night/morning/whatever

What makes something special?
Is it the feeling itself, or exclusivity, or something more?
Is it like those moments that are so nice yet so fleeting, that constant reminders of them make life seem dull by.comparison?
Is it how you can make someone who is normally motivated solely by anger feel like a more complete person?
Is it that I feel like I actually make a positive change in someone's life, even though the very idea of changing someone seemed wrong?
I'm not sure.
I'm probably wrong
But a man can dream.

It's always easier to admire something from afar
A picture of the jungle
A large bonfire
You see a small part of the picture without feeling it
The bugs biting into your skin, the moisture in the air clinging to you
The intense heat and the smell of burned matter
These experiences are what you miss when you decide to admire instead of stepping forward into it
The mystery, the suspense of what might happen kills you, you tell yourself
Yet even when you step in, you must step through the actions
There is no guarantee and there never was one