I've always believed that I needed you,
That I had to be validated,
That parentless children could only be the sum of their genes. That my two shadows foresaw my only hope: a shadow myself. She, a mother who cant love, shown me her care recently.
But I no longer needed it.
I no longer craved it.
Her words though sweet - no longer held so much meaning.
Because I've met someone whose teaching me to validate myself.
To not speak so unkindly about who I am.
They tell me that I'm not a monster, and am special.
I've never felt more free or happier.
You, though someone I love,
cannot be my reason for living.
for you've proven untrustworthy,
In your lies and how my time is unimportant to you.
And so I shall learn to love myself.
I no longer need to attain that which is unattainable.

Don't say such sweet things,
don't you know what your doing?
These words fire not arrows,
but launch missiles at my heart,
and with each,
my heart explodes a little,
into shimmering pieces,
that dance to the ground in fragments.

Im a shy person,
I walk in the hallway with my head down,
and my face turns bright red with a single word,
I always wish I could say Hi to those around me,
but my voice whispers in silent panic,
I admire those who easily talk,
and know exactly what to say,
My friends call it cute,
I call it problematic,
At home I could imagine up any nonsense,
and talk until my mouth grew weary,
I can be the most opinionated girl you've ever met,
or the quietest mouse that causes curiosity to prickle at your mind

Words won't flood forth,
nor tell what my heart truely says,
How often do I think of you,
how often do I wish to see you,
and to be able to tell you,
that time we spend together is the best part of my day.
That I await such moments anxiously.
But my heart quivers at saying such words,
and grow more and more nervous.
I question everything I do or say,
until I remain quiet.
Hidden in a shield of shyness,
When inside I'm dying of happiness,
just standing next to you.

Silence my heart,
You pound with joy too much.
Your dancing leaving me breathless.
Silence my mind,
You weave too many thoughts,
that spin in ever-chanting gears.
Silence my fingers,
your tapping leaves words too often written,
and with many gaps left unresolved,
Silence my mouth,
you speak far too often,
when you know not what to say.
Silence my heart,
you beat much too fast,
and leave me in exhaustion.

I'm walking on air,
Happiness spreads through me in tendrils,
as if wings have sprouted forth.
There is no cloud nine,
just miles of sky for me to soar through,
and yell how much I adore you.
How lucky I am,
How happy I am.
But I couldn't.
I'm too shy,
All I can do is to whisper these words,
into the corner of pages,
that will never be read.

I have a soft heart.
Not in the way of kindness,
Nor angelicness,
Because I do not believe I am either.
But in the way that it is fragile,
Easily maimed and torn.
But it's also easily delighted and embarrassed.
You cause my soft heart to leap and bound,
Singing towards the sky.
My soft heart has little experiance,
And you,
Being the adorable cuddly one you are,
Cause my heart to take flight,
My soul flying with it.
My mind then leaves its quarters,
As my thoughts roll out the window.
And I am left in a happy daze,
Wondering if I'll ever wake from this dream.

That is my catch phrase,
I'm sorry for never realizing,
I'm sorry for the pain I caused,
that everything happened wrongly,
that i'll never understand,

I've said it so many times,
my chin pointed towards the floor,
my eyes shadowed by sorrow and regret,

I'm sorry I'll never be enough,
I'm sorry I made you cry,
that I caused your smile to fade,
sorry for the things I've said,

I hurt you and others,
relentlessly,
mercilessly,
and unknowingly
stabbing them,

you see,
Im sorry for everyone i meet,
because I'll only cause them trouble.

Dear Soulmate,
I hope your out there.
Are you listening?
Sometimes I'm trapped,
my thoughts being the walls that hold me in place.
I question your existence.
I wish you'd find me soon.
I know I'm insecure,
I have so many flaws.
Could you wrap me in warmth,
kiss my tears away?
Cradle me with your time?
I don't want your money,
Or objects.
I just wish you'd enjoy being by my side.
I might push you away at first,
My walls as thick as my tears.
I'll feel too much,
Be shy one moment,
outgoing the next.
I ramble on,
Or not at all.
I'm easily jealous,
over emotional.
I hate myself.
But could you love me anyway?
Know that I'm working on it,
and love me where I'm at?
I'm by no means perfect,
But im happy.
And I want you to be too.
I no longer am a weak princess,
needing to be saved.
But I'm moving forward,
Hoping our fates will meet.
I love you,
Please find me.

Dear Soulmate,
I've finally made so many friends.
So many passions,
and aspirations.
I know who I want to be.
I've made so much progress in my life.
But I still find myself wishing you could be by my side.
I wonder how your doing.
If your happy and whether life is treating you alright.
I want to meet you soon,
But I know that I'll see you at the perfect moment,
Fate knows when It'll bring me to you.
And I'll be overjoyed to get to know you,
Your beautiful imperfections,
and your own joys.
Until that day,
I hope life treats you well,
I love you,
Keep going.

Dear Soulmate,
I'm sorry it's taking so long to meet me,
Every minute,
Every hour,
Every year,
Every decade spent,
Is so that you'll get to see the me designed for you,
Every trial we go through,
All so that I'll grow into the girl you meet,
Or you,
The perfect one for me.
And maybe your lonely,
Sad,
Or scared there without me.
And I'm sorry,
I long to be by your side.
But it'll all be worth it,
The day I finally meet you.
I'll love you.
I wanna meet you.

Dear Soulmate,
How many?
How many lovers will I mistake for you?
How many kisses until my lips reach yours?
How many, "I love you"s,
The beautiful lie,
Until it becomes a truth upon your ears?
How many tears,
heartaches?
Sleepless nights,
Until I can sleep in your embrace?
I miss someone I've yet to even meet.
I love you,
But I don't even know you.

Did your eyes ever become for me like stars?
Or your name,
my beacon when I'm lost in a desert,
Starved and piling sand into a gourmet meal,
As if the wealthiest have met with me,
And I, an honored guest at their party,
I bow to the host,
Before his flakey head crumbles to the ground,
And the other guests shriek at his absence.
The stars could've guided my way,
Out of this birthing grounds of delusion,
But here I sit,
throwing a fit in the sand,
as grains shoot against the sky in my frustration.
As they plummet back to Earth,
Another guest comes crashing to the ground.
Who needed her company anyway?
I begin to kick the guests,
Letting their knees buckle as they meet my floor,
until I'm once again all alone.

There's a caged child within me,
Somedays it's happy and immature.
Other days it decides to throw a temper tantrum.
There's a caged child within me,
I poke it with a stick,
and starve it.
It begs for food,
any morsel will do,
but I call it ungrateful and filthy.
The child keeps screaming.
It won't shut up.

********

There's a girl out there.
Somedays she'll smile,
It's a beautiful sight.
Other day's she's sad and crying.
There's a girl out there.
She pokes me with a stick,
And won't feed me.
I try to pretend I'm not hungry,
But my stomach keeps rumbling.
She gets angry,
and yells a lot.
It hurts,
and I can't stop my tears.
I don't want her to know.

Now she's crying.
She says she's sorry.
But
Im still
Hungry.

During the most odd hours of the day,
I find myself craving you,
Imagining your warm embrace,
Desiring to be in your arms,
Thoughts so unlike myself,
So greedy and relentless,
Flow through,
Wishing you were here,
So I could lean my head on your shoulder,
Cast myself from reality,
So I could be with you.

I'm always stuck,
whether it's trapped in my own sadness,
or too excited for words.
Two extremes that rarely meet.
Until I met you.
Now even when I'm caught in gloom
you easily bring me to smile and laugh,
and somehow I know I'll be okay.

Family is a rose.
It's scent and language so sweet,
but having dangerous thorns when you poke it just right.
Family is the wind,
A comforting gentle breeze with the capability of a tornado.
It is a long day in the snow,
Where it's comforting and beautiful,
But can turn to frostbite if you stay too long.
It's a long swim,
when the water feels just right,
But you shrivel up after a while.
Family can be a bittersweet thing.

Their corners hold secrets,
Darkness lingers in their depths,
Hiding them in vast thickets,
Making the most noticeable of them as quiet as slow breaths,  
What is beyond the mind's understanding.
She can't see these shadows,
Whose fluctuating contour is standing
In the obscurity that could belong in sideshows.
It's sepulchral aura haunts her,
Not knowing what  lurks beyond the mist,
That dwells in her mind, seemingly a blur.
Wishing that such thoughts would no longer persist,
Her deepest secrets,
Kept by the keeper of the clock,
Wanting to hold them locked within her caskets.
This is her own Pandora Box.

He was so young.
His father his sky,
and he a mere wonderer on Earth.
It happened suddenly,
and few could've predicted it.
The sky came tumbling to Earth.
in an explosion of trauma and anger,
He boy began to ruin his own life.
Few could understand him,
memories were his tormentor,
something they could not obtain.
How could they know what he felt,
they rarely remember that sky as he had.
And so the boy turned his face from the empty sky.
He took those memories for granted.
And began to waste away.
They noticed his pain,
could see the bonds that held him,
and wished to help,
but he denied,
and turned to poison instead.
Yet this could not bring back the sky,
and he fell deeper and deeper into the darkness.

I wanted to write a poem,
In which I captured your very essence in nature,
to personify all that you are,
by using the most gorgeous of things.
But instead I came to realize something.
You are the very essence of Autumn.
Your smile glows as brightly as the moon when all else appears dark,
It's a time of childlike awe and wonder,
a cheerful season whose very existence is based on fun.
The colorful leaves sigh your name as they float to the earth,
their dazzling colors shaping a happy atmosphere,
wishing to go with a bang of color,
the star of the show before winter rolls around.
You can hear the crowds murmuring their adoration for the trees,
For the light breezes you enjoy,
Before the snow begins to fall,
and the world turns cold.
And so I had wanted to write a poem,
one where I captured your very essence in nature,
by using the most gorgeous of creations.
But instead I came to find that,
You are the very essence of Autumn.

The cliff overlooks the sea,
it's breeze rolls over the flowers that set on the mountainside,
A girl sits on the cliff's ledge,
dropping her feet and swinging them to the melody of the wind,
This Is Her Happy Place,
But on rough, stormy, days
she sits in a room,
huddled against the corner,
unsure wether tears will spout,
or if she will shake in fear,
shouting words ring in her ears,
lingering in her mind,
What had happened?
Even she didn't know.
Think back to that sunny day,
when the blossoming flowers
sent sweet aromas rising into the tangy, salty air,
think back to that lush day,
where trees maneuvered on the mountainside,
over the path leading to a far distanced paradise.
A sunny, breezy, happy day that covers every scream,
covers every tear,
A fake smile that was created as an illusion.

gazing into the icy glass,
my eyes entranced by it's appearance,
only to gasp at the other me,
mercilessly smiling an alluring crinkled face,
My twin stuck in the past that I stare at,
In the halls there is everyone,  and no one,
I go unnoticed,
I make no difference,
I stare into that mirror as I walk through my daily life,
she criticizes my every motion,
my every word,
my voice is a faint whisper in all the static,
Laughing,
gossiping,
shouting,
it surrounds me, hiding me from a world I've never known,
their world of the light,
I've never entered those glistening gates,
but instead cowered in my corner,
hiding myself from them,
I try to be noticed, not wanting to disappear,
I wave good morning: a voice replies each time,
"maybe I'm not invisible"
as my hearts wonders this,
the mirror replies with so many answers,
I get stuck in it's trap,
the trap of my past:
"your never good enough,
look at yourself,
They always leave,
everyone will just disappear,
just become invisible again,
no one will ever notice,
you shouldn't have spoken"
My nagging mirror has me in it's grasp again,
and I've been trapped ever since I could remember.

Such a small delicate being,
so easily does it wilt,
taking all of it's life,
and sipping it through it's intertwining roots,
once plucked,
it withers into a dark, shut off, decaying mass,
it's life is too easily finished,
Though small,
their voices are loud,
in the form of vivid scents,
spiraling sensations through passer-by's noses,
they take what nutrients are given,
and create a life for themselves,
A flower was given,
from a kind heart,
only to die within moments,
Her voice fades away,
as weeds tug at her throat,
not a word that can be heard anymore,
when uprooted,
give a flower sunlight water,
sing sweet words into her ears,
she'll grow,
stretching towards the sky,
but cut off her  roots,
and she'll never bloom again,
Such a strong flower,
but too easily cut off

They say my poems are filled with sorrow,
and that is mostly true,
They say that my poems, though filled with emotions,
are too sad to ever be written,
They say these words should never hit the page,
that sorrow should not be shown through poetry,
and that these feelings that pain us to show anywhere else;
should never be shown in any form,
She dislikes my work,
wishing I would write happy poems,
ones that do not free me from my worst fears,
ones that do not cry for me the tears I cannot otherwise spill.
They save me from drowning,
offering a life raft on a merciless wave,
but they say they would prefer to see me drown,
in a storm of my emotions.
Where poetry will save my soul.

The saying goes that if you give a girl a bracelet,
it's equal to putting her in handcuffs,
the saying goes that a ring is possessive.
But if you were mine I would give you a necklace,
After all, the saying goes that a necklace is a collar.
And I wish the world knew that you were mine, and mine alone.

The wind embarrasses me,
Her wispy hands tug on my skirt,
As I try to keep it from her grip.
The wind embarrasses me,
She drags her fingertips through my hair,
freeing my hair from it's tie.
Her breath sending shivers down my spine,
As she blows on my neck.
The Wind embarrasses me,
She toys with me,
One moment enveloping me in her cooling air,
the next giving me space and allowing warmth to edge it's way back into my veins.
Yet why do I,
find such a warmth in her presence,
as if her cold breath was nothing more than a loving embrace?

She's so unsure.
She's not used to these sort of things.
Having them all piled on her last minute,
with little time in between.
It's not as if they were unthoguhtful,
or wanted to cause her such a headache.
Life just played out the way it will.
One daughter giving one tidbit of news,
the other another.
There's no need for surprise from her reaction ...
It was expected.
But can't she put some trust in us?

So much time had passed,
Since I last felt sorrow this deep.
So much time had passed,
Since I last felt it's intensity.
Why do my sorrows drown me?
And my joys elate me beyond belief?
Why must woes taste so bitter,
And happiness so sweet?
Recently my joys were all around me,
Surrounding me like rays of fresh sunlight.
Now darkness slithers into the deepest crevices,
And how I know it's misery.
I wish to feel the warm winds
Those that ride happiness,
A calming air.
But only a drizzle of tears will come.
It's droplets scorch my skin,
As they fall,
Wishing to bid them adieu,
I rub my cheeks.
sadness and I are old acquaintances,
leaving me as a victim of this relationship.

They say time is a river.
Washing over you,
cleansing you from past tormentors.
I never believed this.
That these problems could just disappear.
It's not as if they just vanished,
I just don't care as much about back then.
It's finally in my past.
The river has helped old woulds to heal,
and made room for new possibilities.
I had never believed time could heal these tears,
But somehow ... it did.

Time holds with it many wonders,
Many mysteries yet to be solved.
It grasps answers and stats,
The evolution of exotic genes and habits.
But what does time have in store for someone like me?
Genes will never answer my questions,
One who has rarely seen her biological parents.
What wonders are devised to fulfill my hours,
What mystery awaits for one such as myself?
One who even Darwin himself could not classify.
Time mends all wounds,
But can time resurrect my lost soul?

A blur.
That's the best name for a day like today.
Where it impedes on your vision,
as it does memory.
Where little is accomplished,
and yet so much needs to be done.
Where dizziness settles in,
and all you're doing is just existing.
Days like this are perfect for napping ...
until you can't anymore and are laying there ...
silently existing again,
With nothing but your thoughts to accompany you.
Your screaming thoughts that refuse to go away.
Not the sweet love driven ones,
capable of fixing any mountain of gloom,
but that created from worry and anxiety,
where everything seems muffled,
in a dark hue.
Where every worry and insecurity,
that usually creep in the corners of the mind,
come forth to haunt you.
If anything at all,
today was a blur.

It's cold metal was gnawing at my forehead,
His weight shifting ever further,
Fear gripped me in it's clutches as I awaiting my last breath.
He equipped me with a last request,
Deciding to take my chances I questioned to see my demise.
I turned to face him ...
But what I saw was shocking.
I stumbled over myself,
gasping for breath.
I could hear my breathing as it quieted,
could barely feel the pain through my flesh.
All that was left was my last image.
In front of me he had stood,
shouldering a gun in his right,
while cradling a teddy in his left.
His boys behind him wore sickly masks,
he was adorned with a mask painted onto it with a cat's blushing smile.
I did not stumble in shock,
let it be known had this wound not have killed me,
the laughter would've.
It was truly an unexpected death.

Words Vanishing,
Thoughts Melting,
Vision Blurring,
Mind Racing,
Heart thumping,
Love Unending,
How can I express these feelings?
How can I put my thoughts to light,
And my feelings to life?
Do you know my love?
Do you even know,
What you do to me, my sweet?

I was once told,
That anything personal is also universal.
I am not alone.
My thoughts and feelings are not new occurrences but have been felt and thought before me.
You share my heart,
those who read my poems.
We can see eye to eye,
and yet we never met.
I read your heart as I read your poems.
and you read mine as you absorb my words.
But when you read my poems,
and if your taken with them,
a piece of your heart understands that I am writing feelings we share.
Not only are they shards of my heart,
but reflections of yours.
I bare my heart for you to see,
but rather than being separated by glass,
I hold your heart as well,
for you to come to realizations,
for you to better understand your self.
This is the purpose of poetry.
So not only is what I write deeply personal,
But humanly universal.

How much do you love me?
I realize this question is formed,
From uncertainty,
You are my sky,
My galaxy,
I wish to map every star,
And call them each by name,
How much do you love me?
You make my galaxies collide,
Stars collapsing and expanding,
Until only your image remains,
How much do you love me?
An ever - present worry,
Resounding in my thoughts.

I don't know what to say,
nor what words to use.
I was struck speechless by you.
Maybe it was embarrassment,
Maybe it was fear,
from those who haunt me.
Maybe it's just so new that I was caught off guard.
I really have no clue.
I felt numb,
cast between the gates of happiness,
and the cliffs of my own insecurities.
Caught in the firing of the bullets that question and caution.
"Don't become a monster"
"Be the perfect Model"
"Am I disappointing them further?"
"I don't even deserve love"
"How could someone feel like this for me?"
I want to cry to the heavens,
"I don't understand!"
And hope for a response ...
But do they still stand by me?
Have I been exiled,
Or do I sit in my father's kingdom?
I'm lost,
So very lost,
Wandering from home,
wishing for answers.
How could anyone love me?
Why am I confused over your desire?
Of two things I'm certain,
I love you
&
am confused