dear dan
you gave up.
i don't know if words can bring you back.
probably not.
i don't even know if you're really gone.
i miss you.
i'm sorry i couldn't stop you
i'm sorry i couldn't save you
i'm sorry i couldn't show you
how much you mean to us.

i can't bring you back.
it's like you stood on the edge and
my rope just wasn't long enough.

i'm so so sorry.
and i won't forget you.

dear dan,
i do not know everything in life,
neither do i claim to.
i do not have the answer to everything,
neither do i pretend to.
but life has taught me a lot of things.
it taught me that it's always going to be hard,
it's always going to be an uphill battle,
life is never going to be on your side.
i don't know a lot of things,
but i do know this.
for every moment that i am living,
breathing,
being,
i am grateful.
i am grateful that i was given a life,
no matter how difficult it may be.
there are people
in this world
who wish for half the things we have.
now i'm not saying it's easy,
because let's face it, it's never going to be.
what i am saying,
is that you have the power to change your life.
rain or shine, it's all in your hands.

dear dan,
it's never going to be easy;
it's always going to be hard.
but please,
please,
for heaven's sake
this is my plea:
please don't give up on me now.

today i listened to a song
that you once called "our song"
and it reminded me of you
and all that you stand for

alone at home,
i lay on the cold tiled living room floor
shut my eyes
and listened.

i will admit that i cried a few tears for you;
i looked at a picture of us from months ago
and sighed because it seemed like just yesterday to me.

i remembered you
i remembered us
it hurt for a while,
but i admitted to myself that i did miss you
and then i reached out
and let you go.

this feeling will fade in time, i know
and i told myself to be strong.

i think it worked.

the song ended,
i took my earphones from my ears,
and i stood up.

i must have left the part of me that loves you
on the ground behind me,
because i think i'm finally over you.

i hope one day
someone stitches you back together
i hope one day
you see the beauty of life
i hope one day
you understand how precious you are

you're my best friend
and i know you will see this
and i want you to promise me
that no matter what happens you will keep hanging on
because i love you
for all that you are
and i don't mean the love of a lover
but rather
phileo love
one that is warm and tender and platonic
one that makes me cry when i see you hurt
one that makes me willing to stay up
till 4am to persuade you not to **** yourself

because you mean a lot to me
and i hope one day
you learn to mean a lot to yourself too.
i know what you feel.
believe me, i, more than anyone else, would know.
how often have i felt the same?
how often have i seen my own scars?
how often have i wanted to put an end to my own life?
i know you. better than i know myself.

to take your life is a brave thing to do.
but is it not braver to stay and fight?
i want to stay.
i want to fight my demons off one by one.
and you, my fellow wanderer,
won't you fight with me?
won't you live for living's sake?

what are birthdays?*
"a day to celebrate your being alive"
"a day to celebrate your birth"

but i am tired of living.
tomorrow is my birthday but
i don't feel like there's anything to celebrate.

i saw fireworks yesterday
and they reminded me of you
of how once you sent me a picture of you
sitting on the ground watching a sky
lit up in red and white and blue
and how you wished i was there with you.

and even though i'm the one
who told you we're not meant to be
there's a part of me that still misses you.

and even though i'm the one
who said "that's enough"
there's a part of me that still wants you.

today i rode my penny down the sidewalk
and it reminded me of you
how you once sent me a video of you
skating down a hallway at 11p.m.
and you wished i was there with you.

and even though i'm the one
who told you we're not meant to be
there's a part of me that still misses you.

and even though i'm the one
who said "that's enough"
there's a part of me that still wants you.

and i know
time will erase me from your mind but

even though we're not meant to be
even though that's enough
there's a part of me that still misses you
and there's a part of me that still wants you

but that part is growing smaller every day
and we're not meant to be
and that's enough now.