I really don't understand this. I'm so confused why I have this. I feel like I did something to deserve it but what could be so bad that I deserve this? This is nothing; it's empty, hollow, and bare. I'm sad always, every day, every moment. Depression is horrible and I feel awful for those who have it. Everyone involved. I hate that I can't help anyone, not even myself. When you feel like this, feel like I do. Death is inviting. Like it's an end to the pain I'm always feeling. But I don't think I could do it. I'm scared of the people it would hurt; Scared of everything. I'm so sorry for everything I do. I'm only negative to everyone. I don't help. I make stuff worse, for everyone. I wish they wouldn't pretend they need me. Nothing helps, cutting doesn't even realllllyy help.. I still do it. I mean I have too yknow. I mean depression *****, and anxiety and eating disorders **** too. Mental illnesses pile up and I'm stuck and trapped in the dark alone. People say they can help. They can't.

lets get drunk
& listen to the greatest music
and laugh and you'll be you and i'll be me
we can snuggle up in the back seat of the car
gaze at the streetlights in the city
or the stars in the country
and make out if you don't mind the burning taste of alcohol on my breath
you can smoke a cig to relax
i mean we wont remember this night
but there will be more right

I TEND TO FIND MYSELF SHOVING MY BODY IN PLACES THAT ARE WARM
AND CRAVING THEM WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND
MAYBE FINDING MYSELF IN A HOT BATH, OCCASIONALLY IN YOUR SWEATER, AND OFTEN IN YOUR ARMS
THE COLD IS THE WORST
SHIVERING AND ALONE
CURLING INTO A BALL SHAKING
TRYING TO GAIN HEAT
GAIN SANITY
GAIN FEELING BACK IN MY TOES, BUT ALSO MY MIND
THE COLD WINTERS BRING OUT THAT COLD PART OF ME
THE ICY PLACE I TEND TO NUZZLE IN A BLANKET AT ANY TIME POSSIBLE
THERE'S A FLIP SIDE TO THAT HEAT THOUGH
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK TO GET WARM IS TO HOLD MY WRISTS OVER AN OPEN FLAME
OR MAYBE SOAK THEM IN MY OWN HOT RED BLOOD
EITHER WAY IM GAINING HIGH TEMPS RIGHT??
IM ONLY DOING WHAT I MUST TO SUPPRESS THE COLD
DON'T LET MY ICY WINDS CUT YOUR CHEEKS AND TURN YOU RED
IF I COULD BUILD YOU A FIRE I WOULD BECAUSE ITS IMPORTANT THAT YOUR HAPPY, IMPORTANT THAT YOUR NO LONGER COLD

remember when love was just a word
and kisses were in movies
remember how we used to flirt
but all the boys had cooties
remember when no one gave a ****
everyone was cool
remember how I thought I liked you
but boy I was a fool
remember the old, empty thoughts
and not to feel that way
remember how to really love
and focus on today
(ag)

PEOPLE CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT ME
I KNOW THE RUMORS SHOULDN'T BOTHER ME
AND I KNOW I SAY THEY DON'T
BUT WHEN EVERYONE CALLS YOU A *****
HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE THEM
MY MORALS ARE OFF
IVE DONE A LOT IM NOT PROUD OF
IVE WALLOWED IN TEARS OVER YOUR OPINIONS
NO ONES THOUGHTS CAN MAKE YOU
BUT THEY SURE AS HELL CHANGE YOU

I CAN STILL TRACE EACH AND EVERY SCAR ON MY BODY
EACH ONE REMINDS ME OF A TIME WHERE I WAS SAD AND WEAK AND ALONE
EACH MARK THAT IVE PUNISHED MYSELF WITH SITS ON MY SKIN STILL LINGERING
IM TIRED OF THEM ALL AND IM TIRED OF FEELING UGLY
THEY MAKE ME DISCUSTING
HOW COULD YOU LOVE SOMEONE COVERED IN DEBRIS OF SELF-HATE
BUT ALSO WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT THEM?
THE CONSTANT REMINDER IS SOMETHING I DESERVE