why can i not believe you exist, God?
you've proved yourself time after time after time,
but why?
my faith isn't strong enough,
isn't good enough.
and i can't help but feel that maybe if you existed,
maybe i wouldn't have this hopelessness,
this depression; this sense of worthlessness.

laying in the dark; you hovering above me-
watching, waiting, breathing,
just feeling.
your heat and your touch, electrifying.
craving you.
every breath a shudder;
every touch brings chills.
interlocking tightly together,
tangled and lost in the other.
just loving.

jade green eyes staring back at me-
back into mine, like a dreary, blue-gray sky.
i could get lost in this; lost in you.
next to you, i could, forever, lie.
you consume my thoughts night after night,
and i let my mind wander when i close my eyes.

uncontrollable sniffles-
oh, god in heaven, why me?
coughing, coughing, and coughing some more.
coughing up my lungs!
or, at least, so it feels..
just let me die
or drug me up.
drug me up with the cold medicine.
every four hours.
just **** me now.

why do you try to stay hidden from view?
why hold onto the pain, old and new?
let it go, let the breath release;
forgive and forget, time will renew.

let color replace the shades of grey,
let life be lived, not thrown away.
sixteen years wasted- gone..
release.. release.. release!

breathe the new air, let it fill-
fill my lungs! so that i will
live again. live life as it's meant
to be. full of joy sadness can't ****.

i wish my prayers could offer up something,
but my soul has nothing to give,
no words that can be spoken.
is God even there to hear my cries as i live?
there's no one,
it's all empty space.
if God were real, i wouldn't beg for death,
wouldn't beg for an end, wouldn't plead for the dark.
some days i let myself wonder
that maybe there is.
maybe the good things are from him,
and the evil from a darker power..
but then again..
maybe they're one and the same thing,
or maybe there's nothing.

is it so much to ask for the cold to come?
the chill, the freeze, the long nights..
long nights with pleasant company,
blanket's warmth and tea in hand,
winter winds howling through forested land.
shivers, untameable, shake me.
your warmth awakes me.
we can hold each other
through winter winds.