why do we try so hard to please
we always turn the corner
& no one is trying to please us

why do we hope so much
we always wake up
& no dream ever greets us

why do we always say I love you
we always long to hear it
& we never do

we always give, we always hope, we always long, we always speak
but that's just it- we never receive

I worry that every little thing I do,
disappoints you,

& I worry that the things I say,
embarrasses you.

I worry that the feelings I push away,
frustrates you.


& I realize.. i always worry,
and it always leads back to you.

But I don't ever worry for you
because I know you're not coming back,
I know you're okay.

you close the shades
and fail to speak

you let the shadows dance around you
but you never join in

you read the words of others
and never let your own flow

you will always make me smile
but you never lets yours' show

i think you've given up-

somewhere along the way
you decided- being alone is okay


and now I don't know how to get back in

I'm terrified,
maybe you don't want me in... ever again?

one more step
two more breaths
three more praises
that's all it would take
then she'd really be free

but then he stood in front of her
that smirk already crossing his lips


even though she wanted freedom
his pull was strong
stronger than she could ever be

yet...he was letting her decide
she could still choose herself

but,
five steps backwards
four shaky breaths
three denial thoughts
that's all it took
for her to let him control her once again

July 29th 2001
I remember the sun was in an out
the same way people entered the house,
constantly, in an out,
next thing I remember is us getting our picture taken
standing beside each other,
respectively three and five.

Maybe at that point we didn't understand what was going on around us,
but I think in our own way,
we understood that things were changing,
that what we were used to,
would never be the same.

Now its July 29 2018
17 years has past,
we abandoned taking our picture together,
for whatever the reason, whether it's because we're older,
or more busier,
it doesn't matter.
Picture or no picture,
we both have adapted.
We don't have to stand next to one another,
to realize we're there for each other.

I thought writing everything on paper
maybe then, it could all make sense
But, the longer the sentences became- the more jumbled
my thoughts were.
I tried to trace one thought to the next, but all I got were scribbles.
How could I figure out what I wanted,
when I couldn't understand what I was thinking?

It seemed like it should be simple,
like learning to tie your shoes.
First, it seems an impossible task
But, before you know it, your hands tie the shoes
And you don't spare one thought about it.

It wasn't what it seemed though,
my thoughts were inchoherent
and every solution I had was a dead end.

I found myself alone
with no one to turn to-
I was deserted on a street that no one knew of.

So what do you do when you're all alone,
and a map of survival does not exist?
Do you keep thinking until a solution arises?
Or, do you pick up your feet, stand tall, and head in a direction you feel could be the way?

A chill swept through the air-
throwing the leaves from their branches,
twirling the blades of grass,
hiding the sun from sight.

After it's retreat
a calm settled everywhere-
a silence touched the soil,
a whisper spread through the trees,
the sun shining so bright.

Nestled, low to the ground
the rabbits,
ears stretching to the sky,
peered around- only in curious wonder.