the way we used to walk together
our feet would touch the ground at synchronized times
and your hand clasped against mine ever so tight
occasionally rubbing your thumb against the back of my hand

the words you used to say to me
that are stuck in my mind
are unforgettable
maybe as unforgettable as your baby blue eyes

the sound of heartbreak you left on my answering machine
when I finally wanted to stop it all
because of her, because of you, because of me
it made me break down and think about all of these things

all these things that meant so little at the time
but are now memories
stuck on repeat
in my mind

all these little things that you did
when you cared
and I cared
and we were in love

but there's nothing left of these little things
because we walked away from what made us happy
and we walked away from true love

I know someone who finds solace in ballet shoes
                A boy who strums his secrets to guitar strings
Someone that spends his waking moments with glazed red eyes
             As if facing this world cold turkey
                       Isn’t even an option.

For boys whose fingertips shake
                Like the burning end of a cigarette
And girls whose smiles resemble
Car crashes waiting to happen
A cacophony of shattered noises
             And those of us who feel guilty for the
                     mere act
                           Inhaling air
                        And exhaling poison
So we spend lifetimes holding our breaths

   Until we burn our lungs out trying
            To warm our hearts
            With something other than the fire
           That burns out in a smoky haze

Until our eyes become rivers,
flowing oceans
That cry out a thousand melted glaciers

Our tongues speak ruined languages
We read everything backwards
Curse in Latin
Make oaths in Russian
So whatever we say sounds beautiful.

So that our hands wont have to learn permanence,
affection
consolation.

The law said her body was made for love
The kind of love that wants to show you
just how much it loves you
by sticking things inside of you

hard
fast

Then slower

The kind of love that wanted to make the bible blush
make you quiver; the
kind of love when you put a female and male hamster together.
The kind of love that wanted to make music out of your ******

Love said "This is what happens
when you use
Needles to ingrain the words love
on peoples skin"

It feels a lot like pain did

Like when the first boy you ever loved
said I love you back
And proved it because he held you after
sticking sticky things inside of you
Like how he said hed wait untill you were ready
then said "You're gonna make me wait forever.."

How that guy on the third date said
"Come back to my apartament
So I can put what I want into you
Until you are empty
Because we might call it love"

Until you met a boy
who untaught what the word love meant
never asked you when you wanted to have ***
whose hands never roamed as greedily
searching for places to settle on your body
who didnt wish to make a home out of you by filling you senseless
and calling it his furniture
art
who traced outlines of constellations on the palms of your hands
and played
"Guess the Nebula"

Whose hardness never prodded you in the back
like a protest
in the early morning
whose breath always came easy
never hard
or fast

It was just holding you with no intention to
*******

He said
"Love isnt what you put inside a person
In hopes of making it stick;and naming it after something beautiful
I can pin my thoughts on you but
you are not my canvas. That wouldnt be fair.
I respect your property."

There was nothing broken when he left.

I've substituted
One dysfunctional
PAIN
For one
That's immensely
Productive

Using the cold
Sharp
Blade to
Slice my skin
Wide open
To let the
Hot
Blood gush
Free
Leaving lumpy
Atrocious
Scars
That hold
Discouraging
Memories

Will never happen again
Because

I've become
Addicted to
Permanently
Sewing ink
Into my body
To
Display an image
Of who I am
Inside
Show it
On the outside
Like a canvas
Of abstract compositions

Equal repercussions
But
A positive
Release of emotions

I do not regret
Any
Of the permanent
markings
On my skin

But I am
Proud
To have found
Such a rewarding
Alternative

For if I did not go
And get
The words of my conscious
Sewn across my chest
I would
Still be
Sitting on the
Floor
Carving names
Into my flesh
Leaving hideous
Wounds
By crossing
Them out

One painful
Accomplishing
Addition
After another
Leaves me with
An emotion
That's full of relief
A proud
Uplifting energy
To build optimism

Something that
Won't cause
Tears
To stain my face
When looked back upon

Something that
I can be absolute
About

Something that
I don't have to
Hide from people

Something that
I can
Show off
And express
Myself
Openly

Something that
Holds nostalgic
Memories
To bring
Not tears of sadness
But tears
Of pure
Bliss

The answer sits awkward in my mouth
Like an Egyptian vowel
Some language I have yet to learn

And I stand like a third world country that there are no commercials for
There are no heartstrings to tug
No Sarah Mclachlan songs
No one sees the hunger
Building in the bellies of my motherless country

But if there must be indifference in this love
I want to love you more than you love me