it's been so long since
we sat on top of that hill
that warm California night
and looked down
on all those little lights of the city.

we lay on the grass, your
head next to mine,
my dark hair spread out behind me
and our soft breathing in
unison with the beat of our hearts.

you kissed my cheek,
and in the silence after you pulled away
i threaded my fingers through yours
and i knew then, i knew,
i could never love anyone else.

i saw the tender sadness in your eyes,
as you tucked a flyaway piece
of my hair behind my ear,
and i squeezed my eyes shut,
bracing myself for what i knew would come.

when i opened them again
i was gazing up at the stars,
and when i turned to look at you
you were gone.

they say there's a reason for
every beautiful heartache,
and that night i wished upon the stars
that you'd never have to leave.

but you made your choice;
and now you live among the stars.

dear daddy,
you were there throughout my
childhood, but when i
say that i mean it physically, of
course. you weren't really
there emotionally.

dear daddy,
as i grew up i watched you
fight with my mom,
i sat through the cold dinners
and at ten i watched my mum
slam a calculator on the table
before walking out the door.

dear daddy,
i was sixteen when you kicked my
brother out of the house. he was
only fourteen, daddy,
he couldn't look after himself.
it was your ****** pride, that's
what it was.
yours and his.

dear daddy,
at seventeen we barely spoke,
i remember the bitterness
i held in my heart;
you couldn't even get a proper job,
couldn't even look after this family,
made mom do all the work.
my brother didn't live with us,
he was at an aunt's house, far away from
the fire we knew would start if you
both were in the same room.

dear daddy,
twenty crept up on me like a ghost
and i saw the lines in your face
age catching up with you as
you began to forget,
where your keys were,
whether you brought your phone back from
the car, what time dinner was.

dear daddy,
twenty-one now, and i still
don't know how to feel about you.
you tried your best, i suppose,
and i love you with a sort of grudging
nonchalance, because who am
i to tell you that you need to change?

dear daddy,*
i'm conflicted. i love you because
i know i should, because i
admit you're human too. you tried
your best, i know you did
and i wish i could change my mind
but i hope you'll forgive me
for seeing a stranger when i look at you.

it's funny how things changed;
how we went from best friends
to strangers,
how we went from promising
we'd always be there for each other
to apologizing for the inevitable goodbye.

and i think now,
that "sorry" i blurted
was never enough,
for a last text

your pushing your last gift into my hands
and me avoiding your eyes,
whispering "thanks"
was never enough
for a last encounter

and i wish with all my heart it didn't have to be like this.
i wish i could look at you when i pass you
at the bus stop, in the corridors,
and smile, even if i didn't have anything to say;
i wish i could murmur a greeting to you
instead of saying hello to your girlfriend,
looking through you as though there was
nothing beside her but air

but i know there is no going back.
we made our choices,
(or did they make
us?)
and we'll stay strangers
until we leave this place.

a lot of times, it's the little things
things that **** me off,
things that make me smile,
things that make me for a
second
forget who i am.

because what difference
does it make,
whether i laugh or cry
or punch a wall with
my fist?

as long as you get what
you want;
an emotional response,
you'll be satisfied.

and in that way, the little things
don't really matter at all,
because why should we care
why we laugh, or why we cry?
(or even why
we punch a wall?)
for as long as we know
we have not lost the ability
to feel,
to be,
to exist,

we are living.
and that is the most important of all.

there's a void in my soul
something i pretend to have lost
when it seems i never had it
to start with.

it's long lost kisses
and pretty things,
dark clouds and weeping willows,
giving up
and holding on
whispering branches in winter
and the wailing of the ocean in summer.

and if i reach deep enough into myself
i know that it is love
something lost, nothing gained.
but that doesn't matter, really
when you're a washed up, beat up soul
with nothing left
but a sandpiper to bring you joy.

no love,
but that's not a bad thing.

this life we live-
it's crazy, isn't it?
funny how the words choke me up
but when it comes down to this:
i have nothing to say
that hasn't been said already.

so what distinguishes me from
the cacophony of voices in my soul?
what makes me different from
the inky blackness in which i
try to hide?

every day is like a battle
but every night just passes like a dream
this life we live,
it's not for everyone but

we love it.

the sink is stacked full
of week-old dishes
that i haven't found the energy
to wash-
the dishwasher's spoilt and
i haven't had time to call someone to repair it.
or maybe i'm just procrastinating.

the laundry-basket is overflowing
with clothes,
i've been too busy working to put them to wash.
or maybe i'm just procrastinating.

this is what you talked about.
taking the last clean shirt out of the closet,
swearing because i realize my laziness has caught up with me,
eating chinese takeout almost every night
because i love the chicken chow mien,
not caring that i'll soon get sick of it.

it's what you called "that searching",
wanting more and more and even more.
we want the cold days to end and the warm ones to come,
we want back the people we used to love.
we want to see spring again,
for the cycles of life to repeat themselves.
we're never satisfied.
this yearning, this feeling-
what you finally gave up.

i see it in the mirror every morning,
think about it when i spill the coffee because i'm hungover
from last-night's emotional breakdown.
i catch a whiff of it when i let the dog out,
when i'm buying a CD from the corner video store,
when i catch a glimpse of myself
in the car window.

and i am filled
with the knowledge that
i am alive;

for this, this is
what the living do+.
what you finally decided
was too much for you to take.

but that's okay.
lock the door behind you now,
and drive safe.