I started dreaming about him and then I stopped.
You’re only in love forever until you’re not.
He was my all but now I don’t even feel possessionless having parted ways.
Cause love is love until it’s not.

I fell in love with him and then I fell out.
He was my second half until we fell apart.
I ran into his arms like a coffee shop and it tasted real good.
It’s just that I had my share of you.

I’m nobody’s until I’m someone’s
and I’m taken until I’m free.
I swear I could’ve been forever with him,
but I guess finite are all things that are free.
Now I’ve no interest in finding the reason
cause love is a myth until it isn’t.

I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers when he texted me.
The time was a minute forty four on “**** My Kiss”.
He gave me the second best day of my life.
Second after my first night at San Gabriel Blvd.
And also the second cause it didn’t feel unreal.

On and on I’ve hushed my heart and day by day it wept in dark.
My lips felt heavier than metal to raise
to say what my heart wanted
but my head had all the say.
I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and half a day away
to let my heart scream and yell and shout and say whatever the hell it’s been holding in for two decades.
That was the realest I’ve felt in my life.

I was thinking of letting my heart break a little when he texted me.
I was ready to just let myself run it into madness just to feel something.
I knew it would hurt
but pain is better than nothing.
On and on I’ve told myself to shut up and wait for someone to like me
cause I’m not likable when I’m trying
but I did something crazy
at the moment of writing this - 1:55, I don’t even trust the flow of my life anymore
I look for the catch, cause this is better than I’ve ever had.
Or maybe I’m a little lovesickly paranoid.
I hated to hope, hoped it would get better and I hated that though.
I made God a promise, if he gives, I’ll find the better in me and on and on I’ve watched them walk away, watch them vanish like smoke till one prayer away.
I almost tried to find a way
to find somebody to fill the gap - it was either that or I’d crush my numb heart in my hands, just to feel something, even if it was pain.

I’ve never shown a guy I like him until he texted me on minute 1:44
That number must mean something
like the date of the day that my very soul could see a light in that tunnel
and I think it’s divine providence that I walked through a tunnel that night
the night that my heart felt something other than pain and it was more beautiful than beautiful, it was perfect.
As of writing this poem, a day after the second best day of my life,
I don’t know where I’m going.
And I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve never felt this real.
Here’s a note to future self, I don’t know how things will play out.
But I’m glad you …… .. ….
I’m glad you let him into your heart, even if you didn’t know if he wasn’t going to break it in half.
I don’t know yet if he ….. ...
What I know is I …. ….
I showed him that I …. ….
So future self, intact or not
Just know I’m curious to hear it
I hope you’re happier
I’m happy now
I finally opened up
I’m really proud.

Should I reach out? I’m too scared old babe
You switched it up living it up in black suede
wedding dresses.
South is where you’ve gone while I stayed on my way
Dyed your hair hot pink and smoked your life away
in Chanel jackets.

My perfume says “Black Suede Leather”
I’ve worn it once in saddening weather
It made me ablaze like a candle that was dead
It made me glad
to have been who I have been
and who I am.

Saw you saw me in the Old Town where we used to live
I backed away from camera flashes, oh you loved them camera flashes
Love being the center.
Know you saw me seeing you, yet I didn’t say a word
And now it’s been four summers since the door shut on its own
But deep down inside, the part of me that’ll never change - I hope our ice cream shops turn out the same
I hope the heatwave could make us both synchronized - and perhaps we can make up for the wasted time.

But for now I’m wearing “Black Suede Leather”
I spray it on in scorching weather
It makes me reminisce about
how scent wears off and roads lead south.

Troy says beach walks are all the rage.
I’m a city kind of guy.
He could play guitar till the end of day.
And I’d drink beer till night.
He hates to vape and I really hate it.
That strawberry smoke tastes better when he exhales it.
I’m chopping wood to keep up the fire.
Fire lasts, feeling expires.
What now?
He treats me like the weaker one.
He treats me like the weaker one.
He treats me like the weaker one.
And the RV doesn’t feel like home.

I wanna remain faithful.
Make him happy but I can’t.
Pour grenadine into his glass with a shaky hand.
He tells me to chill.
But knows **** well I can’t.
I wanna hold onto him but I can’t even hold myself.

I don’t wanna go on a roadtrip or the store that’s a couple miles away.
I’m good overthinking, smoking, swimming at the shore of the bay.
I feel the sand falling down in between my fingers on the ground.
Does he mind a reassurance ******’s rant, I hate that sound.

Troy thinks that the bygone era’s gone by for good.
I’m all that’s left.
I need just Joni and a whiskey to touch down.
He likes grass instead.
He hates to show off and I’m losing patience.
God, if he could just manspread on the chair and let me watch.
I’ll just wash clothes in the river and live on.
Without him or with him.
What now?
I got a whole country to cross.
I got a whole country to cross.
I got a whole country to cross.
Cause one plus half ain’t two.

I love how his hair comes down.
How he lets me down.
It’s so attractive.
I love him with his glasses on.
That just turns me on.
Like a light switch.

I wanna remain faithful
I wanna remain-
I wanna remain faithful
I wanna remain-
Sorry if I come out hateful
But you get in my way
I’d give you all my warmth
But you’re pushing me away

I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad case.
You keep pushing me away.
I wanna remain-
I should’ve remained-
I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad case.
You keep pushing me away.
I wanna remain-
I should’ve remained faithful.

If this were a song, I’d hush at the thought of singing it.
And if this were a poem, I’d close my eyes to not see it.
There’s a graveyard of fruit flies trapped inside a painting.
Behind a layer of glass.
From a few springs ago.
At this moment I’m having this sweet epiphany.
Like balloons my worries are aloft.
At the thought of falling back into the dark depths of my mind I’d run where one won’t find me.
I’m just bored of being afraid.
Letting it ruin my day.
My fears are only as strong as I let them be.
And I don’t feel like they’ll grow stronger if I just let them be.
If I were someone else, I’d give me a hug and say something nice.
If I had given up, I wouldn’t have been so hopeful after a fight.
Someone dear to me said “Don’t give up on yourself”.
No matter how hard it gets.
And I’m not gonna fall back down again into the depths.
I’m just bored of being scared.

I don't wanna have to be poetic in love no more
only choose the citrus shampoo and perfume
for you My Love.
I don't wanna have to celebrate every month anniversary
but I will never forget March 27 - that's when I realized how much you mean to me.

Won't push your name outta my dictionary
or your face outta my head.

I don't wanna have to outdo myself every night
I can't always be your guardian
But I can work a lullaby

Instead of writing ballads - I cook for you
pretty much breathe for you
I do it all idealistically and thorough
it's just that..
I don't get poetic in love no more.

I make your bed for you,
but don't open the door.

I cooked pretzels for your birthday,
instead of gifting you a rose.

I tell you everything I feel,
but nothing comes in prose.

Sometimes I think
the reason I cling to you
is because you haven't had the time to hurt me yet.
But I want to believe
straightforward that
You are just the one for me.

Baby, I’m soft like candle flame.
For I allowed myself to waver and wane.
I thought that was the trick to ignite the lights inside their stupid, pretty heads.
Alas, it was all in vain.
They could never love me for my poetry and late night whereabouts, the way I make my bed, the way I watch the stars.
But you, sweet as revenge, you came into my heart cause I let you in.
I could’ve chosen somebody next door, but I didn’t.
I could’ve listened to Sylvia Plath and loved a thunderbird instead of him.
Instead of the easy way back into poetry, I chose to fall deep for you,
and willingly I fell
into its whirl.
I’m fearless for this and for that and for what it’s worth I’m proud of myself more than ever.
Every lover I wished I could keep by my chest at night is now my enemy, but they’ve given me more than they know.
I ruin everything or maybe I’m too smart to chase thunderbirds, listening to abrasion taking place in earshot, time is running low.
It’s a long shot, but I think I might be right and despite the unfortunate events, I have more time than I know.
I’m only sweet and hot like summertime and I don’t dare throw my best days to the wind chimes’ tinkling.
I’m head-deep in my vulnerability and it’s feeling so **** sweet, swimming in debris, having more than I asked for.
San Juan, love me, please.
I’m still waiting for love to happen to me.
Patiently, enduringly withstanding summer breeze extinguishing me.
I’m open again to a new pair of arms to guard me from wind eroding me, erasing me off the face of Earth like sandcastles left to be.
I’m soft like candle flame, Juan, love me deeply, please.
Deep like the deepest point of the ocean, that’s how deep I wanna delve into you.
I haven’t loved anyone for more than a year, can you change that, please?
At least now I know it’s not me.
Can you love me, please?
Do you see yourself next to me?
Don’t you mind me asking?
It’s not like I’ll be this young and eager for dozens of summers, so I’m emptying this glass that happiness is until I find my peace,
find somebody to share it with.
Just tell me I’m not unfit to be loved.
Juan, I understand I’m not the problem, but can you verify that though?

I've grown out of being humble like I've grown up from being awkwardly limited.
Before my sunnier days, my heart was hanging in my chest like a rigorous bird cage
and it took one word
one simple action
to release my happiness, sadness, anger, glamor and marvel to wander amidst splendor and ordinariness of the planet Earth.

So I became a poet
gave life to a couple hundred poems
that I defend with life period.

If I dipped my head in stardom
and were to shine down upon millions
I would never show up in a black suit and a tie

I didn't choose the language that my soul speaks
and I'm proud.
I never wanted my art to be evaluated
interpreted wrong
because my art is my gladness, my fear, my sadness, my smile, my thunder, my hail and my hotness.
For I change like the weather and I love this climate.
Like the wildest river I meander and I know no ocean to fade into.

No matter the pressure, I won't snap like a rubber band
I won't let the world **** me
Or stamp my precious flowerbeds
Spill water of misconception on my poems
I won't let them

And when the time comes to defend my legacy
I won't show up in a black suit and a tie.

I wear an engagement ring on my left hand and not to figure out what it feels like to be married.
It belonged to someone dead or alive or nobody.
I wear your jeans jacket to feel not just warmer but closer to you
I crave something physical
more than sexting when time slows down
but feeling what you felt
breathing the same air
and hearing the sound of your voice in the morning, when I have more than calling
sexting
“boring”
I wanna be yours forever.

I don’t wanna get anxious when I see you calling
“Pick up, idiot”
“I’m sorry”
But I’m cute or at least that’s what they say
I listened to “Diamonds And Rust” earlier today
And I thought of the rust on my ring and then it made me think
that our love can withstand corrosion
heavy rain
erosion
So I kinda wear it to sleep now..

Grandparents took us to the fair “I need a penny”
I said all sweaty in joy, grandad said “I don’t have many
more. But go on and play along”
Now I’m sitting at the ice cream shop in love, one I miss every day
I’m waiting for the walking green, woman at the florist’s ties a new bouquet.
I think of North Carolina and the South
Think of all the things I couldn’t live without
but now I do
Now I can’t function without you
I walk by the fair, your touch over my hand and I think of how I have everything I want
and how I wouldn’t trade you
for an extra penny or a ride-along.

I dress to **** and I **** for fun.
I got all the bags and for money they run.
I’m into winning haters over, it’s my hobby.
And if you don’t pay tribute, this ain’t over, catch a body.
You’re over and I’m only getting started.
No lover but my boo got all my pics hearted.
Plain Jane and I’m rocking that Versace shirt.
No name and I’m high-fiving celebs, hold the girl.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Wack but you’re still hot, can’t deny it.
So make your mind up or stop hindering me.

I dress for revenge and I avenge everything.
I’m winning every game and make sure you’re spectating.
I can rock vampire fangs, I could be your villain arc.
I got Kylie challenge lips, I can kiss yours in the dark.
But you’re playing! and you ain’t even winning.
Think you’re flexing? nah honey, you’re spreading the red carpet for me.
Know your worth! next to me you ain’t a penny.
Think I care? You in the top million things that affects me.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Pretty but ******, it ain’t working for me.
Real ****, I did like you, now I rub that **** in.

Grab something quick, cause you falling off.
Joke, you’ve been lying face down at the bedrock.
Could’ve been my bed but you ain’t made it.
Could’ve said I ain’t it, but you didn’t say ****.
Could’ve won ya over but I’m kinda glad I didn’t.
You stay playing games, but I got better achievements.
I’d compete, but I need at least some competition.
You’re worthy, but only of cleaning up my *******.
I’m an effin’ G, go build me an effigy.
Why you so effin’ jelly, on top of that buttery.
I saw you the other day and I was like eww.
Whatever I smoked to be attracted to you.
Kinda glad now I ain’t leaned to kiss you up there.
Bonafide ******* and certified **** muncher.
I’m what you wish you were, I’m grateful I ain’t you.
Now watch me be a faker, cause you didn’t want me true.
You want my spot, then go clean my ***.
I eat a lot, I’m eating this **** up.
You want my spot, loser I dare you not.
You ain’t spitting facts, just go get a mop.

So *******, I guess.

Make it alright.
Since we love Nicki Minaj I’d listen to her with you till daylight.
Share my headphones and hotbox my vape all night.
Make it alright.
Because we both get off on the same things let’s laugh together.
Play those videos from a decade ago but hot forever.
Make it all right.
I’ve a rough past and I need to spill tea or it overflows.
I do it anyway, but I’d rather keep somebody close.
Make it all right.
Make it overnight.
I’d hold your love like diamonds in a vault and watch it all life.
I’d write you a love song whenever you feel like you wanna cry.
I’d take you out and have you come in and out on repeat.
I’d make it so that you’re never alone and I would never leave.
Make it real life.
I want your love but I’m just not in a mood for tossing cards.
But regardless I do daydream about us.

my life is a poetry book
and every day is a poem,
i try to keep sunlight between the pages,
not knowing how to hold it in my hands,

my life is a poetry book,
i don’t have a title for it yet,
it’s about a boy who’s seeking happiness
between pages of self-written novels,

my life is a poetry book,
365 poems a year,
i write free-verse during creativity surges,
on black like tar nonexistent beaches,

my life is a poetry book
and my head is a library,
filled to the brim with forbidden novels,
that disappear temporarily during day,

my life is a poetry book,
it’s pretty much themeless,
once i throw paper planes like missiles,
then i’m drowning in my inner darkness,

my life is a poetry book,
i’m writing with my own blood,
sometimes i want to publish it already,
but i can’t leave a sentence unfinished.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

I remember when I was 16
I was my only God
Burning brightly at both ends
heart still on the mend
vaping cherry in the parking lot
with bff's.

Hurts to think I didn't cherish that enough.
But what can I say other than
I was 16 and I was my only God.

Try to keep it 100.
Try to stay this hot.
Try to get that 1000.
Try to be on top.

I rode a ferris wheel amidst a thunderstorm - I wasn't afraid of anything. I worked a day shift with the streets on fire.
Sunburns didn't matter - I was a **** wildfire.
I miss middle school, just cause I was young and man I was shining, stars scattered wherever I went and people I looked up to applauded me for being the man.
I was 15 and they treated me like a god.

But when the night fell I failed to summon light
I asked for matches but nobody was kind
I went to high school
and I hated my life
But finally I've realized there's more good days left in my life.

I was at peak in 2019
that hot I can't combust
But if I'm in need for matches, I learned to ask God.

I met someone at 18
who showed me a different point of view on life
And I thought to myself
that maybe I need faith
that maybe I can feel that way
again.

July is the month of storms
The bolts that haunted me last night
Lit up the sky like glass shatters
And I was in fright

June, I burned myself like thorns
The heat reigned all over inside
My home and the concept I fathered
Bloomed like a bird of paradise

Or an oxeye daisy, crooked but beautiful inside
Season’s hot like Hades, ain’t weird that I still cling to the fire, fire, fire
After all I’m crazy, and I’m the leader of my own life
My man drives a Mercedes, he powers it with those golden eyes, eyes, eyes
Sweltering air looms over town
And thunder was so nice to me
Thunder was so nice to me

Alanya was burning in the night
As I danced in an on-deck foam bath
I feared I’d end up smoking burned
Instead I swam in a blizzard of ash

They talked the winds would spawn a twister
To harvest all of my joy like a reaper
But lightnings were lighting above my writer
And so I wrote all the danger away

Am an oxeye daisy, crooked but beautiful inside
Season’s hot like Hades, ain’t weird that I still cling to the fire, fire, fire
After all I’m crazy, and I’m the leader of my own life
My man drives a Mercedes, he powers it with those golden eyes, eyes, eyes
And his golden touch
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

(But you know it)
Thunder of love rolls into my bed like a typhoon and it makes me sad
How they know who you are
But you know it
Nothing as extreme as love could ever wreck me senseless and it makes me glad
To still love you despite that
But you know it and you do nothing with it
Yes you know that I love you in spite of it

July is the month of storms so electrify me

I’m your boyfriend, not your devotee
This ain’t a cult, this ain’t a church,
Your name’s not written over me.
I love you but you’re not my everything
cause when you’re down I lose the ground under my feet
the sinkholes spread, can’t fill the gaps, can’t but I need
and yeah, I’m falling too.
And who’s meant to save me then?
I need you, but you’re not everything I need
cause when it’s too hard to love you I can’t rest my head to sleep
when I close my eyes you’re the prettiest thing I see
but I love you to feel free
not wait for you to leave me,
cause I can’t commit anymore.
Not to look for a reason to leave you for someone easier to love
and it’s not cause I’m too afraid to start from scratch with a foreign guy.
I’m your boyfriend, not your attorney
I love you but you’re not all I think about.

At last I’m free from my fear.
I’m sore but resilient after the fight.
For whatever I’ve left I remain here.
I’m not dying but following the light.

You tore my heart in half, but I fixed it.
You told me I was bad, I could fix it, you said.
It’s just that wolves howl, they can’t change it.
And fire’s meant to burn, can extinguish, but why?

First you vilify me, then you victimize me.
I’m only human, but I’m no victim of my lust.
It’s intrusive to me, so jeopardizing.
Think you missed your point.

I’m not one of your cult.
No.
I’m not one of your cult.

I’m talking to you like a friend.
Harm’s the last thing in my intent.
I can listen and decipher what you say to me.
And I’m grateful for my own sexuality.
I’m so open and honest like a loose door.
Still no excuse for them to label me a *****.

I’m not letting anything obscure you.
No.
I’m not letting anyone obscure you.

I wouldn’t call myself beautiful at night, moonshot.
I learned to keep my head up, but it’s still a long shot.
What I portrayed was only a version,
a diversion from what lay behind the veil.
It rained stars,
around my head.
Now I love me,
big thanks.

I thought the man I had eyes for couldn’t love me back cause I wasn’t beautiful.
But I changed my hair.
My glasses too.
Lost forty pounds.
Grew confidence too.
But I didn’t return to his doorstep to beg for acceptance again.
I know one thing.
I deserve better.
Than someone like him.
For what it’s worth, ******* for the heartbreak but thank you for making me
beautiful.

The sweet are the danger, you can’t always see the spikes on roses blooming.
But what you can do is choose happy over doubtful, it’s a gift to know how to.
Being trapped in a body you hate, it’s a misery that only you have the power to eliminate.
It’s a weird thing for me to say, but I only learned to love me having hated me.

Now I call myself worthy at day, sunshine.
I manage to absorb the bright, starlight.
Next step is finding someone capable of holding me together.
And making me believe I’m beautiful when I’m all kinds of ****** up.
Not just on my best days.

drive me to nevada,
all the way to las vegas,
we could go gambling in the local casinos or ride the high roller,
or get f**d up,
then drive me to california,
we’ll take a walk across venice,
and take a ride on a starline tours bus,
we’ll be hitchhiking through the west coast,
we could fly,
we could die,
we are young freaks, baby,
the world belongs to us.

I wanted a fun weekend
and now I'm slowly starting to need you..
I tried to lose myself in Oklahoma
two days off from someone who knows me through
Wind in my hair never felt so free
Now I can't get over you,
Jesus freak.

You taste like fruit marshmallows
delicately melting in my mouth
deliberately too sweet
citrus gold
white hot

I can't get over you Matt
I wanted to arrange my cards, now I'm cheating on my boyfriend and I cannot sleep at night
I tilt left and right
forever in a sugar rush
play pretend
dopamine high

I know that what I do isn't right
I like to call it a fever which will turn out alright.
Even though I lowkey wish you stayed for another fortnight
and one more
and another
It's a lost cause but let's try - not like I have anything else to live for at this time.

I wouldn't be as bold if I had already crossed you out
Maybe if we went back to Daytona, things would go according to plan and we wouldn't have to part ways in August, what do you think my love?
I could live like Lizzy
compose in a trailer park
as long as I'm the same, it's you I'll write about.

  Pull me close to you
    I'm at my weakest now
As long as I'm the same it's you I'll think about.

    It's more than a fever
  Babe I get it now
    I can reach infinity
  Lemme show you how

I keep a few bucks for a rainy day,
just in case I fall too hard for you and I’ll think I can’t escape.
I keep them for a fortune teller’s say
so they’ll divine our souls’ whereabouts in a couple years.

I don’t wanna chase
My legs and heart are sore
I don’t wanna chase you
If I will never catch you

But if you take a glance under all of my layers
Climb over the fence that’s immune to prayers
I’ll love you
I’ll give you every smile I have
I’ll love you
Like I should’ve loved myself.
I’ll love you like a painting when you’re 60 and your beauty’s fading.
I’ll love you like I love Amy.
I’ll love you like Red Hot Chili Peppers love California in mañana.
I’ll love you like I love Lana.
I’ll love you when you lose yourself and whimper like a baby.
I’ll love you like I love David.
I’ll love you from a booth in the Midwest if all we’ll get is calling.
I’ll love you like I love Joni.
I’ll love you when the trees are naked and they’re green and leafy.
I’ll love you like I love Stevie.
Because it’s ****** to walk alone
Alone at heart at lonely roads, so listen:
I’ll love you like I should’ve loved myself
You make me feel exceptional, but I need a tarot reading
You make me feel unique, but my heart and legs are weary
I’ll love you if you let me love you
if you hear the desperation that I so don’t try to hide
and with those few bucks I’ve been holding on to
I’ll buy you something sweet - you seem the sweet type of guy.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

This is divine providence
Heart shaped arrows tipped with strophanthus
This is not deliverance
Love potions leave you with a bitter aftertaste
Now I’m waiting for summer to come
Now I’m grateful for no roses in my house
I didn’t assign my soul to another
And I didn’t confess when I wanted to
This is divine providence
I know from a gypsy in Providence, Rhode Island, provided I wasn’t jinxed.
I’m still up for Portsmouth, New Hampshire, slowly dance eyes up, still looking at the wandering stars above.
This is divine providence
This is no coincidence
I don’t know what to believe
Amidst cosmic ambivalence
This is divine providence
This is divine interference
I can see it clearly now
This is divine involvement

˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆*˚✩

Beguile me like bioluminescence.
I love you, doe-eyed siren, take all my money.
My friends envy caused them virescence.
They’re too casual to see my summer tan.
But he’s just my type.
But he’s what I like.
I hear assurances of love twice as much.
Like a werwolf, come night I am a ****.
But he doesn’t cry on my shoulder ever.
I only trash my curse of obsolescence.
But he’s so attractive.
He’s exactly what I want.
But before I throw it in the fire.
Let me get my summer tan on.

What are you in eyes so blue?
Iron gate that’s cold, inflexible
Fragile like ice on a pond
Yet it’s hot as it melts in my palm

I’ll never ebb to the foot of our bed
I’ll never walk over the threshold unless
I’ve filled the room with your favorite scent
I’ll make my clothes smell like my precious man

In the summer of my life I was burning
charming
like a God.
But when the colder times came in hotly
I gave up
and I was lost.

In the rhythm of philosophers pondering on the lawn
with the kitchen radio on
watching stars go by at dawn.
I resign in the fashion of determining my home
and the next chapter will come.

In the spring of my life I was thriving
I was beautiful
like lotus.
But when redwoods’ leaves began falling
so did I
but didn’t die.

I hope I didn’t put you through what I went through with them
I hope I didn’t break your heart in two
You seemed to like me and I liked your company as well
So I hope I didn’t hurt you

I’d ask but we don’t talk anymore
We didn’t get to talk about the things we both share
We know what we don’t have in common
And the first date thing we had, boy it was hell
Cause I’m so socially awkward but
At least it’s getting better cause I’ve gotten so far
I thought I wasn’t into you so it stopped
And now I see you doing activities I wish I was part of

I couldn’t be like you
We’re like water and the flames
I could never like you like you like me

I hope I didn’t do to you what those boys did to me
I hope I didn’t seem bored of you
I hope I didn’t come off boring too, I think I’m a drag
That’s why I got distant from you

Heartbreak is my least favorite feeling
My least favorite thing to break, give me a break for once
If you still got faith and if you’re willing
I’d give it another go but I know the outcome of this thing for us

I wanted him to be you
We didn’t share much but
What we shared was more than enough

So I hope I didn’t put you through what I went through with them
They seemed to like the shatter sound
I hope it didn’t discourage you from looking for love
I mean it when I say it
Not truly yours
Anton

Nothing.
The dreams don’t exist.
The fears don’t exist.
Memories.
Relationships.
It’s all empty space.
Love affairs.
The dogmas.
Gaping wounds, wide smiles.
Unsaid things, joy rides.
Broken hearts, good deeds.
There’s nothing in this place.
Just silence.
Absoluteness.
Peace.
But the place where I’m at right now has every one of those things.

you hunted me down
like a malevolent, carnivorous bird,
a fearless eagle
targeted me easily like I was wounded animal,
but I was a fallen angel,
on my first day on earth,
couldn’t distinguish between bad and good,
i believed you were my savior
and you weren’t - but a furious predator,
you made the vague things clear,
i finally understood
the difference between
bad and good,

i got sent away
in a glamorous, golden express,
sparkling like some expensive jewellery,
that brought me back home,
and my home was heaven,
and now it’s been months since i finished my rehab,
and as tiny stars put their old mother to bed,
and as they bring a replacement for her,
i see eagles circling around a tower of a palace I’m living in,
i wear blue velvet and I put my halo on,
i rehearse my lines in my head,
hoping today will be the day of my salvation,
it’s my biggest dream,
although i can’t be saved
from something that saves me,
from something that is both
bad and good.

In the chapel of condemnation.
On the cold checkerboard tiles I was kneeling.
Forced to repent for innocence, la vida, papi.
I was a diamond in the rough.
And for the sake of acceptance I was bleeding.
But I didn’t need nobody.

It was forever night and I was blue forever.
My halo cracked in half or so I inferred.
I was singing over water running, head below water.
But I was singing to you instead.

I’m the bereaved, la vida, papi.
But you don’t need nobody.

You can’t just please everybody.
I’m my soul, my mind, my body.

The darkness was slain by monstrance.
In the chapel of condemnation I was bound to.
With a chain around the columns, la vida, papi.
It was a complex of gothic towers.
It was a matter of liberation.
And I didn’t need nobody.

For I willingly went into the darkest tunnel there.
Unafraid of the witch at the church front gates.
I just saw the moon and I wanted to come alive again.
Would you have done if you were slowly withering away?

I’m the stained, la vida, papi.
Tainted and ****** bohemian for life, daddy.
They held me down and indebted me.
But I don’t need nobody then.
I don’t need nobody now.
I don’t need no one, amen.

Red sky, swallow me.
Injecting eurodance straight into my blood system.
Red god, pity me.
I don’t let them, I’m a wall.
Swallow me, swallow me.
Into the chasm of vermillion.
Red sky, pity me.
I’m too hard to see through now, I don’t give up, I’m a wall.
So let me fall, fall, fall.

Envy, there’s envy and jealousy.
Lust, there’s lust and it’s killing me.
Looks of judgment, there’s embers and they’re burning me.
Lights, astigmatism has me spinning.
Mile markers, numbers increasing.
Heartbeat, it’s speeding - speed, my heart’s beating.
The most electric feeling.
Beating like Jailhouse Rock.
I feel it in my chest.
I need to stop.

Red sky, who are they to downgrade me?
God in the sky, what am I to say?
I have a lot to let out, this life’s unfair and rigged.
Will I make the news if I write the next Devil Glitch?
I could write the longest poem.
Will they love me if I do?
My lover says they’re not in my lane, cause we’re mean but beautiful.
And what am I to say?
Yes, you, red sky, what am I meant to say to you?

7, there’s 7 letters in my last name.
7, there’s seven lanes in this ****** highway.
Heaven, there’s paradise down in Nevada.
And I’m cast out of it.
7, there’s 7 sins they preach about.
7, my lucky number since I was a baby.
Heaven, my boyfriend’s cuter than yours.
And I’m not over it.

Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.

my baby was a writer too,
we wanted to do something big,
we wanted to get really far,
but one day you received a letter with a red stamp on it,
your poems were the best,
you got such a huge chance,
to change the world,
and if you never left me we could have written the best poem ever,
if you never left the town then we could have made a masterpiece,
i still have drafts
and single lines
of the ooze that was supposed to be the best poem ever,
you were supposed to be famous,
you were supposed be recognized,
you told me you’ll write a masterpiece,
and now it’s been years since i heard about you.

Call me cute if you wanna
but just so you know you won’t be the first one.

Call me hot if you wanna
but just so you know someone already has.

But if you call me yours
and I extrapolate the right idea
that maybe I deserve to have my turn
it’ll enunciate to me the answer.

Mind-******* feels good
but have you ever been called lovable?

I wanna wake up to the sound of ice clinking in a glass of wine
thinking:
**** me for falling asleep so soon.
I wanna hold you as the moon
creeps outside the window
leaps over flamingos
and swimming pools that wash off dunes.

I wish I had bought you something cute on Rodeo Drive
but you’re the rich one
I’m your sugar baby for life.

I was waiting for the walking green at the time
thinking:
I don’t wanna wear you off like a typhoon.
On our honeymoon
we stopped by Dayton Way
I asked my heart some questions
And then I found the way.

you met me again on the tennis court,
asked me if you’ve done something wrong,
with your voice more elusive than ever,
sweet like vanilla and light as a feather,
and you said it so innocently,
that you melted pure stone,
you’re truly unbelievable,
and i said:
no spell,
no witch doctor,
and no nazar,
will keep us apart,
i know you didn’t think what’s later when you were hurting me,
doesn’t matter, cause you’re just how i want you to be,
in my dreams,

and as i return home, as i escape daily b**t,
some force puts me to bed,
i believe strongly, that when i visit that world
i will see you there again
and tell you things, that bother me like 24/7,
in my dreams you always listen,
in my dreams you are only mine,
in my dreams we forget the time,
in my dreams.

[Part 1] Sequoia

My favorite drugs are sequoias from King’s Canyon and your smile
I need them more than coffee
Need you to stand beside me like General Grant and cast some shade on my face
because this heat is killing me.
I pursue something pure
like water in the wild.
My love, it lives enduringly
like sequoias in national parks.

[Part 2] Yosemite

Over and over I wished to be free
like a doe running freely through Yosemite
be fearful of fires
walk my own trail
take in the quiet
nobody’s wail.
I’m loving the falls
I’m loving the streams
Outdoors, without walls
Alone I can dream
I’m loving the monoliths
I’m loving the air
Only feeling that’s sheer
is me being free.

All my life I strived to be different.
Ever since I took my first breath I've considered myself an artist and may I feel that way until my last.

As a kid I carried my painting kit everywhere and I'd sit and reshape reality into something artistic.
Something that was mine
and nobody else's.
I dipped my paintbrush in a cup of water, tryna not mix the wrong shades
but I did eventually
and thought it wasn't resplendent, the road I once painted, it brought me here.

I love my life
but I've always known I deserved better than that.

The passers-by didn't love me.
I was an outsider in each town where I tried to settle down.
I was no local
I was no resplendent god
I was a ghost in high school, I lived so close but I was no ******* local still (???)

And so I freed a lexical avalanche instead of screaming
God I hate to scream.
My art makes me glad of the pathway I've chosen
and the people I've turned into
I'm glad I'm not anymore.

although
Somehow somewhere I heft this longing
of clasping chain link fences and pulling over by highway drive through coffee shops
The longing for chasing sunsets and dancing in the rain
opening the lid of my miniature treasure chest and putting on my lucky charm...

How do I make this life real?
not a painting or a poem...

                        ???                             ­    ???
       ???                                   ???

???                               ???
                  ???                                  ???
  ­                
I guess I'm gonna have to write

One is Attraction, the pull undefeated.
A willow swaying in a barren land that’s counterfeited.
The siren on the shore, the relentless deceiver.
Dilator of eyes, arrow of love that’s unrequited.
A lightning in a jar.
A vault full to the ceiling.
A crater from a star.
Ravaging like war feeling.

Two is Courage, the push of death and glory.
A volcano of heart spewing out lava, caved in quarry.
A dagger cutting deep, the vicious territory.
Mistake to rue, the driving factor of the story.
A temporary elation.
A heavy pen to write with.
An abrupt deviation.
Wings and a tall cliff.

Three is Confession, the towering dam collapsed.
A diary in the sun, the voice of compassion and lust.
Naked truth and waterfall, an iron door trespassed.
A glimpse of the future, a ripe fruit of the past.
A dark room entered.
A pink envelope delivered.
An amatory venture.
Beauty in something shattered.

Four is Rejection, the end of the world.
Calamity made happen, melted candle and the cold.
The night killer, umbrellaless in a downpour.
Coins in ripped pockets, a fractured soul.
Debris of cards.
The shortest kiss.
Excess of stars.
A bullseye missed.

The fool has wandered into the woods.
The magician’s wand ain’t been in use.
The high priestess lights the way ahead.
The empress ebbs life into my head.
The emperor whets his iron sword.
The hierophant always shares his word.
The lovers fit like a lock and key.
The chariot drives me across the sea.
Strength moves my tongue as I disaccord.
The hermit’s a friend in someone’s void.
Wheel of fortune blesses and befalls.
Justice always tends to my ego.
The hanged man sees art in sacrifice.
Death must happen to create new life.
Temperance is torn when doubt takes part.
The devil sits on my face at dark.
The tower’s shadow swallows up mine.
The star whispers the lost to align.
The moon’s forest is where I sally.
The sun illuminates the valley.
The judgement stares deep into my soul.
The world I’ll live in I’ve seen before.

I don’t gotta go to Sacramento County to say I’ve slept in your embrace
San Francisco’s the farthest I got
and that was enough for me to realize that I love you.

My heart is a Motel 6
and in my hands I hold a keychain
to the room number 13
and to lend I charge no fee

You don’t gotta go God knows where to say you’ve slept in my embrace
just choose me outta other hotels strewn along the 99th hwy
or just stay where you are and I’ll come to you in a song or poem.
Cause love is magical and we’re stuck in that one doorway
leading to sequoias.
Cause there’s plenty of room in my heart - I wish to let you in
and the high and paranoia.

But when you need four walls to guard your heart, I’ve sent you my address
Just hit me up
and I’ll find a room.
Drive up my arms with your fingertips
and go up straight south of Tulare County.

Now I have a 100 things to do when I wake up without the blues.
Got a 100 reasons to bleed knowing a 100 ways to heal my wounds.
I dream for the two of us - it’s as far as I can see.
I never stray away.
Dream of shorelines in my sleep.
Bathe in them when lights come by
Never savor our time, since it’s all I’ll ever have.
I don’t stare into your eyes, since they’re all I’ll ever see.
Now I have a 100 reasons to look into your green eyes when I wake up without the blues.

We
We fell
We fell in love in a different universe.
We
We fell
We fell in love in a hopeful place.
Place your hand on mine, don’t take it away.
Face on my face, let’s make out till it’s late.
Wait till they figure out what’s going on,
behind close doors,
behind the walls.
Place where we are is unreachable.
Grace, I’m no longer scared of true love.
Ace of clubs, we’re just now falling in love,
wasn’t that long ago,
who would’ve really known.

We fell in love in a hopeful place.
Under palm trees in my favorite place.

Place I’m from it’s lost to corruption.
Hate to reiterate so don’t ask for more.
Save yourself pain, I’m a blank card now,
I’ve started over now,
pessimistic and low.

But we fell in love in a hopeful place.
Where stars come out, that’s my favorite place.

my face was reflecting starlight, sprinkled with stardust,
glowing bright in the moonlight,
are we in hollywood?
because i feel like the brightest star in the interstellar neighbourhood,
i say hi to my lover, then i say bye to my lover,
then i watch you disappear in the crowd
on the boulevard, that’s a few streets from here,
i feel like a star, like a movie star, when i perform for you,
when i perform just for you,

my legs were shaking like i was a supermodel
on a runway in the new york city,
but i was in polish hollywood,
a magical place that is everywhere my baby goes,
while watching you disappear slowly in the never-ending crowd,
i was trying to convince myself not to go after you,
but let them cover you instead,
cause if i follow you, i’m sure i’ll see things
i’ll never unsee,
like those you used to show me daily
and show still to make sure i will remember
who i used to call my whole world,
and later you would start an interview with me,
in which i’d forget how to speak,
in the shadow of the swaying trees,
on the side alley which doesn’t connect to other allies,
there would be only you and me, no audience needed,
but there’s nothing for me to say
other than hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
we have nothing to talk about, we never had - we never will,

thought i was lost when i lost you, like a sailor on a sinking boat
in the middle of a raging sea,
but no, it was just a movie that you were a director of
and i had the starring role,
i have absolutely no idea what the genre was - drama or a lame comedy,
it felt like we were famous in hollywood,
once we were touring the neighbourhood,
i was running freely in the pouring rain, wiped the droplets off my face,
then we were crossing the highway,
the other day i sat down after you knocked me out,
went on snapchat and revealed,
that i started writing poetry about you cause the things i feel
i will never say to you in person,
i’m brave, but your eyes are f*g giving me nightmares,
bittersweet dreams as well,
now it all is over and still the only things i say
are hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
and that goes over and over,

but not as often as before,
cause my hollywood is somewhere else now.

All his nonsense spitting got me tanning by the motel pool.
I left the trailer park.
I had to kool off soon.
Jack is always listening to me spitting nonsense about injustices and things you can’t change or rekindle.
He knows my songs by heart.
It’s him I kiss when I get drunk.

I wanna find it.
The right amount of nectar that deities get drunk on.
I wanna smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke into everyone’s face.
I wanna be okay.

All my friends are outta town and I’m on my gas station night shift.
Call my babe, he picks me up.
Fills up my entire will to live.
Jack puts me in the glass room of his mansion and stirs the thoughts that cause rot inside my head.
I shoot up his lies and they sound amazing.
They’re music to my tears, sand to my hourglass.
My veins get hot like lava, but I like seeing the world from his perspective.
I wanna get drunk of him.
But I’m really ******* sick of him.

I wanna find it.
I want calamities to perish and I wanna imagine a vision so good.
I wanna stay there.
But I know I can’t.

I want him to slap me across the face and take the pain away from my heart.
I’m really sick of him but I want him in every cell of my body.
Without his squeeze the world is gray and I’m tired of writing about hard feelings.
I wanna overdose on him.
But I know I’ll die.
Sometimes I think I already have so I get drunk and I’m back to life.

Go.

He and Malik aren’t friends.
But he’s famous for something.
He wears heavy metal on him.
Like he’s wanted for something.
Black leather tight and I can’t breathe.
But I’m fine with dying in Cali.
Mula-la is flying in the wind.
Jack, you’re as ****** up as me.
Oooh, black leather, *****.
Leather on my skin, mula-la is in the wind.
Ooh, blood-stopping grip.
Pouring his dark soul into my pre-opened wrists.
I wanna find it.
I wanna find it.
Someone like him but quite the opposite.
I hate to love him.
I’m so sick of him.
But I so love him.
He’s always got me.

Ryan, is Texas sunny?
Do you like it there?
I’ll love you if you give me a plane ticket to Dallas and conclude your harlot days.
Ryan, I’m just one of many.
No more than ordinary.
I’m almost ready to relearn how to love for my *** days are at an end.

You say you want a boyfriend and want things to stay the same.
I’d fight my nature but can’t, I turn like a weather vane.
Four familiar notes play and suddenly I’m Virgil Caine.
But you, sweet boy, you stay the same.

And you’re too sweet for me.
I don’t even mean to sugarcoat, but I think that.
I’d give you what you want, but the miles in between won’t let me get closer to you.
Must be warmer where you’re at.
In Texas.

You need something I have an abundance of and nobody to rain it on.
But you’re in Dallas and all I can do is write this poem.
So enjoy the weather.
Bathe in the sun.
And good luck in searching for the light of your life.

When I noticed you side-eyeing me smack dab in the middle of the square
I figured either you were just into me or that was a look of judgement
I didn’t get near
I remember what I sacrificed
Last man I liked I mistakenly tried to earn him and look what it got me
He’s nobody
My caricature
And he brings out the cold ***** in me
But the boy I saw at the pride parade
He was like me I could swear it on my life
He was with a group of friends alike
I was alone and feared that type
But he was so pretty I could wear his shirt after he wore it
Mend his heart after they tore it
I could change his life
Turn it into paradise
But I failed so many times
Say I did say hi
I did like you I…
You say I too
I look into your eye
Like I own this life
Fearlessly take you out on a sushi date or something
I know one thing
I’m the best you’ll ever have
But I can’t promise you’ll appreciate it
My last didn’t, his loss, he wasted it
But who is he when I have you
Across from me
Alive and true
We laugh at nothing
We want just one thing
Get to know you
Explain my emotional scars
Tell you about my music
Heartbeat of my heart
I follow your lead to your place
Netflix ta-dum, I’m on your lips
They taste like dragonfruit
Get drunk I would if I could
We keep at it and it’s getting late
I take your clothes off
Throw them aside
Dimming the light
Make love all night
Fall in love like they never did
Don’t care what they say to it
Be happy it worked out for us
Lucky this time
This could’ve been real had I not been so broken and said hi.

If that was you Camden I want to know why you came back to me after 4 years.
Your face looked familiar.
But the girl and guy from the polaroid were just there to fill the space.
We could’ve been together.
You could’ve taken me home to the state you grew up in.
Smoke something funny on the stoop.
Call your buddies over to hang out at dark.
I almost said hi when I saw you standing aimlessly by the main entrance of that fateful institution.
But I let my fears win.
I remember your IG handle but that was too much for me to handle to write you a message.
I didn’t wanna end up with you thinking I’m an idiot.
But you could’ve cause there’s men in this world who think that.
And I don’t care what they think of me.
But you said some things to me when we were on that green hill just before we split.
You could’ve talked to the actors but you chose me out of everyone there.
I know it was you.
You changed your IG handle so I can’t find you anymore, but I know your face.
And I wonder if you ever caught me looking.
If you ever knew my true intentions.
Now you’re just another American man who I could’ve made happy.
But you were just like the rest of them.
And I was broken.
Forever.

Vinyl spinning and my head too.
I paint my walls blue like the sky.
Lacy curtains in my bedroom.
And happiness is a spectrum.

Happiness is a choice, but not for everyone.
Happiness is a privilege I don’t always have.
Happiness is a road I’m still afraid to take.

And I used to be so crazy.
None of my friends know the songs I hum in bath.
I’m antique baby boy.
Me and Esther G would be chasing butterflies.

But she’s dead and I’m not.
I think of her watching limousines.
Let in the sun when it’s hot.
Cater the icon which I’m not.

Life is an illusion, it’s beyond what you can see.
Life is a deck, there’s cards you pull and deal.
Life is a gift, not everyone appreciates.

I used to love it like crazy.
My friends think I’m from a time machine from last century.
I’m antique baby boy.
And I used to be so crazy.

I’m in the highest tower picking petals off of flowers.
Listening to the sound of silence, this is what I do for hours.
It never was about the extremities of youth which everyone had.
I lay on the bed.
I keep account of the boys I yearned for but I never had.
Like a princess in the highest tower I spent my best years.
An endless pandemic it is.
I do dust angels, dust angels.
I’m a ******.
I’m a harlot.
I’m God’s favorite.
A dragonslayer’s love interest.
But in this tower I’ve no choice but to stay.
My prince must’ve died on his way.

One blue day I had a bizarre vision
There was something fishy in the air
Stood up and looked out of the window
My eyes grew wide
Like porcelain saucers
Your heart became
Cried on your back and begged you to stop
But you didn’t listen
Because electricity took over your brain
You were corrupted
And I was so ******* scared of voltage
So scared you would change me irrevocably

I couldn’t think of any possible reasons
Maybe I’m just too dumb to understand
Why you freed your newborn demons
And watched them sink into quicksand
It was you who got taken away
I’ve been trying to fix you all day
But you couldn’t stop
Cause you were already in phase two
You gained so much power
That your volts broke through my head
Your telephone wires imprisoned me

And my veins became your wires

The disco ball makes its ascent.
Libération tastes sweet in its light.
My *** looks juicy in those jeans.
But love’s the last thing I’ll find tonight.
They sever soul chains at gay clubs.
Play house, I’m a fluorescent sprite.
Dead fly resting in peace in LED lamps.
Here’s the only place I can stop trying.

Weeping at the club.
Feeling unbearably unlovable.

Gasping for fresh air.
They’re playing my song on the floor.

Dance your heartbreak away ***.
You’re not alone in your feelings.

My peace is threatened.
When I fall into the whirlpool of love.

Dancing in my corner and
Pray the night would never end.
Dancing in my corner and
Try not to think ‘bout no him.
Dancing in my corner and
I’m noticed by a new hot man.
Going up the stairs tipsy
Tell him I’m a love gypsy.
Going up the stairs tipsy
Wait for him to undress me.
Going up the stairs tipsy
But I wish I was in love instead.

I got a situation.
Brave, brave, brave, give me an ovation.
But it’s only indications.
I’m not making moves of exclamation.
There’s been escalation, isolation, tension.
But I wish I could skip it.
It hurts when you smile.
I wish I was the one in your arms and not at this gay club.
Lord, help my situation.
I’m doing my best.
Brave, brave, brave, and I’m the best.

Weeping at the club.
Drowning thoughts of solitude in my drink.

Two men holding hands.
I’d trade my all to experience this ****.

Back in the restroom.
His face is like a floater in my eyes.

I’m going out again.
I guess I’ll go for the closest high.

The glamorous moon makes its descent.
Back into the battlefield of complex feelings.
My eyes have bags and covered in veins.
Last drink till I slide back to just being.
I feel surrounded by joy in gay clubs.
These guys take loneliness better than me.
I go there to refill my heart’s prowess.
Stare deep into the galaxies on the ceiling.