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dusk Aug 2016
it's getting harder to breathe.
i'm lost in a tidal wave of silence,
as oppressive as your words
can be some days

when they cut deep into my soul.
i'm out on the edge and i'm screaming my own
name as though it could teach
me something new about my horror at

seeing my tears in the mirror.
but all that comes back is my echo;
the darkness of a wasted youth;
too many bottles of alcohol and too

many late nights where i sleep at daybreak.
it's nonsensical, everything and nothing, all
at once.

and then i ask myself,
"am i alive? what is the
essence of my being?"


and no one replies.
not my best work again i apologize
dusk Jul 2016
i still think about you
when i'm taking the train home,
in the middle of the day,
i still think about you
when i'm sitting at my desk,
scribbling numbers and calculations,
i still think about you*
when i'm trying my hardest not to.

i told you i loved you
and you, knowing that,
walked out of my life without a look back,
and i think that's the hardest
thing to come to terms with.

the knowledge that someone would
know you loved them and
leave.
h.
dusk May 2016
him
hey, how're you doing?
it's been two months since i saw you
and i'd tell you i miss you but
i can't find the words.

hey, how's it going?*
it's been two weeks since we spoke
and i'd tell you i love you but
the words, they die in my throat.

all i know is this:
i love you every minute of every day,
but one day you decided it was enough for you,
and you walked out with neither a goodbye
nor a look back,

and suddenly, all the love songs were about you.
h.
dusk May 2016
no, you fool.
pain isn't just crying yourself to sleep at
3am like how they pretend it is on tv.
it's retreating to your piano
in the corner of the hall
and playing until your shirt is soaked with sweat
and the anguish bleeds out of your
fingers and onto the white and black keys.
it's crying and seeing your tears fall onto the
glossy wooden finish of your guitar,
it's staring absently at the blood streaming
from your fingers and staining the guitar a
deep shade of red.

no, you fool.
you don't understand.
pain is going to the things you love
and using them to express yourself
and you feel your soul painting itself
into the words you could never speak.
dusk Mar 2016
this is me
sitting on the asphalt
this is me
crying on the asphalt.

this is me
blowing smoke from my mouth
this is me
kissing the frigid night air.

this is me
lost in a forest of emotions
this is me
lost in a maze of choices.

this is me
shaky, closed in, vulnerable,
gesture without motion,
music without sound,
death without departure.

this is me
losing myself.
dusk Mar 2016
what is this feeling?
a sudden ache in my chest,
a sudden feeling of displacement, of loss
i close my eyes,
try to imagine the feeling away,
but it persists,
a hollowness that will never subside.

what is this feeling?
my eyebrows knit together,
the corners of my mouth turn down.
i stare blankly into the distance,
my only thoughts dark and lonely,
my only words sparse and muted.

what is this loneliness?
this trembling of my lips
this ache in my heart
this crying of my soul.
dusk Feb 2016
"because, you know, before you help others, you have to help yourself.
before you fix others, you have to fix yourself.
before you love others, baby girl, you have to love yourself."*

someday, things will be perfect
someday, the pain will be gone
maybe it's wrong to hold on too tight because
it will all be gone anyway.

someday, we'll find a home in the sky
someday, the tears will be worth it
one day, things will be better.

look yourself in the mirror, now
and tell yourself it will be okay.
believe it, hope it, pray it,
don't let go.
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