will we be breathing in the same sun again?
i have so much to say but it comes out wrong. ten summers passed and i can still see those plants reaching for the sun.
young and messy in grayscale sheets.
will we see another spring?
i wrote a story that i'm afraid to read. my hands shake too much to turn the pages. water washing through my life.
string lights on the bedpost guide me through memories.
muddy pieces stuck together and blurred lines that i can't make out.
behind my eyes i know you wanted
what was out of reach. pin up my arms and legs
because i don't know how to do any of this without you.

my body is a series of dizzying corridors and windows painted shut. for a moment I forget and the red on my skin reminds me. and there are two choices, survive or don’t.
colors blend together painting the grey that is my life. you said you wouldn’t and you did. 11 walls for each year until I don’t feel anything.
my hands are not mine, my lungs and blood and bones are not mine. the stomach sick with fear is not mine. and I know now that love is not blind. arms outstretched but severed like limbs in a storm. I can’t pretend to be who I was. the world swallows me up and I feel so small. burned up like worms on the hot pavement. there is nowhere to go that doesn’t hurt.

when I think of who you wanted and how it isn’t me
or maybe it was then but not now
not ever again. yellow dresses and cardigans.
flowers growing from my eyes. deep green November water washed against the snow.
I don’t remember who I was.
hands trace over memories that don’t feel like mine. summers spent in the sun without failing.
when I look at me I see nothing. blank, black
cold. maybe I don’t want to remember.
not anymore.

that late afternoon feeling
sweet smell in the air
strands of honeysuckle braided into your hair
humming a bluegrass song that reminds you of home.
flowers stretching upward like soldiers
your skin glowing soft in the sun
hands turning up stones, summer knows your name.

she reads the pages of my pain
aloud
over and over and over
until it's 4am and there is nothing left but the dark.
desperate to recall
pictures of her like words scrambled together in books
lost over time.
she was beautiful, she was everything.
her blue lace hands and sweet, hot marigold summers
the stories of that winter, snow falling over rotted leaves
washing all of it clean.
she reads
until the sun breaks open the stone blue iris,
and the birds recall her voice
her hair soaked from the first spring rain.
she reads
to remember, to forget, to heal
to break her heart wide open
to feel
and stand on the ledge but remain.

i see her face
there are lines now-
i am missing years.
i know her hands, her hair
her knees and teeth
but she is not me.

days fall from the calendar and i am
stuck here
waiting, watching for her
wondering if she will resurface

i wrap my hands around my own wrists
but they are not mine
i bend with the same knees
but they are not mine
i eat with the same mouth
but it is not mine.

can you find her?
i think the red painted over her-
the searing hot pain in her gut
swallowed her whole.

i have battled many things-
men
my thoughts
other people’s words
i have walked down flooded streets
water rushing to my knees
i have had my heart broken
by him, her, you
there was nothing so big that i felt frozen
until these six years
crushing me - ******* out every piece
until there is nothing left

how do i learn to love me now.

Tired -
of things that break
of waves so big they swallow everything
muscles and bones and guts
hair and blood and teeth

things that break and stay broken.

But we do look back
Don’t we?
I miss the ache I felt then
Nothing like the ache I feel now.
Can you replace my bones with scars?

hello? is that you?
i can still see the hair falling soft against your shoulders
the shoes you wore until the soles split in two
i can hear your laugh, see the stillness in your eyes questioning if it’s love or madness-
and you’re crying alone on your bed,
out the window there is snow and
you wonder how you ever ended up here.

can i tell you a story?
one day none of this is going to matter.
one day you will wish you had moved on,
you will never think about those people who hurt you
because your own body is going to take everything you’ve ever loved
and burn it and scatter it like ash
until you can’t tell up from down
until you’re stuck in a cave with no end

and there you’ll be again, crying on your bed
but this time you can’t leave, you can’t run,
you can’t change it. there is no one to blame
and no one to hate
so all of the anger you feel is floating around
with no place to call home.

and you will wish you had smiled.

pick your feet up
“I’m okay.”
wash your face off
“I’m okay.”
keep a smile on
“I’m okay.”

words cannot tell you what “tired” means to me
it is fighting and losing and fighting
rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat
wake up, get dressed-

pretend.

hello, it’s still me
are you listening? can you see
beyond my eyes that try to cry and can’t
this voice that tries to explain how it feels
to be trapped in a body
that does not love me back
where there are bars on the doors and I can’t
break out
my brain is a jar filled with grief that I can’t
let out
for a former life, a better life imagined

there is no safe place to go
not a day that allows me to forget
for a fraction of a section
that my own flesh and blood is
failing me

there is a song to be heard in the great, wild wood
rustling leaves, emerald green
birds calling after one another
i stand in the rain, watching their wings
travel from branch to branch
i see the green grass curling around my toes
and wish that i could be as tall and strong as trees.

you are like the great wild wood
holding secrets in the darkest corners
arms outstretched, this is where you pretend
you're as tall as the sky
promises never kept build up
you lay down one thing just to carry another
a beautiful girl, a million different pieces
glowing and bleeding and wishing
the stars will never burn as bright as you.

there are parts you don't see
the slow dying
the stores i tell myself
the holding my breath
the inevitable stillness of winter
i know her face well
eight stories tall, i will meet her there
wind in my hair, the cold stinging my eyes
i can hear your voice but barely.

the feeling of knowing
where my footsteps have been
my mind retraces every step
until i feel nothing but the cold, the dark
the miserable memory of your face.

there are roads i never drive down for a reason.

felt the cold one last time
memories of their hands, eyes fading through days before
i built this dark graft inside of me
nothing can tear it away now
words in my head are so loud
shuffling through hallways without an end
rooms with locked doors
the key is here but i can't reach it
i see your arms outstretched and do nothing
it's easier to be here alone.

once you said "don't worry."
but i did. and i do, and i probably always will.

all taller than me, but not in spirit.
they taught me that not all beasts have long, sharp teeth.
the long night is not to be feared, but instead the reach
of their arms, holding me, smothering me.

i have been many women. all for them.
red hair and purple lips.
black hair and hip bones.
yellow dresses and curls.
each one removing a piece of my spine
chipping away at my bones
til i am nothing.

the world grew up around me
and suddenly i realized i had not grown with it.
still as a dead bird, i watched the seasons pass.
my veins filled with salt,
my mind burns now like an open wound--
i can never forget the sound of their voices
telling me who to be, how to hold my body.
always ringing in my ears.

let me be free. will i ever be free?

cut me out from the long black night.
help me remember everything --
your hair curving out with the blowing wind
amber eyes glowing in the sun
your hands like wings.
i wake to find you one last time,
your skin like ivory
and i couldn't do a thing
except try and hold up the stars.

ten years
you stole and you lied.
it's too late.
winter came and i never called.
what do you remember.
you were never real.

touch me until i break apart.
bones collapse under the weight of your hands.
we are the same but separate.
i think of you
but i'm dying.
help me see the center.

you are lilac velvet screaming
ten years and 3650 sunsets
hello beautiful, it's me again
i see your smile stuck behind
those days you lived and breathed
his every word

i can't help but wonder where all this time has gone.

i miss your buttercups and bluebirds
the way your rain falls warm on my skin
and how your sun lights the longest day.

come back to me
come back to me.

forgive me--
i am still coming home to myself
still sorting through the darkest parts.
some days i seem wild, restless,
and you may not understand me.
some days i am afraid to move, to live,
and it may be hard to love me.
remember i too am still learning to love
the pieces that don't fit together,
the cracks in me that aren't filled with gold.
on days when i cannot smile,
forgive me.

my mind forgets the sun
the rain pours down into my bones
filling every crack
with fog carrying in
every mistake from the last three years
i don't remember what was beautiful
everything is lost
everything is lost

i wish fall had never left-
when it goes it takes everything.
thirty two candles for thirty two years
will i ever see the third.
if i go now it will be on my own terms.
find this and remember that i loved you-
and know that you always tried.

the cold wind calls my name and i am tired now
lay me out with flowers
and dream of the children we could have had.

The inevitable end
A life lived but not well enough
A love not bright enough
A girl not strong enough

six years
we kissed there for the first time

how could you, how could i
a story rewritten
over and over and over.
blue skies spread out over our hands
and i see how you have carried me
three years
the weight of that, clouds so thick
i held my breath to make it through.
where is the sun on the other side
the warmth on my skin,
crying like summer rain
come and gone and bright again.
why was there no music played for us.

six years
i felt everything one hundred miles away
can you remember still
the green in my eyes
the snow that mixed the colors
that came later in the fall
before the cold

how can i, how can you
i dreamt of you tracing my scars
that you would never leave
and i would always stay
the hope of a life well lived-
i hear you laugh and it is everything.

"how we get older, how we forget about each other
entwined within the sadder of days."

to the wrongs i can't right
this is us - what we were, what we are
"and we won't be breathing in that same sun again"
the far off now is too far
the rain came but never left
two halves
the whole piece is missing.

i close my eyes but still see everything.

be careful what you wish for.
white painted over sunflowers
summer is gone and the devils are close
i can feel their hands
reaching, pushing tiny pieces of
fear
in through my ears

let spring come,
but i worry i will not rise this time.

a lack of color-
days drawn over crossed out words
sunsets and full moons
do you really believe that i have forgotten anything.

a mind that you cannot rest in.
swirling hands and tangled hair.
if you told me that men were the devil i would believe you.

let me lie face up
hands toward the sky
let the water flow over me
through me, until i am nothing

how did you ever break what was already broken.

to the ghosts of days that she can never get back. the seasons speak volumes while you lie still in your bed with blankets stuffed into your ears. the part of her you loved is dead. for the widower, there is nothing but the cold, dark night.

of course you will hurt me.

when i am sitting alone in the quiet
and thinking of the times i have bared my soul
i know there was never a question.

you have your own bones, and lungs and heartbeat.
you have your own ideas about love. about life.
while i am "getting by"
so are you.

blessed are those who inherit the earth.--

your black eyes put the fear of gods in me.
i've lost fingertips trying to rip you out.
you stand so tall like the moon, your light-- borrowed
from the sun.
i'm saving my breath for that day. the stars say to run.
you pull shadows behind you, longer than the love
i've had for you.
my bones ache and crack.
you took everything.
my body can never be mine again.

blessed are those who lie with their lungs and love through their teeth.

let her have her way. the grass trails behind her. blades sliding through the cracks between her fingers. she looks on as the sun rises. light flickering across the earth. her feet ***** from the ground. shadows fall from branches. the ferns in her eyes fade out.
can you remember the blue before i met you? that great, wide open space? how could i have stayed?
i held your hand. i gave you everything.
pieces of your skin are still falling from me. the dust settles on the leaves that i've grown in my chest. you planted seed after seed.
it's been tough to **** you out.

i close my eyes and dip my hands in the water. the freezing cold reminds me of those days with you. wanting to pull away but sinking further in until i'm numb.
you've been hard to wash off.

your lips leak from shadows
too cold to bear your name
the trees hide you away from me
miles away and i mean nothing
every word burns like wildfire

can't the sky let me forget?

mother earth,
we have stolen so much from you- too much.
we have taken your trees, your mountain tops,
your moss covered rocks, your rivers and streams.
i know the tears you shed- i shed them too (for my home),
i know how desperate you are to repair- to rebuild,
and i wish that i could lay my hands upon you.
i wish that i could heal you all by myself.

you are the rain that falls in january. soft at first--
then chaining me to the bed.
your hands, a message from jupiter
swirling around inside my head
and i'm lost in your thunder.
at 4am i hear you call
you ask where i've gone again--
if i will return this time.

when you lied i thought i never loved you.
silver fills the cracks in my fingers
and i've spent one more year under your open sky.

when blue eyes are enough. wrists painted white to cover up your scars.
i said i never loved you,
but i lied.
to protect you from the dark in me.
all of my broken pieces, hidden in the darkest corner
of the last room down the longest hall-
and the walls i built won't crumble
standing strong for too long now,
your hands won't set me free this time
your arms won't hold me still this time.

the ocean in you left nothing in me
carried my heart away with the flood
washing away everything before
and after.

oh, all the wars i lost loving you.

in dreams i know
how every strand of hair falls
your sun-kissed shoulders glow
in the summer sun.
the storm that came and stole your eyes-
sweat dripping down your neck,
your legs slide slow down in that water
haunted when you're sleeping
by the salt on my lips.

tower up into the night like a young tree-
fragile but wild.
uprooted, i forget
i forgive
burn out every piece that lingers
every word that isn't love
there's glass in my heart but i feel nothing
i can leave but have nowhere to go
a life lived too open
a half lie and i am bleeding again
i know you don't love me.
i know you don't love me.

there are a hundred things that i could say --
tell me that love is real.
we are alone. it is dark. it will always be dark.
the sun lifts the shadows for a moment
and then the light falls away.

my heart, lungs, hands
have served me well for thirty two years.
and i will not watch my empire crumble
all because you were sad.

my body is a temple. --
but not for god or for you.
the hair it grows,
the winters it has spent shaking
the lies it tells me. --
all of this is mine.
your hands may touch my hands,
but they are not yours.
my body is a war. --
filled with roads for which i have no map,
and rivers that drown me again and again.

you are the blood of everyone i have ever loved. my eyes cut you open until it all spills out and covers me. my teeth on my hands and i can taste everything. the first day we met and the first time you kissed me.  you talk until my face doesn't exist. you talk until i mean nothing. i forget. i forgive. i become so small that you cannot hear my voice. i speak but the words are softened, covered by broken things. my bones break through my throat and every part of me fall out across the floor--
pieces that have no place
that have no home
i crawl across the floor and reach for you
but you are gone.

the best and worst days--
the cold air that steals october away
the leaves on the ground
getting swallowed up by the earth.
spring's first song. that old bluebird
that never left for winter.
the mountains we have crossed
and built.
my mind, filled with dark things,
things that spill out and cover my words.
years before you.
when love was a war that you don't come back from--
i still carry the stones that were placed on my eyes.
washed up on the riverbed,
i pushed the water from my lungs,
and pulled myself up onto brittle bones.

a warrior,
right as rain, the sun rising on the first day of summer.
my eyes formed of light, what no one can steal.
the world has worn against me,
some days i forget the sharp edges, and
so i love.
i cry, and i speak, and i show you
every part. until it hurts.
i search for bricks and stones and
anything
to keep me safe. locked away,
where light cannot even reach me--
where the black night grows so big,
so heavy,
that your eyes, the sun, are nowhere to be seen.

i am tired
in ways that i cannot explain
the words in my head mean nothing.
the blue in my sky has been scratched out,
painted over. replaced by the need to be better
than her, or her, or her.

this face, everything i hate
hidden beneath painted lips and eyelashes
every piece of skin
every fold, every wrinkle
there is no one who can erase time.
it has never been
about her-
the only war i fight is with myself.

i can never be
what i could be
when i can't look at me
without wanting to tear my skin off.

to reach the soul
that is trapped beneath
the cold black earth
to claw, and kick and scream

love, love, love
cannot reach you
my eyes cannot see you.
i imagine you, who you were before
the great depression.
winter came and claimed so much.