warm black coffee syrup
down my esophagus
it's a shame
you kinged me when you did
because i have more to offer
than those sweet mint nights
out in those cars
and as much as i wish
i knew how to whisper
to the bees,
I'm glad I can't
I'd rather keep the sting a mystery

I hate to sleep in my own bed-
it is already filled with ghosts
and everything plastered on my walls
is a reminder of everything
i have failed to achieve

your elbow excites me
because the angles
tell me stories of when dew
settled on grass

but those stories are
strictly for my dreams

We had recovering drug addicts come in
Talking to us with their sunken
Ashy eyes
And sweaty palms
You could tell they were nervous by the
Way they carried themselves
Cinder blocks and
Broken piano parts
And their pasts
All clinging to them,
For life support
They talked about how easy
It was to let gravity eat you alive
As you are falling into a black pit
You can’t stop the falling
Their wings were bound to
Pseudo lovers who
Gave them bruised arms
And blue fingers.
If you are lucky enough to
Escape the clenched hands of
Addiction,
The rest of your life will
Be a walking tightrope act
Trapeze dancers
One slip and you are falling
Even faster
Harder than before.
And your family, friends,
Everyone you have ever known is
In the audience watching you
Fall into your premature grave
And there is nothing they can do
But tell you to fly
But you cant
Because you just love your
Mistress too much
To ever let her go.
And they warned us about
How hard it might be to say no
To not let the circus come into
Town, but if you do
Only you can pack up the
Lions, clowns,
Colorful balloons.
Someone asked them if they
Believe drugs should be legalized
And he responded with
If I walk into a gas station
And see drugs for sale I will
Not be able to hold myself
Upright.
But I also do not want a government
Establishment to tell me what I can
And cannot ingest into my body,
So I don’t know.
Newton’s First Law of Motion
States that something will keep moving
Unless some force acts upon it.
And once you start drugs
Or gambling
Or skipping meals
it will progressively
Worsen in time.
Festering in bloodstreams
Until you decide to stop it.

I was starving so
You gave me bread, it was delicious
But soon it lost taste

I took a shower
the water was burning hot
I stood and it went cold

the rain is vibrant
washing away the thick dirt
but the ground flooded

what we have is grand
golden touch and laughs for days
but I feel it ending

All I hear on the radio nowadays,
is my voice telling me
there is something better

Illuminate my eyes with impossible outcomes
oh, my imaginary solidarity
someday our angles will tangle
and we will be rounded
worn down to sawdust
from the friction of
rubbing elbows
but not today
no not today

I wanted to be the sky
I wanted my molecules to
terminate and permeate
into mush
I wanted many things
that I could not have
and looking down upon
this sewer city with
lights and rain puddles
I realize how far
from the ground I am
how far from the ground I
have come

sandy shores and seashell hands
i'm struggling with the idea
of rolling up my trousers
tucking away the clean fabric
or letting the dust collect
onto the seams and hems
into the creases
around my eyes
I do not want those things
that I can not contain

and I see myself free-falling upwards
into the ocean of seaweed and pearls
if only I dared more
if only I tried

oh I wanna try

my head is filled with memories that are not my own

and colors that do not exist

i feel lost

and i miss certain things

that i know never occurred

i want so desperately

to relive - or live

these moments

that happened while

i was sleeping

the marrow in my bones has begun to liquify
hot molten lava bubbling like
a thick *** of boiling chocolate on the stove
the stars are expiring
rotten milk leaking from the clouds
and accumulating in-between wrinkles
that paint your face like picasso
But when I peer into the darkness
all i can make out is you ripping off
your fingernails
exhaust pipes jammed down your throat

i have to shower four times a day
letting the soap drip into my eyes
to distract myself from your face
scrubbing my skin raw and red
rug burns up and down my arms
carve the bruises out of my legs
from the stains you shamelessly left

13 birthday candles left lit,
melting onto the frosting
wax dried and cracked over your lips
asphyxiated, blue, frayed ropes
tied around the wings of the vultures
who desperately try to peck away
at my rotting flesh
but I have yet to die
So can't you see how it is slightly ironic
Cement plastered bodies all dressed up
for a black tie affair
cigars in their pockets
and money crammed up their *** cracks

1:44 am and I cough up all those 'little white lies'
you pre chewed
and force fed me
glazed eyes
and the phosphorescent glow
from the street lamps below
is the only ******* hope I have left
for humanity

dusty books, pages thin and frail
like my mothers bones
decaying and oxidizing - the words fade
when the ink deteriorates
but that doesn't mean they weren't there
you tied a string around my teeth
and ran south for the winter and with each
step you took, a tooth would pop out
a constant reminder that you are no longer
here, but i wonder when i will run out of teeth
or when you will run out of earth
i sat on a friday night indulging myself
in stories and delicately counting the paper cuts on my fingers
but the dainty cuts will never compare to that time we ate cake
until our stomachs became flour, milk, and eggs
and you told me you loved me
then left to **** yourself
drowning in exhaust must be a silent way to go
and that cake won't taste very good in hell
i would know
recall your earliest memory and
divide it by all the unrequited stares
and thats how much i wish you would
untie my teeth, or stop running
and count the number of goosebumps painted on the
back of my neck and that is the
equivalent to the number of ovens you
accidentally left on
but I'm begging you to understand how immense
the ocean is because thats a very long way
to suffocate and salty water
will burn your wounds
Mariana's trench is a dark place
and the letters you wrote me reproduce on the bottom
not even the ugliest scar can revive my flesh that was chained
to those messages
but the meteor craters lick my surface like chloric acid
and all i wanted to do was repeatedly brush my teeth with the ocean sand
and clean my eyes out with mermaid tears
because you left a sickly residue that
hibernates under my fingernails
so next time you open your trunk
and find a mountain of broken glass
just remember that i loved you
i lost my fingers for you
i sold my soul for yours
but it wasn't even close to enough
what else do you want?
should i drain my blood until i am a desert of a human
shall i cut off all my hair?
and even then ill have an eternal debt to you
but you just turn the other cheek
so the plywood under my elbows
applies pressure to my spine
condensed newspapers stuck in the follicles
of the rain drops
but you don't even care

reoccurring fascism
boiling over in my head
led by not only the bureaucracy
to which we sacrifice our
god given rights to
but by the
oppressing society
that force feeds us
elated lies
funneling us into
specific life paths
but I did not ask
to be born into
a fascist society
ruled by
a democracy, which is
more of a
soft spoken dictatorship.

So excuse me if
I would rather
practice my own
beliefs, instead of
shoving money up
my *** crack
while i sit behind
a desk for the majority
of my life.

Not to mention
the 18+ years of
a mandatory education
that only taught
me how to pass
a state standarized test
put together by the same
******* idiots
who are too
brainwashed by the generations
before them to realize
that the state
is their new God-
but refuse to believe
that America,
the land of the free,
is a theocracy.

Instead of involving
myself in that obvious
grueling cycle
I think
I would rather
separate myself
from the state,
society,
and the false belief
of legal freedom
that was drilled
into all of our
heads
(I do not need a government
to tell me I am free,
just by them saying that
expresses that I am only free
merely because
they let me be.)
I am free
because I am human

Crumbled pillars tell the story of strength and perseverance
They tell the story of grave defeat
And the remnants from the weakest link

I am there
Like a dove on a wire
Forget the past comes with baggage
Inhale the sawdust from my hands

Want to be dirt with me?
Insignificant and everywhere
We can disperse into the holes
Left awry in the cages of our chests

Tell me do you want to
Scrape away the poison words
Those insidious parasites
That feed off your intelligence

You are not as important as you deem to be
Be careful
Your honesty is showing

“Love does not exist”

“Love is ****”

“Love is just a word that we make up in our heads to fill our infinite emptiness”,

Is what I say to myself. As if I could drill these beliefs into my head, subliminal messages to soothe my cracked and flaking heart.

These lungs are my own personal generator fueling my skull

Turbines working overtime

Maybe love is the only tangible idea within this existence

Maybe I am just scared

So I bury the idea under the earth, waiting for the tree roots to weave themselves throughout my love

And sprouting a small, delicate oak tree. And one day, it will grow.

And like all flowers or trees, this seed will need water

and plenty of sunshine

Decomposing inside my coffin
my bones, particles, organic matter
begin to separate
in a futile attempt
to save the only aspect of life
worth dying for

Robots, depersonalization
Since when was it my
Responsibility to clean up
your ****** remains?
This is your war and
I am (unfortunately)
just here.

There are a set of standard rules
We must obey
And why preach individuality
When you won’t let me be myself,
When I can not break your
******* chains,
You have bounded me to
Twisted staples- lined us all up
To shoot us in the ******* head
And those precious buildings
Concrete jungles
Slabs and poles and rusted metal
Our savored gems and beauties
are the modern day concentration camps
which we built ourselves
prisoners to a schizophrenic institution
but we are too sick
too far gone
to realize
we are
not only the prisoners
but the guards too.

And how can I escape when
Everyplace on Earth is fighting
Down this path of self
Destructive legal freedom
You do not own me
Don’t tell me I am free
And expect me to bow at your
Feet in praise
Just by you deeming me free
Means it is your decision to choose
I am free merely because
I am human
Alive
Spit in the face of those who
Tell you
You can not
Sculpt your life,
They are not you.

And why should I feel obligated
To obey your laws
Your commands
Social constructs to keep
The caged animals inside
Calm
Unwilling
I am not your ******* animal
Your sheep to herd
Everyone believes we have
Modernized our world
Nothing can hold us back!
Rejoice!
Keeping society in order
With cops and a loaded
Pistols, it’s the same
Thing as priests
And wooden crosses.
We have gone nowhere
In the past hundreds of years
Just changed the scenery
Changed the game pieces
We cannot trust the management
Of our lives to anyone but
Ourselves
Yet, why would you even want to?

The state is our new religion
Money is our Yaweh
Sacrifice our own lives
To please the Gods
And I guess if we are talking
In terms of materialistic faith
Then I am a ******* atheist
Do not jam your religion down my
Throat.
No choice.
No voice.
No dignity-
Is all you have ever given me.
Not freedom,
Not a life worth living.

Please do not westernize,
Can’t you see it is not working?
Painting shadows on rocks,
The hazy glow from the stars,
Moon, and heavens
Above,
And I think the most brilliant
But humbling fact
Is that the world will continue
On without us.
Quite frankly, better
Without us.

I am decomposing in my coffin.
Dissolving on my own terms.
The only thing worth living for,
Is the freedom of your
Own body,
Mind,
And soul.
Fighting for liberation
From these death camps,
Hollow graves we call humans.
everything has hardened-
And the brush strokes of concrete
Metal animals screeching,
The glow of synthetic light,
Will never compare to the real thing.

pierce my eyelids with fish hooks
and reel the thin line in
slamming my eyes shut
so I can finally sleep

I have stayed up countless nights
nailing my body to the hardwood floor
screaming in hopes
that something will change,
nothing does
and in the morning I find
splinters in my back

linoleum tiles replace
the skin on the bottom of my feet
for i find myself either in the bathroom
dying, or the
kitchen trying
and there are no longer
skeletons in my closet,
rather the haunting voices
of family and friends who
chose death over life
and they hang like outdated
fur coats that just
take up space
and I don't know if
I am the hanger or
silk lining inside.

*******
ribs piercing through my porcelain flesh
black hole stomach, intestines empty
like your words
talking to bugs on my ceiling
they tell me to throw it all up
i know you are lying
lie to me harder, darling
food tastes more like disease
and i like it
i like it
i crave for it
give me your vacant eyes
cradle me in your contagious skin
break my bones, cracking with pleasure
but what they don’t know
is that the bags under my eyes are designer
I know everything you don’t want me to
It’s now or never, baby
I figured out you’re a liar
why don’t you tell me how it is
burning fire melting the skin off my face
just like that time he asked me if i liked it
and i said yes
so he sliced open my chest
and poured salt water in the wounds
oh how i liked it

there is a second stomach
and it is where words and sentences go
when you swallow them
instead of saying them out loud
And this process has become such
a mundane and common routine
that my second stomach is
overloaded with ugly
and unforgiving words
and if I am not careful
I will ***** all over you

My worst regret:
I forgot to tell you while your heart
was still kicking that 
I love you
I love you
the last time I saw you,
was march 23, 2008.
(happy birthday)
but you took your yellow bumblebee
coat, caked in ash and cigarette smoke
and you sat in your garage
loaded pistol in the back in case the asphyxiation
was not enough
let me tell you, the exhaust
was more than enough
it spread like wildfire
into my lungs.

13 years old
is a bit young
I blew out the candles
and you blew
out your brains.

I wonder what would have happened
if I told you that
I love you
instead of watching you go
I think we all wonder from time to time.

reflective light from the laptop
it's burning my iris
but I can't stop looking.

I want to write something
so raw
singing songs of truth
and beauty.

I have chocolate muffin
living under my fingernails.
And blisters festering on my
hands from gardening too much.

and I realize none of that is
dazzling or worthy
of these words.
And things should
only be said
if they are absolutely
necessary.

lets have them write books about
how we loved each other so much
that we couldn't stand it
so ******* much
that we did not know what to do with it
so we did nothing
at all

i am too self destructive to love
anyone but myself
and my misery
oh sing me to sleep
and wrap me in the dark
second best
always last
it's better this way

I like winter because it splinters your skin
The cold air slaps you in the face
Bringing you back to reality
Trees shed their summer skin
Leaving nothing but the bare bones
Branches reaching for the sky

I like Winter because it reminds you
That you are alive
And that frigidness throughout your body
Is real
So you
Must be real too

it is easy to kiss a boys lips as his hand slides up your leg
to play along letting the infatuation of the moment
control you like a puppet tied to strings
because ******* means nothing, its like breathing
or sleeping
it comes naturally
that is the easy part
human connection, being with someone
despite how many hours grace the day
or how many miles cut between
emotional connection means they are there
no matter what
not just their unmentionables
indulged in your body
the hard part is holding hands
or sipping coffee, puffing a cigarette
in 5 degree weather, just to be together
relationships, romantic or not
require more than just physical elements
and you ask me why i am already okay
it's like you expect me to miss you
my respect for you has begun to decay
but can we still *****?

Alien encounters
abducted by my own frontal lobe
sand dripping down my toes like those
sandcastles I used to make at the beach
as a kid with peach fuzz dunes and
flower petal skies I want my
orange bathing suit sewed to my skin and
my finger nails cut too short so it
stings when I waltz on surfaces made
of wood or steel or linoleum
like those victorian queen polka days
when we used to lay on the kitchen floor sunlight
vomiting onto our faces and we laughed anyway
I want your mustache forests and I want to believe in them
and you told me I ran so fast I don't know why I slowed down
there are 6 easter eggs hiding in the garden but
one
has a slug on its shell and when you pick up
the tie dyed droplet surface you'll shriek
in delight
in the light
of the moon
the golden one hides in the creases of
the trees and it will remain there for
1 week until you smell the stench
like emerald gas climbing up your nose
I have dreams of flying
falling
thoughts of
icicles and snow angels
pretending I am someone I am not
an actress with all the lightbulbs and glitter
who am I to say it
me me me me me me
back to the hallway extremities
and ski lift blushing and ocean
drowning I can not wait
for the day that I finally realize
what I need to understand
in order to vacuum the carpet
in order to
in order to

There are cannibals in my bed eating
the crumbs inside my head
the crumbs that you left
upon the ground
the things we kept
unsaid
(or said)
either way there was
no sound
entering or exiting
your lips as they danced
entirely still
wonderfully entranced
enigmatic notes struck
on the chord
of feeling and thinking
I am painfully bored
enthralled and excited
hands rolled in corridors
with tobacco droplets
and simple syrup
drowning the thought
of your features
that resemble canyons and hills
i forgot our love
is hibernating in the skin
of a tree in the mountains
outside of sedona
and i forgot the way the pinholed
stars sang to us
and i forgot the way
our hands became one
but it lingers
and it vibrates
it reminds me
of a fold in the fabric
the way it was eternal
yet fleeting
forever
but not nearly long enough

Dream world in an alternate ground reality
where the black trees are shadows
lurking and waiting to consume the firefly
light illuminating my blood
like radioactive sludge pulsing
loving breathing
I want the transcendent mauve sky
to drown me until I am nothing more
than the ideals of humanity
murmuring of the metal birds
and mammals
humming harmoniously with the
beat of my ears
I am not awake
I have been here before
somewhere in a past life
I can feel it rattling in my bones
another radio frequency is found
tomorrow will not come because
everything is here and now
this moment expands as far as the eye can see
and then some
firewood burning inside my eyes
charring my iris
until the blue turns to orange
and the icy barren air fills my lungs
I am a wasteland

the time spent hoping
for rain has been futile.
With each minute passing
second hand tumble our
memories become reduced
to questions, so as I’m
waking up in taxi cabs
wondering where the sky
went, I’ll think of your
lips ******* cancer and
your fingers holding
your future like a
crystal ball fortune
gypsy screaming “these
coming days will be
hard! Your lungs will
collapse and your heart
will turn to stone!”
But you smile and cough
and I imagine you
crying when I say
there is nowhere to go
from here. And now the
taxi man is demanding
a location, but I only
can give him snapshots
with sun-faded ink
cursive and he kicks me
out so I walk home
and try to sleep and
in the morning I forgot
what I did and who I
saw so I didn’t even bother
saying goodbye

window leaning on an old book the cold winter air
spilling into the room like it has been waiting for years
for this moment, starless sky and illuminated hands
colored blotches speaking in the hushed tone of
unobtrusive shades
there is a single cigarette packed away in the stories
and trinkets, it is whispering sweet nothings
in my ear

and you
you have been lurking in the hallways
your hands, thumbprints, lips
etched into the window glass
so every time i look to see the world
you will be there

Your bittersweet presence
brushes chalk dust across my skin
because i desire you here
but i think that is all

open your car door,
light up a cigarette
i say there’s something special
about cigarettes, but I don’t know what
unbuckle seatbelt
you tell me it’s the way you
are prolonging a suicide
it’s like the world is watching you
jump off a bridge,
but not do anything about it
because the fall is slow
i laugh and don’t say anything

leaving your house at 3 am
you tell me not to die
because the roads are bad
and I can barely drive
I snap at you and say
don’t tell me not to die
tell me you hope
it’s instant

on top of a parking garage
my feet almost froze
and i looked at you
and thought to myself
that you are the type of person
i would write poems about not
being able to write poems about
and i wanted to go home
but decided to stay

you did not kiss me goodbye
but, neither did I
unbuckle seatbelt
you asked if i wanted another cigarette
i shook my head and left
you pulled out of the driveway
i hope it’s instant

underwater caves
limited oxygen tanks
and headlights tied around my head
you told me to go home
how the **** do you expect me to go home
when my blood has liquified into
40 proof, nose bleeding
from the white angels sent
from above
and vision double
wide like the target you
seem to of set

come back to ohio
come back to arizona
2000 miles in-between
baby i'd love to, but my mom
is passed out drunk on the kitchen floor
and i haven't seen daddy in a month
i heard he was dating some woman
in West Virginia
I heard that he was happy
without us

10 years ago i broke her cigarettes
hid them above the refrigerator
"mommy you'll die"
"mommy smoking isn't good for you"
she quit that april
and hasn't looked back since
the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
or so they say
i'm knee high in cigarette ash
and beer bottles
and i'm looking so far back
i'm like a reverse version of myself

and you wonder why i don't let people in
and you wonder why I'm so hurt by
you befriending that boy who
I embraced 100%
it's because he saw what i had to offer
and turned the other cheek
he ****** me on the laundry room
floor and then the next day
threw me down the hamper
it's like i belonged with the filth

i kissed a boy i had just met that night
and he had large bass player hands
and his fingers wrapped around my jaw bone
i was being consumed
and he told me i was special
and i did not believe him
but i still pretend that
that night met something to me
but it's already fading
i just want to believe him
but he meant nothing
to me

there are two houses now
separate lives
i haven't seen daddy in a month
and mom stashes alcohol in the cabinet
above the sink
it's 4 am and she still is not home
she's probably ******* some guy
or passed out in the street
and daddy is no where to be seen
they said they hadn't loved each other
for 10 years
10 years ago she quite smoking
I can't help but think she quit
her marriage that year too

i haven't hugged them since I was 7
and the therapist says that is why
I hate being touched
or hugged
or any physical contact
it burns my skin and makes me cringe
why didn't they hug me
why couldn't they of  just loved each other
it's never that simple
but it really should be

im too much of a coward to quit my job
so coming this friday
i will not show up for work
or the day after
or the day after

you taught me how and when to keep my mouth shut
and let the silence speak
to be selfless
i have kept my love for you a secret
and it kills me
but my lips will remain super glued together
it is the only way to make you happy
and i am afraid you are just a lesson
not a soulmate
lessons end when you have learned
i can’t come visit you next weekend
im sorry

im too much of a coward to quit my job
so coming this friday
i will not show up for work
or the day after
or the day after

7 points
3 planes
9 lights
and this fire in my lungs
your presence was overbearing and I had so much to say
Bursting at the seams with such consequential information
I am a coward
I have never experienced a night where cars ceased to exist
And the wind invaded my pores so profoundly
All the things I could not say
God ******
So many moments where I could feel the letters slipping
Out of my lips, but I collected them
And shoved them back down my throat
And then proceeded to **** them with my conscious
"Are you okay", I asked
"Yes"
"I think you're lying"
silence
silence
silence
That was all I could muster up
But what I really wanted to say was-
I know you're lying
And I want to crawl into your cigarette fingers
Give your lonely chapped soul some company
But that does not even begin to portray the images;
Thoughts inside my brain, chemicals reacting
Refusing
Resisting
I am an imbecile
A decaying bundle of festering emotions and words
Slowly rotting my insides, I wish
I could just tell you
How I actually feel

All i find myself deeply caring for is

the discovery of new poetry

a cigarette on my roof at 12:43 am

the ink inside this pen, the paper underneath my hands

and that shoes inside the dryer noise

within my chest

and for some reason, nothing else sticks to me

it rolls off my skin like water on windows

puddling in front of my feet

darling, you don’t matter - maybe in someone else’s eyes

but in mine, you just don’t matter

*don’t take it so personally

I yearn to feel your tree bark arms
the moss settling in-between
your ribs, puddles of
rain water gathering
above your collarbones
I wonder if you smell
like dogwood
or lilacs
or overgrown grass

the wrinkles on the backs of my hands
are starting to look like
roadmaps all pointing
to you, even though
I don't know where "you"
is
somewhere drying up
underneath the sand
brittle bones
and cactus hearts

I have mustered through
futile attempts at growing
a garden with someone else
the plants never bloom
or die with the first
breathe they take
But I have
cleared out this space
in my backyard
for you
It may just be an empty graveyard
overflowing with dirt
and ghosts that
haunt me
when I am weak
but it is for you
and me
so we can
grow

exhaust pipe dreams, gas encrusted
diamond rings
"maybe you're just taking it too personally"
words sharper than the knives
the edges perforated and willing

how can i not take something personally
when you are talking to only me
I understand that you don't know
who you are
but that is no excuse
to treat me
like a speeding ticket
you forgot to pay

i locked you away in my filing cabinet
after today
because not only did you
cauterize your fingerprints
but you erased your
name from my skin
it's like
you weren't here at all

finally we are no one
i am sitting in a room
plastered with
humans
yet
i
feel
so
alone
singular atom
one strand of DNA
not enough to
make anything
do anything
be anything
you made me feel everything
do something
and i did one thing
and it achieved nothing
second hand
counting backwards
cranking it's hours
until there is
only minutes
but even then
it's still 60 seconds
and each tick is a bomb
that has yet to detonate
if you leave
i will detonate
but you can't stay
or I will tie my body
to yours
and throw us both
into the water

letting the sharks
dissemble us like
an assembly line caught
in the VHS tape rewinder
film strung by branches
that I used to call home
shopping carts are the
planters to these trees
and sometimes in the
dirt I find reasons to leave
but you stomp them
out and they
starve
empty
and you look at me
but there is no remorse in your eyes

Recently I have not been eating
I like how it feels
Wasting away
I want to become so frail that I sway in the wind
And disappear like the little burs from dandelions
Yesterday the cold infected my bones
and numbed my fingers
The icesicles in the air scraped my lungs,
But I liked it
Am I a ******* or am I
Mentally ill?
My suicide note is starting to resemble
The coffee I obsessively drink,
And the ink on my skin fading along with my chances
With him
The only way you're ever going to make a difference is if
Your name is in a textbook and children
Are popping bubbles and sticking the gum
In the pages
Is there a part of me that wants to hold onto life?
Why else would I write down my intentions?
If I was completely set on ending things
I would not need to write them down
They would fester in my mind comfortably
But these thoughts seem to fit very awkwardly
Inside my head
Then again,
What's the point in waiting?

there are times like these where the paper stares back
as blank as I stare at it
there are times when my mind stops running and the fog clears out - the pain
has diminished, melted away in the cracks of recent lovers
covering them in a monochromatic film
it dulls the pain

the hum of the vent is whispering sweet nothings in my ear and
i've never noticed how grounding the table is under my elbows
the air tastes of musty filing cabinets but that's okay
because 1,000 years ago it was just a barren field
under my feet

my nose is running slightly and
there's a heaviness in my eyes that I can't explain
but I never knew being happy would mean wrapping up
the memories and burying them
under the desire to be loved

I think I'd rather be sad and introspective than happy and numb
it may be lonesome, but at least I am able to
differentiate between who really cares
and who's only here to say they've climbed the tallest mountain

your name is the only word i can not say

(forbidden in my veins)

and your hands are roots so

when you place them on my shoulder blades

i moan the 7 wonders over and over



I'm going to hurt you

but right now I'm only going to want you

and let you believe in a higher power

as your lips whisper foreign languages

into my mouth -

i want to see the devil in your eyes



Your skin is a desert with no life

so let me give it some water

if only for a second

let me pull your hair

until the only word you can't say

is my name



i want to *******

but i also want to hold your hand

i want to break your heart

and i want mine to be broken by you

You are driving your car
Feet up on the dashboard
Illuminated drops of rain
Racing down your window
Drumline marching ontop of the roof
Dusty warm air blowing
In my face
Melting off the doubts
That were plastered over my eyes
Rennaisance twirling on
My tongue and I want
To tell you as you
Drive through the
Dark
*That I am happy

spirits of the gray concrete lives lost
in the days that never existed
i hope they dont find me
but my breath is louder than my heartbeat
keeping still in the shadows of
my own hard shell
don’t tell him im here
be silent and immobile

the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do
is let go of it all when there
is nothing left
but the memories that
made it so hard to leave in the first place

the fireplace cackles and spits
i throw in my head
i throw in my head and
it burns and chars
scrapes and melts
but at least i am healthy
at least i am porcelain
pristine

the leather upholstery tickles
that patch of skin behind your knee
but you stay silent -
wouldn’t dare laugh
you blink until there
is no longer a life worth
living, do not blink
i plead
keep your eyes open until
they begin to water
salt water tears
until they are red and
burning with truth
don’t you dare blink
just let them see your smile
as you stick your face in the flames

These words can only mean so much
As they clumsily slip off my lips
Losing their meaning as they enter the world
And your confused expression
Contours into regret
Because you wish I had not said it
My drunken babble
But I meant those sloppy words
They were every bit true
But I should have just kept quiet
Then I might still have you

we were driving down the freeway
the air was humid in the 70s
and the cars in the opposite lane
looked like eyes trying
to tell me something
and if you were to swerve
i don't think I would stop you.

So we trudged through a field
of midnight grass
and the purple sky was
starless, the moon
barely had anything
to say
Neither did I
smoke billowing from the
slow suicide in my hand
I watched as it danced inside itself
casting a shadow over
the concrete ground
I want to
dance with you
tenderly as the
cancer danced with
the air.

And the wish flowers
populating the ground
were ghost memories
from my childhood so I
kicked them down and
watched as the burs
whisked away, telling
stories to their kin about how
they lived a worthy life
full of unfulfilled wishes

pool lights from your headlights
onto the white flowers
from the bush you almost ran over
I am so sorry
that you choose to throw away
love after love
I would know, you threw me away
just like
that time we
went to the poetry reading
you wrote in your
journal that you were happy I was here
I was happy too
you crumbled that page
and threw it in the
wastebasket.
So I crumbled my body
and threw myself
down the stairs.


But those poor souls
aren't as solid as mine
and although you managed
to crack me
I inserted a gold plated
filling so I can
sparkle in sunlight
but they do not
have the strength
nor the wits to
do that.

I want to smoke the rain
until my lungs gasp for air
until my hands turn blue
and instead of blood
I will have water sifting
through my veins

so when you hold me tight
I can drown you in the fog
that consumes me
entirely and thoroughly
and even though our
physical realm has crumbled
may our dream realities
coexist
and intertwine
like wool yarn,
knitting socks for
all the questions I
remembered not to ask

“How can you fall in love so easily?”

or more importantly,

“How can you just stop?”

there are bullets zipping
past
inside
into my head
i wish there was
a bullet
blowing up my
head
i can not think straight
because
i misplaced my ruler
and my depth perception
is now all ****** up too
because i can not measure
without my ruler
and my legs
are bricks
and i am trying to chip
them apart
but i keep tearing
apart my fingernails
the brick is too
wicked for
soft hands
and desperate intentions
my intestines are empty
with all the food
i did not eat
i wish i ate
but its too late now
and the *******
remote is missing
its probably with the ruler
i can't change the channel
and its stuck
on some stupid
mtv show,
why doesn't "music television"
play music
anymore

how can a room
four walls and one window
feel like i have been submerged onto the ocean floor
the air is dense and unrelenting as you invade my brain
you insidious creature, you have latched onto to my heart strings
i am trying to peel you away like the skin of an orange
but you keep sticking
and how harrowing is it that
we have an expiration date
the doctors told me we only have 7 months left to live
and i don't know if i can bare the day to day pain
of looking at you
and seeing a ghost
these words we casually spit out should now be
deliberately picked apart
and digested so the meanings and the letters
can flow into our blood streams
I will still be able to detect the faintest bit
of you within me

my eyes are smashing you with jagged glass
whispering distress calls like
"you will hurt me"
"please don't go"
but your depart is inevitable
and we must assimilate to that tragic truth
Your skin will haunt me
the thought of your touch will induce night terrors
Your mellifluous voice shall pluck apart my flesh
As vultures do, but this is the price that I am willing to pay
because you are worth it all
even with this fleeting time bestowed upon us
Darling,
you have imprinted constellations on my complexion
so whenever i ache for your presence
i will be able to pinpoint your location
by the stars you have scorched onto my skin

Rain is stampeding your car, a misty haze indulging the sky
eating the buildings, and the neon lights
break with every misspoken word
that fumbles off my lips
But your silence is solicitous
because you know how it feels to love
and to be unrelenting with this dedication
but it is futile because just like the neon lights
it crumbles and burns out and you are here with nothing
but the consonants and vowels left unscathed
and delirious, jumbled in a pattern only the universe comprehends
but it is night and the rain will continuously fall
despite willing it not to
and you will persist to stay bound in your provincial
mindset, despite willing you not to
i will always be analyzing my brain sequences
because i am that science project that slipped your mind
that 5 dollar bill you misplaced
i am all of those desolate nights spent
staring at your stucco ceiling waiting for it
to blink or move or say something audible
it never does and it never will
and the audacity she believes she possesses
churns my head into an excuse to whisper
all those passive things
subtle seasonings that sprinkle on your eyelids
like lavender dust
the pit of my stomach is darkening, waves shatter the tranquility
because i know the storm is imminent and i can not
fathom how to protect everyone
from the sick grasp of the abhorrent events
that are about to choke your eardrums

carve my body into
your wooden canoe
sail me
like a makeshift craft
into the center of
the storm
i want to chip and fall apart
to the crack of thunder
and your syrupy voice
peeling apart
my insides

tell me something I don't already know
like what is inside
the thousands of books
archived and lost
in the libraries
of your head

gut my organs
with your sharp
unforgiving words
like no matter how much
**** i smother onto my face
I will never be pretty
enough
No matter how much I
starve and throw up
I will never be good enough
and how my writing is too
mediocre.

and when I finally decide
that enough is enough
i'll realize it's never enough
it's never enough for you
taking portions of
my sanity
until there is insanity
holding my hand
with your acid
fingerprints
ghost recollections
of 1 year ago when
instead of you
it was him
and it was ok.

And instead of you it's me
it's always been me
devilish chants
over and over
trudging through thick
hot tar to arrive at
the finish line
but you
I
have bounded my ankles
to the start

I can never forgive you
(me)
for that.

ombre sky from the deepest blue to a sandy shade of
unspoken words
its one of those nights where there is an ambience gathering
around the soft light of the street lamps
and there is a chill in the air, the kind that reminds you
that you will eventually cease to exist
smoking cigarettes is a mysterious thing because
you don't smoke to feel
you smoke to die and although there is a sheet
of black ice licking the bottom of our shoes
and our hands are shaky from too much caffeine
i can not finish these words because
there are no sentences, i can not find the right
combination of 26 letters to say what needs to be said
just know that this night is blurry
and when your hand brushes mine
i no longer need these cigarettes to die

8:04
Rain
Inside and out
Sounding like a dream
And tasting like the bitter smoke from when you caught our bed sheets on fire
(I threw them out)
Charred hearts beating in unison lets hope this lasts forever like the empty pill bottles rolling down hills and right into your shaking hands- stained black from all the buildings
you burnt down
And when I told you about all the abandoned hospitals on the interstate you strung prayer flags and put caution tape all over my naked body because I left my soul underneath the overpass
(I must be a *******)
I continue to eat right out of your ******* hands