I’m sitting in my room lights out window open
its raining so my pillow is wet
but I don’t think its from the rain
and there are clothes thrown around my room
it looks like something a ghost would do to make contact with the living but these are my clothes and I made this mess so I scream
“WHY AM I HAUNTING MYSELF"
into the walls and they just silently stare,
they know why - I guess I know too,
but I’ll never admit that I do

So here I am speaking tongues alone in my room and you are out shaking hands with the faces I have met once before

forgive me if I do not want the hear the details

This book will be filled with the
faces of those who are only
kept alive through my incompetent
words and futile thoughts

Your body is in my mental coma
and I think it’s about time
I pull the plug

/

No words can encompass
the amount of love
flowing from my fingertips

But it is wasted
and filling up the cracks
in the sidewalk

Strangers will trample
my misplaced intentions
and how can I ever be okay
with only seeing you behind
2 inches of museum glass?

open your car door,
light up a cigarette
i say there’s something special
about cigarettes, but I don’t know what
unbuckle seatbelt
you tell me it’s the way you
are prolonging a suicide
it’s like the world is watching you
jump off a bridge,
but not do anything about it
because the fall is slow
i laugh and don’t say anything

leaving your house at 3 am
you tell me not to die
because the roads are bad
and I can barely drive
I snap at you and say
don’t tell me not to die
tell me you hope
it’s instant

on top of a parking garage
my feet almost froze
and i looked at you
and thought to myself
that you are the type of person
i would write poems about not
being able to write poems about
and i wanted to go home
but decided to stay

you did not kiss me goodbye
but, neither did I
unbuckle seatbelt
you asked if i wanted another cigarette
i shook my head and left
you pulled out of the driveway
i hope it’s instant

I was starving so
You gave me bread, it was delicious
But soon it lost taste

I took a shower
the water was burning hot
I stood and it went cold

the rain is vibrant
washing away the thick dirt
but the ground flooded

what we have is grand
golden touch and laughs for days
but I feel it ending

All I hear on the radio nowadays,
is my voice telling me
there is something better

your name is the only word i can not say

(forbidden in my veins)

and your hands are roots so

when you place them on my shoulder blades

i moan the 7 wonders over and over



I'm going to hurt you

but right now I'm only going to want you

and let you believe in a higher power

as your lips whisper foreign languages

into my mouth -

i want to see the devil in your eyes



Your skin is a desert with no life

so let me give it some water

if only for a second

let me pull your hair

until the only word you can't say

is my name



i want to *******

but i also want to hold your hand

i want to break your heart

and i want mine to be broken by you

Alien encounters
abducted by my own frontal lobe
sand dripping down my toes like those
sandcastles I used to make at the beach
as a kid with peach fuzz dunes and
flower petal skies I want my
orange bathing suit sewed to my skin and
my finger nails cut too short so it
stings when I waltz on surfaces made
of wood or steel or linoleum
like those victorian queen polka days
when we used to lay on the kitchen floor sunlight
vomiting onto our faces and we laughed anyway
I want your mustache forests and I want to believe in them
and you told me I ran so fast I don't know why I slowed down
there are 6 easter eggs hiding in the garden but
one
has a slug on its shell and when you pick up
the tie dyed droplet surface you'll shriek
in delight
in the light
of the moon
the golden one hides in the creases of
the trees and it will remain there for
1 week until you smell the stench
like emerald gas climbing up your nose
I have dreams of flying
falling
thoughts of
icicles and snow angels
pretending I am someone I am not
an actress with all the lightbulbs and glitter
who am I to say it
me me me me me me
back to the hallway extremities
and ski lift blushing and ocean
drowning I can not wait
for the day that I finally realize
what I need to understand
in order to vacuum the carpet
in order to
in order to

"i'm only saying this because I care" -
*******
                     He told me I don't pick up on social cues,
                     basically I am a glorified vegetable.

"you're so much better than that"
 * but I can not recall a time when I was...
                    
                     I'm no longer afraid of the dark.
                     I think it's because that's all I see.

plato's ******* cave

"stop being so rude. You make people uncomfortable"
                
                     *how can I stop when my eyes refuse to work
                     I just don't notice it.

                    {Am I not good enough?}
                     I thought things were going to be okay

                    all my friends hate me
                    all my friends are giant *****
                                                           ­             I need better friends

{Maybe it's them not me}

Waking up in taxi cabs
with knotted fingers and
black lungs ash under my
nails “where the **** am
I going”
“I am taking you home”
But the streets are brown
and covered in puddles and I can't
see anything except my own
reflection in the window
I feel like I am drowning in
clocks that tell all the wrong
times and he told me I'm here,
but this isn't my house
“get the **** out”
now the car is polluting away
and I'm walking down foreign
streets with no idea where to
go my phone is dead just
like your ghost in my bed
“what does this mean?”
I wish I knew, but my mind
is terrifying with nightmare
creatures oh my god I wish you
knew I just don't know what
to do

oh
      *no

I want to smoke the rain
until my lungs gasp for air
until my hands turn blue
and instead of blood
I will have water sifting
through my veins

so when you hold me tight
I can drown you in the fog
that consumes me
entirely and thoroughly
and even though our
physical realm has crumbled
may our dream realities
coexist
and intertwine
like wool yarn,
knitting socks for
all the questions I
remembered not to ask

“How can you fall in love so easily?”

or more importantly,

“How can you just stop?”

There are cannibals in my bed eating
the crumbs inside my head
the crumbs that you left
upon the ground
the things we kept
unsaid
(or said)
either way there was
no sound
entering or exiting
your lips as they danced
entirely still
wonderfully entranced
enigmatic notes struck
on the chord
of feeling and thinking
I am painfully bored
enthralled and excited
hands rolled in corridors
with tobacco droplets
and simple syrup
drowning the thought
of your features
that resemble canyons and hills
i forgot our love
is hibernating in the skin
of a tree in the mountains
outside of sedona
and i forgot the way the pinholed
stars sang to us
and i forgot the way
our hands became one
but it lingers
and it vibrates
it reminds me
of a fold in the fabric
the way it was eternal
yet fleeting
forever
but not nearly long enough

Illuminate my eyes with impossible outcomes
oh, my imaginary solidarity
someday our angles will tangle
and we will be rounded
worn down to sawdust
from the friction of
rubbing elbows
but not today
no not today

I wanted to be the sky
I wanted my molecules to
terminate and permeate
into mush
I wanted many things
that I could not have
and looking down upon
this sewer city with
lights and rain puddles
I realize how far
from the ground I am
how far from the ground I
have come

sandy shores and seashell hands
i'm struggling with the idea
of rolling up my trousers
tucking away the clean fabric
or letting the dust collect
onto the seams and hems
into the creases
around my eyes
I do not want those things
that I can not contain

and I see myself free-falling upwards
into the ocean of seaweed and pearls
if only I dared more
if only I tried

oh I wanna try

the time spent hoping
for rain has been futile.
With each minute passing
second hand tumble our
memories become reduced
to questions, so as I’m
waking up in taxi cabs
wondering where the sky
went, I’ll think of your
lips ******* cancer and
your fingers holding
your future like a
crystal ball fortune
gypsy screaming “these
coming days will be
hard! Your lungs will
collapse and your heart
will turn to stone!”
But you smile and cough
and I imagine you
crying when I say
there is nowhere to go
from here. And now the
taxi man is demanding
a location, but I only
can give him snapshots
with sun-faded ink
cursive and he kicks me
out so I walk home
and try to sleep and
in the morning I forgot
what I did and who I
saw so I didn’t even bother
saying goodbye

my head is filled with memories that are not my own

and colors that do not exist

i feel lost

and i miss certain things

that i know never occurred

i want so desperately

to relive - or live

these moments

that happened while

i was sleeping

I write until I have wrung out every drip
of a thought
until there is absolutely nothing left
to say
until even the driest deserts
seem prosperous in comparison

your face is stuck somewhere
in-between truth and
logical fallacy
I can not decide if you
were a dream
or something of substance

now my hands seem more
like mirror reflections
than of flesh and blood
I am afraid I have
written the life from
my veins

Dream world in an alternate ground reality
where the black trees are shadows
lurking and waiting to consume the firefly
light illuminating my blood
like radioactive sludge pulsing
loving breathing
I want the transcendent mauve sky
to drown me until I am nothing more
than the ideals of humanity
murmuring of the metal birds
and mammals
humming harmoniously with the
beat of my ears
I am not awake
I have been here before
somewhere in a past life
I can feel it rattling in my bones
another radio frequency is found
tomorrow will not come because
everything is here and now
this moment expands as far as the eye can see
and then some
firewood burning inside my eyes
charring my iris
until the blue turns to orange
and the icy barren air fills my lungs
I am a wasteland

spirits of the gray concrete lives lost
in the days that never existed
i hope they dont find me
but my breath is louder than my heartbeat
keeping still in the shadows of
my own hard shell
don’t tell him im here
be silent and immobile

the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do
is let go of it all when there
is nothing left
but the memories that
made it so hard to leave in the first place

the fireplace cackles and spits
i throw in my head
i throw in my head and
it burns and chars
scrapes and melts
but at least i am healthy
at least i am porcelain
pristine

the leather upholstery tickles
that patch of skin behind your knee
but you stay silent -
wouldn’t dare laugh
you blink until there
is no longer a life worth
living, do not blink
i plead
keep your eyes open until
they begin to water
salt water tears
until they are red and
burning with truth
don’t you dare blink
just let them see your smile
as you stick your face in the flames

the curtains in this room are shut
but there is sunlight spilling out from under
and around them
it’s like the world
wants me as much as
I wish I wanted it

the last time we spoke I
forgot to use vowels
and i blamed it on
bad reception,
but it was really just me
your words live
with the dust particles
floating in
negative space -
I breathe you in,
but don’t notice

i decide to keep the curtains closed
at least for today
it’s the only thing i can do
to keep your ghost away

Today my hands are purple.
I quit my job.
I gave a tattoo to a friend.
I was driving home through the night,
and thought about driving
straight off the road and into a tree.
I almost did,
I’m not sure if I’m glad I didn’t.

im too much of a coward to quit my job
so coming this friday
i will not show up for work
or the day after
or the day after

you taught me how and when to keep my mouth shut
and let the silence speak
to be selfless
i have kept my love for you a secret
and it kills me
but my lips will remain super glued together
it is the only way to make you happy
and i am afraid you are just a lesson
not a soulmate
lessons end when you have learned
i can’t come visit you next weekend
im sorry

im too much of a coward to quit my job
so coming this friday
i will not show up for work
or the day after
or the day after

the other day a well respected friend of mine
asked me why i smoked cigarettes
as i was sparking up to light one

i was slightly taken aback by this question
and i never really thought about why
so my immediate response was,
"it’s just something to fill my time with",

but upon further introspection
i realized i smoked because
it was a slow suicide
not abrupt,
but long and drawn out

and i am too afraid to **** myself
quickly

warm black coffee syrup
down my esophagus
it's a shame
you kinged me when you did
because i have more to offer
than those sweet mint nights
out in those cars
and as much as i wish
i knew how to whisper
to the bees,
I'm glad I can't
I'd rather keep the sting a mystery

I hate to sleep in my own bed-
it is already filled with ghosts
and everything plastered on my walls
is a reminder of everything
i have failed to achieve

your elbow excites me
because the angles
tell me stories of when dew
settled on grass

but those stories are
strictly for my dreams

i wrote you a 4 page letter,
but I sealed it away in two envelopes
and a roll of tape
because once you read those words
you can not unread them
and you are already so
upset - I do not dare lay
this upon your shoulders.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but none of the sentences came out right
All I really wanted to say was
"I love you, please remember me,
do not leave,
it’s not that I want you to be with me
it’s just I don’t want you to be with anyone else”
and it took me 4 pages to say it.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but then i saw tears struggling down your cheeks
the suns light reflecting off of them
and i will not make it worse
so I folded it in two envelopes
and one roll of tape
and I shoved it in my
3rd dresser drawer down.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but you’ll never see it.
On the second page it says,
" I just want you to be happy"
So I shoved it in my 3rd dresser drawer down.
I can already feel the regret in my blood,
burning red hot
while I watch you go.

I.
i dont know how to be something that
you call home
and ive tried so hard
but everynight it rains
youre always sleeping
in someone elses bed

literally and figuratively

II.
im writing poetry for someone who
i have never met
i thought i was making love
with these words for you
but im not

III.
im still upset that you
cant see how bad this hurts
ill never admit it
because complaining fixes nothing
so what is it worth
i dont know why
it hurts this much anyway

IV.
but i have my mind
chained and *******
like some kind of beast
sometimes i miss when
people called me crazy

V.
being insane-
like an old friend
or love letters from your first
boyfriend in a box under your bed
i just want things to
be okay

VI.
the window pane is a friendly
reminder that i am allowed
to leave whenever
i wish
and these tired eyes
tell me that everything
will in fact
be okay

lets have them write books about
how we loved each other so much
that we couldn't stand it
so ******* much
that we did not know what to do with it
so we did nothing
at all

i am too self destructive to love
anyone but myself
and my misery
oh sing me to sleep
and wrap me in the dark
second best
always last
it's better this way

stale cardboard pizza boxes and
smoke ashy lungs are the most accurate
phrases to describe this summer
and i say that while laughing
to myself, home alone,
at the dining room table
but it really isn't funny
its ******* pathetic
and if you haven't noticed
I'm wearing all black again
and if you haven't noticed
i think i'm sad again

i just want some cigarettes
but i have no money
i just want to get away
but i have nowhere to go
and i just want to be okay
but I'm not
so i sit here writing out my
internal sadness onto paper
like it'll patch up the busted pipes
all it does is publish it front page
for all to see
this just in
i'm angry at the world
and no one cares
(why should they)

don't tell me its just teenage angst
or my hormonal emotions acting up
if i feel it then it is real
and if its real then why would you try
to tell me otherwise
because i have one hand on the trigger
and the other in my pants
or in your pants
or in this bag of chips
and its delicious

its like i just realized how ****** up
everything is
and i think id rather be rejected by the
opinions of man than
the natural order of the earth
so to hell with this place
and by this place i mean you
heres some rocks to fill your pockets
and ill watch as you walk into the river
just following everyone else
no second opinion
we are all afraid to speak

so i guess this is me speaking

it took me 7 cigarettes and two cups of the blackest coffee to get over the fact that
2 months ago you ****** my best friend,
but I assured you I was,
am, not mad.
If anything I was happy
that you could finally say it.

I am regressing back to old habits that I thought I broke
and my Dad told me to say my prayers,
but I am too scared to tell him I gave that up
Everything seems foreign to me and
I can't sleep without my door locked.

You took a drag of your cigarette
a drag so long i got rug burns
on my eyes
you could have sunken a ship
with the way you burnt
your lungs and I feel so bad
for you.

the embers were blazing
reflections in your eyes
tired in from all the worrying
my fingers are stained black
and there are needle ******
all over my body
ash and the stingy
linger from past words
floating in front of your face
like a ghost that you can't quite see
but he ****** my friend
and i ****** him
and he ****** me up

there is nothing in my bones
there is nothing left for you
i threw out all of the leftovers
it all went bad
the refrigerator is empty
besides for beer and dog food
so i shut the door and go to bed
but somehow i still feel like i ate too much
i hunch over the toilet
and throw it all up
the cards are all out on the table
and i was dealt the perfect hand
but i missed my opportunity to win

I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just ******* angry
a house built on hot coals
its bound to burn down
god i wish i was sad
(or dead)
this is too destructive
and we don't have the money
to rebuild it all

underwater caves
limited oxygen tanks
and headlights tied around my head
you told me to go home
how the **** do you expect me to go home
when my blood has liquified into
40 proof, nose bleeding
from the white angels sent
from above
and vision double
wide like the target you
seem to of set

come back to ohio
come back to arizona
2000 miles in-between
baby i'd love to, but my mom
is passed out drunk on the kitchen floor
and i haven't seen daddy in a month
i heard he was dating some woman
in West Virginia
I heard that he was happy
without us

10 years ago i broke her cigarettes
hid them above the refrigerator
"mommy you'll die"
"mommy smoking isn't good for you"
she quit that april
and hasn't looked back since
the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
or so they say
i'm knee high in cigarette ash
and beer bottles
and i'm looking so far back
i'm like a reverse version of myself

and you wonder why i don't let people in
and you wonder why I'm so hurt by
you befriending that boy who
I embraced 100%
it's because he saw what i had to offer
and turned the other cheek
he ****** me on the laundry room
floor and then the next day
threw me down the hamper
it's like i belonged with the filth

i kissed a boy i had just met that night
and he had large bass player hands
and his fingers wrapped around my jaw bone
i was being consumed
and he told me i was special
and i did not believe him
but i still pretend that
that night met something to me
but it's already fading
i just want to believe him
but he meant nothing
to me

there are two houses now
separate lives
i haven't seen daddy in a month
and mom stashes alcohol in the cabinet
above the sink
it's 4 am and she still is not home
she's probably ******* some guy
or passed out in the street
and daddy is no where to be seen
they said they hadn't loved each other
for 10 years
10 years ago she quite smoking
I can't help but think she quit
her marriage that year too

i haven't hugged them since I was 7
and the therapist says that is why
I hate being touched
or hugged
or any physical contact
it burns my skin and makes me cringe
why didn't they hug me
why couldn't they of  just loved each other
it's never that simple
but it really should be

Driving in your car
skin cold from the synthetic air
pumping out the vents
your voice sounded like
a cave
and all of the demons
were crawling out of it

ears defying common sense
the boy who broke my heart
who made me this way
is now the newfound
piece to your collection
my heart feels so
deadly.

2 more months until you are gone
and for some reason
i am counting down the days
summer is just another season
one where i don't want you to stay

how can you ******* look me in the eye
when you knew the whole story
and expect me not to
**** everything between us

i dropped my phone and
the screen shattered
and i don't think I'm going
to fix it this time

I.
when i see your face it is almost
like i am staring through a
tinted car window
and whenever i think of you all
I see is a decaying brick wall
i was never able to pass through
and I have come to that breaking point
where I will never get
anywhere with you.
Forgive me for
completely abandoning you
pulling away
moving on
but understand you made me do it.

II.
You ****** me and expected me
not to fall in love.
When I told you I was falling,
you did not even bother to
say goodbye.
I have hated many people in my lifetime
for petty stupid reasons
I don't think  really hated them at all.
I have tried to mend our shortcomings
but I can not bring myself to respect
someone like you.
You threw me away
and left me at a concert
while holding my best friends hand.
Forgive me for
hating you
but understand you made me do it.

III.
The idea of you was enticing
I really thought I loved you,
but etched letters in trees
and sad songs were not
enough to make me stay.
i am sorry
I wish things were different
and I wish I was not
such a hypocrite.
Forgive me for hurting you
but understand that
you had nothing to do with this.

IV.
15 was too young to lose my innocence
Or to have it stolen from me
Justifying your actions
with my commitment
and total naiveness.
It has been so long since I was seen you
you're touch has faded
and voice is muddled.
I wonder
if you are the same
Forgive me for leaving you
But understand you made me do it.

pierce my eyelids with fish hooks
and reel the thin line in
slamming my eyes shut
so I can finally sleep

I have stayed up countless nights
nailing my body to the hardwood floor
screaming in hopes
that something will change,
nothing does
and in the morning I find
splinters in my back

linoleum tiles replace
the skin on the bottom of my feet
for i find myself either in the bathroom
dying, or the
kitchen trying
and there are no longer
skeletons in my closet,
rather the haunting voices
of family and friends who
chose death over life
and they hang like outdated
fur coats that just
take up space
and I don't know if
I am the hanger or
silk lining inside.

My worst regret:
I forgot to tell you while your heart
was still kicking that 
I love you
I love you
the last time I saw you,
was march 23, 2008.
(happy birthday)
but you took your yellow bumblebee
coat, caked in ash and cigarette smoke
and you sat in your garage
loaded pistol in the back in case the asphyxiation
was not enough
let me tell you, the exhaust
was more than enough
it spread like wildfire
into my lungs.

13 years old
is a bit young
I blew out the candles
and you blew
out your brains.

I wonder what would have happened
if I told you that
I love you
instead of watching you go
I think we all wonder from time to time.

there are bullets zipping
past
inside
into my head
i wish there was
a bullet
blowing up my
head
i can not think straight
because
i misplaced my ruler
and my depth perception
is now all ****** up too
because i can not measure
without my ruler
and my legs
are bricks
and i am trying to chip
them apart
but i keep tearing
apart my fingernails
the brick is too
wicked for
soft hands
and desperate intentions
my intestines are empty
with all the food
i did not eat
i wish i ate
but its too late now
and the *******
remote is missing
its probably with the ruler
i can't change the channel
and its stuck
on some stupid
mtv show,
why doesn't "music television"
play music
anymore

do

re

me

stay with me

fa

so

la

later than this

ti

do

do not leave

so soon

you are

my song,

i can not imagine

my life

without music.

We had recovering drug addicts come in
Talking to us with their sunken
Ashy eyes
And sweaty palms
You could tell they were nervous by the
Way they carried themselves
Cinder blocks and
Broken piano parts
And their pasts
All clinging to them,
For life support
They talked about how easy
It was to let gravity eat you alive
As you are falling into a black pit
You can’t stop the falling
Their wings were bound to
Pseudo lovers who
Gave them bruised arms
And blue fingers.
If you are lucky enough to
Escape the clenched hands of
Addiction,
The rest of your life will
Be a walking tightrope act
Trapeze dancers
One slip and you are falling
Even faster
Harder than before.
And your family, friends,
Everyone you have ever known is
In the audience watching you
Fall into your premature grave
And there is nothing they can do
But tell you to fly
But you cant
Because you just love your
Mistress too much
To ever let her go.
And they warned us about
How hard it might be to say no
To not let the circus come into
Town, but if you do
Only you can pack up the
Lions, clowns,
Colorful balloons.
Someone asked them if they
Believe drugs should be legalized
And he responded with
If I walk into a gas station
And see drugs for sale I will
Not be able to hold myself
Upright.
But I also do not want a government
Establishment to tell me what I can
And cannot ingest into my body,
So I don’t know.
Newton’s First Law of Motion
States that something will keep moving
Unless some force acts upon it.
And once you start drugs
Or gambling
Or skipping meals
it will progressively
Worsen in time.
Festering in bloodstreams
Until you decide to stop it.

reflective light from the laptop
it's burning my iris
but I can't stop looking.

I want to write something
so raw
singing songs of truth
and beauty.

I have chocolate muffin
living under my fingernails.
And blisters festering on my
hands from gardening too much.

and I realize none of that is
dazzling or worthy
of these words.
And things should
only be said
if they are absolutely
necessary.

we were driving down the freeway
the air was humid in the 70s
and the cars in the opposite lane
looked like eyes trying
to tell me something
and if you were to swerve
i don't think I would stop you.

So we trudged through a field
of midnight grass
and the purple sky was
starless, the moon
barely had anything
to say
Neither did I
smoke billowing from the
slow suicide in my hand
I watched as it danced inside itself
casting a shadow over
the concrete ground
I want to
dance with you
tenderly as the
cancer danced with
the air.

And the wish flowers
populating the ground
were ghost memories
from my childhood so I
kicked them down and
watched as the burs
whisked away, telling
stories to their kin about how
they lived a worthy life
full of unfulfilled wishes

pool lights from your headlights
onto the white flowers
from the bush you almost ran over
I am so sorry
that you choose to throw away
love after love
I would know, you threw me away
just like
that time we
went to the poetry reading
you wrote in your
journal that you were happy I was here
I was happy too
you crumbled that page
and threw it in the
wastebasket.
So I crumbled my body
and threw myself
down the stairs.


But those poor souls
aren't as solid as mine
and although you managed
to crack me
I inserted a gold plated
filling so I can
sparkle in sunlight
but they do not
have the strength
nor the wits to
do that.

carve my body into
your wooden canoe
sail me
like a makeshift craft
into the center of
the storm
i want to chip and fall apart
to the crack of thunder
and your syrupy voice
peeling apart
my insides

tell me something I don't already know
like what is inside
the thousands of books
archived and lost
in the libraries
of your head

gut my organs
with your sharp
unforgiving words
like no matter how much
**** i smother onto my face
I will never be pretty
enough
No matter how much I
starve and throw up
I will never be good enough
and how my writing is too
mediocre.

and when I finally decide
that enough is enough
i'll realize it's never enough
it's never enough for you
taking portions of
my sanity
until there is insanity
holding my hand
with your acid
fingerprints
ghost recollections
of 1 year ago when
instead of you
it was him
and it was ok.

And instead of you it's me
it's always been me
devilish chants
over and over
trudging through thick
hot tar to arrive at
the finish line
but you
I
have bounded my ankles
to the start

I can never forgive you
(me)
for that.

Decomposing inside my coffin
my bones, particles, organic matter
begin to separate
in a futile attempt
to save the only aspect of life
worth dying for

Robots, depersonalization
Since when was it my
Responsibility to clean up
your ****** remains?
This is your war and
I am (unfortunately)
just here.

There are a set of standard rules
We must obey
And why preach individuality
When you won’t let me be myself,
When I can not break your
******* chains,
You have bounded me to
Twisted staples- lined us all up
To shoot us in the ******* head
And those precious buildings
Concrete jungles
Slabs and poles and rusted metal
Our savored gems and beauties
are the modern day concentration camps
which we built ourselves
prisoners to a schizophrenic institution
but we are too sick
too far gone
to realize
we are
not only the prisoners
but the guards too.

And how can I escape when
Everyplace on Earth is fighting
Down this path of self
Destructive legal freedom
You do not own me
Don’t tell me I am free
And expect me to bow at your
Feet in praise
Just by you deeming me free
Means it is your decision to choose
I am free merely because
I am human
Alive
Spit in the face of those who
Tell you
You can not
Sculpt your life,
They are not you.

And why should I feel obligated
To obey your laws
Your commands
Social constructs to keep
The caged animals inside
Calm
Unwilling
I am not your ******* animal
Your sheep to herd
Everyone believes we have
Modernized our world
Nothing can hold us back!
Rejoice!
Keeping society in order
With cops and a loaded
Pistols, it’s the same
Thing as priests
And wooden crosses.
We have gone nowhere
In the past hundreds of years
Just changed the scenery
Changed the game pieces
We cannot trust the management
Of our lives to anyone but
Ourselves
Yet, why would you even want to?

The state is our new religion
Money is our Yaweh
Sacrifice our own lives
To please the Gods
And I guess if we are talking
In terms of materialistic faith
Then I am a ******* atheist
Do not jam your religion down my
Throat.
No choice.
No voice.
No dignity-
Is all you have ever given me.
Not freedom,
Not a life worth living.

Please do not westernize,
Can’t you see it is not working?
Painting shadows on rocks,
The hazy glow from the stars,
Moon, and heavens
Above,
And I think the most brilliant
But humbling fact
Is that the world will continue
On without us.
Quite frankly, better
Without us.

I am decomposing in my coffin.
Dissolving on my own terms.
The only thing worth living for,
Is the freedom of your
Own body,
Mind,
And soul.
Fighting for liberation
From these death camps,
Hollow graves we call humans.
everything has hardened-
And the brush strokes of concrete
Metal animals screeching,
The glow of synthetic light,
Will never compare to the real thing.

reoccurring fascism
boiling over in my head
led by not only the bureaucracy
to which we sacrifice our
god given rights to
but by the
oppressing society
that force feeds us
elated lies
funneling us into
specific life paths
but I did not ask
to be born into
a fascist society
ruled by
a democracy, which is
more of a
soft spoken dictatorship.

So excuse me if
I would rather
practice my own
beliefs, instead of
shoving money up
my *** crack
while i sit behind
a desk for the majority
of my life.

Not to mention
the 18+ years of
a mandatory education
that only taught
me how to pass
a state standarized test
put together by the same
******* idiots
who are too
brainwashed by the generations
before them to realize
that the state
is their new God-
but refuse to believe
that America,
the land of the free,
is a theocracy.

Instead of involving
myself in that obvious
grueling cycle
I think
I would rather
separate myself
from the state,
society,
and the false belief
of legal freedom
that was drilled
into all of our
heads
(I do not need a government
to tell me I am free,
just by them saying that
expresses that I am only free
merely because
they let me be.)
I am free
because I am human

I am having a terribly difficult
time writing poetry
because all my hands talk about
is you
tracing rib cages
with dried flowers
sap infused fingers
from 6 ft trees
but we climbed them
anyway
but not really
because we haven't
that doesn't mean we can't though
Is it possible to love someone you
never met
yes
because it's happening
the idea of you
makes me happy
despite what you say,
that is a necessary word,
so just imagine
what the tangible
you will do to me
God ******
we will
erase the laws of
physics when our atoms touch
thunderstorms will
be our love songs
and when we kiss
(i hope we kiss)
the sun will
eclipse into
a beautifully dim
day
like it was made for just us
**** the distance
**** me
let's go fall asleep
and dream about
chimney bricks and river rocks
and wake up
next to each other
*******
my hands won't shut up about you

i want to liquify my body

into the fibers of my mattress

solidify your

presence

so i can wake up

in the summer time

with the taste

of your name

on my lips

and your

skin

on my skin

in the summertime

is when i will wake up

to your face

you are a faceless ghost
living in the marrow of my bones
and sometimes
i feel
like you are sitting
right behind me
but there is no one there
when i turn around

i wish you were there when
i turn around
so then
maybe i could justify
that lingering
sensation
on my fingertips

and why i feel
so connected
to the
emptiness in my bed
(and why I whole heartily
believe you
should
fill it)

exhaust pipe dreams, gas encrusted
diamond rings
"maybe you're just taking it too personally"
words sharper than the knives
the edges perforated and willing

how can i not take something personally
when you are talking to only me
I understand that you don't know
who you are
but that is no excuse
to treat me
like a speeding ticket
you forgot to pay

i locked you away in my filing cabinet
after today
because not only did you
cauterize your fingerprints
but you erased your
name from my skin
it's like
you weren't here at all

finally we are no one
i am sitting in a room
plastered with
humans
yet
i
feel
so
alone
singular atom
one strand of DNA
not enough to
make anything
do anything
be anything
you made me feel everything
do something
and i did one thing
and it achieved nothing
second hand
counting backwards
cranking it's hours
until there is
only minutes
but even then
it's still 60 seconds
and each tick is a bomb
that has yet to detonate
if you leave
i will detonate
but you can't stay
or I will tie my body
to yours
and throw us both
into the water

letting the sharks
dissemble us like
an assembly line caught
in the VHS tape rewinder
film strung by branches
that I used to call home
shopping carts are the
planters to these trees
and sometimes in the
dirt I find reasons to leave
but you stomp them
out and they
starve
empty
and you look at me
but there is no remorse in your eyes

I yearn to feel your tree bark arms
the moss settling in-between
your ribs, puddles of
rain water gathering
above your collarbones
I wonder if you smell
like dogwood
or lilacs
or overgrown grass

the wrinkles on the backs of my hands
are starting to look like
roadmaps all pointing
to you, even though
I don't know where "you"
is
somewhere drying up
underneath the sand
brittle bones
and cactus hearts

I have mustered through
futile attempts at growing
a garden with someone else
the plants never bloom
or die with the first
breathe they take
But I have
cleared out this space
in my backyard
for you
It may just be an empty graveyard
overflowing with dirt
and ghosts that
haunt me
when I am weak
but it is for you
and me
so we can
grow

there is a second stomach
and it is where words and sentences go
when you swallow them
instead of saying them out loud
And this process has become such
a mundane and common routine
that my second stomach is
overloaded with ugly
and unforgiving words
and if I am not careful
I will ***** all over you

*******
ribs piercing through my porcelain flesh
black hole stomach, intestines empty
like your words
talking to bugs on my ceiling
they tell me to throw it all up
i know you are lying
lie to me harder, darling
food tastes more like disease
and i like it
i like it
i crave for it
give me your vacant eyes
cradle me in your contagious skin
break my bones, cracking with pleasure
but what they don’t know
is that the bags under my eyes are designer
I know everything you don’t want me to
It’s now or never, baby
I figured out you’re a liar
why don’t you tell me how it is
burning fire melting the skin off my face
just like that time he asked me if i liked it
and i said yes
so he sliced open my chest
and poured salt water in the wounds
oh how i liked it

I
broke
my
record player
today
That's also
the day
you broke
my heart
The
songs
keep
skipping
and repeating
Stuck in my head

4 months later and
I am sitting across from you
But the record player must
have mended itself

It's no longer repeating
And you no longer break my heart