I
Am not afraid of dying
As you are
I am not
Afraid of dying
With the dread
that you are
I am
Not afraid of dying
on the same level

I'll tell you the story
Sometime
When you stop with the winglessness

Anastazia*

            'Bubbly?'
I'll pass
                 shrug
           'Your funeral'
Hey. Do you ever noticed that the word* fun
is in funeral? I do. All the time.
                shrug
         'Hey. Don't be morbid.'
                pause
         'I don't like funerals. There's never enough alcohol.'
Yeah.
Never enough for you.
You crazy lush
Why do I love you?
                    shrug
Guess I asked it
out loud

I don't know if
                
                   what a terrible mundane

We can't go with

                   don't talk to me about staying sane

Please don't guard shift

                  you really don't grasp my brain

Did I happen yesterday?
Did I see the sun?

Did I happen yesterday?
Where can I find a nook
To tell you what I stole?
Did I happen yesterday?

Intoxicating run
Purpled ink flowing free
Instead of eking blood

When shall we say the things we know?
When do you let me in?
Did I happen yesterday?
Is telling life a sin?

Sometimes I think
"I'm losing my mind"
It hurts me to realize
That we aren't built to survive
I wish
That we could want life
Instead of this clamor to die
Sometimes imaginary words
Can't heal
The black and blue hues of old harms

I...
I just want to wait it all out
Maybe if I cry enough tears I can drown
But I...
I don't want to make any more holes
And I don't want to feel any weaker
So why, why can't we pretend
That this never happened

Next time, maybe, I'll withstand your storm
And next time, I will try to be prepared
Next time I won't get that close
I'll know what's hot enough to burn me
I find it hard to care
That you "didn't mean to"
Next time, I won't be so naive
And I'll be more than ready

So I...
I will find a way out
And I will not sacrifice myself for you
I...
I am growing old
And tired of litanies of lies
You will not meet my eyes
As you apologize
But I don't need you to

I have got something to tell you
That you might not want to hear
Or maybe you will. Want to.
I sometimes
When I'm calling you,
will dial my home phone,
Which is silly, because I've
had your number memorized since
8th grade
But I think it's because you feel like home
in my definitions of the world
And you make me feel at home
In myself

If I lean a little closer
To your smoky-smelling vest

If I kiss a little slower
As you breathe your dying breath

If I tell you that I love you
As the tears roll down your cheeks

If I stay to hold your hand
As days turn into weeks

If you don't need me anymore
Because you are all healed

If I don't recognize you now
Because the past is sealed

If you find yourself alone again
But long for one last chance

If you whisper my name to me
I may spare you a glance