"i'm only saying this because I care" -
*******
                     He told me I don't pick up on social cues,
                     basically I am a glorified vegetable.

"you're so much better than that"
 * but I can not recall a time when I was...
                    
                     I'm no longer afraid of the dark.
                     I think it's because that's all I see.

plato's ******* cave

"stop being so rude. You make people uncomfortable"
                
                     *how can I stop when my eyes refuse to work
                     I just don't notice it.

                    {Am I not good enough?}
                     I thought things were going to be okay

                    all my friends hate me
                    all my friends are giant *****
                                                           ­             I need better friends

{Maybe it's them not me}

Waking up in taxi cabs
with knotted fingers and
black lungs ash under my
nails “where the **** am
I going”
“I am taking you home”
But the streets are brown
and covered in puddles and I can't
see anything except my own
reflection in the window
I feel like I am drowning in
clocks that tell all the wrong
times and he told me I'm here,
but this isn't my house
“get the **** out”
now the car is polluting away
and I'm walking down foreign
streets with no idea where to
go my phone is dead just
like your ghost in my bed
“what does this mean?”
I wish I knew, but my mind
is terrifying with nightmare
creatures oh my god I wish you
knew I just don't know what
to do

oh
      *no

I want to smoke the rain
until my lungs gasp for air
until my hands turn blue
and instead of blood
I will have water sifting
through my veins

so when you hold me tight
I can drown you in the fog
that consumes me
entirely and thoroughly
and even though our
physical realm has crumbled
may our dream realities
coexist
and intertwine
like wool yarn,
knitting socks for
all the questions I
remembered not to ask

“How can you fall in love so easily?”

or more importantly,

“How can you just stop?”

There are cannibals in my bed eating
the crumbs inside my head
the crumbs that you left
upon the ground
the things we kept
unsaid
(or said)
either way there was
no sound
entering or exiting
your lips as they danced
entirely still
wonderfully entranced
enigmatic notes struck
on the chord
of feeling and thinking
I am painfully bored
enthralled and excited
hands rolled in corridors
with tobacco droplets
and simple syrup
drowning the thought
of your features
that resemble canyons and hills
i forgot our love
is hibernating in the skin
of a tree in the mountains
outside of sedona
and i forgot the way the pinholed
stars sang to us
and i forgot the way
our hands became one
but it lingers
and it vibrates
it reminds me
of a fold in the fabric
the way it was eternal
yet fleeting
forever
but not nearly long enough

Illuminate my eyes with impossible outcomes
oh, my imaginary solidarity
someday our angles will tangle
and we will be rounded
worn down to sawdust
from the friction of
rubbing elbows
but not today
no not today

I wanted to be the sky
I wanted my molecules to
terminate and permeate
into mush
I wanted many things
that I could not have
and looking down upon
this sewer city with
lights and rain puddles
I realize how far
from the ground I am
how far from the ground I
have come

sandy shores and seashell hands
i'm struggling with the idea
of rolling up my trousers
tucking away the clean fabric
or letting the dust collect
onto the seams and hems
into the creases
around my eyes
I do not want those things
that I can not contain

and I see myself free-falling upwards
into the ocean of seaweed and pearls
if only I dared more
if only I tried

oh I wanna try

the time spent hoping
for rain has been futile.
With each minute passing
second hand tumble our
memories become reduced
to questions, so as I’m
waking up in taxi cabs
wondering where the sky
went, I’ll think of your
lips ******* cancer and
your fingers holding
your future like a
crystal ball fortune
gypsy screaming “these
coming days will be
hard! Your lungs will
collapse and your heart
will turn to stone!”
But you smile and cough
and I imagine you
crying when I say
there is nowhere to go
from here. And now the
taxi man is demanding
a location, but I only
can give him snapshots
with sun-faded ink
cursive and he kicks me
out so I walk home
and try to sleep and
in the morning I forgot
what I did and who I
saw so I didn’t even bother
saying goodbye

my head is filled with memories that are not my own

and colors that do not exist

i feel lost

and i miss certain things

that i know never occurred

i want so desperately

to relive - or live

these moments

that happened while

i was sleeping