i want to liquify my body

into the fibers of my mattress

solidify your

presence

so i can wake up

in the summer time

with the taste

of your name

on my lips

and your

skin

on my skin

in the summertime

is when i will wake up

to your face

you are a faceless ghost
living in the marrow of my bones
and sometimes
i feel
like you are sitting
right behind me
but there is no one there
when i turn around

i wish you were there when
i turn around
so then
maybe i could justify
that lingering
sensation
on my fingertips

and why i feel
so connected
to the
emptiness in my bed
(and why I whole heartily
believe you
should
fill it)

exhaust pipe dreams, gas encrusted
diamond rings
"maybe you're just taking it too personally"
words sharper than the knives
the edges perforated and willing

how can i not take something personally
when you are talking to only me
I understand that you don't know
who you are
but that is no excuse
to treat me
like a speeding ticket
you forgot to pay

i locked you away in my filing cabinet
after today
because not only did you
cauterize your fingerprints
but you erased your
name from my skin
it's like
you weren't here at all

finally we are no one
i am sitting in a room
plastered with
humans
yet
i
feel
so
alone
singular atom
one strand of DNA
not enough to
make anything
do anything
be anything
you made me feel everything
do something
and i did one thing
and it achieved nothing
second hand
counting backwards
cranking it's hours
until there is
only minutes
but even then
it's still 60 seconds
and each tick is a bomb
that has yet to detonate
if you leave
i will detonate
but you can't stay
or I will tie my body
to yours
and throw us both
into the water

letting the sharks
dissemble us like
an assembly line caught
in the VHS tape rewinder
film strung by branches
that I used to call home
shopping carts are the
planters to these trees
and sometimes in the
dirt I find reasons to leave
but you stomp them
out and they
starve
empty
and you look at me
but there is no remorse in your eyes

I yearn to feel your tree bark arms
the moss settling in-between
your ribs, puddles of
rain water gathering
above your collarbones
I wonder if you smell
like dogwood
or lilacs
or overgrown grass

the wrinkles on the backs of my hands
are starting to look like
roadmaps all pointing
to you, even though
I don't know where "you"
is
somewhere drying up
underneath the sand
brittle bones
and cactus hearts

I have mustered through
futile attempts at growing
a garden with someone else
the plants never bloom
or die with the first
breathe they take
But I have
cleared out this space
in my backyard
for you
It may just be an empty graveyard
overflowing with dirt
and ghosts that
haunt me
when I am weak
but it is for you
and me
so we can
grow

there is a second stomach
and it is where words and sentences go
when you swallow them
instead of saying them out loud
And this process has become such
a mundane and common routine
that my second stomach is
overloaded with ugly
and unforgiving words
and if I am not careful
I will ***** all over you

*******
ribs piercing through my porcelain flesh
black hole stomach, intestines empty
like your words
talking to bugs on my ceiling
they tell me to throw it all up
i know you are lying
lie to me harder, darling
food tastes more like disease
and i like it
i like it
i crave for it
give me your vacant eyes
cradle me in your contagious skin
break my bones, cracking with pleasure
but what they don’t know
is that the bags under my eyes are designer
I know everything you don’t want me to
It’s now or never, baby
I figured out you’re a liar
why don’t you tell me how it is
burning fire melting the skin off my face
just like that time he asked me if i liked it
and i said yes
so he sliced open my chest
and poured salt water in the wounds
oh how i liked it