imagine in the dead underneath
a ghost
of every lie ever told.

you were always best at
turning brides to widows.

the darkness came.
it stole almost everything.
one day it asked if i could spare a little more.
it kept asking.
every day the voice grew louder and louder.
so loud that i began to give freely.
i gave and gave.

i invited the dark thing in,
to see all that i had hidden away.
i smiled at the new friend i had made.

year after year, it came to visit.
then one day i wondered how the sun would feel. i stumbled out toward the light but the darkness ran after me.
it ******* my hands and took the key.

when you wake at noon
i watch your slow movements - your veins traced by sunlight.
the veil of night lifted from your tired eyes.
the open window reminds us of summer's end,
and the inevitable.

i loved you by the river,
your hair pressed into the rain-soaked sand and dead leaves.
caught up in the morning's faintest glow. the firefly lit evening.
of all my spinning thoughts, swirling and dying;
there was you.
my hand on your knee, i kissed you at the traffic stop.
you are blue and red all at once. both winter and summer.
a gift given in secret, tucked away into hollowed bones.

when blue eyes are enough. wrists painted white to cover up your scars.
i said i never loved you,
but i lied.
to protect you from the dark in me.
all of my broken pieces, hidden in the darkest corner
of the last room down the longest hall-
and the walls i built won't crumble
standing strong for too long now,
your hands won't set me free this time
your arms won't hold me still this time.

touch me until i break apart.
bones collapse under the weight of your hands.
we are the same but separate.
i think of you
but i'm dying.
help me see the center.

will we be breathing in the same sun again?
i have so much to say but it comes out wrong. ten summers passed and i can still see those plants reaching for the sun.
young and messy in grayscale sheets.
will we see another spring?
i wrote a story that i'm afraid to read. my hands shake too much to turn the pages. water washing through my life.
string lights on the bedpost guide me through memories.
muddy pieces stuck together and blurred lines that i can't make out.
behind my eyes i know you wanted
what was out of reach. pin up my arms and legs
because i don't know how to do any of this without you.

the low-lying fog lit up by the streetlights
echoes
tree branches look like hands
reaching out as
winter comes to claim me again.

i broke the bread and drank the wine
but my hands will never be clean.

pulled down by those same old fears.
neck deep, regret keeps you there-
just enough air left to breathe and remember.

he never dreams anymore. the thought of sleep
swirling around, brushing against his skin.
the image of a life before this burned upon his eyes.

he whispers as the sky falls dark.
"god, please let me drown."

the moon shines bright
so alone in that great big, black sky.
i wonder if it ever feels like i do.

and i wonder if anyone can hear me anymore.

when you were made,
your bones were dipped in gold.
your hair formed from the grass in the sea.
you washed up, still breathing
but i found you too late.

there are things i've loved too fondly.
the cool kiss of summer's rain
the first day of spring
high tide sweeping across my feet.

much like you, they come and they go.

what separates my bones from the sea
shells break with every crashing wave
tiny lives destroyed and swept out
never to be seen again.

you said, "that's the way of it."

at night my mind spirals
thoughts as loud as wolves protecting their young.

sometimes when you break things
you keep a few pieces around
to remember what you loved when it was whole,
to remember how you felt when you broke it.

you are summer's longest day.
apollo, the light is yours and you are mine.

lay your body down on the
sun
soaked
ground
and love me again.

love me so long until i have forgotten
the slow passage of winter.

there are a hundred things that i could say --
tell me that love is real.
we are alone. it is dark. it will always be dark.
the sun lifts the shadows for a moment
and then the light falls away.

eyes falling and watching through white walls
a hospital bed and a phone call
a book with your number written inside.

hiding under the covers again
i can tell you won't answer this time.
could i just see you and remember?

waves crashing but nothing washes away. every year for nothing.
i listen to the same songs then press delete.
who i was matters a little less every time.

she said she remembers you laughing
and confusing colors with the sun.
that summer day in the rain, you were brilliant
your smile as big as the sea
the boards creaking on our white washed porch.

your fingers in my hair like lightening
my lips brush against you
i close my eyes and pretend that it's over

oh what one moment can do to the soul
the damage done, forever unchanged.

there is a song to be heard in the great, wild wood
rustling leaves, emerald green
birds calling after one another
i stand in the rain, watching their wings
travel from branch to branch
i see the green grass curling around my toes
and wish that i could be as tall and strong as trees.

my body is a series of dizzying corridors and windows painted shut. for a moment I forget and the red on my skin reminds me. and there are two choices, survive or don’t.
colors blend together painting the grey that is my life. you said you wouldn’t and you did. 11 walls for each year until I don’t feel anything.
my hands are not mine, my lungs and blood and bones are not mine. the stomach sick with fear is not mine. and I know now that love is not blind. arms outstretched but severed like limbs in a storm. I can’t pretend to be who I was. the world swallows me up and I feel so small. burned up like worms on the hot pavement. there is nowhere to go that doesn’t hurt.

I no longer remember
the number of freckles on your shoulders
the shape and place of every mole.
I no longer remember
your lips in longing
or *** twice in one day.
I no longer remember
my soul
bound by nothing
lying awake alone
eyes closed tightly on an
ice cold January morning.

the drugs they gave didn't cure our brains.
it's after midnight and i'm still thinking of you.
sick and sad, lost on the other side of town.
streetlights caress your hair
shadows steal your eyes away.

the sweetest lips, i remember.
i'll stay on the safe side tonight.

the dark swallows me up
rips away pieces until i am nothing.

let her have her way. the grass trails behind her. blades sliding through the cracks between her fingers. she looks on as the sun rises. light flickering across the earth. her feet ***** from the ground. shadows fall from branches. the ferns in her eyes fade out.
can you remember the blue before i met you? that great, wide open space? how could i have stayed?
i held your hand. i gave you everything.
pieces of your skin are still falling from me. the dust settles on the leaves that i've grown in my chest. you planted seed after seed.
it's been tough to **** you out.

i close my eyes and dip my hands in the water. the freezing cold reminds me of those days with you. wanting to pull away but sinking further in until i'm numb.
you've been hard to wash off.

the ocean in you left nothing in me
carried my heart away with the flood
washing away everything before
and after.

oh, all the wars i lost loving you.

dear apollo,

i cannot keep you. there is no one else. you were born from fire and ash. your bones pulled from the cool earth and set aflame. the tides formed your irises.
the sun spills in through the window. the glow of morning falls upon your face. i trace the freckles on your shoulder. your eyes flutter to welcome a new day. you say goodbye with a smile and i know this is the last time.

i am tired
in ways that i cannot explain
the words in my head mean nothing.
the blue in my sky has been scratched out,
painted over. replaced by the need to be better
than her, or her, or her.

this face, everything i hate
hidden beneath painted lips and eyelashes
every piece of skin
every fold, every wrinkle
there is no one who can erase time.
it has never been
about her-
the only war i fight is with myself.

i stood by the shore
looking out into the sky
birds flying, clouds rushing past
and then i saw you
struggling, falling
your arms flailing, your wings burning
i ran out into the water and reached for you
your lifeless body floated toward me
the waves washing over you
your lungs filled with salt and sand,
wax fused with skin and bone.

i carried you back to land and closed your eyes.
Apollo's great sun now setting, glowing gold upon your face.
i cried, and whispered, "you made it.
those walls are no longer your home."

throw it all away. where are your hands. i ruined you and now i will pay for everything.
your heart was lost. mine was young. worried about never changing. always being last and never first. if i could bleed out onto you i would.
if
if
if
if
that kills me and you.

you are the countless pages
in books I've never read
rain soaked, sun spilling across
an August afternoon
pouring in hard through the window.

pick your feet up
“I’m okay.”
wash your face off
“I’m okay.”
keep a smile on
“I’m okay.”

words cannot tell you what “tired” means to me
it is fighting and losing and fighting
rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat
wake up, get dressed-

pretend.

hello, it’s still me
are you listening? can you see
beyond my eyes that try to cry and can’t
this voice that tries to explain how it feels
to be trapped in a body
that does not love me back
where there are bars on the doors and I can’t
break out
my brain is a jar filled with grief that I can’t
let out
for a former life, a better life imagined

there is no safe place to go
not a day that allows me to forget
for a fraction of a section
that my own flesh and blood is
failing me

i washed my bones clean but now the rivers all dried up
you dreamed my whole wide world and i saw it in your eyes
pale at first then deeper blue
i stood at the edge and the water swallowed me.

all i have ever done is hide.
hands sewn in pockets, veins tied in two
you said that love was black and white
but i added in the red and blue.
initials carved into my arms
the names burned across my tongue
until i hate the taste
of being used.

the best and worst days--
the cold air that steals october away
the leaves on the ground
getting swallowed up by the earth.
spring's first song. that old bluebird
that never left for winter.
the mountains we have crossed
and built.
my mind, filled with dark things,
things that spill out and cover my words.
years before you.
when love was a war that you don't come back from--
i still carry the stones that were placed on my eyes.
washed up on the riverbed,
i pushed the water from my lungs,
and pulled myself up onto brittle bones.

a warrior,
right as rain, the sun rising on the first day of summer.
my eyes formed of light, what no one can steal.
the world has worn against me,
some days i forget the sharp edges, and
so i love.
i cry, and i speak, and i show you
every part. until it hurts.
i search for bricks and stones and
anything
to keep me safe. locked away,
where light cannot even reach me--
where the black night grows so big,
so heavy,
that your eyes, the sun, are nowhere to be seen.

i think about
your eyes and lips
your hands and shoulder blades
i think about your bones
that grew so tall
to hold you up, to keep me here
and i'm mesmerized
beneath the stars spinning in your sky.

love is deaf and blind and numb
lost in waters too deep to swim
you looked right at me and became the whole wide world.

your fingers play piano on my bones
notes that i've never heard
you sang loud and hard,
"can we forget, can we forget?"
but i plugged my ears and wept through the song.

on this,
the coldest day on the east coast
i have stolen sunlight
to keep tucked away
to replace the aching in my bones.

the tomb i left
the war we lost
feeling everything miles away
wind cutting through every word
bind my feet but in dreams
i still follow.

of course you will hurt me.

when i am sitting alone in the quiet
and thinking of the times i have bared my soul
i know there was never a question.

you have your own bones, and lungs and heartbeat.
you have your own ideas about love. about life.
while i am "getting by"
so are you.

there's some blood in my words.
there's a hand in mine but it's not yours anymore.

i have a bucket filled with all the things i should've done
i dumped it in the river and watched it all float away
none of it matters now.
not you, not me, not the sun in the sky
or the moon making love to the sea.

we live so divided.
but even the sun loves the sea and the moon, the sky.

hello? is that you?
i can still see the hair falling soft against your shoulders
the shoes you wore until the soles split in two
i can hear your laugh, see the stillness in your eyes questioning if it’s love or madness-
and you’re crying alone on your bed,
out the window there is snow and
you wonder how you ever ended up here.

can i tell you a story?
one day none of this is going to matter.
one day you will wish you had moved on,
you will never think about those people who hurt you
because your own body is going to take everything you’ve ever loved
and burn it and scatter it like ash
until you can’t tell up from down
until you’re stuck in a cave with no end

and there you’ll be again, crying on your bed
but this time you can’t leave, you can’t run,
you can’t change it. there is no one to blame
and no one to hate
so all of the anger you feel is floating around
with no place to call home.

and you will wish you had smiled.

the season has passed.
winter's long pause lifted from your lips.
i loved you more then than i ever will.
your sun-starved skin, milk glass arms
shimmering like stars in morning's first light.

remember when you kissed me like there was no one else?

cut me out from the long black night.
help me remember everything --
your hair curving out with the blowing wind
amber eyes glowing in the sun
your hands like wings.
i wake to find you one last time,
your skin like ivory
and i couldn't do a thing
except try and hold up the stars.

sinking and gasping, clawing toward the surface
water filling my lungs
blue lips and dead eyes,
i'm losing me with you.

i thought that this was everything. forever, for my whole life.
the faster my heart pumps, the more blood i lose.
blacking out and my head slams to the floor.
you pull me up and you're screaming
but i can't hear a thing.

my bones crack open under the weight of your hands.

the line separating who you are and what you've done is blurring.

the world is one huge heart. spilling over full of blood. the worst parts are black and wretched. a transplant must be imminent.

if only I could pretend its spring. the sun shines and I feel nothing.  barely. breathing but it's the pills. they keep me but not up or down. they just keep me. sometimes I smile with you. your eyes as bright as dead stars.
a lot of who I was pools up until I can't stop. wishing and aching. feeling and burning. the world stops for no one. not the trees or the big blue ocean. forget the waves, I'm here.

to reach the soul
that is trapped beneath
the cold black earth
to claw, and kick and scream

love, love, love
cannot reach you
my eyes cannot see you.
i imagine you, who you were before
the great depression.
winter came and claimed so much.

when i lie down beside you
blankets become that
same
old
fear.
a divide so wide between us
a space that cannot be filled
your eyes wander but i'm still here.

there is a quiet space at the season's end
a path i've stumbled down
time and time again.
i sit silent among the trees
i learn about living and dying
as their golden leaves fall down toward me.

in dreams i know
how every strand of hair falls
your sun-kissed shoulders glow
in the summer sun.
the storm that came and stole your eyes-
sweat dripping down your neck,
your legs slide slow down in that water
haunted when you're sleeping
by the salt on my lips.

i miss your buttercups and bluebirds
the way your rain falls warm on my skin
and how your sun lights the longest day.

come back to me
come back to me.

I was having an out of body experience last week and I asked Barbara to fetch me a glass of water and she fainted. She said that my lips were colorless and that she saw this bright light shining above me. I don't know too much about all that, but I might guess that I was dead for a minute or so. How can you ever be sure though?

I met Barbara back when I lived on 5th street and we were both into a lot of experimental drugs. It was a dark time. I feel like she's alright, you know? I've grown rather fond of her, anyway. She says she's been sober for a couple of years now. I guess she could've made the whole "out of body" thing up, but I remember feeling really off later that night. I didn't sleep for two days.

On Saturday we dropped acid for the first time in a long time and watched Nosferatu in the loft. I've felt partially responsible for her abandoning her sobriety. Lately it feels like I've been losing time. There are hours that I can't account for. That could all be in my head though.

in the forest
my heart hangs heavy away from you
the light pushing it toward all four corners
of the earth
your hands reach out
but it hangs, motionless

who am i to say that this will end?

i have searched through ashes
of lovers long burned
i have reopened boxes
that time forgot.

the day you stood by the road
with stones in your hands
december, maybe
tucked between two mountains
branches bare and snow falling
your eyes as blue as the sea.

i felt so much then. so much that it all feels empty now.
the cavern inside me covered up by darkness,
the
long
black
night.
loving you was my only trophy. the real blazing, burning hot as the sun kind of love. wasting away in bed all day just to touch you.

i can't reach you now.

i look at you and realize i may never sleep again.
tell my mother that i loved her,
and not to cry over spilled milk. tell her that i was
born again. i left the world with glass in my feet
and they'll pay my ferry to the other side.
blue eyes guide me home, no,
they keep me captive.
i loved you before i was old enough to remember how to breathe,
four lungs and sixty four teeth,
we were the same but now we're not.

the lord won't forget about you. she watches you hanging laundry,
pieces of your silver hair littering the grass.

siphon the blood from my weathered heart.
encased in muscle and bone
it pulses loudly through your words
so loud that all you speak are dreams.