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a wildfire Jul 2014
some silent part of me
thinks by winter i'll be dead
lying still with all the leaves that summer left.
what i can't stand is the colder weather
soaking deep into my bones
stealing all the light i've saved.

i'll place the blame on me for wasting all of it.
every sunlit ocean morning. every crashing wave.
because i was too afraid to dance.
because i was too afraid to breathe
..too afraid of you loving (losing) you.

i missed the falling stars. the bare skin. the walking home.
the pavement hot as hell in late june.
i believed in the infinite heat. the sun never setting.
the world never forgetting. and giving up on me.
a wildfire Jul 2014
.
i can never break free of those i loved too much
for far too long.
i can finally forget you with my dying breath.
a wildfire Jul 2014
to stand
in your arms
long and slender
reaching toward the sky
the sun glowing on your skin
the memories i carry
made long before the wildfire
destroyed it all.

you thought i chose him but i had no choice at all.
in my heart, i never forgot
you and i in your bed for the first time.
the way the hair fell down to your chin
hiding those blue eyes.
that townhouse. the silk necklace you made for me.
kissing at parties. holding hands in your car.

frozen forever just like that in my mind.

my only crime;
loving what i couldn't have and having what i couldn't love.
never the same love twice. never like you.

i will never smell your hair again,
never touch my legs to yours.
i try so hard to remember
your laugh, your sweet voice
singing the songs we loved
listening and wondering
if we could ever be good enough
but
you always were.
a wildfire Jul 2014
the fire, the burn that won't heal
the rain pouring down so hard it stings
the weight of a mistake that felt right in the moment
the first time we touched
the last time you saw me cry
the one thing you want but can't keep
the summer that never ends.

the reason to write again
the reminder that every single thing
that you had never intended
will fall in your lap and cling to you
until you tremble for days and start losing sleep.

how blind you are in the beginning,
how much you wish, and want, and ache for their hands.
a wildfire Jul 2014
pull my face back in the mirror until
ten years are gone
erase the lines you've traced

i made the first mistake when i kissed you
the second i touched your face
you were everyone and no one
the times i wanted to chase you but i couldn't
the hours i spent alone.

here we are and now my hands are bleeding
carrying what i can never say
and i wonder if we'll break our backs
under the weight.
a wildfire Jul 2014
eyes falling and watching through white walls
a hospital bed and a phone call
a book with your number written inside.

hiding under the covers again
i can tell you won't answer this time.
could i just see you and remember?

waves crashing but nothing washes away. every year for nothing.
i listen to the same songs then press delete.
who i was matters a little less every time.

she said she remembers you laughing
and confusing colors with the sun.
that summer day in the rain, you were brilliant
your smile as big as the sea
the boards creaking on our white washed porch.

your fingers in my hair like lightening
my lips brush against you
i close my eyes and pretend that it's over

oh what one moment can do to the soul
the damage done, forever unchanged.
a wildfire Jul 2014
nobody knows my heart and all my secrets

just the moon in the night, watching

just the sun shining down in summer

just the morning fog lifting from the water.

thank god that so far my brain knows nothing at all.
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