there are parts you don't see
the slow dying
the stores i tell myself
the holding my breath
the inevitable stillness of winter
i know her face well
eight stories tall, i will meet her there
wind in my hair, the cold stinging my eyes
i can hear your voice but barely.

the feeling of knowing
where my footsteps have been
my mind retraces every step
until i feel nothing but the cold, the dark
the miserable memory of your face.

there are roads i never drive down for a reason.

felt the cold one last time
memories of their hands, eyes fading through days before
i built this dark graft inside of me
nothing can tear it away now
words in my head are so loud
shuffling through hallways without an end
rooms with locked doors
the key is here but i can't reach it
i see your arms outstretched and do nothing
it's easier to be here alone.

once you said "don't worry."
but i did. and i do, and i probably always will.

all taller than me, but not in spirit.
they taught me that not all beasts have long, sharp teeth.
the long night is not to be feared, but instead the reach
of their arms, holding me, smothering me.

i have been many women. all for them.
red hair and purple lips.
black hair and hip bones.
yellow dresses and curls.
each one removing a piece of my spine
chipping away at my bones
til i am nothing.

the world grew up around me
and suddenly i realized i had not grown with it.
still as a dead bird, i watched the seasons pass.
my veins filled with salt,
my mind burns now like an open wound--
i can never forget the sound of their voices
telling me who to be, how to hold my body.
always ringing in my ears.

let me be free. will i ever be free?

cut me out from the long black night.
help me remember everything --
your hair curving out with the blowing wind
amber eyes glowing in the sun
your hands like wings.
i wake to find you one last time,
your skin like ivory
and i couldn't do a thing
except try and hold up the stars.

ten years
you stole and you lied.
it's too late.
winter came and i never called.
what do you remember.
you were never real.

touch me until i break apart.
bones collapse under the weight of your hands.
we are the same but separate.
i think of you
but i'm dying.
help me see the center.