and just like the evergreen in winter,
i will droop and slump down into myself
waiting for winter to go.
i will remain among the living,
barely in bloom
so many of my leaves scattered at my feet
but enough remaining
to keep me breathing,
my eyes ever watching, waiting
for the first sign of spring.

i think of her.
when the night is long
and the house is cold.
i think of the warmth in her eyes
and the light that i took,
the piece that i kept. the piece that i burned.
the fire
that i lost myself in
the dying breath
the wish to try again.
to do better next time.

i will love you when i'm wild
when i'm sad
when the whole wide world seems too big
and the black night swallows me
i will love you in the peace of the morning sun
and when winter cracks my bones

i will love you when you cry
for your father and mother and for mine too
i will hold your hand
on the shortest days, the ones filled with joy
and the longest. full of loss, and regret
and deep despair.

i built a boat to sail us out to sea.
made of broken parts of you and me.
the flowers i collect each spring.
the rusty keys i can't part with.
twigs and bones from all my homes.
stones from the lake in the woods.

we paddled out with our hands
and our great big dreams
i watched you sleeping every morning,
the light inching closer and closer to your eyes
you shone so bright that i could see nothing else.
a girl wrapped in a halo,
her innocence spilling out into the sea.

one morning i awoke
i laid beside you, and awaited the light but it never found you
the darkness had swallowed you.
you were filled with shadows and sad things,
the kind of things that make you cry even on the good days.
that day i stopped paddling.

i sat with you. i held your hand. you were suddenly so afraid of the water. you said there were voices in your mind
and you weren't sure ******* them.

i fell asleep with my hands in the water.
when i woke up my skin was salt soaked, shriveled fingertips
i turned to reach for you
but you were already gone.

i put your heart back together
with god's golden hands
the moon's bluest light
i gave you fire to place inside your bones
to keep you when the winter comes to steal you away

you were wild, girl
don't let this **** you.
you have been ripped limb from limb
seams split so far that you can't find
where they end and you begin

i watched the world spin around you
you held up every constellation with ease
but then you grew tired.
i stood beside you and stretched out my arms
i reached and reached,
my hands lost inside the oceans

what i regret the most-
i didn't help you hold it up.

the sun is out but i'm afraid again.
afraid of who i've been.
my past plays in my ear like a broken record
stuck on one note, then moving on
and back around again.

i carried you in my heart.
tucked away in the darkest corner.
i kept you there
even after i broke you,
i collected your pieces
and pushed them into my skin
so that i would never forget.

how can my fingertips retrace my dreams?
i want to be someone different now
someone brave, glowing gold but dark as midnight
a girl hidden away, an impenetrable soul

no one can touch me now. no one can hurt me now.

i'm scared and don't know what is real.