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May 2015 · 1.3k
Untitled
Annie May 2015
it's back.

the weight.
the fear building up between my eyebrows.
the tears constantly threatening to show.
the breathlessness between each breath.

i'm tired of fighting this alone.
i don't want to be strong anymore,
i don't want to hold it together for one more second.

every heartbeat is a miracle.
May 2015 · 321
hindsight 20/20
Annie May 2015
a year ago i didn't know the turmoil i would go through
and i didn't know the kind of happiness i would experience.
a happiness so great i could never explain in words, and an
appreciation for everyday life that came out of nowhere but
what seemed like second nature to me, enveloping me
with every inhale and exhale.

i found friendship in places i least expected, i found
distraction when i needed it the most, and i learned that
i have to set my own standards or people can and will
walk all over me.

i learned that it's okay to want to be wanted, but
that i cannot let that define me or i will end up feeling
more lost than when i began.

i learned that it's okay to be lost, and it's okay to not
know how to seek help even when you're trying with
every fiber of your being; even when absolutely nothing
is working, the sheer will to keep going is enough to
keep you alive.

it's important to remember that breathing is involuntary and
so that's one less thing you have to try to do and your heart
pumps blood all by itself and so when you think you aren't
doing anything, your body will take over and let you do
nothing and you are still alive.

and when you look at life like that, any effort you put
in can only be a positive no matter the outcome because
you did more than was physically necessary to get by
and who cares if you ****** up for god's sake you're alive.

the sun will still come up tomorrow no matter what you did
and you may not see it because of the clouds or you may sleep
through it because you were up so late trying to fix what you
think you did wrong or you may be too busy looking down to
realize it but the sun will rise whether you do anything at all or not.

this past year I learned the importance of giving that extra
effort, and how much joy it can bring.
but more importantly, i learned the necessity of not doing
anything at all in order to stay afloat, and that everybody does
it sometimes and even if they don't, they do.

we weren't made perfect beings,
you can't expect yourself to become one.
May 2015 · 291
m
Annie May 2015
m
it's funny how i kept going back to you.
i was told time and time again how you
didn't want anything more, and I tricked
myself into believing that I didn't either.
I truly believed that I was content with a
weekend romance mixed with friendly hello's.

But I was wrong.

I wanted you to ask me how I was doing and
I wanted to tell you that I'm falling apart.
I was drawn to your calm state of mind because
it seemed like everyone around me was moving
and I was standing still and I wanted to stand still
with you.
I wanted to have someone who felt the same and
I thought it could be you but I didn't realize that
I couldn't make you want that too.
You didn't want to be tied down by a girl overwhelmed
by her dreams and you didn't want to spend time
talking to someone who had the potential to ruin
the tranquility you had so carefully established.
And I understood that, but I couldn't accept it.

But I am finally accepting it.
I'm letting you go and I will be better for it.
And maybe if I keep telling myself that enough,
I'll believe it.
May 2015 · 258
what now?
Annie May 2015
i refuse to chase anyone anymore.
i used to think that it was brave to go
after what i wanted, that my confidence
would be taken in such a way that
would attract you even more;
but it just left me open and vulnerable
and alone when it turned out that
you never wanted me back.

but i'm not settling for your "sometimes".
your name doesn't make me smile anymore
and i'm making memories with other people:
better people.

I am not defined by your
inability to love me.
I will find someone who not only desires
me, but values me.
I'm not expecting someone to take away the bad,
I simply want someone to enjoy the good with.
I want to talk in whispers on a Tuesday afternoon
so we can hear the wind and laugh in the middle
of class because I remember something you said earlier.
I'm finally in a place where I can enjoy the world,
and I won't be held back by someone who can't enjoy me.
May 2015 · 400
suffocation
Annie May 2015
Imagine a building falling on top of you,
first it crushes your bones
then it spreads your brain a couple blocks over
and leaves pieces of you scattered
so far apart and in such tiny fragments
that they can't tell if that is part of your
finger or trash that someone was too
careless to throw away.

Now imagine floating on a cloud
so light that you think your breath
is heavier than your body, and
every thought is so happy it makes
you want to cry because you never
knew life could be that good.

Combine the two and you enter
a perpetual state of confusion, of
too many emotions in the wrong
time and the wrong place.

Combine the two and prepare
to see your life falling apart
and coming together and prepare
to lose everything that you aren't
even sure you care about.
Apr 2015 · 292
found
Annie Apr 2015
They found it.

they found my words,

my feelings,

my raw destruction of everyone around me.

I can't face them.

I'm not the person they thought I was.

they found me.
Apr 2015 · 243
Untitled
Annie Apr 2015
I can't take a deep breath
I can't take a breath at all
teach me how
please help me I'm trying
but my lungs can't keep working
like this I can't keep working
like
this.
Apr 2015 · 930
so
Annie Apr 2015
so
I'm not going back to that place.

I can feel the darkness fighting to take over
but I'm stronger now.

That's what I tell myself these days.
I am so tired of fighting.
So tired of trying.
So so tired.
Apr 2015 · 363
unremarkable
Annie Apr 2015
Loud voices.

Hurried walks.

Too much talking,
not enough listening.

Why shouldn't
I
simply
d
   e
       t
           a
                c
                      h

myself completely?
Dec 2014 · 401
too far
Annie Dec 2014
Your hands in mine
Your lips on my neck
Your breath heavy, your eyes begging
Too much begging

Too far

You're gone now
I can't find my clothes
I can't find my dignity
I lost myself

Too far
Dec 2014 · 278
Untitled
Annie Dec 2014
the circles under my eyes are growing
i'm running out of makeup
i'm running out of excuses
Aug 2014 · 228
Untitled
Annie Aug 2014
Holding hands is dangerous because at some point somebody has to let go.
Aug 2014 · 234
Who I Am
Annie Aug 2014
I fell for the way your words were
laced with hidden truths about myself.
But not in the good way--oh how I wish.
No, these truths revealed how guarded
I was and how you saw right through it.
You saw through my walls and
picked out my worst insecurities;
insults disguised as jokes outnumbered
any kind words coming from your lips.
You were toxic and your eyes
undressed me and all of my armor.
I kept coming back for more, begging you
to tell me something I didn't know about myself.
When you finally got tired of my story,
you were gone faster than you came and
I was left here questioning who I am.
****** late writing
Aug 2014 · 220
you
Annie Aug 2014
you
I hope you see something every day that
reminds you of me and I hope it kills you.

I hope you can't breathe when you hear my
name and I hope you can't stop thinking
about my laugh and how well you knew
my tone of voice.

I want you to regret that you can't hear
me talking to you this very second.

I want you to remember how I sang along to
every song because I didn't know the lyrics
but wanted to prove you wrong.

I want you to miss how stubborn I was
and I want you to regret ever letting me go.

I hope you think about pushing me away
and I hope it tears you apart.
Aug 2014 · 191
Untitled
Annie Aug 2014
I hate how my dreams about you are always good.
I hate waking up from them.
I hate waking up.
Aug 2014 · 370
wrong
Annie Aug 2014
Our first date was innocent and perfect and slow.
We talked for hours and I committed the way your hands felt to memory.
We kissed and I was nervous and you didn't push me.

The dates in between were a blur.
Casual hang outs we both knew were more.
I was truly happy.

But our fifth date was different.
It felt rushed and the look in your eyes was off.
We talked for hours again but this time you hit me.
We got into the back of my car and the next
morning I woke up feeling ***** and bruised.

By this point I knew you were not what I wanted.
I was no longer happy with you but you had an
unexplainable grip on me and I was practically
on my knees begging you to love me.

I did not like you, I did not like what you did to me.
You made me feel childish and insecure even
when I could see how you were simply using me.
But we were temporary, so I stayed.

On our last night, you told me you couldn't figure me
out and you never called me after that.
I guess in trying to protect myself I became a
mystery so complex you didn't want to bother.

And somehow, despite all the pain you put me through,
you leaving out of nowhere is what hurt me the most.
(not really a poem, just needed to get it out)
May 2014 · 435
questions
Annie May 2014
People always clap for the wrong reasons,
And the best at ****** are those who preach against it.  
Evil is not intrinsic. It’s fashioned.  
I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.  
There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out.  
I talk to God but the sky is empty;
This love is silent.  
It’s exponentially bigger than you think;
It’s what you feel, but can’t articulate out loud.  

Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.  
And neither the angels in the heaven above nor the demons down under the sea
Or the ghosts inside of me
Ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  
It’s easier to floss with barbed wire than
Admit that we love evil too well to give it up.  
Youth is a blunder, old age a regret;
But you cannot find peace by avoiding life.  

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
To struggle against this stupidity,  
I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.  
The troublemakers are just a handful,  
And if our times are difficult and perplexing,
We become what we think.
The earth has music for those who listen;
There are times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.  
Nature is a haunted house—but Art—
Is not a thing, it is a way;
A parasitic on life.  
It is easy to fool the eye,
But art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.  
We are killing a part of our souls
Every whisper of every waking hour,
And none of it seems real to me,
But everyone’s to blame.  

I have been learning how to die:  
My ribs are poking through and my coat is getting thin.  
Love lies hidden in every rose,
It’s a restless hungry feeling that don’t mean no one no good.  
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world;
You must let them go, they were born to go.  
There was never meant to be clarity.  
Let nothing disturb you; let nothing frighten you.  

When the wind blows, the grass bends;
There are so many fragile things after all.  
The earth breathes melodies in the wind,  
But those songs and bells were the laughter of guns
And their echoes are truly endless.
You said I should learn to sing along,
There’s paranoia in your veins.

Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be,
The world is filled with broken things.
You must have chaos within you,
You can turn a phrase into a weapon.  
Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind;
I always have to justify how my tongue dances:
I bite my tongue and torch my dreams.  

When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time;
To live is the rarest thing in the world.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life,  
And sometimes I can hear my bones straining under  
The weight of all the lives I’m not living.  
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to
Not let your fire go out.    

Love is always open arms;
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days.
I still want to drown whenever you leave,
But in the end you can’t always choose what to keep.  
Everything must be made as simple as possible,  
Yet fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.  

We must be careful about what we pretend to be,  
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.  
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored,  
Everything you can imagine is real.  
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live:  
To those who will see, the world waits.  
The sun only comes up to humiliate you,  
But the planet is fine. The people are ******.

You don’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope,  
They can make your thoughts as heavy as branches after a storm.  
He had preserved the best part of her  
And made it his own: the principle of her scent.
He told how “the heavy smell of flower petals stroked the walls of my lungs.”
But ghosts have a way of misleading you.  
We are all haunted, all of us, by things we can see and feel and guess at,  
And many more things that we can’t.  
We all carry, inside us, people who came before us.  

You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, do you?
Your hands went cold in mine and I’m still searching for warmth;  
Nothing burns like the cold.  
For when all else is done, only words remain. Words endure.  
The future depends on what we do in the present,  
The time will never be just right.  
Question the world and don’t wait for a reply
Don’t be fooled by the words of deceit,
Don’t let her stick it to your heart so hard.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple:
When you cease to exist who will you blame?
Everyone I know is gone, and I barely know myself.
cento
May 2014 · 346
better
Annie May 2014
I am strong now.
My voice doesn't shake when I talk
and I smile more than I frown.
I've changed, but that's inevitable
when you're living on the brink of death.
My sense of humor has gotten darker
but I'm learning to refine it, to refine myself.
I know now that I will be working on myself
my entire life and will always be rediscovering who I am.
I find that kind of comforting:
the bad parts of me now will eventually fade,
and maybe they'll be replaced with worse but
there's still the chance that they'll be replaced with better.
And that's what I'm striving for: better.
Day by day I become more sure of myself,
every second brings with it a new lesson.
I am ready to finally be happy.
Mar 2014 · 315
smiling
Annie Mar 2014
You only seem to care for me when I'm happy,
with one hint of a frown I know you'll be gone.
I thought this would be good for me, that
I would learn to be happy and full of smiles.
But I can't make my thoughts disappear and you
don't seem to understand that smiling no longer
means happiness for me anymore.

Smiling means convincing you that I'm okay
when that's the last thing I am.

Smiling means being normal when you want me
to be and not letting you see that I can't breathe.

**Smiling means suffocating.
can not give a **** enough to read this over srry
Mar 2014 · 330
stop
Annie Mar 2014
Being broken isn't fun, it's not beautiful, and
it won't make people love you.

Pushing people away doesn't somehow
make everyone care like you think it will,
it only hurts them when you never seem to make time for them.

Denying your problems isn't a sign of being strong,
it's being so weak that you can't even look yourself in the mirror.

And that. Not being able to look yourself in the
mirror doesn't make you tragically beautiful,
it tears you apart and destroys everyone around you.

You make excuse after excuse but one day people
are going to start giving up on you,
and it will be your own **** fault.

But you won't be able to see that you caused
all of this, because you're too busy trying to be
hopelessly broken.
Annie Mar 2014
It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
Some people prefer to say passed away,
or went to a better place,
but I'm still having a hard time believing you're
gone so I guess I'm trying to convince myself.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
That was the longest week of my life,
watching you but unable to talk with you.
I remember holding your hand knowing
that I was going to wish I could do the same
in one hundred and twenty two days.
I was right.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
We cleaned out some of your apartment today,
but it took us 10 hours to get through your closet
because we didn't want to let go of any piece of you.
But we did, we gave away 15 bags and 2 boxes of you.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
I found two pennies while we were working,
I know you were there watching.
But even if I believe that with my entire heart, it doesn't
take away the ache that has grown within me since you died.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
You brought happiness to every single person you talked to,
and I know you would want everyone to do the same.
I'm trying to let my sadness go, but it isn't easy.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
I didn't think I would make it one hour without you,
but you held my hand through it all.
poorly written but idc

love and miss you aunt leisa
Mar 2014 · 474
Answers
Annie Mar 2014
I have been learning how to die:
My ribs are poking through and my coat is getting thin.
Love lies hidden in every rose,
It’s a restless hungry feeling that don’t mean no one no good.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world;
You must let them go, they were born to go.
There was never meant to be clarity.
Let nothing disturb you; let nothing frighten you.

When the wind blows, the grass bends;
There are so many fragile things after all.
The earth has music for those who listen,
But those songs and bells were the laughter of guns
And their echoes are truly endless.
You said I should learn to sing along,
There’s paranoia in your veins.

Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be,
The world is filled with broken things.
You must have chaos within you,
You can turn a phrase into a weapon.
Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind;
I always have to justify how my tongue dances.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple:
When you cease to exist who will you blame?
part of a cento
Jan 2014 · 315
God?
Annie Jan 2014
Hey God, am I allowed to break down now?
Is this a convenient time for me to fall to
pieces or do I need to make an appointment?
Can I cry now, God? Has this test ever
been passed? It sure feels like you just
gave up on me and sent me to Hell early.

Am I still alive, God?        Do I even want that answer?

I know I've sinned a lot and I'm sorry but
it's truthfully a miracle that I'm still breathing.
She's not. Breathing, that is. You stopped that
in November. I remember that, God: her cold hand
in mine and the overpowering sound of oxygen.

Are you sorry, God?

Because I think you took the wrong person.
I think you meant to take me--I swear I heard
you calling my name and I was ready and
then you ******* took her away.

Did you make a mistake, God?

Everybody does.
Annie Jan 2014
I'm scared of so many things right now.
Like if I'm making the right decision about my future:
Am I independent enough to leave my home and seek adventure?
What if I'm not living out my life to the fullest?
I don't want to regret these years but I can't seem to change myself.
Am I just as bad as what I complain about?
I'm terrified that I am my biggest pet peeve
and that I will never be able to escape myself.

I'm scared that my newfound anger isn't just a phase.
And how am I supposed to overcome my problems
if I instinctively shut them out before I have the chance to try?
I'm scared that second chances don't exist and
fear that I've ****** up the only one I get.
I worry that true happiness will never come to me again
but I know I'm probably just being overdramatic.

I'm terrified that I'm wrong about her and that
I will be too late to do any saving.
I know she doesn't want to be saved but I still fear
she'll choose death over us.

I fear that I'm wrong about everything.
I'm scared that nobody cares.
I'm terrified of being lonely.
Jan 2014 · 751
fifteen months
Annie Jan 2014
Late September nights filled with
hushed voices and hand sanitizer
instead of essays about Romeo and Juliet.
You fell asleep in plastic chairs to the
melody of a constant beeping lullaby.
A walk to the cafeteria where you found
company in the doctors with circles
under their eyes. During these months
you redefined a "midnight snack" and
the journey was always longer than
the walk to the fridge at home.

Then a change of scenery came, but
the same routine remained. Days
blended into nights and soon you
were in the hospital on Christmas
holding back tears.
One foggy winter afternoon became
the date after the dash on a man's
gravestone; you knew because those
screams only ever mean one thing.
You wondered who would be next
and heard those cries for days after.
Your friends wondered why your
face grew cold when someone's
voice got too loud-you blamed it
on lack of sleep. But you weren't so
bad after a week, you were better right?

Well you were better in the sense that
your heart still beat and you knew the
exact cost of a grilled cheese and chocolate
milk in the cafeteria. But you were worse
in how you always forgot a straw to take
back upstairs and you didn't know her
room number, only the that it was the
third door on the right.

Your mom knew the security guards like
they were old friends but you didn't even
know their names because you were always
ashamed to be leaving. You saw the different
stages of grief on the faces of people in the
elevator and could tell when the last time
they cried was (it was always the night before.)

You knew her medication better than the doctors
and that scared you so you focused on the lines
on the monitor that you barely understood.
You grew used to sympathetic looks from familiar
faces in the halls. You hoped the families on those
couches would only be there for the night and not
the month like you were. You took on responsibility
you never wanted and that nurses didn't acknowledge.

You've grown into someone you don't want to be anymore;
filled with anger and grief. You laugh at everything hoping
you can force yourself to be happy, but it never works.
You don't allow yourself to think about anything other
than the bad and you don't know how to stop.
You can't tear down the very wall you built.
Dec 2013 · 835
life has taught me that...
Annie Dec 2013
breathing is both a blessing and a curse.
friends aren't best friends until they prove it.
tears don't always come when you expect them to,
they usually come when the only thing you're
praying for are dry eyes for two more minutes.
broken things can be fixed. broken people can
only be restored if they want to be.
that empty feeling doesn't go away easily.
if they don't care for you, it's best to let go before
you get hurt or hurt yourself.
anger evolves into bitterness.
people believe a smile sooner than they
believe a creased forehead.
nobody will put you first, so it is imperative
that you do so yourself.
sunsets take away every single bad thought.
attachment is a recipe for destruction.
time doesn't exist in hospitals.
even psychologists will look at you funny.
some people just won't get you, and that's okay because
others will understand you better than you do yourself.
venting is an art form.
books are always an escape.
nightmares are hard to shake off and the only
thing that helps is time.
sometimes conversation will seem pointless,
and that's because it is.
everyone has their own story, and sometimes
it's best to just leave it at that.
as of 12/8/13
Dec 2013 · 285
I love you most
Annie Dec 2013
Your hands went cold in mine and I'm still searching for warmth.
I can hear your laugh when I sit on the couch and
I swear you call my name whenever I pass by your door.
Nov 2013 · 1.1k
we haunt ourselves
Annie Nov 2013
People always clap for the wrong reasons,
And the best at ****** are those who preach against it.  
Evil is not intrinsic. It’s fashioned.  
I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.  
There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out.  
I talk to God but the sky is empty;
This love is silent.  
It’s exponentially bigger than you think;
It’s what you feel, but can’t articulate out loud.  

Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.  
And neither the angels in the heaven above nor the demons down under the sea
Or the ghosts inside of me
Ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  
It’s easier to floss with barbed wire than
Admit that we love evil too well to give it up.  
Youth is a blunder, old age a regret;
But you cannot find peace by avoiding life.  

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
To struggle against this stupidity,  
I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.  
The troublemakers are just a handful,  
And if our times are difficult and perplexing,
We become what we think.
The earth has music for those who listen;
There are times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.  
Nature is a haunted house—but Art—
Is not a thing, it is a way;
A parasitic on life.  
It is easy to fool the eye,
But art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.  
We are killing a part of our souls
Every whisper of every waking hour,
And none of it seems real to me,
But everyone’s to blame.
This is a cento, so the lines were all taken from different sources and authors.
Nov 2013 · 809
blink
Annie Nov 2013
I'm tired of feeling alone every time I
open my eyes and overwhelmingly
lonely whenever I close them. I blink
in the hope that happiness might come
in the millisecond between the two but
it never does and I'm left with something
stronger than disappointment.
Nov 2013 · 444
a journey
Annie Nov 2013
This time last year I choked on every
breath I tried to take and I broke down
at every other 2 a.m. that came along.
Nights were the only time my eyes were
dry because I didn't want to cry at the
hospital. That would be too cliche
and too much for you to take.

You were supposed to die that night,
nobody expected you to live a couple
more hours and now it's been over a year.

You scared us again that December.
I didn't go to my soccer tournament
because I was too emotionally unstable
and I was sure you were going to die.
You didn't.

You were still in the hospital in January
and now you were hallucinating.
A man died in the room next door and I was
convinced that was a sign that you were next.
I'll never forget the screams of his family.
I prepared myself for that to be us.
It hasn't happened yet.

You got back your remission, but you
lost your ability to walk. You have
become the ever present voice in my ear
and your eyes beg me to save you from
your own personal hell.

But I can't save you. I've tried.
I've spent countless nights thinking about
what I could do better and what I had
already done wrong, but the lack of sleep
never inspired any solutions.

I'm sorry that I'm not your hero.
I'm sorry that he couldn't be your savior.
I'm sorry he couldn't even keep himself afloat.
But most of all,
I'm sorry that I'm waiting for you to die.
Oct 2013 · 246
Untitled
Annie Oct 2013
only the good die young so i know i've got some time to ****
Oct 2013 · 842
I can tell by your laugh
Annie Oct 2013
I can tell by your laugh that you've never known grief;
you've never had thoughts that follow you endlessly,
you've never hurt so much that you don't hurt at all.

I can tell by your laugh that you've never been lost
and you've never endured loss.
Nightmares have never kept you from breathing
and you've never feared life.

I can tell by your laugh that you still fear death,
you still fear the unknown.
Your eyes aren't weighed down with experience yet
and your smile is genuine every single time.

I can tell by your laugh that nothing haunts you.
I can tell by your laugh that you're still alive.
Oct 2013 · 387
stay
Annie Oct 2013
Your smile still reaches your eyes,
and the corners never try to drag you down.
You walk with a confidence I never had,
a piercing glare that dares me to give in to you.

Do you know how lucky you are?
To have happy thoughts more than those filled with grief?
Have you ever known pain?
I hope you never do; I never want to see
the happiness leak from your body.

I think I'm drawn to you because you're everything
I never allowed myself to be.
Maybe what I've gone through has been worth
it if you never have to suffer the same.

Stay young.
Stay happy.
Annie Sep 2013
I've lived for 1,485 days
without hearing your laugh,
and now I find it hard to
smile even once a day.

It's been 2,138,400 minutes since
I've had insignificant conversation
with you, and I struggle to
make small talk lately.

I've gone 128,304,000 seconds without
a shared glance across the room
and I don't remember the last time
I looked someone in the eyes.
Sep 2013 · 588
Untitled
Annie Sep 2013
She quiets her mind with
bad decisions and liquid courage.
Her thoughts slow down along
with her breathing, and her
heart misses a couple of beats.
The veins in her arms now
carry a death sentence
as her eyes lose focus.
She's found the perfect
formula for self-destruction.
Sep 2013 · 339
i think i might be dead
Annie Sep 2013
I think I might be dead.

I don't feel my heart beating anymore,
I can never quite catch my breath.
I think more than I talk and they
tell me that I'm a ghost.

I think I might be dead.

My hands are always cold and
people seem to talk right through me.
You look at me with frightened eyes
and whisper that you think I'm going to die.

I think I might be dead.
I wish I was.
Sep 2013 · 549
weight
Annie Sep 2013
I see sadness in the way you move, as if your only wish
is for the ground to open up and swallow you whole.

I see it in your shifting eyes-they move from my eyes to
the sky to the people surrounding you.

I can see how you yearn to be in someone else's skin;
how your bones ache to be free of your mind.

The corners of your mouth twitch when they try to
reach too high, as if they aren't strong enough to
hold up whatever is bringing you down.
Sep 2013 · 405
i'm sorry
Annie Sep 2013
Her smile cracks in the middle,
and she covers her mouth, trying
to keep her words from escaping.
Thoughts tickle her throat and she
coughs up a few apologies, but
that's all that makes its way out.
Sep 2013 · 275
Untitled
Annie Sep 2013
The hospital air lingers in her lungs;
it's heavier than it should be,
weighed down with screams, tears,
and last breaths.

She still carries them with her,
unable to shake that which vows
to heal. Funny how she's been sick
ever since she left.
Sep 2013 · 215
Untitled
Annie Sep 2013
my writing is ****.

that's it.
Sep 2013 · 485
storm season
Annie Sep 2013
It's funny how memories work,
some are nice and soft like
the sweater you clung to in the
fifth grade when your family
stopped giving out hugs.

But others feel like they're
ripping out a vital *****,
typically your heart, and you
don't know what to do because
you never went to med school
like your parents always wanted.

You're sitting in your room on
the phone and then all of a sudden
a tornado is outside your window
and your ceiling is leaking and
you can hear the wind screaming
for you to just give up already.

The only time you've ever picked
up a hammer was in woodshop in
seventh grade but instead of making
a chess board, it's banging against
every wall in your head and a
chainsaw is cutting up your thoughts.

And so you get through this daily
hell the only way you know: by
counting breaths and dripping
tears on the coat of man's best
friend as you drift to sleep.
Sep 2013 · 889
doll
Annie Sep 2013
She laughs like she's never
Been hurt, her smile isn't
Broken though she's on the
Verge of breaking down.
Sep 2013 · 402
Untitled
Annie Sep 2013
You yearn for someone to care
about you so much that it hurts,
for someone that listens more
than they give their opinion.

You dream of a boy that is
capable of keeping you together,
even though you know you
are the only one responsible.

You've never known love,
raised by a man that taught
you to fear touch and quick
movement and stale breath.

You've known hatred though,
your mother passed down
self-loathing and you've
become a professional by now.

Is it still possible to turn a
self-loathing person
into a
self-loving person?

You've missed your chance
to get help, and now you
self medicate just to
numb yourself.

But numb is terrible.
You're still alive
when you're numb.
Sep 2013 · 490
A new day
Annie Sep 2013
It's 12:01 am and you're crying.
It should be the beginning of a new day,
a fresh start, a blank slate.
But instead you're sitting there
unable to control your breathing,
victim to the way your sobs rock
your body and how your thoughts
invade every safe haven in your mind.
You want so badly to cry out for help,
but you know your voice isn't strong
enough for anyone to hear anymore.
And so you wish for sleep, whether
temporary or permanent, and wait
for the tears to subside so that you
can finally close your eyes.
Sep 2013 · 774
Live. Breathe. Blink.
Annie Sep 2013
Stop blaming your problems on
"society" when you trap yourself
in your own mind.

Don't call yourself  broken
if you've never tried to fix
yourself.

If you haven't used up every
single remnant of your strength
trying to stay alive and
trying to be positive, don't you
dare even think about giving up.

Even when you have reached all that
you can take, take some more.

Your heart is still beating,
your lungs still function,
and you're still blinking,
and you don't even have to
think about controlling
any of that.

So now you think you're broken,
society has hurt you, judged you,
and you can't take it anymore.

Go back to the basics.

Live. Breathe. Blink.
Sep 2013 · 446
Untitled
Annie Sep 2013
Arms too thin for her already
frail body, a frame that is so
unbelievably weak, yet still
stronger than her mind.

A couple scratches on her
arms from when her thoughts
took control, a few clumsy
bruises from her parents
when they tried to fix her.

And she still has the crooked
grin, that smirk that just
screams self-confidence.
Or maybe it's simply to distract
anyone from looking at her
eyes, where grief and pain
attempt to hide in between the
shades of brown and green.
Eyes that have seen too much
but don't want anyone to know,
part of a face trying so hard
to be perfect enough for the
people who are so imperfect
themselves.
Sep 2013 · 418
a boy
Annie Sep 2013
I wish you were the type of boy that could fall in love with words,
who believes that the way my hair falls and the width of my legs aren't
the only parts of me that can be beautiful.
If you could become infatuated with a combination of syllables
then maybe you could learn to appreciate
the girl who wrote them.

But you're not that boy, you're too busy trying to
overcome your own past, and in a way,
I understand.

What I will never grasp, however, is
how you could hurt a girl that only ever
confided in you, a girl that gave you
every inch of her aching heart and just
wanted for you to listen to the
irregular beats.

I simply wanted for you to notice that I was
hurt,
but you assumed that I was
broken.

I never was, and never will be, broken.
I ******* promise you that.
Aug 2013 · 910
i don't pray anymore
Annie Aug 2013
I haven't prayed since you left us.
I remember the phone call like it
was yesterday, and I still get anxiety
whenever I hear that ringtone or
feel a buzz in my pocket.

"Their car what...? Oh my god.
Crushed? What about them?"

I was so naive.
I remember thinking that someone
had stolen your car, trying to
piece together fragments of a
conversation I relive everyday.

"She's gone. Her and her dad...
and her mom? They're gone."

I was so ******* naive.
My worst thought was that you
had been kidnapped. The fact that
you could be permanently gone
had never crossed my mind.

As I watched my mom cry sitting
in that front seat, I began to do the
same without knowing how truly
agonizing this would be.

"What happened mom?"
"They're gone."
"Gone? Where?"
"No, Annie. They're dead."

My dad's hands tightened on the
wheel, no doubt wishing it was
the neck of a bottle. My brother
gasped next to me then became
very occupied with the wrinkles
on the back of the passenger seat.
Mom turned back around as her
body was overcome by silent tears
at first, then very loud heaves of
grief. But I knew she was grieving
for herself, because the family that
had come to be my own was now
gone and she had to take care of
her own ****** up kid.

I remember one tear falling, from
which eye I don't remember, then
another, as I stared out the car
window. They silently fell until
we arrived at our destination,
which was our last "family" trip.  

I don't remember much except
for how I didn't sleep more than an
hour those couple of days, but instead
tried to find a song that could come close
to what I was feeling.

I haven't found one.

Then the funeral service came and
there were girls sobbing with lines
streaking down their faces who didn't
even know your favorite time of day
or how you winked in between silent
conversations or the way your laugh
rocked your entire body and I sat there
unable to form a single ******* tear.

An emotionless corpse.
Just like you.

Someone told me what the last words
were in the car. I didn't ask, but of course
I found out just the same.

"Hold on..hold on and pray...pray."

I don't pray anymore.
Aug 2013 · 650
four years
Annie Aug 2013
Four years.
Countless tears.
I miss you more
with every breath I take.
My chest heaves and I
crumble under the burden
of living without you.
How am I supposed to make
it when the only person who
kept me going is gone?

Just like that. Gone.

No heart-wrenching scream
or desperate plea will ever
bring you back.

And I hate myself for that.
I hate myself every
******* day.

The guilt eats me alive
and tears at my will to live.
Regret fills every crack in
my body that formed
since you died.
Grief doesn't even begin
to describe this hollow
feeling that I can never
chase away with any amount
of alcohol or drugs, no matter
how hard I try.
And I try, oh do I try.

I'm sorry I didn't try that night.
I'm sorry praying didn't help.
I'm sorry.
RIP to a best friend better than best.
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