the edge is near, my toes hang off the side;
one sudden movement will cause me to slide
to the bottom of the canyon i stand before now.

but i want to fall hard onto the ground
because then maybe the gross cracking sound
will wake me up to see the good in me.

standing at the doorway of common death
i realize the precious value of each breath
and how much it all really means.

forget my existence another night.
i am just a shadow to you.
i don't exist to you.
i am nothing.

I

there is darkness, and i am trapped within it;
i am in shadows, bound, and cannot escape it,
although i wish i could forsake it.
my pain, my guilt, my shame
all bind me down and shackle me
to the walls of my lonely sinner's heart-
my cave.
although i wish i could forsake it,
i am in shadows, bound- a slave!
and i cannot escape it.
there is darkness, and i am trapped within it.

II

take the chains from my hands and feet;
take the agony and darkness of my sin
and let me crawl out of my cave-
the cave of my past and of my transgressions...
i must escape and hold onto hope,
i must run out of my prison
and find strength in the burning pain of sunlight.
in these broken chains, my heart will be set free.

III**

do what you want to me!
nothing you can do or say can make me move,
move back into the bindings of my guilt and shame;
those feelings i know too well.
i will live my life in the light,
no matter how burning bright,
i'll hold on in the darkest night!
i will live my life as it's meant to be.

in the dark my value haunts me.
"you're a worthless failure",
"you're never going to amount to much"-
those words attack on repeat
and are only calmed by a lover's touch.
but why don't you drive your daggers deeper
and reduce me down to a thoughtless weeper
who feels nothing but despair and deep, deep anger?
all from words from the one i call "father".
don't you see what you're doing?
don't keep coming for me, don't keep pursuing
me as your daughter! i know why i'm running
away from all the pain that you're causing.
don't try to repair it,
your damage is done,
and i'm gone...

do you know the feeling you get when you're hiding,
when you're alone in the darkness of
a closet or
under your bed or
behind a door or
in a bush?
i get that sense- of loneliness, fear, constant held breath-
every time i wake,
every time i see people,
every time i hear whispers,
every time i feel wandering eyes.
i feel like i am searched with every step in the open
for guilt and abnormality
but i am not.
or am i?
i don't know and i want to know
what people think of me.
if they hate me,
if they love me,
why won't they just come out and tell me
the honest to god truth!?
it drives me insane.
and so i'll just keep hiding.

i often wonder what its like to be dead
and which direction my spirit would go.
would i journey to hell, and would there be flames?
or would it be dark, or icy as snow?
or perhaps i'd go to heaven post-death
to breathe eternal happiness in with each breath.
and maybe i'll go to that "purgatory" place
and end up being a pointless waste of space.
and there's the possibility i'll cease to exist,
which allows me to cross religion off the list.

don't make the same mistakes i have made,
don't follow in my stupidity and naive behavior!
be stronger than i, because i'd do anything to trade
those memories and my dire need for a savior.
hold yourself together, dear, don't walk my walk.
let your actions follow the direction of this talk.

you will not fall apart, dear child of my love,
even though you feel pain, doesn't make you broken.
no doubt in my mind, you're a miracle from above,
so stay strong! take this poem as my token
of how much i love you- you being apart of me-
you will make it, i promise, it gets better, you'll see.