my hands smell like gasoline
my heart is on fire
the friction of you pulling my heart strings ignited a flame
i can't take this heat
who's to douse my love in a torrential rain

with astounding longevity
my heart was so heavy
drowned with waves of depressing... worldly... insolutions...
a burden of problems unsolved.
give me one, give me two.
life is a theater
these "humans" think it's neater
to glorify a people pleasing persona upon their pedestal stage.
how can my own life in my chest not be heavy with red on the left and white on the right...
satan bleeds his blood.
white gives her life.
which shoulder weighs more...?
a category of "a" and "b," "one" or "two," "x" and "y."
which media story will fit in line.
well fine, let's get real.
the world is ******.
wait **** you need to duck..
here comes a flock of incompetent ridiculing opinions.
they'll hit you in the head,
make you feel close to dead.
have you got it?
have i picked a lock to get you to understand?
that maybe my chest
                         aches
                         at
                         night
cause the longevity of THIS life,
well,
my heart can't take it.

like a tattered and ratty rag,
i've been worn down day by day.
by constant use and abuse,
i get thrown to the side
with the rest of my kind.
the cupboard in the back, in fact,
is where we hide.
kept in the corner
and given cold shoulder
to think back on the days
when we were given praise
instead of these cries
and end all lies.

i don't want to go through with this,
but it seems like we're doing this.
you're forbidden, like it's hidden...
but i want it.
you ask me how do you feel,
i say "is this real?"
i pinch myself to see.
you know i've wanted this forever..
you and i, do or die.
i've got the motherf**ckin bandit by my side.

everything's a lot.
not sure i wanna give it a shot.
the pull is strong... i know it's wrong.
these rhymes...? they're not mine.
ha, just the other me inside...
i tried and i tried,
but it's almost like i died.
cause ya know...
life is ****, give me my mit
to catch this ball
thrown over my head
on a day to day basis...
i try to play the game.
oh wait.. not the mit.
let me grab my mask.
i'm the catcher with the mask on my face to protect the embrace of the feelings ball.
my emotions thrown at 90.
then they come in for the slide
and my tears well... glide.

a treaty with myself
to never lose sight
of me.

words

            twisting

inside.

            thoughts

spinn­ing,

           spiraling.

this life,
it holds little seeds of light.
although, also many plights,
these lights shine bright,
throughout the darkened night.
these lights that up end plight,
shed grace and meaning into our daily life.
to me,
a cup of coffee.
to you,
a new pair of shoes.
to us,
a chance to shake off the dust,
and start again.

my heart heavy laden with words unsaid
jesus jesus where is your spirit?

my mind wreaking havoc in ways i didn't know possible
jesus jesus where is your peace?

my world falling from the sky, now lays in pieces at my feet
jesus jesus where is your presence?

my body aches, painful and numb

jesus jesus i need you...
now.

if you knew me, music is everything, you'd see.
an innate instinct that spins me in circles from one instrument to the next.
i have an ocean of notes to dive into headfirst. to create myself while swimming in this world of unoriginality.

if you knew me, you'd see,
the world gets into my head and there i go off the edge.
my mind at the mercy of what should be my least worry.
the people yell. the people scream. it's my soul that takes a harsh beating.
mind sinks. limbs tremble. who would catch my fall?

i know who.
my fall is caught by the resonance of rhythm. by the peaceable pitch. by the sophisticated sound. by a resounding chord that strikes meaning. my fingers flow along the sea of white and black keys. my mind consumed with memorized melodies. when the weight of the world is too much to carry, it's like coming up for air.

it's 11:19 and i don't feel okay
it's 11:19 and nothing seems right
it's 11:20 and i can't get comfortable
it's 11:20 and i need someone by my side

it's 11:21 and my world hurts at night

a numb ache in the bone,
feels like you're alone.
with a head full of lies,
im saying goodbye.

life is a grind,
not against him,
but intertwined,
with my mind.

the small act
of you leaving
for the night
crushed me in flight
my solo sleep
causes tears to creep

my face falls on the outside
as i crumble inside
there's a weight assisting gravity
pushing down on my shoulders
         creating
a
    spiral

i heard it
on my way upstairs
your mocking you thought i didn't hear
now i sit with tears

i want to feel warm,
but this room is dark.
a heavy atmosphere combats my cold.
there's a soothing voice coming into my ears.
a ball on the floor, i curl up,
that's in my head.
a stormy world outside to match me, to catch me.

my coffee is cold.

bending over in agony,
as silent tears fall and flow.
time to find a way to go...

no, i must learn to grow.

wasn't my fault
~
but somehow i'm the one who get's in trouble

fingers flow along the sea of white and black.
mind consumed with memorized melodies.
it's like coming up for air.

she says she's alright
but turn down the lights
it's all in her head now

it's night,
i should write,
filling pages upon pages with words en route from my brain

it's night
i can't write
filling white pages with white words

alive...
but living?

today was a sideways thumb.
not all the way down but not deserving of up.
today was a rollercoaster,
of highs and lows, unders and overs.
today was walking in the sunshine,
and recoiling when the voice was raised at you.
today was cooking and rain,
sidewalk talks but later feeling blocked.

i gauge today with a sideways thumb.

i feel inadequate.
am i not enough to be here?
am i helping?
i thought i was the positive influence,
but i feel like i am taking steps backwards,
and putting on a front facing facade is tiring,
for the girl i watch.

what is this life that i flit through?
year by year.
month by month.
week by week.
day by day.
hour by hour.
minute by minute.
second by second.
i feel i'm merely just passing the time.
passing by,
passing through.
the individuals of time flow past me,
as though time,
is a deconstructed reality.
because one moment is always the next,
seemingly leaving me reaching towards something inevitable,
and sometimes it can't seem to come soon enough.

it rushed upon me,
unsettling.
a thought, i never thought i'd have.
i pushed it away,
never to stay,
unless it were to get too bad.

it is both a blessing and a curse
to feel everything so deeply...

to swim through the lowest of lows,

to fly upon the highest of highs.

drowning to depths,

and soaring to heights

of emotion and feeling,

that can only be experienced by leaving solid ground.

i see gold attire
of endless beauty
shining over the mountains
surrounding the stars
giving worth to me and you
doesn't everything seem new?

i will wait, til the days are filled with insurmountable joy.
til my lungs breathe on their own,
not startled by any slight.
i will wait, holding on, til i feel free,
not bound to constant anxiety.
i will wait, clinging to the small, but meaningful.
not to focus on the desperation of the overwhelming big.
i will wait, because i know that this night won't last.
every midnight giving way to a continuous flowing tomorrow,
bringing a new sunrise, new chance and hope.
i will wait, in reverence, of the impossible universe giving me a reason.
a reason to hold on.
a reason and purpose to give some meager meaning.

i will wait.

somehow,
my signature got forged
on the contract that is life.

i didn't sign up for this.

this morning feels like a tsunami.
incredible waves of
tired.
sadness.
anxiety.
i think i might fall under...

not thinking,
but overthinking at the same time.
maybe that's the spiral...
the disconnect between two opposites.

here one moment.
gone the next.
i didn't even see,
how he took it from me.

how did i not notice?

how dare i...

i feel like a magnet.
attracting every possible situation i don't want to be in.
for once,
can't i repel?

she was an enigma.
unknown to even herself,
apparently not quite daring enough to open up...
we all keep a part just to ourselves, don't we?
she was a riddle.
waiting to be unraveled.
a puzzle,
with a missing piece that fell to the floor,
never to be found again,
so the puzzle will never be quite complete.
she was a mystery.
a labyrinth so complex,
not even she dared to start.

who will crack her case...?

sitting here,

just me and myself.

the world half asleep,

but about to rise.

birds singing their song,

the sun peeks up to have a listen

what is the great perhaps?
to escape the labyrinth that is life,
to decide on a final word?
no.
my great perhaps must be to escape the labyrinth...

but come out the other side.

i don't know what or how to feel,
what's my deal?
never a comprehension of emotions,
never an understanding of feelings.

in bed before two
only three minutes before
four words, here, it means more.

five words to change today,

"today is going to be"

six words to turn it over,

"a good day and here's why"

seven words to complete the phrase,

"today atleast you're you and that's enough."

that's the thing about pain,
it demands to be felt.

~okay~

life is a beautiful symphony,
but mine is lacking in a steady rhythm.
a flowing melody ceases to exist,
creating nothing but noise,
because the musical components can't seem to coincide here.

i care about you too.

someone to listen
and someone to care
they seem to glisten
these thoughts that i bear
shining so brightly inside my head
i sometimes wish to be dead

you seemed to listen
and you seemed to care
you understood the thoughts that i bear
you held me tightly through all the pain
and promised to be by my side

up here, it's calm.
up here, i feel larger than life.
up here, everything will be just fine.
up here, i feel real.
up here, gives perspective.
up here, i experience the impossible.
up here, life is minuscule.
up here, the horizon is endless.

when i fly, when i soar,

over, around, and through the clouds.

a place in the clouds,
for me and my self.
a chance to fly,
a chance to soar.
a place in the clouds,
for me and my thoughts.
a chance to see.
a chance to be,

up here in the clouds.

in this moment i need a hug.
in this moment i want to see the stars.
in this moment i can feel tears.
in this moment i feel oddly relaxed.
in this moment i don't know what i'm feeling.
in this moment...

the days where your heart soars
your soul graces the shores
as the river of life flows
and the garden of hope grows.

imagine.