dear daddy,
you were there throughout my
childhood, but when i
say that i mean it physically, of
course. you weren't really
there emotionally.

dear daddy,
as i grew up i watched you
fight with my mom,
i sat through the cold dinners
and at ten i watched my mum
slam a calculator on the table
before walking out the door.

dear daddy,
i was sixteen when you kicked my
brother out of the house. he was
only fourteen, daddy,
he couldn't look after himself.
it was your ****** pride, that's
what it was.
yours and his.

dear daddy,
at seventeen we barely spoke,
i remember the bitterness
i held in my heart;
you couldn't even get a proper job,
couldn't even look after this family,
made mom do all the work.
my brother didn't live with us,
he was at an aunt's house, far away from
the fire we knew would start if you
both were in the same room.

dear daddy,
twenty crept up on me like a ghost
and i saw the lines in your face
age catching up with you as
you began to forget,
where your keys were,
whether you brought your phone back from
the car, what time dinner was.

dear daddy,
twenty-one now, and i still
don't know how to feel about you.
you tried your best, i suppose,
and i love you with a sort of grudging
nonchalance, because who am
i to tell you that you need to change?

dear daddy,*
i'm conflicted. i love you because
i know i should, because i
admit you're human too. you tried
your best, i know you did
and i wish i could change my mind
but i hope you'll forgive me
for seeing a stranger when i look at you.

sit in class
watch the clock tick
as the moments pass me by
all i want to do is disappear
into a void where i no longer have to feel

sit at home
watch the closed door
as the shouts echo just outside
all i want to do is disappear
into a void where i no longer have to feel

sit in hell
watch the flames burn
as my sanity hangs on a thin thread
all i want to do is disappear
into a void where i no longer have to feel

sit in life
watch everything go wrong
as my fingers reach out for the blade
all i want to do is disappear
into a void where i no longer have to feel

all i want to do is disappear
is that too much to ask?

beep
"hey, how're you doing?
i-
****, nevermind."

beep
"god, i miss you so much.
i miss your voice,
your touch,
everything about you.
but i guess you don't miss me."

beep
"hey, how've you been? it
started snowing today.
reminded me of you. please
call me back."

beep
"i know you don't want to
talk, but please, please
just let me tell you how much
i miss you."

beep
"do you listen to all my voicemails?
you never pick up the
phone anymore. i guess
you just don't want to
talk to me."

beep
"i must have sent you twenty
voicemails by now. i'm sorry,
but i'm trying to come to terms
with the fact that you're gone."

beep
"this is the last one.
i'm sorry for bothering you,
i just wanted to tell you, to

remember me."

beep

There’s something funny
about a loved one’s death
it’s like climbing up a flight of stairs
and thinking there’s one more stair than there is
so you put your foot down
and it passes through the air and hits the ground
it’s a shock,
your heart beats really fast
and then nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

I remember your face
your smile
your laugh
I remember the times
When, as a kid,
I giggled in glee
and flew paper aeroplanes around
on your lap
I remember your hand
how it fit into mine
like it was meant to be
how you told me
everything’s gonna be alright

and now I remember
the huge gaping hole in my chest
where my heart used to be.

I remember staring at your face
And thinking,
“this isn’t you”
I remember how they dressed you up
and laid you there
and I struggled with the realization
that someone, something in my life
would never come back

it was like I watched you
walk into the ocean
deeper and deeper
until the waters covered your head
I was screaming, crying
Begging you to come back
For me
But you didn’t hear a word I said

Yeye, Mama, YiDioh,

I sing what I cannot speak
I write what I cannot say
My heart beats for you
I will never give up

Everything you taught me
How to be brave
How to be strong,
When I’m afraid
How to press on
How to hold on
How to keep the light in my eyes alive

I love you,
You had a great ride,
And I will never forget you.

it hits you mid-shower,
as you're half trying to keep soap-suds
out of your eye and half attempting to figure out
if you've got split ends yet -

one minute you're thinking of nothing at all
and the next you suddenly realize,
you love him.
you like him? you love him? the word ceases to matter.

oh god, you love him.

you love him for how the corners of his eyes
crinkle up when he laughs,
for how he cares if you're home safe,
for how the first thing on his bucket list
is for his grandmother to hold his first child.

for how you could sit with him for hours with
nothing but your shoulders touching,
and be complete in the warmth he exudes
in comfortable silence.

for how he talks and how he walks,
for how he looks at you,
for how his eyes seem to have endless depth.

and the funny thing is that you know you've lost the game
but you don't care that you've lost, you don't care
if he loves you back or if he doesn't because
in that moment you have remembered
what it is to love a person not for what they look like
or for what they sound like but for who they are

and the knowledge that after two whole years of bitterness
and hiding away in your shell
you have discovered what it is to love again
and nothing else matters in that moment because
for what it counts you have found yourself again
in loving someone and you realize that

your heart has so much left to give; who you
choose to give it to does not matter as much
as the knowledge that you are capable of loving,
the kind of love that does not fear hurt or pain
but embraces it as part of the essence of love.

it's been so long since
we sat on top of that hill
that warm California night
and looked down
on all those little lights of the city.

we lay on the grass, your
head next to mine,
my dark hair spread out behind me
and our soft breathing in
unison with the beat of our hearts.

you kissed my cheek,
and in the silence after you pulled away
i threaded my fingers through yours
and i knew then, i knew,
i could never love anyone else.

i saw the tender sadness in your eyes,
as you tucked a flyaway piece
of my hair behind my ear,
and i squeezed my eyes shut,
bracing myself for what i knew would come.

when i opened them again
i was gazing up at the stars,
and when i turned to look at you
you were gone.

they say there's a reason for
every beautiful heartache,
and that night i wished upon the stars
that you'd never have to leave.

but you made your choice;
and now you live among the stars.

you tell me about her and
how she broke your heart and
how you're so empty now that she's gone.

all i do is say how sorry i am
that life messes up the best of us
and tell you to keep hanging on.

but what else can i say
when all i want to do is run to you
and tell you how much i love you?

what else can i say
when inside i bleed for you
and what we can never have?

what else can i say
when you tell me you can't picture
life with anyone else?

what else can i say
but tell you i'm so sorry
and mean it with all my heart.

what else can i say?

she's tearing you apart and
you're tearing me apart and
i know i'm tearing him apart too.

sometimes i sit and wonder why
love is so
cruelly blind.

but am i really drunk? or
have i just been drinking
water from my alcohol bottles,
pretending to feel the burn as it slides
down my throat?

or have my cigarettes been not
lighted all this while, just me *******
away at tasteless white sticks of tobacco,
staring at my ceiling and wishing i was dead?

i'm so predictable, it's starting
to hurt,

because instead of dreams, i'm counting nightmares.

instead of lovers, i'm counting bones.

instead of life, i'm living hell.

take me to a place
where i can see You
face to face;

because all i want to do
is slip away
into the darkness i've been
trying so hard to fight.

this life we live-
it's crazy, isn't it?
funny how the words choke me up
but when it comes down to this:
i have nothing to say
that hasn't been said already.

so what distinguishes me from
the cacophony of voices in my soul?
what makes me different from
the inky blackness in which i
try to hide?

every day is like a battle
but every night just passes like a dream
this life we live,
it's not for everyone but

we love it.

the sink is stacked full
of week-old dishes
that i haven't found the energy
to wash-
the dishwasher's spoilt and
i haven't had time to call someone to repair it.
or maybe i'm just procrastinating.

the laundry-basket is overflowing
with clothes,
i've been too busy working to put them to wash.
or maybe i'm just procrastinating.

this is what you talked about.
taking the last clean shirt out of the closet,
swearing because i realize my laziness has caught up with me,
eating chinese takeout almost every night
because i love the chicken chow mien,
not caring that i'll soon get sick of it.

it's what you called "that searching",
wanting more and more and even more.
we want the cold days to end and the warm ones to come,
we want back the people we used to love.
we want to see spring again,
for the cycles of life to repeat themselves.
we're never satisfied.
this yearning, this feeling-
what you finally gave up.

i see it in the mirror every morning,
think about it when i spill the coffee because i'm hungover
from last-night's emotional breakdown.
i catch a whiff of it when i let the dog out,
when i'm buying a CD from the corner video store,
when i catch a glimpse of myself
in the car window.

and i am filled
with the knowledge that
i am alive;

for this, this is
what the living do+.
what you finally decided
was too much for you to take.

but that's okay.
lock the door behind you now,
and drive safe.

like a pencil;
2B.
sharpened;
                    once;
                              long, long ago.

but someone broke you;
pressed too hard perhaps.
dropped you perhaps.
and you lost that point;
the point on which you live.

it's okay.
i'm the same.
we're all the same.

little pieces;
shavings of broken lead;
trying to pull ourselves back
together
again.

but pencil lead is graphite.
it isn't magnetic.
is there even anything left to pull?

if one day
i fall
don't catch me
if one day
i run
don't chase me
if one day
i drown
don't save me.

i made a choice.

my life
is mine to live
my life
is mine to end.

seventeen,
found a home in a tiny wine cellar
off the coast of malibu
drank and drank till i could drink no more,
yet it couldn't fill the hollow inside.

eighteen,
took a one-way ticket out of malibu;
flew through the clouds till i
reached this little hole in denver;
made a home, lost a house.

nineteen,
took a one-way ticket out of you
blessed my long dark hair,
smelt the apple blossoms in your chest
kissed you goodbye and never came back.

twenty, twenty,*
what's there left for me to do?
found a home in a little wine cellar
in a big city
killed myself with alcohol

but forgot about the me i left behind.

my luck seems
to have run out.

it's been chasing me for
too long now.

the night glows.
tonight i'm sitting outside,
in some dark alley-
i don't exactly know where.

i hope someone doesn't think
i am something else.

but i needed the quiet.
i've got a gun,
to protect myself,
but i don't think i'll use it.

i'm too tired.
whatever happens, will happen.

it's been two hours,
nothing has approached me.
i think i'm safe.

but with my sort of luck,
you'll never know.

safe from the outside, maybe.
but safe from the inside?
never.

you've been taking pieces of me away,
one by one, slowly.
you thought i would not notice.

i did.

you took my breath away,
when we first met,
you with your brilliant grin,
you with your expressive eyes
and you with your love for life.

you took my heart away,
when you left,
you with your short clipped tones,
you with your emotionless eyes,
and your with your cold shoulder.

and now you leave me here,
with a hollow emptiness
where my heart used to be.

but perhaps there is nothing
you can leave behind,

for what's a body without a heart?

i hope one day
someone stitches you back together
i hope one day
you see the beauty of life
i hope one day
you understand how precious you are

you're my best friend
and i know you will see this
and i want you to promise me
that no matter what happens you will keep hanging on
because i love you
for all that you are
and i don't mean the love of a lover
but rather
phileo love
one that is warm and tender and platonic
one that makes me cry when i see you hurt
one that makes me willing to stay up
till 4am to persuade you not to **** yourself

because you mean a lot to me
and i hope one day
you learn to mean a lot to yourself too.
i know what you feel.
believe me, i, more than anyone else, would know.
how often have i felt the same?
how often have i seen my own scars?
how often have i wanted to put an end to my own life?
i know you. better than i know myself.

to take your life is a brave thing to do.
but is it not braver to stay and fight?
i want to stay.
i want to fight my demons off one by one.
and you, my fellow wanderer,
won't you fight with me?
won't you live for living's sake?

i've never met you before,
never seen your face,
except in those pictures and videos they show on television.
never heard your laugh, never seen you smile in person.

yet somehow i feel that i know you.

and it breaks my heart
to think that you will never
be thirteen,
never go to a new school,
never meet new friends,
never be in a new environment with new people.

you will never feel the joy of becoming a teenager,
never get your PSLE results,
never again pull your favorite shirt out of the closet to wear,
never laugh and smile with new friends.

you were-are, twelve.
too young.
too soon to go.
you were a spark in the dark
that has been extinguished too early;
the night is still young.

and i will miss you,
because you represented childish joy to me,
something the world will miss dearly.

go in peace, and may you find happiness wherever you are.

a night sky,
dark clouds,
and a million small stars

scattered,
almost as if God himself
decided to weep tiny diamonds
for us.

we should be so much more than this.

"oh, my lover,
let's start over,
will we ever say we're sorry?
it's not going to get better
if we never say we're sorry."

i'm caught in the passing,
a dream and reality
crossing paths.
where do i turn?
which way do i go?
i look up at the stars,
as though they could answer me,

but all the constellations;
they spell your name.

i've lost you,
haven't i?

it's just hit me,
and suddenly i'm numb with the
realization that things will never
be the same.

or maybe it's you who's lost me.
because how could i lose something;
someone i never had?

i couldn't.

it's getting harder to breathe.
i'm lost in a tidal wave of silence,
as oppressive as your words
can be some days

when they cut deep into my soul.
i'm out on the edge and i'm screaming my own
name as though it could teach
me something new about my horror at

seeing my tears in the mirror.
but all that comes back is my echo;
the darkness of a wasted youth;
too many bottles of alcohol and too

many late nights where i sleep at daybreak.
it's nonsensical, everything and nothing, all
at once.

and then i ask myself,
"am i alive? what is the
essence of my being?"

and no one replies.

i sit down,
lean back against the wall,
blow a stream of smoke out of my mouth,
and declare,
"**** life, **** people, i'm going to do this on my own".

then you walk by

and once again i find myself lost
in a sea of emotions
struggling to find the nearest life buoy
fighting against the waves
that threaten to consume me.

because the truth is,
no matter how many cigarettes i smoke
no matter how many floors i sit on
no matter how many walls i lean against
the only lifeline i need

is you.

my life consists
of running through dark alleys
away from shadows that pursue me.

i am the reckless
i am the broken
i am the wild sobs at daybreak
i am the silence at twilight.

i am a washed-up, beat-up soul
chasing visions of a wasted youth
down dark alleys;
fleeing my demons.

i think
at the end of the day
when the shadows are lengthening
and a cold wind is blowing
it all comes down to this:

i am completely alone.

there's no sound except my echo,
not a soul besides my shadow.

i am alone.

and as trying as it may be
it also tells me that i am strong.

i am a wanderer,
i walk life's roads alone,
i depend on no one but myself,
what good can empty promises do for me,
anyway?

i am a wanderer,
i walk life's roads alone.
and neither man nor spirit
can ever again hit me so hard
that i fall to my knees.

i am a wanderer,
i walk life's roads alone,
and i am proud of how far i've come
and how much i've learnt
in the bitter years gone by.

i am a wanderer,
i walk life's roads alone
and i will stand strong
against the beating of the wind and the rain.

dear dan,
i do not know everything in life,
neither do i claim to.
i do not have the answer to everything,
neither do i pretend to.
but life has taught me a lot of things.
it taught me that it's always going to be hard,
it's always going to be an uphill battle,
life is never going to be on your side.
i don't know a lot of things,
but i do know this.
for every moment that i am living,
breathing,
being,
i am grateful.
i am grateful that i was given a life,
no matter how difficult it may be.
there are people
in this world
who wish for half the things we have.
now i'm not saying it's easy,
because let's face it, it's never going to be.
what i am saying,
is that you have the power to change your life.
rain or shine, it's all in your hands.

dear dan,
it's never going to be easy;
it's always going to be hard.
but please,
please,
for heaven's sake
this is my plea:
please don't give up on me now.

when i was nine,
you punched the guy who
stole my teddy bear. that's how
we first met. i shared my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich with
you at lunch, because it was the
only way i knew how to say thanks.

when i was thirteen,
your family used to come over
to our house, and we'd have
dinner together. my parents,
your parents; my brother, your
sister. you and me.

when i was fourteen,
i dated a boy three years older
than we were. you were always
worried that something would happen,
you didn't trust him. i never knew
it was because you loved me.
you were right.

when i was fifteen,
my boyfriend hit me. he punched me
because he thought i was flirting
with a friend. he drove me, unconscious,
to a hospital, but we crashed into
another car. he was drunk. your
parents and mine were in that car.
your dad died, and so did both my parents.
i never knew so much pain.

when i was seventeen,
we dated for a while, but then
you went away. you never called,
never answered my calls. it was like you
disappeared from the face of the earth.
i lost my best friend, i lost the boy i loved.

when i was twenty-one,
i met you at a masquerade party
thrown by one of our friends. you didn't
recognize me. i found out you were
in a car accident, and you'd lost your memory.
we started again, from the beginning.

when i was twenty-two,
we fell in love all over again.
you started to remember little things
from the past, but to me you were always
the same parker i had always known.
the same parker i fell in love with.

when i was twenty-three,*
you asked me to marry you.
i said yes. but people are people,
and sometimes we change our minds.
i remember crying, pressing the ring
into your palm, telling you i couldn't do this.

when i was twenty-four,
our best friends got married. i met
you at the wedding, and we decided to
give it another shot. it worked, and we
finally, finally tied the knot.

when i was twenty-five,
we had our first child. he was a handful.
you were a doctor, i was a lawyer.
both busy, both new to this life.
we had our first fight at 2.33am,
and i ran out of the house. you followed me,
and told me i'd never be alone. i believed you.

now, i'm twenty-seven.
we had another child, a beautiful girl.
but you're never home. your
job keeps you out till late at night,
and i never know where you are.
i saw you at the grocery store, with
another woman. i was upset, i accused
you without even knowing what was
going on. i was wrong. i told you
i wanted a divorce. the look on your face
made my heart break.

i regret it. i regret everything.
but if i could go back in time
and meet you again, knowing
i would end up losing you, i would
still choose to love you, because
loving you was worth losing you.
we were always parkerandlissa,
neither complete without the other.

i'm so so sorry,
and i will miss you.

and i think
if i could turn back time now,
knowing i would fall in love with you
and then lose you,
i would still choose
to turn back time
and fall in love with you
all over again

because loving you
was worth losing you.

what is this feeling?
a sudden ache in my chest,
a sudden feeling of displacement, of loss
i close my eyes,
try to imagine the feeling away,
but it persists,
a hollowness that will never subside.

what is this feeling?
my eyebrows knit together,
the corners of my mouth turn down.
i stare blankly into the distance,
my only thoughts dark and lonely,
my only words sparse and muted.

what is this loneliness?
this trembling of my lips
this ache in my heart
this crying of my soul.

i saw fireworks yesterday
and they reminded me of you
of how once you sent me a picture of you
sitting on the ground watching a sky
lit up in red and white and blue
and how you wished i was there with you.

and even though i'm the one
who told you we're not meant to be
there's a part of me that still misses you.

and even though i'm the one
who said "that's enough"
there's a part of me that still wants you.

today i rode my penny down the sidewalk
and it reminded me of you
how you once sent me a video of you
skating down a hallway at 11p.m.
and you wished i was there with you.

and even though i'm the one
who told you we're not meant to be
there's a part of me that still misses you.

and even though i'm the one
who said "that's enough"
there's a part of me that still wants you.

and i know
time will erase me from your mind but

even though we're not meant to be
even though that's enough
there's a part of me that still misses you
and there's a part of me that still wants you

but that part is growing smaller every day
and we're not meant to be
and that's enough now.

yes, you.
you with your stupid big brown eyes
that see everything, even though
you're sensitive enough not to say a word.

you with your stupid hair
that i never thought i'd be writing about
because i always tell you how unattractive it is.
i guess my heart decided to run to you just the same.

you with your constant concern,
your ability to see right through me,
even when my walls are built so high
that no one else bothers to try
you're still there chipping away at it,
gently trying to get me to open up.

you told me once that you fall for character,
not for looks. that was before all this.
before you and i started long talks,
before i started to feel i could talk to you about anything,
before, before, before.
when i was still guarded, when i could still breathe.

but i know this won't change anything.
despite my sudden realization that
perhaps, just perhaps, you wormed your way
into my heart after all, i know you're
not going to stay. why would you?

my heart belongs to you,
but your heart belongs to her.

i think i love you, i can't be sure.
but if i didn't my heart wouldn't hurt this much,
so i guess i do after all.

it was your stupid pretty brown eyes,
that's what it was.

what are birthdays?*
"a day to celebrate your being alive"
"a day to celebrate your birth"

but i am tired of living.
tomorrow is my birthday but
i don't feel like there's anything to celebrate.

when i play your song
my skin breaks
and my blood runs out

metal strings,
with rust-colored stains
the guitar that is my heart

and for every quavering note,
for every hollow echo
for every tear that mixes with my blood

i am alive.

i've been spending the past
two nights
away from home.
it's hard to explain why i did;
you'd have found me sitting
on the beach at two
a.m. ; two bottles of jack beside
my lonely bones.

i think i was back again,
searching for something
i lost long ago.
i think it left the same time you did.
i've been smoking too much too,
wisps of gray plumes
fleeing those smooth white marlboros.

i swear too much.
i cut myself on a bottle cap
and threw it out into the sea.

i'm a wanderer.
i can see why you left.
but the smoke and the alcohol,
they're my substitutes for you.
i drink so much that
i don't even get drunk anymore.

it's just me
and a ghost of a soul
where you used to be.

there's a void in my soul
something i pretend to have lost
when it seems i never had it
to start with.

it's long lost kisses
and pretty things,
dark clouds and weeping willows,
giving up
and holding on
whispering branches in winter
and the wailing of the ocean in summer.

and if i reach deep enough into myself
i know that it is love
something lost, nothing gained.
but that doesn't matter, really
when you're a washed up, beat up soul
with nothing left
but a sandpiper to bring you joy.

no love,
but that's not a bad thing.

dear dan
you gave up.
i don't know if words can bring you back.
probably not.
i don't even know if you're really gone.
i miss you.
i'm sorry i couldn't stop you
i'm sorry i couldn't save you
i'm sorry i couldn't show you
how much you mean to us.

i can't bring you back.
it's like you stood on the edge and
my rope just wasn't long enough.

i'm so so sorry.
and i won't forget you.

i loved you before i met you.

i spent my whole life
weaving fantasies for myself,
pulling different threads from different people
spinning them into a dream.

and then i met you,
someone who was everything
but nothing all at once;
and in loving you i lost myself.

but hurricanes are named
after people, darling;
and you were the one storm
i could not weather.

anorexia
is not just a disease
it is a monster
eating away at your soul
until you become nothing but skin and bones.

depression
is not just a mood swing
it is a demon
******* away your happiness
until you become nothing but a shell of who you used to be.

these are serious problems.
do not be too naive
or monsters and demons
will steal the people you love.

i'm out on the highest peak
screaming your name
like the fool that i am

but all that's here is my shadow,
my echo

can you hear me?

just like the walking cliche that i am
i place my hand on the glass
wishing you were on the other side
to put your hand against where mine is

but life isn't like that.
life fogs up the glass,
maybe even breaks it
and cuts you with the shards
on bad days.

home alone,
i sit down on the kitchen floor,
cradling my heart in my hands.

i see your face in my mind,
and my heart shatters in my palms,
a few pieces cutting my fingers.

two-thirds of a bottle of jack later
i don't feel the pain anymore.
everything's hazy, everything's blur.

then your face floats up
out of my sub-conscious drunkenness
and my stupid heart starts to hurt again.

i finish the bottle in five quick swigs.
there's a burn in my chest,
but somehow it doesn't hurt as bad

as the wounds you left in your wake.
i fall asleep, cheek against
the cold tiled kitchen floor,

and stumble back into consciousness
the next morning, swearing and groaning,
but with the daylight comes

the clarity of the memories
i've been trying so hard to push away.