I let them watch my spiral from an angel to a *******
I let them talk ****, now I’m immune to it
First you love that I’m depressed, then you’re mad I’m living life
You think a dehydrated man wouldn’t chug on water, like?
I let them watch my spiral
I let them watch my climb
I let them watch me cry
Now I let them watch me live my life

It ain’t love language if we need a translator.
It ain’t true if I put together our signs on multiple websites until it said we stood a chance.
He’s a failed experiment.
Not only cause I almost had him but cause he looks like one.
I was right to call him baby, cause he’s my son.
When he hears Lana Del Rey he thinks of me.
It’s so girlcore of me.
Ugh, the urge to dress up in dollette.
And lie all day rotting in my bed.
So much for a brat summer.
Ugh, the way he’s caught up in me.
I said I’d give him heaven but I gave him hell.
I remember the look of his all too well.
But he deserved to land the wrong side of the coin.
When he hears Lana it’s my pretty face he sees.
It’s so funny to me.

I think of going underground
But I’m not even mainstream.
I think I wanna change my sound
But I write poetry, not music.
Ostentatious maybe, but I’m openly a criminal now in 64 countries.
They want me underground.
It’s exactly why I, an introvert, wanna go to the club.
Long locked away from life, need for air, tryna feel super hot.
I think of going underground
Down below where only my people go
Go silent but not taking vows
I wanna get high and drunk and feel the love.
Make it tangible and feel it fill me up.
Always live up and never be downed.
I think of deleting my social media more than I thought I would when I had fame.
Devote my time to reading tarot and cast aside the pain of the figurative athame.
The fame, the fame, the looks, when they look it feels like I’m some way of famous.
Infamous, the word, venomous, the world, but I know now I’m not the one that’s blasphemous.
I think of going underground.
Just get lost in the crowd.
Blend in with the boring people though I really can’t think of how.
Flamboyant soul like a peacock but I don’t want the clout.
The peace I have I prayed for
And I want more achievements ‘fore I’m in the ground.
Anxiety’s on my scent like a hound
But I’m not bound to the anchor pulling me way way down.
Leave this town and I’ll see for myself the things and places that keep me out of that hole.
Being this bad feels surprisingly good like the vibrations in my body when the song’s beat drops.
You must hate me either cause I’m fine year-round or cause you’re down for the count.
I wanna go underground.
Yup, **** it, I wanna get out.

The knife you cut me with
You hold it with pride
But you don’t know how it feels to be proud.
You would still hurt me if you knew
how painful violence is.
You’d slit my throat if you knew you’d get away with it.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I hide the pain so well you keep taking more and more.
You don’t have the satisfaction of poking through my soul.
You wouldn’t know the pain.
Cause you know only bliss.
You never held hands and got called out at the streets.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I’m proud that I’m still standing.
Tougher on the surface but inside there’s still emotion.
Your devotion to break me penetrates through.
But I’m over listening.
Taking it into my heart.
You may think I’m going to hide
But I’m walking away with pride.

Claudia, you’ve had it rough.
Now lie down and think to yourself.
When the sun rises tomorrow, what will you wear?
Claudia, forget all my sins.
I thought you knew people change.
Your eyes are full of sorrow and the world’s in your hair.

You’re convinced you’ll be a star.
And tired, we know you are.
You’re trying, I see that too.

I won’t lay in your arms and I won’t be your lover.
Remember to stay strong and remain sober.
People that hurt you, they’ll burn in hell someday.
Promise you’ll keep fighting long as you can, girl.

Claudia, you’re headaches will end long as you know the truth from the lies.
No man will bore you out of sadness.
Won’t make you happy, cause I tried.
Claudia, now travel south to high grounds if you don’t wanna end up flooded.
Wear perfume and your favorite color.
Made up your mind what to wear tomorrow?

You’re convinced, yeah, you are.
You’ll become a star.
You’re trying, see it in you.
I believed in you when nobody would.
Invite me to your star in Hollywood.
Nothing wrong in being misunderstood.
Cause I got you.
Yes, I got you.

I’m dichromatic, dual, duplex.
But I’ll love you all the same.
I’m just unsure if you hate or love me.
Wonder that crying into the drain.

You were the first of them.
In the beginning it was just us.
And you were the worst of them.
My genesis, the wildest card.
I sang for you at the shower head.
I knew I overdid it.
But if you knew how much I needed
you.

But if you sent for me, my love,
I’d always be your love.
I would have done everything for you.
I adored you.
And if you needed me, my love,
I’d always guard your heart.
All I’m saying I’d lived for you.
Only for you.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man,
oh yeah.

I was walking by the houses.
Took your hand like a communion wafer.
Wore a dark veil for my flaws.
And for cuts on my face like paper.
God, he made me feel like a freak.
But I was too in love to care about that.
It wasn’t Eden, was barren and bleak.
Blade into heart when I woke up after.

You were my main reason to live.
And a potential reason for my death.
Your love was unhealthy like drugs.
My death certificate, my love confession.
But I yearned for light.
And light came to me.
I turned to cry.
No one turned to me.
And you were the beginning of my poetic voyage, idiot.
I can’t say you weren’t cause you were, and I thank you for it.

But if you didn’t turn my love
down, I’d always be your love.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man…

As long as I don’t fall apart, I can live a little broken.
As long as I don’t feed that demon, I can make it starve.
Falling back into the basement, I think I need repentance.
Rising up to treetops I wish I could fly away.

Do you accept your fate?
I ask myself.
It’s an easy question, I have no say.
Before I die I want to wish to not want it.
Life is beautiful, but why is death so wanted.

I don’t want to die.
I’m not depressed.
But I envy those who already passed.
It gets hard sometimes.
Way over my head.
But despite it all.
I remain on this earth.

I lost so much in my life, but I still find joy.
My heart broke so much, I can’t count anymore.
I tell God I need strength, and after that it comes.
I don’t care what may come, I don’t care anymore.

Do you accept your fate?
Blue heaven, open up.
I want to wish to cheat death and live till I can’t stand up.
I worry about myself, but I still dream so much.
I wanna love a boy till I can’t give him up.

I mean it when I say I don’t mind cracks in me.
As long as I’ll be fine, I wanna stay and live.
I’m not depressed but it gets really hard sometimes.
I need assurance but I don’t know who to ask.

Do you accept your fate?
I ask myself.
I wanna say I do, but I just can’t.

what is the definition of hope?

you can read about it on wikipedia,
as you can make yours,

for me:
it doesn’t have feathers,
it’s not even pretty,
trust me - it has more flaws,
than there are stars in the night sky,

hope falls in love with people,
it’s an unusual kind of love,
hope cheers me on,
hope shows me the way,
hope stays with me,
not like the others,
who i’ve shown how motley i am,

how to maintain hope?

you don’t find it - it finds you,
as you start to feel,
as you become vulnerable,
and it follows you around,
like a loving animal,

even when those evergreen meadows,
that delight your eyes,
get greatly desaturated,
hope fights off the evil,
lurking in the dense thickets,
that used to be rose bushes,

and as life gives me snippets of tomorrow,
and i see how dark it is,
i believe i’ll find a light source,
brighter than a lighthouse,
or a star,

you are safe.

Love yourself like you wish to be loved.
Love others like it’s why you were born.
Love God for he answers all your questions.
I don’t have bad intentions.
I just want to spread love.

Love my daughter in heaven, forever.
My parents for giving me a life to build.
I don’t hate those who hurt me.
I forgave all just to save me.
Maybe this is how I’ll enjoy my life.

To keep my head above water.
Head above the blue.
If happiness’s a door
Maybe love’s the key, I can tell it’s true.

To keep me from losing my way.
To keep me from losing my faith.
Maybe if I keep on letting go.
I can move on without dead weight.

I’m doing it for you and for me.
Living, not sure if I’m meant to be happy.
But I’ll keep on breathing.
Believing.
Forgiving.
Because my intentions aren’t bad.
I’ll do good, promise to God.
I’ll make my family real proud.
I’ll see my kid again, daddy loves you, I’ll be there at the rainbow gates.
And I’ll keep living.
And living.
And living.

Nothing such as the nagging feeling whether it’s love or a one week thing.
A perfect mixture of affection and greed but never sure if they blend well.
On the water surface there’s ripples and watercolor palaces.
Like spilled paint.
Dancing from left to right.
Is it wrong or right?
He’s cute but I already got someone.

I never lock the gate to my personalities manor.
I’m in Denmark but I wish I was with him in Oregon.
It’s most likely a come-and-go kind of situation.
But regardless, I wish he was here watching the buildings dance.
Their reflections.
That resplendent street in Copenhagen.
It’s like they melted like I melted when I met him.
Like a watercolor palace.

one man in a hundred is beautiful
one in a thousand is kind
one in a million could be mine
but the stars, they don’t always align
it’s an astral lottery.

my middle school crush was straight
my high school crush was a cult leader
my college crush was a loser
and each was stronger than the other.

my first “boyfriend” made it hard to love him
my second never told me everything
my third I left cause he took more than gave
and my fourth is still somehow holding on
but it’s not like you think.

but the stars don’t always align
why won’t a man like you, Adrian, bump into me and help me pick my things up
it’s these miracles you read about that make you question
do I even deserve this
am I good enough to win in this
astral lottery.

I don’t drink
and I don’t party either
don’t do drugs
and not because of fear

I’m 21, but a rock solid introvert
social anxiety has me seeking cover
thoughts like stallions, I need to hold my horses
just sad
I’m way too young to be thinking about…

let’s not go down the rabbit hole
I’m not Alice
know no malice
but I’m not soft

why don’t we just go downtown
hit the store
our boulevard
lagoon palace

I cried for years knowing my baby was gonna die
and when she did it took me three days to stop
I was out of tears
and aware of afterlife
two nights after she visited me asleep just to say she was fine

and on the nights I cried in advance
I could’ve drunk or danced
but I didn’t
it’s all awfully sad
I should be living my youth, it’s bad
I’m too young to be thinking about…
death.

Aquamarine swimming costumes don’t make me blend in enough.
Pearls poked through and imprisoned with a string hanging about.
Just want to kiss you on the bridge.
Bend you backwards over the railing as we do.
Stare at the blue lights in the swimming pool.
Most of all be with you.
I opened like a pearl from the ocean depths.
But I think I’m closing up again.

Wonder what you think of me.
If you said you needed me right now, I’d break my back to be there.

I often contemplate how you perceive me.
And if I were a magician, still wouldn’t read your mind.
Let the truth be hidden.

But don’t you think I’m marrying you for the money, boy.
It’s not true.
Don’t let my attitude fool you.
I’m not mean, just defensive.
And I think I’m closing up again.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
Or weaken my faith in the divine.

Take my hand.
Take me home.
Blessed me from the start, I need you today.
But please don’t tell me to keep my head up and pray for a miracle.
I need a miracle.
I need it today.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
You can’t tell me I’m wasting my time.
Or weaken my faith in something otherworldly.
It’s a new addition to myself.
I’ve been living off of faith.

So take my hand.
Take me to safety.
Bless me every morning, I need you all the time.
But please don’t tell me to bow down any harder and put on constraints.
I don’t need your help.
I’m living on my faith.

Forget the dogmatic ******* and love me.
Like you would if we weren’t at the verge of crucifixion.
Lay pink leaves along the way to the bathroom and I’ll leave you.
That would be too cliché for someone my type.

I love cherry blossom trees, take me there.
I love you boy, please love me back.
Forget the stares and talking.
Know I’ll always be walking under cherry blossoms if you take me to one.
So take me to one.
I get so obsessive in love it’s just too much.
But take me to one anyway.

I was in the Hollywood Hills somewhere.
And baby I was feeling peaceful there.
Sitting in the back of a Starline car.
Drive wasn’t long, didn’t take me far.
I don’t really care now,
under the same sky with supernovas.
Been to hell and heaven now,
feeling alive since I got over.

Mount Lee.
Everything.
Everybody.
Red, yellow and pink.
Stan Lee.
Never seen.
But I believed.
Angels visit Earth frequently.
Sipping sangrias, driving Bentley.
Venice ***** on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m drinking.

I met someone down at the Walk of Fame.
Hurt for too long, was it worth the wait?
Soon I’m packing up, leaving this city.
Thinking about her cause really she saved me.
I saw the sky turn dark blue.
Scared thinking I wasn’t honest.
Eclipse that later ensued.
Made me get over time another.

Peg, pick up the phone.
I’m not quoting you this time.
Peg, I’m home alone.
Falling off the edge of crying.
I failed, yes.
But I made me a life worth living.
I survived worse things and I’m still here.
I’m still not gone and I’m still here.

Mount Lee.
Dollar bills.
******.
Hard rain, rough wind.
Chun-Li.
Memories.
Things I’ve never seen.
Demons visit Earth frequently.
Emptying JD, driving Lambs and ****.
Hellfire’s on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m still here.

Want to be loved
Born to be a *****
Want to hold hands
Born to hold mimosas
They say that even if it flatlines or falls, it’s a lesson.
But what if I’ve learned enough?
What if I just wanna receive a meaningful hug.
A kiss that actually feels romantic.
Cause how am I supposed to sing “Everything is romantic” and not believe it.
If it falls, least I can say I did my best.
And though I think I’m not there yet.
It feels amazing.

Powerful.
Beautiful.
That’s what you are.
Spotlight and the dark.

Want to be in love
Born with a high taste
Want to be cute
Born to shake ***
I guess my problem is, that I’d hate to be cliche
I like twinks who barely eat and who don’t play love games
If it makes me discouraged and I’m mad at him
I just wait for him to smile and cure my jealousy
It feels so amazing.
And you know you’re ready to settle down
when messaging torsos doesn’t fill that hole anymore.
**** can’t fill the hole in your soul.

You’re beautiful.
Just look at you.
And if you’re lonely know
God has someone else for you.
Cause you deserve the very best.
And quality takes time.
You’re so powerful.
You still have the time.

I survive off of coffee and daytime drinking.
Thinking if this semester will end me.
I imagine us doing nothing and everything.
How it’d feel to rest my head on your shoulder.
Sometimes how it’d feel for you to bend me.
Maybe if I was bolder.
I’d get you just like that.
But I’m who I am.
And I love me like that.

I used to hate me.
I thought I was
unlovable
not beautiful.
But after all the mending.
Soul reinforcing.
I finally know.
I’m beautiful.
Worth it.
Lovable.
Fun.
Kissable.
Strong.
Resilient.
Megatron.
You think you can break my soul, my heart, my faith, *****, why don’t you try.
I hated me.
But I love myself.
So can you.
Feel like I.
Want cuddles and sweet talk.
Born to **** **** in gay clubs.
Struggle to make small talk.
But *** thick and lips pop.
But it’s not defining of me.
I’m not giving my love up.
I’m worthy of loving.
I’m worthy of loving.
I’m fabulous.
I’m a star.
I get so discouraged.
When boys turn me down.
But I shouldn’t stop trying.
I’ll find the right one.
I just wish I was with you.
Under sheets laughing at
childhood stories.
Drinking whiskey with schnapps.
Ranking pop girls.
Playing Don’t Starve.
Texting you goodnight.
Good morning my love.
Jumping in puddles.
Blowing out bubbles.
24/7 what?
You knew I’d say cuddles.
You know me so well.
Like no one ever.
Not even the friends.
Who I met in preschool.
Don’t worry, be cool.
I don’t judge.
I’ll be your lover.
Your friend and defender.
Your idol and fan.
Your second amendment.
I’ll jump a *****.
If they pose you a threat.
And pose for a picture.
Then give you some head.
I’ll do it all.
I got it all in me.
Just cause I ain’t tried.
Doesn’t mean it’s not true.
So let me love you.
I think you’re sweet.
Like a 1996.
Luscious cherry.

And so can you.
If you learn to love yourself.
Love will find you too.
And even though it’s hard sometimes.
Brighter days are coming up.
You’re strong.
Hugs you
Megatron

I never thought I’d revisit your street.
But here I am.
I never thought I’d pass your house.
Not going in.
We had little to do, but a lot to talk about.
I chased the American Dream, you followed your heart.
Seven years is a lot, lot of time to think about.
And since then I met nobody who knew how to work my heart.

I didn’t love you and you didn’t love me neither.
So why am I back next to your lot?
It wasn’t sweet at all and yet it wasn’t bitter.
So why do I miss that a lot?

It was something neutral, but something at least.
I never pretended to love you, but we had a good thing.

I could’ve promised more to make you stay.
Could’ve bought you flowers to wilt away.
I could’ve done so much to show I cared.
But what I should’ve said on the first day:
I’m not gonna love you like you want.
That’s one thing I wish I’d disclosed.
You talked about our lives after I marry you.
And I replied: Yes, I suppose.

It was something real, however seemed so fake.
I never pretended to love you to set the record straight.
So why am I back next to your lot?
You hid some thoughts from me, yet I miss you a lot.
And whatnot.

I don’t want money and I don’t want fame
infamy is enough
and his touch like a water drop on my wilting flower

I could just play house with him
why go to work
when we can lie and swing
in the balcony
light shining over me
let you undress me
it’s what you do best with me

I haven’t had the will to talk lately
the rambunctiousness in me has gone dry
like a wilting flower
watching us kiss against the mirror
you telling me we’re gonna break it
and I just had my 7 years of bad luck
so I don’t care

you take me down the elevator
to buy nachos and two coke bottles
just to empty them over woke shows and cuddles
I wanna be jumping into puddles
not into conclusions
I wanna fake my death and start over
in Rosemead where I’ll be having said I made it
smile and roll over

I hate when things get complicated
I hate when I feel so alone that your touch feels like a daydream
like a shadow
just imaginary
like you’re farther than you actually are and I’ve been lying to myself
to keep me happy
but I’m not happy when I’m without you
I don’t wanna do anything except kiss your lips and sleep at night with you
that’s honestly the only thing I have the will to do
but it’s not like I’m dead inside
just a little dry
like a wilting flower

Dark hair, cute eyes, yes, I like that.
But it’s not everything about a man I want.
My fetish is honesty, realness, when he listens.
When he tells me I said the same thing twice.
If you think that we’re not meant then don’t prolong it.
What’s meant to crash will crash anyway.
And don’t you ever break my heart for fun.
It’s always been my least favorite metaphor.
And my least favorite reason to run.

Cause my heart doesn’t break.
If they told you I scream your name at midnight it was fake.
But don’t you say a word to your friends.
I know your address.
Why don’t you straight up say it to my face.
That you knew we were not meant and let me crash into you.
You closed the gate in the last second.
Was quite the explosion.
And I still remember that look on your face.
It was so unattractive.
That smell of a sweet fruit that’s gone stale.
My kink is real **** but you were just fake.

And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.
Cause my heart doesn’t break.
And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.

I did it again.
I am a victim of self abasement.
I let my fear get the best of me.
Take a smile away from me.
I’m falling back into the basement.

Awake from a nap feeling hot and sweaty in your arms.
You say I’ve been out for an hour and I get slightly sad.
That’s one less hour with you.
We have so much to do.
Why don’t we leave the four walls and lay under a fern.
In the long shade over our faces.
We can count birds or try to capture butterflies by hands.
Not too much force cause we don’t wanna crush them.
Nameless lover, can I finally call you by your name?
Give me your top albums.
I’ll listen to every one of them.
I’ll listen to them on my times away when I miss you.
Hope you’re listening to them then too.
We can listen to them together.
Add places to the list of places where I kissed you.
The bridge that’s slippery in winter.
A crowded bus stop.
That alleyway with tree branch arches.
Under the silk, thin as paper sheets.
Set boundaries so we don’t build on quicksand.
If there’s something I should know, shoot.
When you’re not in the mood to **** I’ll understand.
I’ll warm up a pillow, tuck you into bed.
I’ll make you laugh despite what’s happening.
Never bring you hurt deliberately.
Share every feeling that crosses my heart.
Tell you the proportions and the magnitude of the love I’ve developed for you.
I want to show it to you.
Beautiful like a flowering tree in the beginning of spring.
Watch it sway knowing you feel the same.
I want to love you, can I call you by your name?
Can we run away for a weekend?
Before they report us missing we’ll be swimming in the water.
The heavy cloth accentuating your body.
Your skinny waist.
Your shoulders I love to place my head on.
Then I can crack two beers and have a two-people party.
Or we can grab coffee downtown.
Walk instead of drive.
Enjoy the bright building walls and the fumes pouring out or cars.
Oh, so romantic.
Counting roadkill can be romantic when you’re with the person you love.
I wanna be the first person you think of calling when you feel crushed.
First person you call to share good news with.
First person on your people ranking.
Your comfort person.
I’d put you above Bianca and my profesora.
I’ll ask you whether I should have chili or smoked tofu.
Need to know which you prefer.
And not write that in a notebook cause that’s corny but remember it.
The most minute things.
I wanna feel like home to you.
An oasis.
A well in a desert.
Summertime dessert.
Supportive boyfriend.
Freak in bed.
Your #1 poet.
Dry and wet.
Hot and cold.
Day or night.
I wanna drop that pronoun and call you by who you are.
I want to hear it from your lips that I’m gorgeous even when my hair’s not done.
That the bags under my eyes are cute.
That my outfit is cunty.
That I’m not beyond change when I feel broken beyond repair.
I’d tell you I’m so proud to be yours.
Tell the whole world if you’re okay with that.
And if you’re not ready to shine alongside me, I’ll respect that.
I’ll not take it as you being ashamed of me like someone I sort of dated.
I’ll make compromises.
I’ll stay true to my promises and not churn them out like poems to bend into airplanes and throw to the wind.
But if you don’t care about what they will say I’ll show you off.
Like a diamond.
Like my proudest possession which you are.
We could go to pride together.
Pose for pictures and cause homophobes to fume.
Share perfume.
Share secrets.
Share pictures we took.
Nameless lover, **** the names of people who misunderstood you.
Not for calling you a *****.
But for raining on your parade and mine too.
God, I wish we could fold paper boats and push them forward on the flooding streets.
French kiss in the pouring rain.
Limited visibility but your face’s in front of me.
Polaroids and soulmate wristbands.
Cringy **** like that makes sense now.
But no cringy wedding vows cause we most likely won’t have that.
And don’t want that.
Do we?
We can start a garden.
Plant seeds and watch them grow.
Just to spend time out in the sun.
Go for runs toward the seaside town and walk back worn out.
Make mistakes together.
Sleep together.
Eat together.
Drink together.
Laugh together.
Cry together.
Travel together.
Be together.
Nameless lover, I want to reveal your name.
I want this.
I’ll give you everything I have.
It took reconnecting with nature and deep thinking sessions to come up with a conclusion.
But I’m sure of it.
I don’t know what I saw in those boys before.
To me you’re the prettiest boy in the world.
I love to say your name.
It’s like an angel’s kiss.
Candy melting in my mouth.
Addictive substance.
But a healthy kind of addiction.
You make me so mad sometimes but I recognize my jealousy.
I wish you would only talk to me.
Question why you don’t smile at me but do I smile at you?
Do I bombard you with compliments?
I’m fighting my shyness.
I am into you.
I apologize if I ever made you feel unseen or if I came off mean to you.
I’m very much in love with you.
I truly don’t know if you’re into me.
I can see the signs but then I question everything.
Why aren’t you making more moves?
You’re the more outgoing one.
And your extroverted nature terrifies me more than death.
But I’d rather die fighting for your love than give up now.
What if you’re unsure too and await me to start a conversation to make sure I’m willing to get to know you and you’re not clingy.
I adore talking to you.
I find little things about you adorable.
I sometimes can’t look at you because of how pretty you are.
I hope I get to address you in a future poem by your name.
I hope this ends well.
Cause I don’t know how this one will end.
I am out of ideas.
But never out of willpower to fight.
After all I want this.
I want you to be mine.

Every time you see me I look better.
And I coulda had it had I wanted it.

Not to overuse the H word but
I hope my mirror isn’t lying to me.
I hope you get the hints I drop.
Cause they ramble so hard when they bounce on the floor.
That I don’t hold eye contact with anyone that talks to me.
There’s so much going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about.
There’s so many things I keep inside that I wish you’d know about.

Cloud nine, I’m in the aether.
I haven’t felt this fresh in forever.
Summer, smooth like aluminum.
I take a sip, it’s refreshing, it’s heaven.
That mojito in my gums.
That hot dog in my buns.
That highest self esteem.
It’s almost like you’re already mine.
I see you everywhere.
Your smile haunts me beautifully.

Even in my sleep I see it.
I wake up, first thing I feel it.
But I still go to gay clubs to get drunk.
But I don’t get attached to these twinks cause I’m in love.
Not to misuse the L word but
I love how I feel when you look at me.
When I see you look in my peripherals.
And when I catch you staring too.
Must mean I love you?

Every time I see you, you look prettier.
You take gorgeous to the next level.
I’ve been so on edge and I’m about to fall
into you.
This feels like a fever dream.
A roller coaster to sound cliché but it’s true.
What helps is knowing no one’s in my way to you.
I’m my only competition.
And though some days I doubt it’ll come to fruition
I’m still on a mission.
And you’ll say “no” to my gorgeous corpse with jewels around my neck.
Cause I’m not walking away like that.
Not when I can rise above all or miserably fail.

But I believe in victories.
Cause every time you see me I look better.
I’m on that endorphin diet.
And in feels all over the air.
I coulda had it had I wanted it.
But I know what I deserve.

The topic of relationships makes my blood boil lava hot.
Cause I’m stuck between a hard place and a rock.
And I can’t get out.
I started doing with my hair what I was told by my ex who I didn’t love.
And I must say I look a way I never thought I could - fan me off hot.
It’s just a matter of time before they realize my blood-drenched love affair.
He knows.
It’s going nowhere.
And he knows about that too.
But I’m digging and digging till there’s blood but I’m at it still.
And I ask myself why is it.

I’m rock hard, I don’t bounce back.
I can give up for myself.
Cause this is not serving me well.
It rocks me by my made hair, head against the mirror and it breaks.
It’s against me in so many ways.
I catch you staring at me.
But won’t acknowledge me.
It’s the gay reality.

My feelings exist and I think he feels the same way about me.
And it seems too good to squander after a dozen failed romances.
I say those *******’ names as a mantra.
But it’d be harder to stay and I’m hard and don’t bounce back.
I said I was done with him but won’t delete his pictures, wonder why.
Those bravery outbursts, I treat as tantrums.
I can’t sleep without pretending your arms are shielding me.
I can say I deserve better but it’s your name I repeat when alcohol hammers me.
The diminutive form of it.
I’d like to see a smile form on your gorgeous face when I tell you it.
I need liberating.
It’s exhausting me.
But it’s so sweet I’ll miss it when you’re gone.

I’m rock hard, but I’m also soft.
I don’t wanna give him up.
Even though this is destroying me.
Incapacitates me mentally.
It drives me crazy, crazy, crazy.
But what’s crazy is that I still don’t have enough.
It rocks me like Courtney Love and I love this headbanger.
Fender ******.
Atomic bomb.
The little things, they tend to grow.
I left my heart unattended and his vines grew over it.
It’s oddly comforting to me.
When I catch him staring.
But he won’t admit it for some reason.
**** this gay reality.

Use me.
This bussy’s for sale.
Ghost in the sheets?
I’m a guy but I’m that girl.
I’m ******* gay as ****:
I need **** right now.
I shaved my body for who?
Not my stupid crush?

The realization that I’m single?
No ***** can break my heart.
I’m a pathological liar.
I never had a boyfriend.
My life from in my poems is a lie.
If that’s what you wanna call it.
Call it, but I prefer the word fantasy.
I’ll continue to soar right above it.
Or fall head first into the sad gayality.