I
broke
my
record player
today
That's also
the day
you broke
my heart
The
songs
keep
skipping
and repeating
Stuck in my head

4 months later and
I am sitting across from you
But the record player must
have mended itself

It's no longer repeating
And you no longer break my heart

it’s 12:01

although it’s a new day

my thoughts are the same, the walls

are sweating

beading down and puddling in my hands

I want to dissect you,

Discover the folds and crevices of your guts

I want to fall in love

But all I ever seem to fall into

Are snake pits and

***** bath tubs

Snort my left over pencil shavings

And maybe then you will understand my words

Understand why you have

Left me so bitter

The burs were hanging in trees
Like small suicides, ***** of pathetic waste
And I cried because I no longer owned my body
There were chains clasped around my ankles
And attatched to the seedlings
children pluck
and blow away

And I cried because I am a ******* hypocrite
The way I judge you for obliterating yourself
Sacrificing your health to
A girl who does not care
When here I am kneeled over
The toilet
Sacrificing my health
In order to be skinny

Ribs are cracking under the weight of
Piano keys and rich words
Gluttonous demons whisper
Tales of good fortune
In my ears
When all I yearned for
Was to attend my own funeral
All I wanted was to tighten my knee caps
Remove the marrow in my bones
Rearrange synapses
And guts
Replace vital organs
With sand

I ordered a lobotomy for dinner last night
The savory cuts in my cranium
Tasted like chocolate
And I saw myself lying on
The cold slab of metal
Like I belonged there my whole entire life

But the worst part is
I continue to
Believe my worth is dependent on
How much of me does not exist

I keep lighting myself on fire
and watch as the wax
drips down my body
settling in a lumpy mound
beneath my feat

and

You keep lighting yourself on fire
Until you are nothing
But charred insides
And wasted potential
tortured by everything you were too afraid to do

there are bombs fused to each of your legs
and all you're waiting for
is for me to tell you
it's okay
for me to dust away the gun powder
but that is not my job
you are going to need to save yourself

i am a phantom
a shadow of my carcass from yesterday
I only exist in your perception of me
but truth be told
in the entirety of your whole ******* life
you failed to realize
that i am more than just a body
you don't just buy a shell
and expect it to eat and drink
you buy the turtle
who will wear the shell, and give it the
the life it needs to move

i have dreams of slicing open my skin
and rays of light ooze out of me instead of blood
my existence depends solely on
my concious
but your existence depends
on my perception of you
without me you would destruct
without you I would be nothing but a fold
in the fabric of space
an idea at best
but most likely an unknown
force that guides the wind through your hair

every moment is a paradox,
a contradiction
because what is the point
when all life really is
is prolonged death - romanticized

the answer can not be fabricated, or known
only pondered
and it is within the pondering,
that you realize this:

it's 3 in the ******* morning
i need sleep
and these words have endless meaning
but I'm never going to find an answer
and I'm craving a grilled cheese