dusk - Hello Poetry

dusk Oct 2016

i

we leave
the people we thought we knew
for those we don't.

we wish
for the things we think we want
not for those we have to stay.

we can't believe
the people we love
sometimes don't love us back.

but all we are
is a speck of dust
within a galaxy that sometimes
does not care that we exist.

are we hoping for too much?

perhaps.

but this i know:
i will never stop hoping
because it gives me the essence
of my being.

the disappointments;
the excitement;
those days where everything seems
bright as the sun;
those days where everything seems
dark as a starless, moonless night,
they make me who i am.

and this,
is who i am.
another wanderer, looking
for a little space
to tuck her soul away;
to hide it among the stars.

dusk Oct 2016

for so long

we dream
for so long;
stand on the beach
and feel the salty air
caress our lips;
like lovers we once
knew, long ago.

we fight
for so long;
lie awake at 3
a.m. staring at the
ceiling fan making
its rounds, bidding goodbye
to a life we thought we knew.

we whisper
for so long;
words half-formed in
our throats, dying
as soon as we open our mouths,
too afraid to scream
because we know it's no use.

for as long as i know you;
you will give me something
to dream about
to fight for
to whisper.

like autumn leaves
caught by the tiniest breeze
leaving our souls hollow
and bare.

i miss you.

dusk Oct 2016

drive

i remember
the summer i turned
nineteen, i drove
all alone
from L.A. to San
Francisco, eighty an
hour and the radio loud.

that was the summer i
met you. it was also
the summer i lost
myself. i remember
your touch, your face, your
green eyes so close
to my honey ones,
i remember

the lights on the highway,
and little else. i remember
sitting in the backseat
of my old Toyota,
drinking bottles of jack
all alone on the PCH every
night with only
the stars
and the scars
for company.

i remember you.
but i've forgotten
who i was.

dusk Oct 2016

lost

i've been spending the past
two nights
away from home.
it's hard to explain why i did;
you'd have found me sitting
on the beach at two
a.m. ; two bottles of jack beside
my lonely bones.

i think i was back again,
searching for something
i lost long ago.
i think it left the same time you did.
i've been smoking too much too,
wisps of gray plumes
fleeing those smooth white marlboros.

i swear too much.
i cut myself on a bottle cap
and threw it out into the sea.

i'm a wanderer.
i can see why you left.
but the smoke and the alcohol,
they're my substitutes for you.
i drink so much that
i don't even get drunk anymore.

it's just me
and a ghost of a soul
where you used to be.

dusk Oct 2016

today we

pretend we're real.

today
my mum walked into my house
for the first time in years.
the first thing she said was,
"you drink too much."
i laughed,
because it's true.

today
i punched a hole in my roof
thought i might as well
create something to drain
away the pain.
i cried,
because it still hurt.

and let me tell you this.
the hollowness does not end.
it fills up with a dull ache
every now and then
but when the ache subsides
we fill it up,
with alcohol and splashes
of color.

we never get better,
but we are never worse.
we fall, we get lost,
and we seldom find our way back to ourselves.

& we might be wanderers, but at
least we can take our shots at
guessing who we are.

dusk Sep 2016

have you ever

have you ever felt
the exhaustion?
it's not just physical; it's
mental, emotional, draining
in all the ways you could think of.
it runs in your blood and
seeps into your bones
and you sit there wondering when
it'll all be over.

have you ever felt
the heartache?
it numbs you, chokes you, and
makes you feel like your heart
is a little shriveled up raisin
because you can't imagining it opening
up to anyone else ever again.
it hurts in the worst ways;
a hollow ache that never subsides.

have you ever seen
me cry?
it's not the kind of quiet tears you
see in movies.
it's the heart-wrenching sobs;
screams of pain, loss and apprehension.
it isn't beautiful, there's nothing
poetic about it. it's raw, malignant
grief.

have you ever known me?
or were you just a figment
of my imagination,
too many lines between what i
know and and what i used
to love.

dusk Sep 2016

"leave a message after the tone"

beep
"hey, how're you doing?
i-
****, nevermind."

beep
"god, i miss you so much.
i miss your voice,
your touch,
everything about you.
but i guess you don't miss me."

beep
"hey, how've you been? it
started snowing today.
reminded me of you. please
call me back."

beep
"i know you don't want to
talk, but please, please
just let me tell you how much
i miss you."

beep
"do you listen to all my voicemails?
you never pick up the
phone anymore. i guess
you just don't want to
talk to me."

beep
"i must have sent you twenty
voicemails by now. i'm sorry,
but i'm trying to come to terms
with the fact that you're gone."

beep
"this is the last one.
i'm sorry for bothering you,
i just wanted to tell you, to

remember me."

beep

of heartbreak and missed calls